Firebird (The Firebird Trilogy #1) (28 page)

He said nothing, though a million questions chased through his brain. Sometimes, nothing was the only suitable response.

“Ice cream,” she said.

“What?”

“Let’s get ice cream.” Stephanie closed her hand around his wrist and dragged him to an ice cream cart.

With a strawberry cone for her and chocolate for him, they watched boats cruise across the lake as the sun began its gradual descent. Pink and orange saturated the water like spilled paint.

“Nice sunset. Let’s get a picture.” Alex held out his phone, and they both stuck their tongues into their ice cream as he clicked the button. “Perfect.”

She laughed and nudged him with her hip.

“I’ve gotten used to the idea, mostly,” he said as he relaxed against the railing. “Not ever skating again.”

“I don’t believe that. You may not be able to play anymore, but you’ll put on skates again. I know you will.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“When you set your mind to something, you don’t give up. Ever.”

“Are we still talking about hockey?” He tapped the chocolate ice cream against her nose.

“Hey!”

Without thinking, Alex flicked his tongue out to lick it away. “Sorry. You had a little something…”
I
shouldn’t have done that.

She tipped her head and smiled. Her breath whispered across his lips. The scent of apple perfume wafted from her skin. His pulse thrummed, his muscles as taut as guitar strings he wished her to pluck. He closed his eyes. The box in his pocket bumped against his thigh.

“You’re dripping on my shoe,” she said.

“Oh…” Splotches of melted chocolate were soaking into her sneaker’s black canvas. “
Oh.
Der′mo.
” He ran his tongue along the edge of the cone. “I’m sorry.”

Grinning, she dabbed his hand with a napkin. “Come on. Come to my place.”

He gazed at her, at the pink lips that would taste of strawberries and sugar. “Okay,” he said and let her take his hand.

***

Stephanie

“Look at this view.”

“Oh, come on. You get to see Mount Rainier from your window. I get Lake Erie.”

“It’s pretty in its own way. I miss it.”

Stephanie carried two tumblers of ice water with lemon into the living room. “Did you see this?” She pointed to the evening paper on the coffee table, folded to the sports section. Alex limped over and eased himself onto the couch. She picked up the paper. “Listen to this.

‘
Former Gladiators Captain Aleksandr Volynsky Delights Fans with Surprise Appearance. Aleksandr Volynsky, the Gladiators’ mercurial young captain until last June when he was traded to the Seattle Earthquakes, made a surprise appearance at Canalside on Saturday. The left-winger, whose superstar career was tragically cut short last December after a horrific accident severed three of his tendons including his Achilles, signed autographs and spoke with fans for approximately one hour.’
“

“I sound so nice. You sure you didn’t write that?”

“I’ve been with you all day. And you
are
nice.”

“Shh. Don’t tell anyone.”

Stephanie laughed and sipped her drink. “I read about what you did for that boy and his family.”

“He was such a brave kid. When his mother emailed me the next morning to tell me he had died…” Alex’s eyes teared. He rubbed his mouth. “They buried him in the jersey I brought him.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, but his eyes were red. “Ah, shit. It’s still hard to talk about.”

Stephanie, her lips quivering, patted his knee. “You gave him his wish. His last day on Earth was a good one because of you.”

“I hope so. And I’m sorry about your dad, for whatever it’s worth.”

“Thanks.”
I’m not.
She pondered the condensation trickling down her glass. “Show me.” She nodded toward his foot, and the color drained from his face. “It’s been eighty degrees since you got here, and you’ve been wearing pants. Not that I’m complaining about you showing up in a suit. But I know you’re doing it because you don’t want me to see it.”

“It’s ugly.”

“There isn’t a single part of you that’s ugly.”

His eyes watered again. “We both know that’s not true.”

“We’ll talk about that later. Did I ever think this was ugly?” She inched closer to him and skimmed a fingertip over the scar on his cheek.

While he didn’t quite flinch, he drew back a little and lowered her hand. “No,” he murmured.

No, I don’t think it’s ugly or no, don’t touch me?
“Please, let me see it.”

