Finding Solace (31 page)

 
He moved
himself back home after the initial treatment was over. He said his parents
were smothering him and he just wanted to be in his home.
Typical,
stubborn man.
His mom and dad fought hard, but they didn’t win the
battle. There was no way Tony could keep up on the house while he was sick, so
Jason and Mike took care of everything that had to do with the outside. They
shoveled the snow off the driveway, took down the Christmas lights, and spread
salt. You know what I mean by outside stuff. I cleaned the inside and cooked
the meals. His mom brought food over, so most of the time I just heated it up.
Heather helped me clean also. So I guess I really didn't do everything. It just
felt like it. I know you all must think I have a superman complex or something.
Maybe I do. Helping people when they need it is just what I feel I need to do.
It is not a "want to" option. Having Colt in my life showed me, that
just having someone there to share your pain with, can take it away sometimes.
Or at least make it a little easier to bear.

 
Tony was
back on his feet for now so no one had to do much. He let us all know he was
competent on his own. I would give him whatever he asked for and then he would
yell at me and say I treat him like an invalid.
Ungrateful
jerk.
Apparently my need to nurture him went overboard. He had just
become so important to me. Through all the tests and him being so sick from the
treatments, we spent so much time together. We talked about everything. What he
wants to find in a woman. What I need from a man. It cracked my ass up when he
told me the only reason he stopped hanging out with his friends and started
hanging with all of us was me. He really thought he had enough swagger to bring
me in, as he put it. Now we both agree
,
it would be
gross to go there again. When he asked me to stay that day, a friendship
started that I don’t think I have another to compare it to. Today Tony told me
I have to stay away. Don't get me wrong, trying to balance work, our friends,
and Colt most importantly. Tony hasn’t been an easy task, so I was looking
forward to surprising Colt.

 
I was
driving over to his apartment thinking about how much better things have been
between us since the day he got busted. He just seems happier. The monkey has
finally been lifted off of his back. All the locks on the doors are gone.
Things have just been great between us lately. I didn’t tell him I was coming
by,
he thought I was over at Tony’s. I stopped at home
before I headed over to change into the sexiest lingerie I had ever seen. I
bought it the day before at Victoria’s Secret. The dark green lace push up bra
matched the
crotchless
panties. I can say for sure
that I never would have thought to buy something like this before Colt. He just
brings a kinky side of me out. I packed a bag of clothes so that I had
something to change into after he ripped this off of me. I wrapped a coat
around myself, so it was just me, my lingerie and my black stiletto five inch
heels.

 
I pulled in
to the parking lot, turned off my car and walked up to his door. I contemplated
whether I should knock or not, when I remembered the lack of locks now. If he
was home, the door was usually unlocked. I tried the knob and it was my lucky
day, it opened. As I entered, I stripped my coat off so that I was exposed. I
felt beautiful. I fluffed my hair and brought some of the hair from the back
over my shoulders to play peekaboo with my breasts. I slowly walked around the
corner, sliding my hand up the wall seductively. I looked up to see his
reaction and screamed! There was a girl on his couch staring at me with her jaw
dropped. I instantly covered myself. I ran back to the foyer to grab the coat
off the floor when I heard, "Sadie, is that you?"

 
I wanted to
scream "No, you stupid son of a bitch, it’s another one of your
whores." but I didn’t. I would not even turn around to look at him. I
picked up my coat and put it on. I grabbed my bag and only then did I convince
myself to stand tall. I would not be ashamed. I turned to face him and his face
pissed me off even more. He was smiling. Smiling!

 
"What
is so fucking funny about this, Colt?" Just then Bryan walked around the
corner.

 
"I
didn't want to come in until you were covered.
By the way,
nice pick on the underwear, Sadie.
You look fucking hot."

 
"Thanks,
Bryan. Goodbye, both of you."

 
I turned
back to the door and walked out. Colt followed me and then closed the door
behind him.

