Finding the Thing Within (21 page)

Rosario was demoralized, he despaired and he wept. Lorenzo, his Lorenzo, didn’t want to see him anymore. He had to come up with something, had to do something, but what? He was tired after the few hours’ sleep he had the previous night. But he started to think and decided that he had to take the initiative, had to be strong and not give up. Looking up at the limpid blue sky he knew that Lorenzo would almost certainly be at the beach, so he changed and headed towards the car.

***

Lorenzo’s car was parked in his usual place and he parked his own and started on that stretch of path that he knew so well. How many years, how many times had he walked that path, always glad and happy because he had never been going to meet someone, but to go and find one amongst many.

The sea was beautiful and calm, and had an exotic turquoise quality. He saw him in the distance, and although once again he was not alone, this time he didn’t hide but walked straight up to them. Beside him was a man of about forty with curly, grey-speckled hair, small red trunks, a nice body and medium height. If Rosario had gone for older men, he would probably have been his type.

This is my replacement then,
thought Rosario, and

threw him a look, barely smiling, so as not to be rude. Lorenzo sat there laughing and joking as if they were old friends.

“Hello Rosario." said Lorenzo with a dazzling smile. "This is Sandro." and then to Sandro, "And this is Rosario." Then he went on talking calmly and naturally with Sandro. Sandro had a strange accent and Rosario asked him where he was from.

“I’m originally from Palermo, but I’ve been living in

Milan for years."
"Why are you here? On holiday?"
"In a way, I was in Stromboli for a few days and

then I thought I’d spend a few days here at home to enjoy the good weather, oh isn’t it wonderful! It’s so warm here in October."

He turned to continue the conversation with Lorenzo. "This morning I called my colleagues in Milan and I told them I was bathing and then I had to specify that I was bathing in the sea, and they cursed me!" and he laughed.

Rosario vaguely agreed that it was absurd. After a few minutes of worthless chat, perhaps after some hint from Lorenzo, Sandro got up and declared that he was going for a walk. Lorenzo got up and changed places, still at a distance from Rosario. He suddenly became serious and began to speak, "I didn’t think you were coming today."

"This time I wanted to decide, and I decided to come."
"Ok, and what do you want?"
"I wanted to understand what you meant by not seeing each other for a while."
"I meant that we should take a moment to pause and decide what to do. I was very annoyed by what you did yesterday, I don’t like feeling spied upon."
"I understand and I’m sorry but at the same time I think you’re overreacting for what was supposed to be a joke. For me it was a joke."
"It was probably the last straw though, it’s been a while that things haven’t been going so well between us and I think maybe you can see it too..."
"So you thought you’d take advantage of this last disappointment to spit everything back in my face."
"Don't be like that, I've nothing against you but I’ve evaluated things and decided that things just weren’t going so great."
"Like?"
"Like you wanting to speed things up, introducing me to all your friends as your boyfriend, the fact that you called Tullio without thinking about how I could feel about it and then all your stupid shit yesterday."
"What do you want?"
"I told you, let’s not speak for a bit, with the understanding that we could stay friends, in fact our friendship will probably improve like this, free from any emotional engagement, it could improve and grow stronger."
"Ok, but I want to understand what 'A little while' means."
"I don’t know, could be a week, a month or a year. I do not know, I need to be at peace again."
"And what do I do in the meantime?"
"You do what you need to, to make yourself free, you’re free to decide, I can’t ask that you stay tied to me, I don’t want to be hypocritical and you know me well, as I told you in the email, I’ve always been honest with you and never wanted to hurt you."
"Ok…you don’t want to hurt me but you’re stabbing me now, you’re killing me."
"I understand but the way things are, nothing can be done. Listen, do you mind if I go and talk to that guy I know over there?"

Rosario remained alone, if his wrists had been cut at that moment, not a single drop of blood would have dripped out. He only had two choices, to get up and leave or stay and show some strength of character, and pretend to sunbathe. He lay there for at least twenty minutes until Lorenzo and Sandro came back still smiling and cheerful.

