Finding Joy (The Joy Series) (Volume 2) (33 page)

I’d been so nervous about this weekend, but it had turned out really well for us. I had forgiven my father, and he’d come to terms with my relationship with Adam. More than that, my parents seemed to actually like Adam. They were genuinely happy for us. And now, even if she didn’t like it, it sounded like his mom was going to let us live in peace. For the first time, I felt like I could relax a little and be truly hopeful about our future. After I told him tonight that I didn’t want the baby, we could get on with just being happy.

I smeared lipstick across my lips and checked out my hair in the mirror. Returning the stuff to my purse, I finally looked out the window, and my heart constricted in my chest. My breathing felt sharp and ragged. The temperature in the car had ratcheted up at least 10 degrees, and my stomach knotted in response.

“What are you doing, Adam?” My whispered words seemed to echo through the small car.

Adam

Something was definitely wrong with Allie. She’d been fine just a second ago, but now she was pale and looked like she might pass out. I had the urge to grab her by the back of the neck and shove her head between her legs.

“Allie, what’s wrong?” I asked instead.

She shook her head back and forth. Her wild eyes were focused on the road in front of us. I followed her gaze, and it finally dawned on me.

We were on Douglas. Based on her reaction, it was likely that she hadn’t driven down this street since the day of the accident.

It made sense if she hadn’t. She had moved to Manhattan as soon as she’d been physically able, and she rarely came back to visit. When she did, her mom chauffeured her around the city. From what I knew about her family, it was safe to assume that they would steer her away from the scene of the accident.

That wasn’t the case for me. I hadn’t been able to stay away from it. The accident had literally happened in my front yard. Since I’d moved back home afterwards, the place where Joy had died had been a part of my daily life. It had been unavoidable. It had been hard at first, but eventually I’d become numb to it.

Ten years later and Allie wasn’t numb yet.

I had come this way intentionally, but it hadn’t occurred to me that it would upset her. Watching her in what was clearly a panic attack, I was torn. I generally tried to be sensitive to Allie’s feelings about the accident, but this was crazy. She didn’t get to be more upset about Joy’s death than me. If I could handle driving by my mom’s house, she should be able to as well. It was only a couple of blocks anyway.

“Breathe, Allie. I’ll turn in a second. I just want to drive past my mom’s to make sure she’s not alone,” I said, letting go of her hand. The tone of my voice snapped her out of her spell.

She took a few measured breaths and seemed to come to grips with the situation. Her eyes watered as if she was going to cry. “What is wrong with me?” she mumbled. “I’m sorry, Adam. It’s just that …,” Her voice trailed off.

“That you’ve never driven this way, right?” I asked, my tone softer this time.

“Right.” She shook her head and looked back out the front window, calmer now. “I’m sorry. I’m being ridiculous.”

“No, you’re not,” I said, sighing. “I should have thought about it.”

“Why should … Adam, what’s going on?”

The flashing blue and white lights just ahead had my attention, too. My hands gripped the steering wheel as I turned the corner. I flew past the ambulance and whipped into the drive. “Stay here,” I commanded, throwing the door open and slamming it behind me.

As I crossed the yard, my heart leapt in my chest and my stomach fell. It was happening again. I had been down this road twice before, and it was happening again. A police officer stood on the porch, talking to a paramedic. Rushed, authoritative voices that I didn’t recognize streamed out of the open front door.

“Sir, you can’t go in there,” the police officer said, grabbing my arm as I tried to pass.

“It’s my mom. She’s my mom.”

“They’re stabilizing her now,” he said, maintaining his grip. “I can’t let you go in right now. But they’ll bring her out in a minute, and you can ride to the hospital with her.”

“What happened?” I asked, my heart stuttering in my chest. It seemed impossible that I had to ask that question. Less than two hours ago, she had stood on this very porch and waved at me as I’d driven away.

“It appears to be an overdose, sir,” he stated.

I nodded mutely. I was all too familiar with this scenario. “Is she conscious?” I asked. The two times it had happened before she had been unconscious when I’d found her.

