Finding Jordie: Things aren't always what they seem. (The Love Lies Bleeding Series Book 1) (7 page)

“Oh,” was all I could manage to mumble. “I’m sorry... I thought...” I sat forward in my seat and put my hand on his knee.
Whoa, there it is.
I was beginning to crave that feeling he gave me when I touched him. No matter how brief it was, it made me feel alive. “I’m just sorry, Nathan.” I couldn’t believe how much I wanted this man.

“Do you want to tell me about it, Jordie?” he asked with the most sincere tone. He put his hand on my chin, gently guiding me to look at him.

My stomach started performing flips again. How did he have this effect on me already? “Do you want me to tell you because you want to know, or because you feel sorry for me?” I whispered, remembering his expression before he left the night before.

His hand was still curled under my chin, keeping my face in place, but my eyes were fixated over his shoulder.

“I want to know. I...” He paused and grinned. “I want to know everything about you.”

I looked back at him and gave a small smile. “Nut job.” I laughed and so did he. “Ugh. I don’t even know where to begin.” I backed away from his gentle hold to grab my smokes.

“Try the beginning?” He smirked, and my insides turned to mush.

“All right.” I took a deep breath and held it for a second, knowing once I started talking I wouldn’t be allowed to stop. I hoped he was ready for this. “I met Jason when I was twenty at an Armed Forces Christmas toy drive in Times Square. I was volunteering with Rachel at the event.” I lit up a smoke. I pulled one leg up to my chest and rested my forearm on my knee. “He was stationed at Fort Dix for some Special Ops training. I remember him telling me I couldn’t tell anyone because it was ‘secret stuff’ and my reaction being, ‘Yeah sure’.” I snickered. “After that, though, we hit it off, dated for a few months, and married within the year. When his training was finished he got orders to go to Fort Bragg, North Carolina.”

I paused for a moment and shifted in my chair, starting to feel slightly uncomfortable reliving this. I took another drag off my smoke and exhaled slowly before I continued. “We only decided to get married so soon because that was the only way I could go with him. Aside from a deployment every few weeks for about ten days at a time, Jason worked on post. A year later, I got pregnant and soon after he received orders overseas and was deployed within the week.” I shrugged.

Sneaking a quick glance up, I met Nathan’s gaze and just as quickly I looked away.
Oh the eyes on this man will be the death of me, I swear it.
“He was sergeant of his platoon and had no idea where they were going, only that he would be on a plane in twenty-four hours. We spoke once a week by phone and wrote to each other. My OB scheduled a C-section the second week of January because of some issues I was having. He was granted two weeks home for Emma’s arrival. After she was born he went back to wherever it was.”

I flicked my ashes and made a small ‘wherever’ gesture. “I still had no idea where because he wasn’t allowed to say. We kept up with the routine of weekly phone calls and letters. But then right after Emma’s first birthday, the letters and phone calls stopped. I knew something was wrong. For three weeks I went out of my mind, driving everyone crazy. Making phone calls to higher ups on post. Nobody knew anything—or they wouldn’t tell me anything, is what I felt like. I
had
to know what was happening. By the end of week three they sent a therapist to my house to make sure I was still sane, I guess.” I chuckled. “You should have seen the look on that poor shrink’s face as my crazy parade marched through his town. He prescribed me some Xanax, and I never heard from him again.” I shook my head and grinned.

“More time passed and still no letters or calls from Jason. Then Rachel came down to North Carolina to spend a week with me at the end of February. Her second day there was when the Death Deliverer rolled up and the general broke the news to me. Jason’s platoon was ambushed and he was killed.” I could feel the tension of my mashed-together eyebrows and tightened lips spreading throughout my body. I stopped for a second to concentrate on relaxing.

Even if you are melting down like Chernobyl, how about we not make it so obvious, okay? He’s going to get the wrong idea. Thanks.

“The reason they had no word was because Jason was, in fact, Special Ops. He and his men were so off the grid. It took time for the news to be reported by one of his team members who’d managed to escape. I was given sixty days to move off post, so I came back north. I figured New York City was where I left off, so New York City was where I’d pick back up.”

I had made it through with no meltdown, and I could feel my muscles finally relax.
See, that wasn’t so bad. You are such a drama queen, Jordan. Honestly, he’s so easy to talk to.

“I’m sure he would be proud of you. Look at what a great life you’ve provided for yourself and Emma,” Nathan said after a long pause on my part.

“Yeah, I guess I did all right. I’ve been so closed off from the world, though. Reliving that makes me realize exactly how closed off I’ve been.” I trailed off. “I’ve made Emma and the bar my life. The Iron-Clad Bubble, Rachel calls it.” I gave a small laugh. “I’ve been an emotional mute for eight years, Nathan. It’s hard for me to process or come close to understanding...” I stopped.
Shut it, Jordie. Too much too soon.

“Understanding what?” he asked with that ‘you can’t stop mid-sentence’ look on his face.

“Understanding why, after all these years of my emotional coma and avoiding romantic relationships, why... Shit. How do I say this without sounding crazy?” I laughed while I struggled to gather my thoughts.

“Just say it. I already think you’re crazy.” The corners of his mouth twitched when he said it.

I was still struggling to find the words.

Fuck it.

“Why, after eight years of being closed off to any emotional connection to any man, did all that change when I met you two days ago? Almost a decade I’ve been building this wall, and you just strolled on over with those blue eyes of yours and that impossible-to-resist smile, and knocked it down.”

He was silent.

