Finding Rebecca: A Novel of Love and the Holocaust (11 page)

“Be careful, Christopher,” he
advised, his smile melting away. “She’s engaged, and not just to anyone, to
Jonathan Durrell.”

“I know what I’m doing,” Christopher
replied, trying to convince himself more than anything else by saying the words
out loud. There was no denying that his mind, his world, had been tinged a
different color now. Christopher didn’t speak of the note that morning in work
with his father, though he would have liked to. It would have been good to
speak to someone who knew her like he did, but he knew what his father would
say, and he knew his father would be right. So he didn’t mention it.

Christopher arrived ten minutes early
and she was already waiting for him. She beamed, dressed in a new blue dress.
Christopher raised his hands to his tie, pushing it upwards as he smiled back
at her. Her face was so wonderful he almost burst out laughing as he walked to her.
Rebecca was sitting on a rock overlooking the Lion’s Mane, a rocky outcrop,
about half a mile down the coast from Rebecca’s parents’ house. Rebecca stood
up as Christopher walked to her. He was still moving forward and he held up his
arms but stopped short, as she did. Christopher brought his arms back down and
offered a handshake, which she took in both hands.

“Christopher, you look wonderful. I
can’t tell you how splendid it is to be back here, with you.”

Christopher’s smile widened so far he
thought it was going to tear his face apart. “Why did we call this place the
Lion’s Mane anyway? It looks more like a bunch of black carrots cutting into
the sea to me.”

“I suppose the Lion’s Mane was a
better name. It does sound better than the Bunch of Black Carrots doesn’t it?
It flows off the tongue rather better.”

Christopher laughed and then caught
himself staring. He tore his eyes away and threw them out towards the endless
fascination of the sea. It was hard to know what to say next. There was so
much. “Tell me about your time in England, where were you?”

“In Portsmouth mainly. We moved
around a little towards the end. Peter is in Southampton now, working on the
docks. He likes it there. I don’t think he’ll ever come back.”

“What was it like when you left? The
last I saw of you was as a fifteen year old. You must have been terrified.”

“I was, at first, but I think I could
get used to about anything now. Peter had set up somewhere for us to live and a
job for himself when I arrived so that was a comfort. I had Peter to look after
me. He was more of a parent to me than my mother and father ever were. I owe
him so much.”

“But you’re back living with your
parents now.”

“Only until the wedding,” she
answered, looking directly at Christopher as she spoke. The word
wedding
cut into Christopher like a
razor blade and he felt himself tighten inside. Rebecca seemed not to notice or
ignored him if she did, and continued talking. “They’re better now, most of the
time anyway. My father dare not lay a hand on me now, as he knows how it would
look in front of the Durrells, his new darlings. It sickens me how much my
mother and father fawn to them, but they’re my parents, I can’t give up on
them.” She took her eyes off Christopher and gazed out at the water extending
out in front of them. The early June sun shone off the tops of the waves as
they crested out in front of them like golden icing on some giant cake.
Christopher didn’t speak, just waited for Rebecca to continue. “Their drinking
is better now, although it seems hard to imagine it could’ve gotten any worse.
I’ve really noticed the effect it’s had on them. They look more like they
should be my grandparents. They were so handsome once, at least from the old
photographs I’ve seen.”

“They were a comely couple.” The next
words strained in his throat. Christopher wanted to tell her how much he missed
her, how much she still meant to him, how beautiful she was, but he kept it
inside. The feelings he had for her felt rough and jagged, as if they were
tearing at his insides like swallowed glass. He knew he should get up and
leave, that it was the only truly sensible thing to do, but it was the one
thing in this situation that he knew he would never happen. He was sitting
beside her on the rock, his hand only inches from hers. It would have been so
easy to touch her. Instead he reached up for a phantom itch on his neck. “It
was such a shock when you left. I remember thinking that life just couldn’t go
on.” He feigned laughing. “It seems so ridiculous now, the things that children
think?” He turned to her with a smile on his face, the smile he thought she
would want to see.