"How long have you known Lorenzo?" Rosario asked Sandro.
"We met here at the beach a couple of months ago and we’ve met a few times since, whenever I came down from Milan."
"So only about three or four times?" insisted Rosario.
"Yes, about that."
"And how old are you?"
"Thirty-eight."
Three or four times repeated silently inside Rosario as he watched how glibly they were talking. Lorenzo was saying that he wasn’t comfortable in this environment, that he preferred being with heteros and this was just a side of his hidden ambiguity. Quite aside from his ‘hidden ambiguity’, he was in fact, gay and he always tried to hide it, and hide it well. He could certainly make this pretense with other people but Rosario knew all his most secret desires, all the nuances of his self.
"Shit, I can’t go back with just one sandal," said Lorenzo.
"Why what happened?" asked Rosario.
"I went in the sea a little while ago and I left my shoes and my glasses on rock and a wave came and took them away, I found one sandal and that's it."
"So what are you going to do?"
"It doesn’t matter so much about the glasses because I have another pair and they were broken anyway, but now I have to walk back with only one sandal.
Rosario thought for a moment then got up and went to see his surviving shoe.
"Lorenzo, this sandal is meant for the beach so I doubt it will have sunk, maybe if you look a bit better following the direction of the current you might find it stuck somewhere."
Lorenzo went over to the water and in the direction of the current and looked carefully. After a minute he exclaimed: "I found it! Not bad, but no sign of the glasses, they’ll have sunk for sure."
He put his shoe in the sun to dry and went on talking to this new friend.
"Guys, I have to go," said Sandro. "Pleasure to meet you," and he shook Rosario’s hand.
"And us?" Rosario asked, looking at Lorenzo.
"Should I call you?"
"Yes," said Lorenzo. "We can do something one of these evenings, you're still here for a few more days, aren’t you?"
"Yeah a few more days. I’ll call," and he went away. Rosario’s stomach felt twisted: he had just seen Lorenzo dish out a date so easily whereas with him their meetings had become about sex since he was ashamed to be seen with him in public. But then he is thirty-eight...and they just exchanged a few casual comments as if they had met this very afternoon.
"Right," said Rosario. "Considering how things have gone, it’s all off from now on!"
"Yes, I think so."
"So the trip to Catania zoo with Giorgia and Federico is off too then."
Lorenzo, who had really wanted to go, thought for a minute:
"Why? I’ve got nothing against going to the zoo, who says we can’t keep going out together in groups and seeing each other normally!"
Rosario was fuming but in calm, resigned tone, asked:
"What’s going on between you and Sandro?"
"Absolutely nothing, he is happily in love with a boy who lives in Stromboli and that’s why he was there until yesterday."
"But you like him?"
"He’s not bad. Don’t start being jealous now, you don’t have the right. I said you were free to do what you want and not to think about me. You want to go by Tullio? You can. I’m not interested in anything anymore, it’s probably better if you find someone else."
Rosario wanted to cry but at the same time didn’t want to give Lorenzo the satisfaction of seeing him like that. Lorenzo, being smart, understood that Rosario was holding it back.
"I knew it would finish like this, my happiness couldn’t last. I never really did anything wrong and I was beginning to love you whereas you don’t love me and probably never did. People in love don’t act like this, if they argue they make peace and go back to loving each other."
"Listen, shall we go?" said Lorenzo. Rosario nodded without speaking and got dressed, and they set off towards their cars.

***

He had no more strength, no more will to do anything. He felt as if someone had emptied him entirely. He was sullen, rude, and intractable. He telephoned Giorgia and Francesco to tell them, and apologized to Giorgia about not going to the zoo and added that while Lorenzo had wanted to go in the end, he himself didn't feel like it now.

Then he closed in on himself and into a desperate silence. He already spoke little at home but now he had become a tomb, his mother spoke to him without reply or he would suddenly snap at her for no reason.

"What is it?" pleaded his mother, and he stayed silent. "Why are you like this with me? What have I done to you?" Silently he got up and went into the other room but from where he sat he could see through to his mother who was sobbing to herself.

“You see what you’re doing Lorenzo? You’ve obviously fallen for that younger man and have no more need of me.”