He sighed, pulled up the leg of his jeans, and pushed down his sock. The thin, pale scar formed a large
L
lying on its side above his ankle. Stephanie gauged it with one fingertip, and Alex tautened at her touch. He’d taken good care of it, unlike the one on his face. That one hadn’t ended his career and possibly their relationship.

He readjusted his clothing. “I should get back to the hotel. My foot is aching. But I had a great time today.” He finished his drink and, using his cane, boosted himself up.

She trailed him to the door. “I have a hockey game tomorrow night. If you want to come. I didn’t know if watching hockey would upset you, or…”

“No.” He smiled. “Of course I’ll go. I’d love to. Do you want to do something beforehand?”

“Alex.” She looked at the floor, then at him. At the conflict in his eyes, the longing. “I bailed on my father’s funeral. You know it’s hard for me to trust people. Men in particular.”

“You’re letting me see you. That’s a start.”

“I’m afraid, Alex. I can’t go through that again. Not with you of all people.”

“I understand.” He stared at the cane. The reminder.

“Alex, what is it? What’s really going on? Are you sick?”

The alarm in his eyes confirmed her fears. The “personal stuff” he had alluded to, “mostly not good”…her mind whirled like a carnival ride with the nauseating possibilities. “Tell me.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Soon. I promise.” He shook off the web of sadness. “I…God. I know I’m acting weird. This went a lot differently in my head. But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

The strange ambiguity between them lingered. She touched the spot between his thumb and index finger, barely a touch at all. She
had
burned up in the madness of being in love with him. But what remained was love itself, stripped of its pretty veneer and laid bare for the investment, the toil, it was. It was not enough to say the words, not anymore.

His eyes glittered, and one corner of his mouth bowed. “I’ll call you in the morning.” He slipped a hand into her hair and pressed his lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes. His warm breath kissed her mouth when his lips would not.

“It will always be you,” he whispered.

When she opened her eyes, the beautiful, broken love of her life was hobbling down the hall.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Stephanie bounded into the elevator with enthusiasm she’d attempted to curb by reminding herself that Alex had thus far not been forthcoming. She could not abide secrets after a childhood built on them, though guilty of so much duplicity herself, and mentally inventoried all possible relationship deal-breakers. Startled to be contemplating a third go-round in the first place.

But if he left…

Maybe its transience was what had infused their relationship with such magic. Their fate, perhaps, that with time as their tyrant, they would always be one step out of sync.

He was waiting in the Audi, the air conditioning cranked on this ninety-degree day and Stephanie glad she’d shaved her legs. Alex still refused to wear shorts, but at least he’d graduated to sandals and airy linen pants. She caught him looking at her legs as she slid onto the seat. “This is for you.” He picked up a small box from the console and handed it to her. His cheeks reddened. He put the car in reverse, then maneuvered out of the lot, focused on the road.

Oh no. Now it’s a date.
Stephanie opened the lid. Inside laid a round, antique silver pendant on a matching chain. The pendant read:

If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart.

I’ll stay there forever.

“Oh,” she whispered. Tears pricked her eyes. “Oh, Alex.”

“Just in case…” He shook his head. Bit his lip. A palpable melancholy emanated from every word, every gesture. “Never mind.”

In case we never see each other again?

When they arrived at the Japanese Garden, he opened the car door for her as usual. He offered his hand, then withdrew it, pretending to rub an unseen spot on the hem of his T-shirt. He wouldn’t be caught dead looking less than impeccable.

Best to keep physical contact to a minimum. I still don’t know what he’s hiding, and I can’t hurt like that again.

“Are you okay?” he asked as they navigated a path of striated, blue
kishū-ishi
stone, past granite lanterns and through a Shinto gate. They sat on a granite bench facing Mirror Lake, which reflected its verdant surroundings of Japanese maples, pines, and cherry trees. Ornamental bridges connected three small islands to the mainland. “You seem a little…I don’t know, apprehensive? Compared to yesterday.”