“No, of course not.” She started and
reached across to take his hand but didn’t, instead patting him on the knuckles,
before withdrawing in one clumsy movement. Christopher felt the tension between
them, felt it crawling up his spine into his jaw, which he stretched out before
looking back at her. She was staring out to sea again. “No, Christopher, we
were the center of each other’s world. It’s sweet when you think about it.”

“But we were young then.”

“Yes, of course,” Rebecca answered,
pushing out a breath. “Nothing ever stays the same.”

“That’s funny, I thought nothing ever
changed. It doesn’t seem like anything ever changes on this island.”

“I came back, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did, and engaged to be
married. Perhaps you are right after all.” It felt good to reiterate that she
was engaged. It was a boundary for them both to be wary of, for them both to
obey. “So how did you two meet? Where were you?”

Rebecca’s eyes flitted over to his
and then away as she began to speak. “I was working as a waitress in the yacht
club in Southampton. A friend introduced him to me when she heard he was from
Jersey also. I can’t say that I thought much of him at first.” She smiled to
herself, as if for her own benefit, as if she were repeating a story she
practiced many times, and was now reciting to him. “But he wore me down, like
every man does, I suppose. He found out where I lived and sent me flowers, and
even befriended Peter to get to know me better.”

“What’s he like? I hear his parents
are very well thought of around the island. I’ve never met them myself, but my
father has.”

“He’s not as outgoing as they are. He’s
shy, and can be rather serious, I suppose, but he was so good to us in England
when we really needed him. I’m sure he’ll make a wonderful husband.”

Christopher resisted temptation to
say anything other than, “Congratulations.”

“Thank you. What about you? You must
have every single girl on the island chasing after you. You’ve grown up so
handsome,” she said. Christopher felt the touch of her hand on his shoulder and
just as quickly it was gone. Her face reddened a little and she coughed.

“Oh yes, every girl on the island.
It’s tough you know, trying to keep them from waking my family at night.
There’s so many of them camped outside my house. They even have their own
little town amongst the tents, Christopherville, I believe they call it.”

Rebecca laughed, and the tension eased,
at least for a few seconds. “No, seriously, I heard you were seeing that girl
from the Red Lion, Sandrine? I’ve not met her, but I hear she’s very pretty.”

“Seeing is a strong word.”

“You sound like Uli now.” Rebecca
laughed again. “Is that what you’re going to be, the eternal bachelor?”

“You do know he’s married now, don’t
you? I told you that in my letter, didn’t I?”

“You did, but you know what I mean,
don’t dodge the question, Master Seeler.”

“I feel like I’m being questioned by
the police.” Christopher laughed. “Let’s just say I’m still waiting for the
right girl to come along. Sandrine is lovely, a really nice person but….” He
stopped himself. “I don’t think that she’s the right one for me, not now
anyway.” The sun had disappeared by this time and leaden clouds were extending
over the land from the sea. Christopher looked across at Rebecca again, tried
to catch her eye but couldn’t. He took a deep breath and thought of what he
really had to lose. “I suppose I thought you were the person... I know it
sounds silly now that you’ve found the one that you truly want to be with.”

“Oh Christopher, you’re so sweet. Any
girl would be so lucky to have you, truly they would. Perhaps things might have
been different...”

“Perhaps I should leave.” Christopher
said as he went to get up, hoping she would stop him. She did, grasping his
wrist with a strong grip. She didn’t say anything, just shook her head and he
sat back down. “So when is the big day?”

“There’s no date set yet.” Her voice
came as a whisper this time, almost lost on the strengthening wind. “I’m not
feeling sorry for you, Christopher, there’s no need for that. I loved you for
so long, but I never thought I’d come back here. I had to let go. You father
told me that you were getting on with your life in his letters. He never told
me to forget about you, but I thought it best, especially for you. You didn’t
need me holding you back. Your father was right in what he did.”

“You never held me back.”

