Finding North (9 page)

Maybe I’m not as frightening as I think I am, which I have to say is disappointing in some ways, but the more I stand here and look out at the ocean, the more I realise that Josh is right. I get to choose how my life goes. I get to decide if I live it alone or with someone else. And though I may not be able to sell the pub because all of our money is tied up in it and we’d get a lot less return, it doesn’t mean I have to spend my life hiding behind the injustice the world dealt me. It doesn’t mean I can’t be who I am and still be happy. If I continue down this path, I’m no better than them.

Pity then that the only man I can see myself happy with is still too afraid to be himself.

A
fter pulling on my jeans and shirt, I reach for the knob, but the door opens and I find myself face to face with North. He looks surprised to see me dressed. My eyes rake over his naked torso, committing him to memory because I’m not sure I’ll ever get to see this sight again. And goddamn is it a sight. From head to toe this man is sex personified, and as he stands in the doorway, holding my gaze, I breathe in the cloying scent of come, sweat and aftershave, and I have to fight the urge to pull him to me and kiss those big beautiful lips.

Stupid.

So fucking stupid to think that this wouldn’t change anything between us, or that it could change us for the better.

“I’m gonna take off,” I say.

“Half-baked? Your dad’s gonna fucking kill you.” His minty breath washes over my face as he pushes me back from the doorway. “Friends don’t let friends walk home half-baked.”

Friends don’t fuck one another, either
.

“It’s fine; obviously I can’t stay here.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because you just fucked me and ran off to the bathroom like a little bitch who was afraid she had cooties,” I snap, and North’s dad snorts in his sleep. We both hold our breath. He settles back into the same steady rhythm and North shoves me farther into the room. I have no choice but to go. He closes the door behind us and says, “You’re not going anywhere.”

“This was a dumb idea.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I ask.
Is he really that fucking daft?
“Jeez, North. I don’t know, maybe because you wouldn’t let me touch you.”

“It’s not my thing.” He shrugs. I close my eyes because that stung more than I’m willing to let him see. “That doesn’t mean anything has to change between us. We’re still exactly the same people we were an hour ago. Now come on, I need sleep. I’m stuffed.”

Is he really going to pretend like nothing happened?

You can’t just turn that shit off. Trust me, I’ve tried. He wanted it as badly as I did, so why the hell did he walk away?

“I’ll just take the floor,” I say. Arguing with him tonight won’t do any good.

“Stop being such a fucking pussy, Will, and get in here.” North sheds his jeans and climbs into bed. He’s not wearing boxers now, which surprises me. I can’t help but look. North wets his bottom lip and rolls over to face the window.

I shuck off my shoes and shirt, but I leave my jeans on and climb under the covers, despite the heat and the poor ventilation. Sweat prickles along the back of my neck and across my forehead.

North rolls over. Grabbing hold of my belt, he gives it a good hard tug that makes my stomach knot and my dick twitch. “Take your fucking jeans off or your nut sack is gonna be twisted up around your ears by morning.”

“You’re worried about my nut sack, now?”

“Dude, how many times have we slept in this bed in only our boxers?”

“You’re not wearing boxers, North,” I point out.

“So what?” he says, and leans over me to turn off the lamp. I take in a deep breath, inhaling his strong, masculine scent. “I just had my dick in your arse; somehow I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“True.” I unfasten my belt and jeans and tug them down my hips, kicking them off. I roll on my side, my back to his. All the blood rushes to my dick as I realise we’re both completely starkers.

“North?”

“What?” he groans, his voice husky. I love that he turns into a little kid when he’s tired.
Big fucking sook
.

“Was it …” I pause, not sure I really want to know the answer, but forging ahead anyway. “Was it disgusting to you?”

“Fucking you?”

“Yeah. I thought maybe because you ran off—”

“No, it wasn’t disgusting.” He lowers his voice to a whisper. His hot breath on the back of my neck sends a current of electricity down my spine. “It was a lot to wrap my head around, but it wasn’t disgusting.”

“And kissing me?”

“It was fine. It was just a mouth, Will.”

My heart sinks. Because it wasn’t just anything for me. It was everything. And I suppose there’s my answer. “Right.”

“Now shut up; I’m tired,” he says. I tuck my hands under the pillow we share. There’s no way I’ll get to sleep tonight, not after all the shit we did and the things he just said. North shifts closer to me on the bed, and his arm wraps around my side and under my own, resting on my bare chest.

“When did you get your nipples pierced?” he asks.

“The day after I turned eighteen—same day as my septum.”

