Finding The Way Back To Love (Lakeside Porches 3) (12 page)

“Like this house,” Haley told her. “I want you and Peter to be the parents.”

Gwen swallowed hard.
Thank god she’d had the conversation with Deirdre, and had quiet moments to think this morning.
She made sure her voice was kind but firm when she answered, “No, Haley. That’s not going to happen.”

“What?” Haley’s eyes narrowed. “Why, Gwen? You’re perfect.”

“Think it through, sweetie. In a couple of years, you’d finish school and probably find a nice man to marry—maybe Rick, maybe someone else. And you’d have children, and you’d want this little boy to be part of your family.”

Haley shook her head in frustration.

“Just as important, Haley, it would break my heart to give up this little boy after raising him for those years.”

“I never thought of that.” Haley’s eyes were lowered. Her painful sigh tugged at Gwen’s heart.

With a lighter tone, she said, “I might even resent you and refuse to let him go, and then you’d hate me, and the little boy would be caught in the middle.” She continued, her tone serious, “I’m not going to entertain that scenario, Haley.”

After a long, silent minute, during which Haley scrutinized every object on the floor-to-ceiling shelves, she puffed out her breath. “You’re right. I can see that, Gwen.” Her gaze settled on a vase of wildflowers on the hearth, and she leaned toward it. “So, either I raise my baby alone or I give him up for adoption. I’m not going to marry Rick and mess up his plans. His degree is too important.”

“Important to you or to Rick?”

“Absolutely to me, and I know how much it means to Rick. He’s worked hard his whole life for this chance.”

“Okay, I accept that. Do you think you can raise your little boy yourself?” Gwen held her breath.

“No. I don’t know how, and I don’t have any confidence I can figure it out. Not under stress. My baby would be screwed. We’d both be screwed, and I don’t want that.”

“So, adoption?”

Haley’s eyelids fluttered, and she licked her lips. After a deep sigh, she nodded and said, “Adoption is, and always was, Plan A.” She added quickly, “But I can’t just let someone take him from me. I can’t do it that way. Do you understand, Gwen?”

Gwen pressed her forearm. “I do, sweetie. The good news is, from what I know, there are options.”

Haley opened her big eyes. “Like what?” she pleaded.

“Like open adoption, where you make an agreement with the parents to share information.”

“So I might be able to know who they are?” Haley sat up straighter. “And how he’s doing?”

“Possibly. We’d want a lawyer involved and we’d need him or her to understand what’s important to you and to Rick. The lawyer would negotiate on your behalf.”

“I can’t afford a lawyer, Gwen!” Haley’s voice rose in a wail.

“I can.” Gwen squeezed Haley’s hand. “Haley, I can afford a lawyer, so don’t let that be a problem. It’s not a problem.”

Haley’s breathing eased. “This is just so hard. I’m sorry to be hysterical.”

“You know what?” Gwen said with a bright smile. “Let’s promise not to say ‘Sorry’ for a while. Everything’s okay to say. Everything’s okay to feel and to share right now. What do you say?”

Haley gave a solemn nod. “I feel like my heart got ripped out back there in the examining room, and I’m open and raw and hurting. And Rick is, too, and he’s angry. I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid like quit school and make me marry him.”

“Don’t let him,” Gwen insisted.

“I mean, I love him, but we’re too young and it would screw up our whole lives. And it’s not right for the baby. Besides, maybe Rick’s not the guy I should marry anyway. How can I even know that?”

Gwen cocked her head. “You might want to practice letting him down easy.”

“How’s this?” Haley laughed, a little hysterically. “I’ll say, ‘Thank you, Rick. I love you but I’m not getting married yet, not even to you.’”

“Short and sweet.” Gwen nodded her approval.

“So.” Haley sucked in a cleansing breath. “How do we find a good mom and dad for our little boy?”

The phone rang. Gwen ignored it. “We can talk with a social worker I know. She can explain the different avenues open to you and Rick.”

“I’ll bet you’ve talked to her already,” Haley said, her voice teasing.

“A little. I wanted to be sure she wouldn’t leave on vacation just when you felt ready to meet her.”

When the phone rang a fourth time, they heard the machine click on and bleat Gwen’s greeting.