 “She wasn’t when we arrived. I can’t say what her condition is right now.” He nodded to the paramedic who was allowed to then pass into the house. The officer tightened his hold on me as the paramedic passed by me to get to the doorway, seeming to appreciate the fact that if he didn’t, I would be inside in a flash. “He’ll go check on her for you.”

I knew I needed to let them do their jobs. There was nothing I could do for her. However, the urge to run in and see it for myself was almost overwhelming.

“Adam,” a soft voice whispered behind me.

I spun on my heel. The abrupt move surprised the police officer, and he let go of my arm. I took the three steps in one leap and grabbed Allie by the arm. “I told you not to get out,” I said, dragging her back to the car.

“I know, but ….”

“But nothing, Allie. What happens when they bring her out here? What if she sees you? Do you want to make this worse than it already is?”

“No,” she said. Her voice wavered on the one-syllable word, dragging it out. “I just … I just want to be here for you.”

I opened the passenger side door and shoved her inside. I dug through her purse and pulled out her phone. “You can’t. You can’t be here for me right now. You’re the last person who can help me right now. I need you to leave before she sees you. Call your dad to come get you,” I said, shoving her phone at her.

“But Adam ….”

I cut her off again. “I mean it, Allie. I need you to get the fuck out of here. Now.”

“Can you at least tell me what’s happening?” she said, but I was already walking away.

Yeah. I would tell her what was happening when I figured it out myself. I made my way back to the porch where the paramedic had rejoined the police officer standing guard at the door.

“She’s still unconscious, but stable. They’re going to bring her out in just a second. We’ll know more after we do a tox screen, but there was a used syringe and a bottle of vodka beside her. They suspect it was heroine.”

I stood dumbstruck. Heroine. And a bottle of vodka?

Two hours.

I had left her two hours ago, and she’d told me she would be fine. She had told me not to worry. Her friend was coming over. I’d assumed that she was talking about Warren or her new boyfriend. Now I was reasonably sure that the ‘friend’ that she had called hadn’t been a friend at all. She’d been arranging a fix.

And this was all my fault. I had caused this. Why had I thought she could handle it? I should’ve known better. She’d only been clean for five years, and not all of them had been easy. Telling her about Allie had been the most selfish thing I had ever done. Why had I felt the need to be honest with her? To ease my guilty conscience? If she didn’t make it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

I turned toward the car to see if Allie was behaving and staying put. The car was dark, but she didn’t appear to be inside. I scanned the front yard and found no sign of her.

“Okay, back up,” the officer said. He put his arm out in front of me as if to hold me back. Two paramedics that I hadn’t seen before wheeled the gurney out onto the porch. The woman on it was almost unrecognizable. Though I had seen my mom like this before, it didn’t make it any easier to see her like this now. In fact, it was so much worse this time since I was the reason it was happening this time.

_________________________

The ride to the hospital was long and bumpy. The subsequent night, most of it spent in a hard waiting room chair, was unbearable.

Sometime around midnight I received a text from Allie.
Just want you to know that I love you. I’m sorry you have to go through this by yourself. Let me know if I can do anything.
I stared blurry-eyed at the screen of my phone and tried to think of how to respond. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt bad about pushing her away earlier, but no matter how much I wanted her here with me, she couldn’t be.

And I wasn’t alone. I had Warren. I’d called him as soon as we had arrived at the hospital. He’d been here in minutes and hadn’t left my side.

“Gentlemen.” I looked away from my phone and into the face of a man in a white coat. “I have an update on Ms. Hill,” he said matter-of-factly.

I stood so that he couldn’t look down on me any more than he already was. To him, I was just the son a drug addict … just another Friday night overdose case.

Warren stood beside me. “Give it to us, doc.”

“We’ve got her stabilized, and we’ve moved her to a regular room. She’s awake. She’s going to be fine, but she’s going to feel pretty bad for the next couple of days. I suggest having someone keep a pretty close eye on her. She’s not been responsive to any of our questions.”

“What do you mean, she’s not responsive?” I asked.