“Well I knew about the nose ring, but you never told me about these,” he says, flicking the silver barbell beneath his hand. My cock twitches, and I grab the base and squeeze, willing it to go down already.

“I don’t tell you a lot of things.”

“I’m hurt, Will,” he says.
Always the sarcastic douche
. “I tell you everything.”

I scoff. “I know. Every goddamn detail about you fucking other women. You won’t shut up.”

He’s quiet for a moment, but his sharp inhalations tell me there’s something on the tip of his tongue. I can practically hear the cogs turning in his brain. “When I tell you those stories,” he says finally, “do you imagine it’s you I’m fucking?”

I shake my head, though I know he can’t see it in the dark. “What kind of question is that?”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” I admit. No point denying it any longer, I suppose, since he already knows how I feel about him.

“How long have you known?”

“That I was gay? I don’t know, maybe since the sixth grade. Though my dad swears he knew earlier.”

North stiffens behind me, but not in any way that counts. “Wait, your dad knows? And he didn’t kill you?”

“At about sixteen he came to give me the talk, only instead of giving me
Playboy
, he hands me this mag with some fucking twink on it. Sal had bought it for him, thought I’d appreciate looking at guys closer to my own age.”

North laughs. “So let me get this straight—Sal the bogan waitress bought you twink porn, and your dad had the talk with you about fucking men?” He hoots, and I pull the pillow out from underneath us and attempt to suffocate him with it.

“Shut up, or your dad’s gonna come in here and beat the shit outta the both of us.”

That sobers him, and North removes the pillow and tucks it beneath his head. “He wouldn’t just beat me—he’d kill me. He’d kill us both.”

“He wouldn’t kill you—you’re his kid.” I lay back and stare up at the ceiling, from shoulder to ankle my body is flush with his. “He wouldn’t—”

“Yes, he would. I know he would. There’s a lot of shit my dad lets me get away with, but being a homo isn’t one of them.”

I flinch.

“Sorry. That’s not what I meant.” He pushes me on my side and wraps his arm around me again, though this time he draws me in closer. I lay my hand over his, my heart thuds against our joined fingers.

“North?”

“What?” he groans.

“Would you ever, you know … let me do that to you?”

There’s another long pause, and I really wish I hadn’t said that because what other option have I given him than to feel awkward for telling me no? “I don’t know. Go to sleep, Will.”

Well, at least it wasn’t an outright no. He didn’t say never, or keep dreaming.

I close my eyes and let sleep wash over me, but just before I drift off North whispers, “You need to get out of this town, Will, before it breaks you. Before everyone finds out.”

And then I’m wide awake, because the thought of having to leave my home because I’m gay has never occurred to me. Maybe people suspect about me, maybe they don’t, but since my dad found out I haven’t given much thought to the fact that it might be a problem for anyone else. I mean, I’ve heard all the homophobic bullshit the steel workers sling back and forth down at the pub, especially now that I’m old enough to serve them drinks, but I guess I never felt like I was a part of something anyway, so it made no difference to me.

But North’s words give me pause, and when I finally pluck up the courage to ask him what he meant, I know the snore isn’t faked. He really is asleep and just like I predicted, I’m wide awake wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do with myself. I should get up and walk home, but I won’t because I don’t know when I’ll have this again. North’s body is warm beside me, and despite the heat, I close my eyes and dream without sleep. I dream of a life where things are very different between us, and him wrapping his arms around me as we slept doesn’t have to be dirty or secret or shameful—it’s just love, comfort and companionship, and it’s beautiful.

Around three a.m. North starts talking in his sleep. It’s indecipherable, but the moans are enough to let me know what’s what. His rigid length digs into the small of my back as he pushes against me, and my cock stiffens in response.

I don’t think about it. My hands move involuntarily and grip his head, sliding my fist over his dick from base to tip. North pushes his hips into my hands and I turn on the bed. He’s still asleep, so I know I shouldn’t take this further, but he was lying earlier when he said this wasn’t his thing. Maybe it hadn’t been up until this point, but you don’t just fuck a guy because you’re bored, or it’s the nice thing to do for a friend whose options are limited in a small town. You do it because you want to.

I lean up, ignoring the blood rushing to my cock making it feel like a lead weight between my legs. In the dark, I study his face and teeter on the edge of my decision. This could be the worst idea I’ve ever had, but it doesn’t feel like it, so I slide down the mattress, lower my head and take him in my mouth. He’s hot, and the taste of salt, sweat and man dances over my tongue. Losing all inhibition, I move my mouth vigorously up and down his shaft.