Finding Home (25 page)

Nick rammed as close as he could without
hitting the rocks, then skidded to a stop. He flipped up his visor
and yelled over the growling engine, “Get on the bike!”

The tide was high, the sea crashing right
behind me. I’d slip and fall if I tried to run. And I was
exhausted. I could barely walk. I had no choice but to face him.
“No, Nick, I’m not going with you,” I sobbed, my whole body
shaking. “It’s over. I don’t ever want to see you again. So leave
me alone.
Please
.”

“You bloody bitch!” he shouted. “I’ll fucking
kill you!”

I remembered how he’d raped me. And with that
my fear turned to anger. How dare he threaten me? “Okay, so do it,”
I taunted, furious now. “Go on, throw me in. Drown me.” I stood up
so I’d be an easy target. “Drown the kid too,” I cried, “cause get
what? She’s not yours!”

Nick rammed his bike at me, shoving me back
towards the water. “You fucking liar!”

“Angus MacLaren’s the father,” I screamed,
“of Kiera’s baby, and mine too.”

Nick howled with rage.

“And you want to know why I really left
Middleford all those years ago?” Perched on the edge of the rocks,
I struggled for balance. The wind whipped at my words as I spit
them at him. “Because I was pregnant. With your baby. I had an
abortion. Understand? I’d never want to have your kid. Not then,
not now.”

My baby kicked inside me like she wanted to
get out and fight too. I cradled her again with my arms. “It’s
true, Nick,” I cried. “All of it. So why don’t you just get lost?
Why don’t you ride your stupid bike off a cliff or something?”

“Fucking bitch!” Nick swooped his arm down,
almost toppling his bike. He grabbed a rock and hurled it at my
head. As I ducked it bashed my shoulder and thudded away, splashing
into the water. Nick spun his bike around, revving up into a
wheelie. Then he zoomed away.

Drenched and shivering, I rested on the rocks
and watched him disappear back towards Malagash.

I forced myself up and trudged on. I
concentrated on putting one sodden foot ahead of the other, over
and over again. The rain continued to beat down on me. The fog
thickened.

It must have been about four o’clock when I
finally reached the village, but the gloom made it seem much later.
Here and there lights beamed bravely. My clothes were drenched, my
hair matted and salty. My palm stung where Nick had ripped away the
car keys, my shoulder throbbed where the rock had hit, and my legs
ached. I had to pee so badly I thought I might burst. I headed
straight to Loaves & Fishes, ordered hot soup and tea, and then
changed in the washroom.

Flo raised her eyebrows at me when she
brought my food. “Nasty day out there,” she said. “How’re ya
feeling?”

“Fine, actually, just fine. But I’m starving.
Can you get me a sandwich or something, and a piece of your orange
cake?”

After I ate I went and knocked on Angus
MacLaren’s door. No one answered. I’d forgotten it was Sunday.
Maybe they’d gone up to Halifax for the day or something. I banged
louder, on and on and on. The door finally opened.

“Good lord, what’s wrong?” Angus said when he
saw me standing there. He looked sort of rumpled and shaggy
himself. Kiera peeked out from behind him, her pretty mouth
gaping.

“I need the keys for the car,” I said.

“But I left you some at the house.” Kiera
stepped around Angus and pulled me inside. “Didn’t you find them?
And what’s going on, anyway? You look dreadful.”

I felt so totally drained I couldn’t explain.
I just stood there and burst into tears. Angus placed a reassuring
hand on my arm. “How about you come sit in my office and tell us
everything.” He led the way down the hall, through the waiting and
consulting rooms, into the inner office lined with his old books
and photos. The portrait of Kiera as a child smiled down at us.
Kiera herself stood beside my chair, gently rubbing my
shoulders.

“So?” Angus said in his doctor’s voice.
“You’re not having contractions are you?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not about the
baby, well, not exactly. It’s just that I’m leaving, and I need to
borrow Kiera’s car.”

“Where’s Nick?” Kiera asked. “We thought we
heard him blast through town on his bike.”

I made a disgusted face. “Out ramming around
like a madman. God, he’s totally lost it.” I filled them in on what
had happened.

“I’m so glad you got away from him,” Kiera
said, kneading my back. “But where will you go?”

I hadn’t really decided until that moment,
when the words just came spilling out. “Vermont,” I said.
“Burlington, Vermont.”

“Oh good!” Kiera cried, hugging me. “Go to
Jay, he loves you, you belong together.”

Angus raised his eyebrows. “That’s a long
drive.”

“Couple days. Less, if I don’t stop.”

“Why not stay the night here?” Kiera said.
“You look exhausted, and that fog’s pretty bad.”

“No.” The offer of a warm, safe bed was
tempting, but I needed to be on the road. A sense of purpose and
energy filled me.

Kiera perched on Angus’s desk. “Okay, we
won’t try to stop you. But you’ll stay over somewhere if you need
to?”

“Of course.” Like I had any money. “A credit
card would be helpful though, for gas and food and stuff.”

“Right.” Kiera looked to Angus, who fumbled
in his back pocket for his wallet. “Need anything else?”

“Yeah.” I waited until they both met my gaze.
“Yeah, actually, I do need something else. About fifty thousand
dollars.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, “Of
course we’ll honor your contract,” they both said, almost in
unison.

