Finding Purgatory (6 page)

Bristling, Ani nodded with a short jerk of her head. She wanted to argue but couldn’t see that it would do any good. “I’ll be inside, then. Let yourselves in when you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” Shane said. She felt his eyes following her as she walked out of earshot.

The polite thing to do would be to give them the privacy Shane had asked for, but Ani was both miffed and curious. She went into the garage, opening and shutting the door before she crept back, keeping herself hidden around the corner as Tori and Shane talked outside.

“—so close to graduating. Why would you back out now?” Shane asked. “I don’t know what’s in your head, but a high school diploma would only make your life easier.”

“Who said anything about dropping out? God, don’t be so melodramatic.”

“Are you saying you’re going to switch schools?”

“No.”

“You’re a twenty-minute commute from your school here, Tori.”

“I’m not stupid. Ani already said she’d take me.”

“Ani,” Shane said, and Ani was shocked to hear the derision in his voice. “Look, kid, I know Jeff and Stacey can be a pain in the neck, but at least you can depend on them for the things you need. It’s just a few more months.”

“And then what? Then you can all congratulate yourselves because at least you got me a high school diploma?”

“This isn’t about anyone but you. What you need.”

“You don’t know anything about what I need.”

“So you’re going to tell me that your sister does? Come on, kid. A few weeks ago, you couldn’t stop ranting about her, and now she’s the only one who can help you?”

“I know what I’m doing, okay? Just give it up. Go back to your life. I know you don’t really want to be here.”

Ani heard Shane suck in a breath and felt glad that, for once, Tori’s barbs weren’t aimed at her. It served him right for thinking the worst of her. Tori at least had a basis to her opinion. Shane didn’t know her from Eve.

“If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be here. This is my weekend, Tori. If you were just a job to me, I’d leave it until Monday to deal with,” he said, his voice mild.

“Don’t fucking do that.” Tori’s voice became more staccato as she got more upset. “I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of all you assholes telling me how much you care and how you only want what’s best for me. Well, you know what? None of you know shit. You don’t know anything. Jeff and Stacey think they’re saints for stuffing as many idiot kids into their spare rooms as the state will let them. You think that’s what I need?”

“It’s a means to an end. As long as you’re in the system, they—we—have a responsibility to you. You have certain rights, certain needs being seen to. If you leave the system, you can’t come back and my hands will be tied. I won’t be able to help you.”

“I don’t want to come back. I’m done. And I don’t want your help. You don’t want to help me.”

“I do want to help you.”

“You don’t. Or whatever. Fine, maybe you want to help me, but I don’t want your help.”

“But you want your sister’s help?”

“I’m going to have a baby, okay?” The words came out in a rush. “What now? You want to help it, too? I don’t want you to help it the way you
helped
me.” The way she leaned on the word, her tone was thick with disgust. “I don’t want it anywhere near that system. Ani said she’d take the thing. And yeah, maybe she’ll abandon it like she abandoned me. I’ve thought about that. But I have to try. I have to . . .”

Ani’s heart broke right along with Tori’s voice. Again, she wanted to protest, but she couldn’t. Earlier that day, hadn’t she considered telling Tori to forget it, that she couldn’t raise another baby when she’d lost her baby? Ani had always prided herself on her dependability, but even she wondered if she could be what Tori needed.

“Oh, Tori,” Shane said, his voice soft. “Tell me what happened. Was it—”

Tori’s laughter cut him off. It was not happy laughter, but a twisted, bitter sound. “Tell you what happened? So you can do what? Because it helped so much before.”

“If someone hurt you—”

“Shut up. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not going back. Drop it.”

In the silence that followed, Ani slipped into the house. She assumed their conversation was almost over. She didn’t want to get caught eavesdropping, but she was also fairly certain she didn’t want to hear any more.

There was much more to read between the lines than Ani had realized. She’d known the girl’s life hadn’t been easy. What that entailed, however, she hadn’t allowed herself to think about.

Ani bowed her head and threaded her fingers through her hair. She pulled the strands tight, trying to get a handle on the guilt that threatened to squash her lungs flat.