He always knew what she was feeling and thinking. What if she couldn’t connect like that with anyone else?

“I’m making you uncomfortable.” A sad smile darkened his face. He scuffed his cane against the stone. “Seems to be the only thing I’ve ever been good at.”

“Alex, it’s—no. I just don’t know where we are right now. Or where we’re supposed to be. What you were expecting. What
I
was expecting. Anything.”

“I’m always complicating things for you.”

“No, it’s not that. I guess I’m still a little overwhelmed that you’re here.” She submitted to the Zen-like peace such a garden was meant to inspire. She wished for something to dispel his sadness, helpless to do so herself until she knew its cause. Maybe she could do nothing at all. She stole a glance at him. All the old doubts began to creep back in, how a man like Alex could be so devoted to her. And who could live up to that kind of love?

After a moment’s hesitation, she laid her hand over his and gave it a comforting squeeze. This vulnerable, forlorn man was not the one she’d fled. Something terrible had happened; that he wouldn’t tell her meant it was worse than she’d imagined.

It lasted only a second or two, but the smile that graced his lips was real. “I can’t wait to see you play,” he said. “It’s been so long.”

“Do you remember how jealous the other girls on our team were?”

Alex chuckled. “I was already so in love with you.” He sidled closer, tipping his head as he twined his fingers in her hair.

Though it took all of her resolve, she shied away. “I don’t know if I’m ready, Alex.”

His hand flopped into his lap. His head drooped, and he swallowed hard. Nodded. “Okay.”

“Every time we’re together, I feel like something is going to tear us apart again. I don’t want to continue making promises we can’t keep. I need some kind of assurance, you know?”

He folded his hands in his lap and watched the lake. Bittersweet birdsong filled the silence. “If you’re happy now,” he said, “if you’ve started to move on, please tell me to go back. And I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Does it always have to be all or nothing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Either we’re together or we have no relationship at all.”

“I don’t know how else to be around you. I don’t know if I could be just friends. Especially if you…I mean, I want that for you. To be happy. More than anything. I just hoped I would be the one to do it.”

“Alex, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.”

He leaned forward and plucked something from the loamy soil. “Hold out your hands,” he said and placed in them a small branch with a cluster of light blue flowers. “Forget-me-nots. True and faithful love. Memories.”

“Why are you so sure we’re not going to make more?”

He surveyed the lake. His eyes glimmered with tears. “Because when I tell you what I need to, it’ll change the way you see me. The way you feel about me. Although I suppose I’ve done that already.”

“Nothing can be that bad.”

“What if it’s worse than what made you leave?”

Stephanie tucked the flower stem behind her ear. “Whatever we are, whatever we will be, I don’t want to lose you again. I have too many times already.” She closed her hands around his. “A best friend is the person you value above all other friends. Someone you trust. You
are
my best friend, Alex. You always have been.”

His chin wobbled. He gazed at the sky in an attempt to regain his poise.

“Are you—are we—okay?”

“
Da
.” Alex offered a somber smile as he fingered the pendant. He fixed a sweet kiss to her cheek. “If that’s what you need, that’s what I’ll be.”

***

Aleksandr

Alex changed into jeans and a raglan Henley, then stuck a baseball cap on his head. Struck with inspiration, he stopped at a drugstore on the way to the rink for a Sharpie and a piece of poster board. He had somehow forgotten to ask her number
but once parked,
he drew on the board:

GO STEPHANIE!!!

Your Biggest Fan

He rode the elevator to the sixth floor. The place had opened two years into his career with the Gladiators, and he’d trained on that floor until his trade. Rink two lay on the north end and held a fraction of rink one’s capacity, the latter hosting both an OJHL team and a Division I NCAA team. He passed the concession stand and chose a seat right behind the glass, center ice, pursued by whispers: “It’s Aleksandr Volynsky! Volynsky is here!”

On either side of him, the teams emerged from the locker rooms and onto the ice for warmup. There she was.

Wearing number nineteen.

Synchronicity. Meaningful coincidence.