“I left, Christopher. I didn’t want
you to uproot yourself from your home and your family, for me. I wasn’t ready
for that. It was just a bad time. ”

Christopher wanted to tell her that
there was no better reason to leave Jersey and that it had taken him a long
time to forgive his father for protecting him but the rain began, first as a
spattering that drove them to their feet, then as a deluge which soaked them
through. Their clothes were stuck to them as they started back towards the
houses. Rebecca was barefoot, as she always was, and she streaked ahead of him.
She stopped outside her parents’ house to wait for him. The rain was still pouring
down, and Rebecca’s hair was clamped tight to her scalp as she spoke, rivulets
of water running down the smooth skin of her face. “Come on inside, my parents
are not here.” Christopher looked back at her. “Trust me, they’re out.” She
scampered down the driveway. Christopher stood still and watched her push the
front door open before running over and inside.

She was standing there laughing as he
came inside. The lamp was on, casting a sparse light against the greying
evening outside. Her blue eyes were staring directly into his and he had never
seen anything quite so beautiful as she was. Without thinking, he reached
forward to her and put his arms around her, hugging her tight to him. He felt
her arms wrap around him. His hands were on the center of her back and he could
feel the wet ruffles of her dress between his fingers. The rain was beating
down outside but they were safe inside her parents’ house.
Of all places to be safe inside
, he thought to himself. It was
thirty seconds before she drew her head back and they released their grip on
one another. When they did, things had changed between them. Somehow it felt
that everything had been leading to this. She looked into his eyes, as she did
before, and mumbled the words. “We should get you dried off.”

Rebecca led him through the hallway,
seemingly freshly wallpapered, to the newly carpeted stairs. He was at the foot
of the stairs, watching her ascend in front of him when she stopped and waved a
hand for him to follow. There was little light on the stairwell, only that of
the dull hall lamp behind them. Rebecca was at the doorway to her room, her
hand on the knob. Christopher had never been in her bedroom before. She pushed
open the door and Christopher saw the iron bed, still unmade from the night
before below the window and the old dresser with the mirror above it. They
still hadn’t spoken. She reached out to him, taking his hands in hers, holding
them up so each could see them in front of their faces. Christopher felt his
breath quicken, could hear hers do the same, and watched as she held her arms in
the air. “Can you help me?” she whispered and he leant back to undo the hooks
on the back of her dress, unclasping each one in turn. She stood there
wordlessly as he worked on the hooks and then the belt. Christopher tried to
pull the dress down but she redirected him with a gentle, “not that way,” and
he pulled it up over her head. He pulled the slip up over her head the same way
and Rebecca lowered her arms and reached out to him, dressed now only in
brassiere and underwear. She took his tie and smiled as she roughly tore it
off, and began to work on the buttons of his shirt. Meticulously, she worked
through each button on the shirt and once it was open pulled it off him to
reveal his bare chest. She took a towel from the chair behind her and rubbed
his torso and arms, moving up to his hair. She was inches from him and handed
the towel to him. He dried each arm first, before moving on to her hair and
finally her breasts and flat belly.

Christopher handed the towel back to
her with a smile and Rebecca placed it over the chair behind her once more. She
wasn’t smiling. They stood there for a few seconds. Christopher wondering what
to do next but Rebecca answered for him. She reached forward to him and undid
the belt around his waist, letting it fall to the floor with a clack. She helped
him with his trousers and they were at his ankles. Christopher lifted each foot
in turn and she picked the trousers up to throw them across the room. She moved
to his undershorts and he was fully naked now. She reached around her own back
and undid the hooks on her brassiere. Christopher watched as she pulled down
her underwear and she was naked in front of him, her knees touching as she crossed
her legs ever so slightly. Christopher reached towards her, putting a hand on
her shoulder, feeling her warmth. She reached up and put her hand on his and he
took a step into her and put his other hand around the skin of her waist. She
was four or five inches smaller than he and she looked up at him to smile. Then
their lips were touching and he felt her tongue slipping into his mouth. Seconds
slid into minutes, the only sound that of the rain outside and the sea below. They
were still standing there by the bed when the sound of a car pulling into the
driveway filled the air. Christopher pulled away. “I thought you said they
weren’t coming back.”