The last time she’d seen Tori, when she was little, her sister had been in the custody of Mr. and Mrs. Welch. They were a young, loving couple who’d doted on the girl. One or the other of them was always holding Victoria, playing with her, patiently indulging her four-year-old conversation. This was the image Ani had kept in her head whenever she started to wonder about her little sister.

Something had gone wrong, but what?

If Tori didn’t trust the system that raised her, it stood to reason she must have been mistreated in some way. Something had to have broken the innate trust of a child that the adults around her would take care of her.

Shane’s first instinct upon learning of her pregnancy was that someone had hurt Tori. That thought hadn’t crossed Ani’s mind at all. Yes, Tori was upset, but the suggestion that the baby was a result of a rape was a horror she wasn’t prepared to consider.

Ani put her hands over her eyes, trembling.

She couldn’t assume. Assumption never helped anyone.

The sound of the garage door opening made Ani jump. She wiped away any trace of the tears that had pricked but not spilled.

Tori came through first, her face twisted into an angry snarl and one of her duffle bags over her shoulder. “Where’s my room?”

Ani bit back the urge to snap at her rudeness. “There are two spare bedrooms at the end of the hallway upstairs. Take whichever one you want.”

Not even bothering to acknowledge she’d spoken, Tori turned toward the entryway and the stairs. Her steps weren’t light. Each footfall made the floor creak and protest.

Ani heard Shane’s more even steps behind her, but she didn’t turn until he cleared his throat. His expression was pinched, the skin around his eyes tight with sadness and obvious worry, but he tried for a friendly smile.

“I’m sorry if there was any trouble,” Ani said. She wanted to yell at the man for some of the things he’d said about her, but she recognized that he didn’t know her. Only time would prove her good intentions. “I didn’t realize she didn’t tell anyone where she was going.”

Shane shrugged, his smile a little more genuine. “All things considered, Tori’s been one of the easier kids I’ve worked with.” His lips twitched downward. “And she has a point. She is an adult. It’s her life.”

“And you think she’s making a mistake being here.”

He held her gaze for the space of a few heartbeats. His tone was quiet, his words measured when he spoke. “I think I’ve seen a lot of kids make decisions that cost them too much. Life is hard enough, and she’s so close to at least having a high school diploma. Maybe it’s not much, but it’s something.”

Ani nodded. “She’ll get her diploma.”

The man sighed and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. “I’ve got nothing against you, Ms. Novak. I’m sure you have good intentions.”

“But good intentions pave the road to hell.”

He nodded. “And that girl has been through enough hell for one lifetime.”

“What happened to her?” Ani asked.

“I was hoping you could tell me that.”

“You’re asking about the baby?” He nodded. “I have no idea. I was asking about everything else.”

His lips turned down. “I can’t give you specifics.” He’d told her the same thing when they first met and she had asked what happened to the Welches, how had Tori ended up with someone else. “Let’s just leave it at a lot of things happened to her that shouldn’t have.”

Another awkward silence descended on them before he pushed off the wall. “Okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.” He reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. “I don’t know that there’s much I can do to help you, but if you need to talk, I’m here to listen. Unofficially. As Tori’s friend.”

Taking the card he offered, Ani nodded and stood to see him out. “Thank you.”

Tori hopped back and forth between the two bedrooms several times before she decided which one she wanted.

It was strange to have a choice. A lot of things were strange. She couldn’t remember ever having a room to herself, let alone a room as big as these were. She’d lived her entire life in one twin-sized bed or another. The bed she lay on now, staring up at the ceiling, was a queen.

Space and privacy—what a novel situation.

Tori took slow breaths as she tried to figure out why she felt so panicky.

It was Shane’s fault she was irritated. She grabbed the huge snake she’d won earlier and cuddled the thing. She felt better with her head wedged between the two coils. Tori was already nervous about the whole situation with her sister, and Shane had made it worse.

When Ani had suggested she move in, Tori’s shocked response had been to ask, “How do I know you aren’t a psycho who’s out to kill me?”

She remembered the way her sister’s mouth had quirked up and down, like she wasn’t sure it was okay to smile. “Tori, if I was a murderer, I’d probably choose a target a little easier than you.”