“I can’t believe you still have a landline.” Haley giggled.

“It’s required by the security company.”

“How could I forget the security system?” Haley rolled her eyes.

“Hey, Gwen and Haley.” Gianessa’s voice filled the kitchen. “Justin and I want to talk with you really soon. I know this is presumptuous, but we have a lead on a great couple that wants to adopt, and we wonder—”

Gwen tore into the kitchen and snatched up the receiver. “Don’t hang up!”

A few steps behind her, Haley clutched Gwen’s arm and pushed her ear close to the phone.

“We’ll put it on ‘speaker,’ okay, Haley?” Gwen punched the button and rummaged in the top drawer for something to write with.

“Hi, Gianessa.” Haley carried the phone to the island and slid onto a stool. “Gwen’s getting paper and pencil,” she explained.

“Justin’s here, too. Is that okay, Haley?”

“Great, yes. I wish Rick was here.”

“Go ahead,” Gwen told them. “Tell us everything.”

Justin ran through what they knew about the Hahns and explained how they’d come by the information. He finished with, “Syd and Danny will check with them today, but only if Haley and Rick are interested.”

“Of course we are. I mean, I am, and I think Rick will be, too.”

Gwen squeezed Haley’s knee. She interjected, “So this would be what’s called a private adoption?”

“What does that mean?” Haley asked.

Gianessa told them, “From what I understand, instead of going through an agency, you and the couple would negotiate directly, both of you represented by lawyers. The lawyers would facilitate and insure that all the state laws and regulations are obeyed.”

“Typically,” Justin added, “the adopting couple would make sure your medical bills are covered and possibly reimburse you for legal fees or other expenses.”

“That would be amazing.” Haley raised her eyebrows at Gwen, and Gwen smiled her agreement.

“Now remember”—Justin’s voice was firm—“nothing’s decided until you say so, Haley. Don’t feel pressured about this. You and Rick need to talk, we understand that.”

Haley turned to Gwen with a question in her big eyes.

“Hold on, Justin,” Gwen said and muted the phone. “What, sweetie?”

“I want to tell them to go ahead and contact the parents—the people—to see if they’re interested. Would that be all right, do you think? Just that much? Even though Rick’s not here?”

“I think so. Justin understands you and Rick need to talk before you take any big steps, so he and Gianessa are not going to go too far.”

Haley sat up straight, toggled the mute button and said, “I’d like for your friends to see if the people are really interested, and I’ll talk it over with Rick when he gets back, to be sure he’s okay with it. And we’ll call you after.”

Gwen squeezed her eyes against happy tears. Her heart swelled with pride at Haley’s sudden strength. Something must be at work in the universe for these two kids to have a possible solution dropped in their laps when they were at their lowest.
Thank you, God.

“Do you have children?” Rick asked Peter as they crossed Overlook Park toward their cars on Lakeside Terrace.

“No, but I’d like to. I just got divorced, just got the bill. I had hoped to buy a little house over by the college, but that’s out. Right now I’ll settle for getting out of my crummy apartment. So remarrying and having a family are a ways off for me.”

“I think you’ll make a good father. What you did over there,” Rick said with a jerk of his head back toward the basketball court, “really helped me a lot. You seemed to know where I was coming from and how to get me to open up. Thanks.”

“I’m glad I could help. I have a hunch we both came from tough homes. That can make a guy clam up. Soldier on and not feel anything.”

“No kidding.” Rick snorted. “What were your parents like?”

“My dad was a drunk, and all of us suffered because of it. Thank God he died young.”

“He didn’t ever get sober?”

Peter shook his head and tossed his basketball high in the air a few times. “My mom worked all the time—two or three jobs. She ate herself into obesity and worked herself into heart trouble. She died young a couple of years ago.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

Peter nodded. “She and I raised my little sister, who’s been in trouble a few times. One reason I want a better place is so I can get Bree up here some weekends, get her away from her friends, maybe get her to live here and go on with her education. What about your family?”

“My folks were poor, and I was the oldest of four kids. Dad was smart but he never went to college. He worked in a factory in Schenectady until he was disabled. Mom went to work as a school secretary. When Dad died I was eight, and we went to live with mom’s mother in Watervliet. She had a big house and a huge garden that we devoured every summer. Forget bicycles or summer camp. Or college.

