Finding Strength (19 page)

Chapter Thirty

December 25
th
, 2009

On what is supposed to be a day of family and celebration, presents, food, and happiness, there is a sadness, thick and heavy hovering over me. I can’t seem to focus on the goings on around me. Amy has left me be to sulk in the despair I have created for myself. I can’t say that I blame her. I don’t blame her. She felt that I shouldn’t have pushed Zak away, but instead tried to work through this with him. She doesn’t understand that I can’t do that or how my mind goes to mush and all thoughts only resume when I am not around Zak and I need my coherent thoughts to make sure I do what is best for me and Braxton. I sit alone in a chair in the corner of the living room, mindlessly watching my family and friends, not really seeing what’s right in front of me.

Just as I am about to step through the door out into the cold, brisk air, going home, Amy grabs my arm to spin me around to her. “You need to fix this, Anna. I haven’t seen you like this since,” her voice fades away. I know since when and there is no need for her to remind me.

“You don’t have to say it. I don’t know what to do, Amy. I want to run after him and throw caution to the wind and just say the heck with it, grabbing on t
o
everything he makes me feel. But, I can’t, because as soon as the sun sets and I’m alone, all thoughts of Jacob come crashing down on me. I have yet to figure out how to make it stop, how to say good-bye when I never wanted to say it in the first place. I’ve ruined everything and I’m afraid there is nothing I can do to fix it if I can’t even manage to make myself believe I’m not betraying Jacob.”

“I can’t tell you how to fix it. What I can tell you is that Zak loves you. He’s hurting right now, just as much as you are.”

“How do you know that?” I ask, bewildered by her admission.

“He called Shane last night to let him know that he wasn’t coming today. It took a good bit of fast talk to get Zak to admit what was going on, but he finally did. All I’m asking from you is to please search your heart, every single dark corner and really look deep inside of you for the right answer. You’ve been happier than I have seen you in a long time and there’s a reason for that. You look close enough, you may just see who has brought that part of you back to life.”

Braxton’s in bed sleeping soundly after a very exciting day for him. Me on the other hand, well, I can’t shut my mind off. Too many thoughts are racing around in my brain, keeping sleep just out of my reach. I feel as if I am on a dirt track racing for my life, around and around, with no finish line that can be crossed. There are too many questions to be answered and try as I may, no solutions are forthcoming. The quiet doesn’t seem to help me at all, only adding to the disarray and chaos, silently edging me further from the truths that lie within me.

As the dawn breaks, my eyes have yet to close and none of my questions have been answered. I seem to have hit a brick wall, one that refuses to be torn down. I can’t find a way around it, no matter how hard I try. I know that I love Zak and I know that he does bring me happiness but, I also know that the tethers that hold me to Jacob are so strong, like corded wire, seemingly unbreakable. I push the covers down, the force causing them to fall to the floor. Sighing, I climb from the bed and make my way to the bathroom. Maybe a shower will disperse some of the fog from my head, giving me a much clearer insight as to what I need to do.

The warm water did help release the tension from my muscles, making me feel more awake than I was after having no sleep. Still, nothing is jumping out at me saying here’s the answer you’re looking for, not that I really believed it would. I dry off and dress and turn to head out to the kitchen to start the coffee. Braxton is standing in my doorway, a frown on his face. Immediately I rush to him, fearing something is wrong.

“What’s the matter?” I ask, feeling his forehead checking for a fever, my eyes searching for cuts, scrapes, or bruises that would be visible.

“Why doesn’t Zak like us anymore?” he ask. My heart breaks for him and I realize that my choices have not only hurt Zak, but they have hurt Braxton as well.

“Oh, honey, he still likes you.”

I push his hair back from his forehead then pull him to me, wrapping him in a hug. I want to protect him from the world. This time, though, it’s me who he needs to be protected from. I have caused this. Tears fill my eyes. There’s no holding them back and one by one they spill over.

“Why didn’t he come for Christmas then?” he ask, his voice laced with a sadness I wish I could wipe away.

“I’m sorry.” It’s the only answer I can give him.

I get Braxton settled with breakfast, letting him eat his toast and fruit in front of the TV. I sprint down the hall and into my bedroom, grab my cell phone from the night stand, dialing Amy’s number, I wait for her to answer. I slowly walk back to the kitchen, just out of earshot of Braxton.

“Hello?” Amy’s voice is quiet and I can tell she wasn’t awake yet.

“Hey, I’m sorry to wake you. Do you want me to call you back later?”

“No, it’s fine. Is everything okay? You sound off. Have you been crying?”

Amy is very intuitive and getting anything past her is almost impossible.

“I need you to do me a favor.”

I told her about Braxton’s questions this morning and so an hour after I hung up with her, Amy was at the door to pick him up. She assured me that Shane could get Zak to come over and if not, they would take Braxton to Zak. I hate to spring this on Zak, but he loves Brax and through his actions has already shown he would do anything for him. I just hope that me pushing him away, no matter how temporary or permanent it may be, doesn’t damage his relationship with my son. My heart wouldn’t heal from watching the pain that would cause Braxton and knowing I was the reason would be even more devastating.

My thoughts continued to race throughout the day as I waited for Amy and Braxton to return. I couldn’t focus, too worried about what was happening fifteen minutes down the road. I have planted myself on the couch and tried to get lost inside the words staring back at me from my e-reader. It’s been three hours since they left. Surely Amy would have called if Zak didn’t make it. I hear the front door open just as the thought crosses my mind. Braxton comes running over to the couch, a smile that has his entire face alight, stretches from ear to ear.

“Mommy, look!” he says, shoving a car with lights that flash in front of my face.