 
"Sadie,
wait. Let me talk before you storm off okay?" I spun around so fast. What
could he possibly have to say? That I should have known better. That I should
have called first. I know all this already. I didn’t need to hear him out. I
needed to leave. So I continued to walk to my car. I had the door handle in my
hand when Colt placed his palm on the panel blocking me from going anywhere. I
wanted to stand there and not say anything. I didn’t want to deal with this
right now. I just wanted to go home. And then something snapped. I was fucking
tired of running from things. So what did I do? I turned around and shoved him
as hard as I could. He fell off balance, but as he corrected his stance, I
shoved him again.

 
"You
smiled, you stupid prick. You think it’s funny to be humiliated? Well asshole,
it's not. So go back in your house and get back to whatever you were planning
to do with that girl who is still waiting for you, or did you forget about
her?"

 
"Her
name is Marissa by the way and she's..."

 
"She’s
what? I don't need to know the names of the girls you fuck! I just didn't think
you brought them here. Obviously I was..."

 
"Wrong.
You are wrong. Be quiet for one second and I can explain. She is Bryan’s
sister. She flew in yesterday to check out the campus. She's thinking about
going here after she graduates"

 
I was still
reeling from the fact I was just humiliated. "Yeah right, Colt. You and
Bryan can go finish whatever kinky ass shit you were about to get into and
I..."

 
He grabbed
me and kissed me. I tried to push him away but he would not let me go. He just
continued to press his lips against mine. When I say he would not let go, I
really mean he would not let go. Eventually I had to talk with his mouth still
against mine.

 
"Are
you going to stop anytime soon?"

 
"I
could ask you the same question." He still had his mouth on mine. We
looked ridiculous. Anyone watching us for longer than a minute would know we
were not kissing. This was a standoff and I was not going to be the one backing
down. Time moved so slowly. I wondered if he was getting cold. He had on no
coat, socks or shoes. I knew I was freezing. At this point we were being down
right stupid. As I stood there, I thought about everything he had said and it
did make sense. I knew Bryan had a little sister. I also knew her name was
Marissa. He had talked about her quite a bit. Maybe I was over reacting a
little. I was getting frostbite by now and started to noticeably shake. Colt
had begun shaking a while ago. Neither one of us were going to admit we were
cold. I heard the door open but I wouldn’t look. Then I heard Bryan say,
"Are you two that stubborn, really? Marissa and I have been watching you
for the last ten minutes.
Its twenty three degrees out here.
I would say you need to kiss and make up but that isn't obviously working. How
about you guys come inside and finish this?" Neither of us moved. I was
taking a stand for once and I was not backing down. Even if I did know it was
for no reason. Another five minutes had gone by at least, when Colt finally
pulled away and said, "Fuck this, I'm freezing."

 
He grabbed
me and threw me over his shoulder, carried me up the stairs and into his house.
The whole time I was draped over him, I just kept screaming in my head "I
won! I won! I won!"

 
Marissa
ended up being very sweet. I felt so stupid at first, but she made me forget it
even happened. The rest of the day went without drama. We rented movies off
Netflix, ordered pizza and drank beer. I called Tony to check on him but he
yelled at me again and told me to just have fun. Bryan and Marissa left a
little after midnight. We started to get ready for bed and wait.... Did I
forget to tell you we spent a good half an hour in the shower letting boiling
water melt away the ice that had formed on all of our extremities? It was
needed, let me tell you. Don't be a fool and try to prove a null point on one
of the coldest days in winter with little to no clothes on. It is a bad idea.
So anyway, Colt got to the tooth brush first so I put my moisturizer on while I
waited for it. When he finished, he handed it over to me and then went into the
bedroom. I brushed and then joined him in bed. When I got in, he pulled me to
my comfy place and it was then that I felt all was right again between us.