“I don’t want it to be like that for Haley and me or my children. I promised myself if I had kids I’d wait until I had the means to support a family.” He laughed dryly. “We can see how well that plan worked.”

“Tell me how you got to college if your family couldn’t afford it.”

Rick flipped his ball with his hands as they walked. “I have a full scholarship at Rensselaer. It’s a great school. Plus, I work on funded research projects in the Environmental Engineering department, with a couple of professors. That’s how I pay rent and food and everything. I was working on a project on the Gulf of Mexico from late April until a couple of weeks ago. It’s great money, but it’s also why I didn’t know Haley was pregnant. I was working all the time, and Haley didn’t stay in touch. She was pretty aloof before I left and she wouldn’t say why. I thought she was pissed that I’d be away all summer. Or maybe she had another guy. I didn’t know.”

“Sounds to me like she was trying to keep you at a distance so she could keep the pregnancy secret.”

“Yeah, I see that now.”

“It also sounds like she was determined to have the baby, not have an abortion.”

Rick stopped. The ball stilled in his hands. “Yeah, you’re right. And I’m glad about that. But it’s been really hard on her. She’s been trying to handle this all on her own. I can’t believe her mother threw her out. What kind of mother does that?”

Peter laughed. “I wondered the same thing when she told me her middle name is Ursula. What kind of mother—”

“Haley’s middle name is Ursula?”

“The things we don’t know about our women.” Peter clapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t get me started. Do you think she’d have decided to keep the baby if she’d had more support?”

“No, I think she always intended to give up the baby, but couldn’t take the next step on her own.”

“There are millions of couples that want a baby,” Peter told him.

“I know, but it’s such a crap shoot. I want to have a say in who and where so I know our son has a chance at a good life.”

“Rick,” a deep voice summoned from Lakeside Terrace.

“Hey, Justin,” Rick called back.

“Just the man I want to see,” Justin said as he strolled toward them.

“Who is this guy?” Peter whispered.

“Justin Cushman. He and his wife drove Haley and me to the doctor’s today. His wife is due after Haley. I think he works at the college and they live on the top floor of that last house.” He nodded toward 14 Lakeside Terrace. “Gianessa’s thrilled their new house will be finished before the babies come. She must hate those stairs right about now.” He turned to welcome Justin.

“Got a minute?” Justin asked.

“Sure. Justin, this is Peter.”

“Pleasure, Justin.” Peter held out his hand.

“Same.”

Peter observed, “You’re holding a ‘For Rent’ sign, sir. I happen to be searching for an apartment.”

“Lucky coincidence. I’ll show you the place in a minute, if you like.” He pointed to the three-story, white house with gingerbread trim, right at the edge of the bluff. “Go on in, up one flight, and let yourself in. I’ll be there shortly. I just need a minute with Rick.”

Justin walked beside Rick to his beat-up car. “I just spoke with Gwen and Haley about an interesting possibility.”

“And what’s that, sir?”

“Now, if this hits you the wrong way, you just let me know. Gianessa and I remembered that our good friends in New York know a couple who have been trying for years to have a baby and are now trying to adopt.”

Rick’s stomach did a dive, and his heart raced. “Wow,” he blurted out. “Tell me more. What did Haley say?”

“I won’t speak for Haley and Gwen, but they sounded excited. Our mutual friends know the couple very well, and from what we’ve heard, they would make good parents and provide a stable home and every advantage. Gianessa and I will find out more if you and Haley are interested.”

Rick yanked open the door of his car, threw the ball into the backseat, and grabbed Justin’s hand. He pumped it with his grimy one and babbled, “I’ll talk to Haley. Right now. We’ll get back to you, sir. Thanks a million.”

Peter leaned on the porch railing, off the living room of the second-floor apartment.
Enjoy the view now, man. This is nothing you can afford.

The porch had him hooked. He could see the gumdrop islands and the whole eastern shore of Chestnut Lake for miles to the south. He’d never realized it got radically steeper to the south, as though the cliffs rose right from the water, after a certain point. He couldn’t make out anything like a cottage on the shore past that point, and he wondered if it was even possible to land. He wanted to take the canoe down there with Gwen and see it up close.