“That’s cool, buddy. Where did you get that?”

“Zak gave it to me,” he says, then turns around to play with the car on the floor.

Amy walks over dropping a bag next to me on the floor. I lean over to get a look at what’s in there. There, inside the bag is a massive amount of cars, trucks, and what looks like buildings that would make an entire toy city.

“They’re all from Zak,” Amy says, sliding down o
n
the couch beside me. I look over to her, my eyes burning into hers, willing her to answer the question that is on my mind, surely on display across my face. “Yes, he asked how you were doing,” she says, reading my thoughts.

“Is he okay?” I inquire.

“Anna, I’m not gonna lie, as much as he tried to hide it, his heart is broken. He looks lost.”

“I wish there was a quick and easy fix to this. I wish I knew what I was doing and God knows I wish I had the strength to do whatever it is that I am supposed to be doing.”

“You better figure it out before you destroy both of you.” Amy stands from the couch and takes a few steps toward the door before turning back to me. “There’s a swing set at the house that is for Braxton. Shane will be over sometime this week to put it up for him.”

I watched as she walked out of the door, leaving me to assimilate the information given to me. I’m pretty sure I know where the swing set came from because had it been from Amy, I would have known about it before now. Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to everything yesterday, but that’s not likely something I would have missed. A black cloud of darkness, the same one that follows me around, filled with sadness and something akin to regret overcome me, touching every part of my mind. Tears burn and then drop from my eyes. Pulling my knees to my chest, I drop my head and let the hurt, sorrow, and self-pity that I brought on not just myself, but those around me fall with each droplet of water.

Chapter Thirty-One

January 29
th
, 2010

It’s been just over a month since I have seen Zak. I’ve made no headway with finding a resolution although I have tried. It seems trying is all I do. I have made such a mess of everything. I can’t even feel sorry for myself anymore. I haven’t seen Zak, since the day I forced him to walk away. I sent him a few text to ease my mind, all of which he answered but never pried into more than casual conversation. Fear gripped me tighter with each text and with each passing day. I missed Zak with a fierceness that was beyond understanding. I didn’t know just how much until he wasn’t there for me to talk to. I miss the feel of his lips, soft and warm yet commanding on my own. I miss his strong arms always wrapping me into his comforting embrace providing me with a blanket of security. It’s amazing the things you realize after you let them go. 

I make a mug of hot tea, drop in a spoonful of sugar and a little cream and make my way outside to the patio and into the chaise lounge. Staring up at the sky, the sun just starting it’s decent, I think back to when I lost Lindsey. How did I make it through that? How was it I was strong enough to forge ahead? The answer to both was the one person who is no longer here but still holds me captive. Jacob.

The memories of our time together flash throug
h
my head, slowing to a crawl as I remember the day Jacob was brutally taken from me. I allow myself to feel the pain for just a brief moment and then force my thoughts ahead in time. The more I remember after that day, the more I see it was Amy, once again, picking up the pieces of my life, helping me to keep my focus and be the person Braxton needed me to be, the mom he so desperately needed. Closing my eyes, another memory plays like a script from paper come to life behind the veil of my eyelids.

Soon the question of how I made it to where I am today makes itself known. I suck in a breath as the realization washes over me, giving me a renewed sense of hope. The answer was there in front of me all along just waiting for me to really open my eyes and see it. I know what it is that I must do. I just have to find the courage that I know exist somewhere inside of me. I have to find the strength to cut the tethers that have held me to the past.

I watch as the last of the light fades and the stars begin to dot the sky. I watch the moon rise into the black sky, casting a soft glow over the trees. Pushing myself up out of the chair, I take my mug to the kitchen and set it in the sink. The ceramic clinks against the metal of the basin breaking the silence. The clock on the stove reads just after nine. Braxton is staying the night at Shane and Amy’s house. I hate being away from him, but needed the space it provided for me to try and get things in order. Luckily, I now know what it is I need to do to put the pieces of the lives I hav
e
broken, back into place.

The weekend passes in a blur, and soon it’s Monday morning. I dropped Braxton off at school a half hour ago and now I am sitting in my car, heat on full blast, in front of the cemetery. It’s time, yet I find it hard to move from the warmth. I’m scared, distressed, and my heart is heavy, knowing what I came here to do. I cut the engine off, taking the keys and sliding them into the pocket of my coat, open the door and as if in slow motion, I step out of the car.

The wind is bitter and instantly chills my face. I pull my coat closer together in an attempt to keep the winter wind out and the remaining warmth from the heater in. Looking to my left, I see my destination.
Just go, Anna.
I think to myself and then begin the trek up the path to the two stones that rise from the ground. With every step, my nerves become alive, highlighting the fear that is built up inside of me. The chill from the air causing my breath to fan out in front of me like a fine cloud before disappearing.

I stop in front of the two granite stones, each bearing the name of two of the people whom I loved most in this world.

Lindsey Elaine Mitchell.

Beloved daughter.

Gone but not forgotten.

I run my fingers over the words carved in the dark gray stone bearing my daughter’s name. “I love you, Lindsey.” I move to the stone alongside of her. I sit down on the cold, hard ground just between them both. I read the words staring back at me willing the tears to remain at bay
.

Jacob
Michael
Caulder

Loving husband. Devoted Father.

Forever in our hearts.

Placing my palm over Jacob’s name, I bow my head and ask God above for one final push of strength.

My hand is trembling, as well as the rest of my body and it’s not all from the cold of the winter day. I bring my eyes up to once again rest on Jacob’s name, allowing my hand to slide down to the ground just below the headstone. Pulling in a lungful of the icy air, I hold it in for a few moments before slowly letting it out.