 
It was the
day before Valentine’s Day. Heather was telling me all about how she and Jason
were going away to some ski resort in Denver that Mike hooked them up with.
That dude knows some influential people. Shawn and Ashlee were going with them.
I knew they were going to have a blast but there was a small part of me that
hated that I didn’t have a boyfriend that I could do couple things with. Colt
reminded me not too long ago that things haven't changed for him. He was still
stuck in that place, where I was not anymore. There was only three more months
left before they all graduated. What am I going to do?

 
After I
helped Heather pick out what she should pack, she stopped folding her clothes
and said, "Sadie, I know you wanted to come with us. I am sorry."

 
"No,
it’s okay. I would love to see Colorado but I'm still young. I have plenty of
time."

 
"That's
not what I was saying and you know it. I found the letter."

 
I started to
panic. "What letter?"

 
"Are
you really going to try to play stupid with me?" She walked over to her
drawer and pulled out one of the letters I had written Colt. "You don't
know how close I was to giving this to him. How could you feel this strong and
not tell him?"

 
"You
wouldn't understand."

 
"Try me,
Sadie. I do understand love. I'm in it. So please, tell me why you would choose
to sit back and let all this time get away from you both and not tell
him?"

 
"Because!
I can't lose him!"

 
"Lose
him? Why would you lose him?"

 
"Heather,
please. It’s hard to explain."

 
"That's
the problem, Sadie. It shouldn't be. It either is or isn't. Love doesn't have
a middle
."

 
"You
know how he feels about making this serious. I love him, Heather. I can't lose
what I have with him. If I tell him, I know what he will do. He already has
before. He will walk away. And that means I will have lost him. But for good."

 
"I
think you are making a mistake but this is your life to live. You might regret
this. Can you see that part of all this?
The what
happens after he goes home and you didn't tell him part?"

 
"I
think about it every day. But I am doing the right thing for us."

 
"If you really think so."
She walked out of the
room leaving the letter laying on the bed right in front of me. I could not
help myself from picking it up. It was the one I wrote right after Christmas.

 
My
dearest Colt,

 
I know saying my dearest sounds so corny. I
thought of a million things I could say to describe you. All of them seemed
just as corny, so I went with what you are to me,
My
dearest everything.

 
I just opened the bracelet that you got for
me. It means more to me than you will ever know. That night, I felt like I was
finally able to express to you my feelings, even if it was through a song. I
wasn't sure how to read you after I was done. It seemed like you heard what I
was trying to say and you felt something too. I feel like the gift confirms
that I was right. You confuse me more than anything. When I look at the
bracelet, I feel like a future with you just might be possible. The word
"stay" kind of solidifies that. But then I question, how can you say
one thing and do another? Every time you tell me what you want us to be, is
every time I lie to you. I tell you I understand. I tell you I feel the same
way. But every night I sleep in your arms, I tell myself that you love me too.
I tell myself that you want more but you are scared. I tell myself that one day
you are going to come to me and say everything you told me was a lie. Just like
the ones I told you.

 
You make me feel special.
Like
I am not broken from James, but stronger because I made it through it.
You make me feel like I am someone that should be worshipped. You make me feel
like I am everything anyone could possibly need and I truly am starting to see
myself that way. I’m not broken. I should be worshipped.
But
as far as being enough?
How can that be true if I am not enough for you?
The one man I want. The only man I have ever wanted to want
me,
doesn't. How can I feel whole if the man that holds my heart doesn’t want it?
If I didn't already know that by telling you any of this I would lose you
forever, I would confess it all to you. I would tell you that after you
graduate, wherever you go, I will follow. That a day away from you already rips
at my heart but a lifetime away would kill it. Maybe someday your two worlds
can collide and I will be a part of that. Maybe even get to meet the little
girl who holds your heart. I can only imagine how special she is. I'm sure
you’re wrapped around that little bundle of joy now. It is where you should be.
But where do I fit in? I can’t end this letter being spiteful. I love you too
much for that. Even if I don’t get forever with you Colt, I am so happy I got
what I did. Maybe just maybe, you will know all this. Merry Christmas, Colt.