She’d been teasing, but it wasn’t untrue. Tori knew she was a pain in the ass. Almost all her foster parents had said so. But they got money to keep her, and Ani didn’t. Tori was an adult now. If Ani decided to seven-day her, there would be no Shane to figure out where to put her.

“Tori?”

Pushing the snake away, self-conscious about being caught in such a vulnerable state, Tori sat up. “What do you want?”

Ani’s eyes narrowed, but she took a deep breath before she answered. “I just wanted to know if you were getting settled in okay. Do you need anything?”

“You have a kid’s room,” Tori said, her tone flat. The two rooms at the end of the hall were both open, so of course Tori had been attracted to the other two rooms whose doors were closed. One of them was the master bedroom, but the other looked like a little girl’s paradise.

Ani’s spine went rigid, and her patient expression faded away. When she spoke again, her voice had an edge to it. “We can still go out for dinner, if you want.”

Tori felt a rush of irritation. If she had to deal with a kid coming around, she had a right to know about that. Ani hadn’t said anything about having a kid. “You’re not going to tell me about the room?”

“No.” Ani seemed pissed. “Are you going to tell me about your baby’s father?”

Tori gritted her teeth so hard, she was surprised they didn’t chip. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk about that room.”

Tori turned those words over even as she stewed. “Are you telling me that if I talk about the baby’s father, you’ll tell me about that room?”

Her sister looked taken aback. “I might,” she said after a moment. “It’s possible.”

Tori was pissed that everyone kept trying to drag the baby’s father into things when she would just as soon forget he existed at all. “You’re being a real bitch to me right now. After what you did to me, I think the least you could do is tell me why you have a kid’s room in your house.”

For a second, Ani’s glare faltered. She looked guilty, and Tori was pleased at the pained look on her face. Then her sister’s eyes narrowed. Her voice was calm when she spoke. “If someone told you people stop being assholes just because they’re sorry or because you’ve been through a lot, you have been misinformed. That’s not how life works.”

“You’re just looking for an excuse to make how you treat me okay.”

“No, you’re just looking for an excuse to get what you want. I’m sorry for what I did when I was nineteen. It was cruel and careless,” her sister said, enunciating each word. “But that doesn’t mean I owe you anything you want. I don’t know what’s happened to you, Tori. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but you’re not the only one who’s suffered.”

Tori scoffed. “What do you know about suffering?”

“I know suffering doesn’t mean people will stop being assholes to you. Do you know what happened the day after I got out of the hospital after my husband and baby died? I went to the grocery store, and I was a little spaced out.” She laughed, the sound making Tori feel sick to her stomach, it was so twisted. “I was standing there, staring at these cookies my little girl loved, that I didn’t let her get the last time we were out shopping together. And this guy, maybe he’d been trying to get my attention, I don’t know, but he shoved me and told me to get the hell out of the way and stop blocking the aisle like a dumb bitch.”

Her words cut off, her face flushed an angry red as she tried to catch her breath.

For once, Tori didn’t know what to say.

“Your husband and baby died?” Her voice was thin, her stomach twisting with horror for what she’d said.

Ani sucked in a breath, staring up at an indistinct point on the wall. “I guess you did get what you wanted.” Her words were toneless and tired. “Yes. They died. And that’s why I have a little girl’s room and no little girl.”

With that, she turned on her heel, leaving Tori alone.

Chapter 6: Good Enough

T
ori had dragged her chicken nugget through the pool of barbeque sauce so many times, her paper plate was a mess of streaks. The school cafeteria was the usual cacophony of meaningless bullshit.

Calculus sucks. Mrs. LaRoche is fine as hell. Guess whose boyfriend was seen flirting with so and so, can you believe it?

She dropped the nugget on the plate and rubbed at an invisible spot on her chest, as if she could massage away the ache, loosen the sudden tightness in her lungs.

The flip of numbers from seventeen to eighteen could not have been more jarring. It felt insane to be in her high school cafeteria, to sit amongst the other students, listening to the drama that constituted life and death in the teenage set. She felt an itch on her skin—the realization she had an entire life to plan and no firm ground beneath her.