Oh no, he has no words. This isn’t good.
I could feel the blood rushing to my face and my eyes start to sting.
Damn it, Jordie, don’t
. I wiped my eyes quickly. “I’m sorry. I haven’t cried in years, and it seems like today my ‘quit that shit’ button broke.” I chuckled nervously and stood up. I walked over to the wall to gaze out at the cityscape. I heard the creak of the chair as Nathan got up and stood behind me. I knew he was close—my insides were in a frenzy. He leaned in just above my shoulder, and I could feel his breath on my ear.
Breathe, Jordie. Breathe.

“I’m glad you shared that with me, Jordie,” he said in a low, soft voice.

I just kept my eyes closed. I was so afraid that when I opened them none of this would be real. Every fiber of my being was at attention and longing to love this man.

“Everyone has issues. I have my own, believe me. I’m a lot like you in the emotional department. It’s very hard for me to trust people, because I never know what their true intentions are,” he confessed in an almost sad, monotone. He gently grasped my shoulders and guided me to face him. There we stood, face-to-face, green eyes to blue. “When you’re ready I’ll tell you all about it.” He leaned down to kiss me. His lips were soft and warm as they moved against mine. They tasted just as sweet as I had imagined, which only made me crave more. My head was reeling, a million thoughts crammed into my mind at once. I thought it was going to explode. Then, as quickly as it had filled up, my head cleared, leaving me only to be lost in the moment, lost in that kiss.

Nathan pulled back and put his forehead against mine. His eyes blazed and stared right into mine. “You are something.” His cheeks moved into a smile. You know, one of those ‘he turned my insides into mush’ smiles. The crazy smile, my smile. Then he hugged me and held me for what felt like forever but not nearly long enough. Yanking us out of the moment too soon, Emma’s alarm clock blared through the monitor.

“Shit!” I jumped back in a tizzy. “What time is it? Holy shit.” I scrambled. “You have to go! She can’t see someone here.”

“She gets up at five a.m.?” He gave me a confused look.

“She’s overly proficient. She has to be at school by seven-thirty and it takes her forever to get ready. Besides, she goes to bed at like eight-thirty. I’m telling you, she isn’t the average nine year old.” I chuckled.

“What about the door over there?” He pointed.

“No, it’s bolt locked. I don’t have my keys.”

He looked over to the fire escape.

“No, you can’t, it’s broken,” I said in a panic.

“Well that’s not safe or legal.” He scowled at me.

“Okay, Fire Marshal Bill, lecture me later. Right now I’m so sorry but you have got to hide!” My voice was a few octaves higher than normal.

“Well, can I at least hide inside, with some coffee?”

I laughed. “Yes, sure, of course. I’m sorry. I’m panicked. Just goes to show you how new this all is to me.” I shrugged and we headed down the fire escape.

“Mom?” Emma called up to me, all sorts of groggy.

“Be right down, honey.”

“I’m going to shower,” she muttered.

I turned to Nathan. “Oh good, she’s going to shower. You can get that coffee to go.”

“Kicking me out already?” He arched one eyebrow up.

What? Already? I just spent three hours pouring my guts out up there, and he wants to stay? The kissing was nice, though.

“Hello? Jordie?” He waved his hand in my face to get my attention.

I quickly snapped out of it. “Sorry, I was... Nevermind. Um, no that’s... fine... or um... okay.”

Shit! Fine? Okay?
Those were words describing a walk in the park—not the message I wanted to send out. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly with my eyes closed.

“Yes, I’d like if you’d stay,” I said shyly. “I’d like it a lot.” I opened my eyes and looked up, smiling at him, and that smile of his was already waiting for me. He walked over and put his arms around my waist and kissed me again.

Oh my Lord, I’m melting
. I pulled back this time, but he kept his arms around me, pinning our hips together so I had to arch my back to see his face.

“I need an hour to get her ready and off to school. That okay?” I broke away from his gentle hold.

“Sure.”

I turned to make my way downstairs and he smacked my behind playfully.

I CAME BACK IN
from walking Emma to the bus stop to find Nathan on the couch drinking coffee and watching TV. He shut it off when I sat next to him.

“Hey,” he said and set his cup on the coffee table.

“Hey, you. I don’t know about you, Nathan, but I’m exhausted. I need some sleep.”

“Okay, so sleep.” He patted the cushion next to him.

“Uhh no, I don’t do couch sleeping. It’s too light in here. I like it dark when I sleep.”

“You don’t sleep with a TV on?” He sounded shocked.

“I don’t watch TV period. I think the last time I watched television I was a teenager. I was always out when I was younger. After Emma was born Nickelodeon was the only thing allowed on. Now that she’s older, neither of us really watches it.” I shrugged. “Just not big on TV, movies, Internet. I like to read, but I haven’t had time for that in a while. I do skim the
New York Times
occasionally to stay somewhat connected to the world.” I laughed and got up to pour myself another cup of coffee.

“This is your plan of action to sleep?” he asked me as I walked back in holding my cup.

“No. This is my plan of action to spend some more time with you.” I sat back down next to him and took a sip.

We talked, and talked, then talked some more. We discussed the bar, Rachel, and Emma. We even discussed how our love lives over the last few—okay, over the last decade almost—had been non-existent. Which left us both with the hard realization that neither of us had had any kind of intimacy in years. Not emotional or physical. He was so easy to talk to, though, and even easier to look at. I’d never talked that long about myself like that before—to anybody aside from Rachel. Not even Jason. Ever. It always seemed as if his life was more important than mine because of his job. I mean honestly, how shallow could someone be to sit there and gab on and on about their past, their life, their hardships when the person in front of them was risking their life on a daily basis? So, needless to say, we didn’t have many heart to hearts. I didn’t want to talk to Jason the way I wanted to with Nathan.