His dark eyes softened. “Have a seat,” he said, motioning toward the chairs we’d been in all night and taking a seat himself in the chair facing mine. He rubbed his scruffy white jaw thoughtfully before speaking again. “Physically, she’s going to be fine. In a few days … if she can stay clean … it will be like this never happened. But since she woke up, she’s not said more than two words to any of our team. I’ve called in a psych consult. He’ll talk to you more after he’s had a chance to examine her. But I think her emotional recovery is going to be harder than her physical one.”

I sank into the seat opposite him, and rubbed the heel of my palms on my gritty, tired eyes.

“Thanks, doc,” Warren responded for me. “When can we see her?”

“You can see her now. She’s in room 515, but I think one visitor at a time would probably be best. I can take you up there.” He stood and looked at me as if he expected me to follow.

“Go, Adam,” Warren said.

“No. You go,” I said, shaking my head. “I need a few minutes before I see her.”

Warren looked puzzled but stood. “Okay, if you’re sure ….”

“I’m sure,” I said. “There’s something I need to do first.”

I watched the two of them walk toward the elevators and then took my phone out of my pocket. The time on the screen told me that it was already after seven in the morning.

It had been almost 12 hours since I had seen Allie, and I’d only received the one text message from her. A part of me wanted to take the easy way out and just text her back, but that would be a real chicken shit move on my part.

I flipped over to my favorites list and touched her name. A picture of Rubber Cat filled the screen as the call was made.

“Adam?” she asked. Her voice was groggy as if I had woken her up, even though she’d answered on the second ring. The fact that she had probably slept with the phone in her hand didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

“Hey, babe,” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer you last night.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I didn’t expect you to. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.”

“I’ve been thinking about you, too. What time is your flight today?” I asked.

She paused as the meaning of my words hit her. “One o’clock, I think. I need to double check that, but I’m not leaving you, Adam. I’ll stay.”

“There’s no point, babe. I know you want to be here with me, but you really can’t. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to leave, and I need to stay here with her. There’s no point in you sitting at your parents, waiting to hear from me. It looks like I’m going to be pretty wrapped up in all this for the next few days.”

“Is she going to be okay?” she asked.

“Eventually.”

The silence from her end was deafening. Finally, she spoke. “Can I see you before I go?” There was a catch in her voice as if she was getting close to breaking down.

With Warren here, I could probably sneak away for a few minutes. “Let me see what I can do. If I can get someone to cover me, I’d like to drive you to the airport. Check on your flight time and text me back, okay? I need to return the car anyway. I don’t want to keep it since I don’t know how long I’ll be staying.”

“Okay,” Allie said weakly. “Adam?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah. Love you, too. I’ll see you in a while, okay?”

“Okay,” she said.

I ended the call and headed toward the elevators. The door to room 515 was cracked just a bit, and I could hear Warren’s muffled voice from inside. “This is a setback, but everyone has them,” he said. If she responded, I couldn’t hear her.

I pushed the door open slightly, and Warren looked up. He had pulled a chair next to her bed. Both of his big hands were wrapped around one of her tiny ones. He looked back at her. “Look who’s here, doll. Your boy’s here to take care of you. I’m going to step down the hall to get some coffee, but I won’t go far.” He nodded at her as if he was trying to respond for her and stood up. Then he let go of her hand, patting it gently before he stepped away from the bed. She remained silent.

“She’s going to be all right,” he said quietly, as he passed by me where I stood frozen just inside the doorway.

He pulled the door closed behind him, leaving me alone with my mom in the dark room. As I took Warren’s place beside the bed, the only sound was the beeping of a monitor.

For a long time, I didn’t speak. Instead, I took in the grim sight before me. The white sheet was pulled up to her chest. Heavy blankets covered her, but did little to stop the shudders that ripped through her body every few minutes. Her bloodshot eyes remained focused on the door even though she seemed to be aware of my presence. Her eyes were diverted, but I could see that they were bloodshot. And the skin around each one was red. Broken blood vessels snaked across her cheeks, and her cracked and swollen lips indicated that she’d had her stomach pumped or been intubated or both.