He pressed the sign to the glass. Stephanie whooshed around the rink, slowing as she approached. She scanned the words, and a smile lit her face. She laid a glove on the glass and stared up at him. He placed his hand over it.

“I love you” danced on his lips, but he uttered “Good luck” instead, and she skated away.

***

Stephanie

“Tell me I’m imagining that.” Jessica kept pace at Stephanie’s side. “Tell me that’s not Aleksandr Volynsky.”

“Oh, it’s him all right.”

“What is he—Oh my God, he made a sign for you. Wait. Nineteen was his number, wasn’t it? That’s why you freaked out. Were you two…?”

“We were.” And she couldn’t stand that they weren’t. Everything had gone sideways.

“I knew you had a story to tell! Wow. So what is he doing here?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure. We hadn’t seen each other in six months, had barely spoken, and then out of nowhere he showed up at my office on Friday afternoon.”

“Looks like you’re going to have another interesting story.”

“With Alex, no doubt it will be.”

But the writing of it would have to wait. She played her game as she had the past two months, heedless of the small crowd and the distressing awareness of her personal cheerleader. No checking, no fighting. No penalties. No stupid mistakes just because her superstar ex-boyfriend happened to be attending. Perhaps motivated by the presence she was trying to disregard, she put on a shot-blocking clinic she’d regret tomorrow, when bruises would cover her from knees to ankles. Already she could feel the contusions blossoming like a field of morning glories. The opposing center slashed Stephanie’s stick in frustration.

Her heartbeat ticked down the third period’s final few minutes as she quarterbacked the power play. After a cycle failed to produce a goal, and with an utter lack of desire to play overtime, she ripped a shot from the point and hoped for the best. The puck sailed through an opening between her center and a rival defenseman, past the goalie her left-winger was screening, and into the back of the net. Jessica was the first to hug her and bump helmets, but the loudest cheer by far was from Alex, his arms in the air.

They held on to their lead for the win. After a brief on-ice celebration, she and Jessica retreated to the women’s locker room, where Stephanie shed her equipment before hitting the shower.

“Big plans tonight?” Jessica asked.

Stephanie pushed her hair back, savoring the caress of hot water on her aching, bruised body. “I could use a bath.”

“You were a machine out there. Trying to impress someone?”

“Not intentionally. Do you want to meet him? If you haven’t before.”

“You’re so nonchalant.” Jessica laughed and shook her head. “The best hockey player in a decade is following you around like a puppy, and you’re just, ‘whatever.’”

Stephanie shut off the water and grabbed her towel. “I’ve known Alex a long time. Before all of…this. We’ve been through a lot, and I…” She sighed, her wet feet slapping the tiles as she walked back to her locker.

“I didn’t mean to pry. It’s not my business.”

“No, it’s okay. We have a very complicated relationship is all.” She dressed in jeans and her new league T-shirt, tied her sneakers, and slung her bag over her shoulder. “Is that a potential issue, that I’ve had a relationship with him?”

“He’s not a Gladiator anymore. And it’s not like you’re married to the guy.”

In a different life, maybe.
Stephanie grasped her stick. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

Alex stood in the west lobby, signing autographs. He caught her gaze, smiled, and raised one finger.

“He looks at you like he’s never seen another woman in his life,” Jessica said.

I know.

“It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen him in person. Did he somehow get even hotter?”

Stephanie laughed. “He does seem to have that gift.”

“Thank you so much, guys. Excuse me.” Alex limped toward them, his free hand already outstretched, the Henley clinging to his muscles and its undone buttons exposing a glimpse of chest hair. She yanked her stare away before he noticed. “Hello.”

“Alex, this is Jessica. Jessica, Aleksandr.”

“Good to meet you,” he said. “Please, call me Sasha.”

“The pleasure is mine. How’s your foot?”

He prodded it with the cane. “Getting there. Thanks for asking.”

“Well—” Jessica tapped her phone screen “—my husband is already downstairs. It was great to meet you, Sasha.”

“Likewise. Take care.” 

Jessica waved and headed into the elevator.