***

"What should I do? Help me." he asked Georgia that evening at her flat. “I didn’t want to do this journey from the beginning, it was he who encouraged me to do so, he wanted to make this relationship rounded, he wanted more than just sex, that he wanted us to both commit our feeling, and now he’s chucking me like dirt? I’m really hurt, I’ve never been so hurt in my whole life and it has to be a boy of twenty-four that leaves me like this?" Rosario wept shamelessly, finally he could cry without hiding his tears, something he couldn’t even do in front of his mother.

"Go on and cry, my friend," replied Giorgia. "But try not to be so harsh on yourself, you’ll see that everything will be OK. You know what we’ll do? We’ll have some chamomile and you’ll calm down and then you can have a good sleep and tomorrow we’ll talk about it again, Ok?"

After three days of hell he decided that he didn’t want to hear from Lorenzo again.

Part 26

One morning he went out and was wandering aimlessly through the city center and stopped at a record shop to see what records were on sale. He thought that if he saw something by Deep Purple he might buy it, he wanted the album with ‘Child in Time’ since he really liked that song. It reminded him of when he was eighteen and would listen to it at a friend’s house. Back then it was lucky if one had a record player. He didn’t, and envied his friends. He was carelessly leafing through the records when Lorenzo phoned him:

"Hey Rosario!"
"What do you want?"
"Just to see you."
"Well I don’t really feel much like seeing you." "I understand. Since there was that trip to Catania I

wanted to say that maybe...because of the atmosphere..." "Yes, I told Georgia that I have no intention of going
on that trip to the zoo."
“Okay, bye."
"Bye!"
It could not have been colder. He had wanted to be
even harder, but at the same time he had really wanted to
say 'Can’t we just get back together?'

***

"Hello Georgia, how’s things at the shop?"

"Fine. Why are you asking that? You're strange, where are you?"
"At home, he called me this morning, and I practically told him to fuck off."
"Poor thing! Why?"
"Why? You ask why? After all I’m going through."
"Rosario, you must try to understand him right now, he’s living a conflict even worse than yours because he knows what he is and can’t accept it. Anyway don’t be silly, come to the zoo on Sunday, it’ll be good for you."
"No! I’m not coming, I would only ruin it."
"But you said he wanted to come with us to Catania."
"Why don’t you take him, I don’t feel like it."
"Now I’ll call and tell him."
"Do what you want, I’m not coming!"
He switched on his computer to check his mail, but found nothing. He began to look through all his old emails, all the emails they had exchanged since they first met, made love, and later when Lorenzo said he were falling in love with him, until he was completely besotted. How strange, how could they have been so utterly in love, how could he have written those words, such sweet words and then treat him that way.
How could he have changed like that? Oh, but it was certainly all Paola’s fault. She had changed everything since she had come into his life. That girl had destroyed a beautiful and golden castle. A castle built with great effort and sacrifice.
“Why are you doing this to me Lorenzo?”
With his age he would have no trouble finding either a man or a woman, but not Rosario. Rosario, belonging to the middle aged category, would have serious problems. He said to himself, “Enough! After this there will be no more talk of emotions or love…” He decided to at least try never to speak to him again, if possible.

***

Three days had passed, and madness was taking possession of his mind. He wanted to call him, but he couldn’t, it would have put him in the wrong, although any small hope would certainly nullify. But still he wanted to see him again and where if not at the beach? The late October days were still sunny, so he went expecting to find there. He saw his car when he arrived and hid his own car in such a way that it could not give him away like last time. This time instead of walking on the path along the coast, he went straight up and into the woods, hid himself in a grove, and saw him.

Once again he was not alone but he couldn’t see who it was because his view was blocked by a large boulder and so he waited for him to move. The wait was not long, the hidden man appeared: it was Sandro. Sandro, shit, still him between them. They chatted and laughed animatedly. Oh what he would give to know what they were saying, it ate at his liver to see them together even from afar. He waited a little and saw what he never wanted to see. Sandro approached Lorenzo and kissed him, but what made him shiver was that Lorenzo kissed him back immediately. His face dropped and its pallor fused with the green leaves of the bushes. The apple in his hand fell, his eyes burned and he leaped out of the woods and smash the faces of those two abominable beings; God only knows how he managed to contain himself.