“But here’s the catch.” I stood and
stretched, feeling suddenly confident. Maybe I might reach my goal
after all. “You give me the money, but I keep my baby.”

More silence, punctuated by a little breathy
gasp from Kiera. “You guys helped get me into this mess,” I said,
“so you can help get me out of it. You owe me.” I patted my belly
and flashed my most winning smile. “It doesn’t have to be cash. You
could buy a certain lodge in Quebec, then hire me to develop a camp
there. Great investment.”

“I think we can do that,” Angus said,
glancing at Kiera.

She smoothed at her loose denim shirt,
imitating the belly patting move I’d just performed. Though she
wasn’t showing yet, she must have been eager to look pregnant. I’d
never seen her wear something not fitted. “Of course,” she
said.

“Terrific! We can discuss long term plans
later. Right now I just need the keys, and a drive to Malagash to
get the car.”

“If you’re not coming back here, better take
your medical file,” Angus said, digging it out of a cabinet drawer.
“And whatever you do, don’t forget to buy some out of country
medical insurance if you’re going to the States.”

“I’ll do that,” I said. “Now c’mon. Let’s
go.” I couldn’t wait to be on my way. I wanted to be with Jay right
now.

Malagash lay in total darkness when we
arrived. No sign of Nick or his Harley. Relieved, I didn’t waste
time wondering where he’d gone. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
Kiera asked for the hundredth time. “I don’t like you setting out
so late, and in bad weather.”

“I know,” I said. “But I’ve made up my mind
and I have to go. I wouldn’t sleep anyway, if I stayed. I’ll call
you, let you know how I am.”

And then I was on my own. I had to push the
seat of the Mercedes all the way back to squeeze my sphere of a
stomach behind the wheel. I followed Kiera and Angus as far as
Airdrie Bay. Then I floored it to the highway.

I drove straight across Nova Scotia in the
black, foggy night. Except for a few trucks, no other vehicles
traveled the road. Most people had the sense to stay home on such a
night. But I didn’t have a home.

Not yet.

So I just kept driving.

Finally I stopped for the night at a B&B.
Starting out next morning, I turned on the radio for a weather
report. What I heard was this:
Foul weather caused a series of
accidents on the South Shore yesterday, one of them fatal. A
motorcycle skidded out of control in heavy rain on a gravel road
near Airdrie Bay, just after 4 p.m. Dead is Nicholas Talbot,
thirty-five, of Toronto
.

I slammed on the brakes.

A tractor-trailer behind me blasted its horn
and barreled past so close the Mercedes shook.

I pulled over. The seat belt had jarred my
baby and a hard contraction came on. I was absolutely terrified I
might go into premature labor right there on the roadside. I tried
to breathe deeply to calm myself.

I couldn’t believe my ears. How could Nick be
dead? Maybe I’d heard the announcement wrong? Or simply imagined
it? sat there, numb, until the news was broadcast again.

And then there was no doubt. It was true.
Nick was dead.

Part of me wanted to turn back to Airdrie
Bay. But part of me wanted to beat it to Vermont. What, after all,
could I do for Nick now? I’d had no real place in his life. I’d
never met his family, such as he had, or his colleagues. I’d never
even been to his house. Apart from Kiera and Angus, nobody who knew
Nick knew me.

And he hadn’t really known me. He’d only
known his idea of me.

But I needed to call Kiera. She must have
been waiting by the phone, because she picked up right away. “I
just heard,” I told her, “on the car radio. But I can’t believe it.
Tell me it isn’t true? Tell me Nick’s not dead?”

“Oh Luce,” she said, her voice breaking, “I
am so, so sorry. I know you cared about him, and it’s such a shock,
but it is true. He’s gone.” We both started to cry then.

“What about his funeral?” I finally asked
between sobs. “Where will it be? Toronto? Or Middleford?”

Kiera sniffled and I could hear her blowing
her nose. “No funeral,” she said. “Nick felt strongly about stuff
like that, he left very specific instructions. Cremation, no
service of any kind. No fuss.” She wept again before adding, “I
didn’t love him anymore, and he hurt me a lot, but still, oh, it’s
just so awful, I feel terrible. And there’s not even anyone to
mourn him. His father died a few years ago, and who knows where his
mother or step-mother are? Not that they’d even care anyway.”

“Oh, oh, oh,” I blubbered, “that is so sad. I
feel like I should come back and be with you.”

“No, no,” Kiera said. “There’s nothing you
can do here. And I have Angus, and Phoebe, they’ll take care of me.
You go to Jay, let him look after you.”

“Yeah,” I said, “that’s what I want to do.
But what if Jay thinks it was all my fault? I mean, I feel like it
was. Nick was out on his bike, driving recklessly, because of me.
So in a way, I helped killed him.”

“Of course Jay won’t think that! He’ll be
thrilled to see you, he wouldn’t want you to have stayed with
Nick.”

“But Kiera, what if Nick crashed on purpose?
I told him he wasn’t the father of my baby. I told him I’d been
pregnant before, with his child, and aborted it. And I told him to
go ride his bike off a cliff.”

Kiera was quiet for a minute. Then she sort
of whispered, “Ohmigod.”

“I wanted to hurt him,” I said. “I didn’t
have to tell him all that stuff, but I couldn’t stop myself. And
now he’s dead!”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Kiera said, her
voice raw with anguish. “Nick knew what the road conditions were.
He knew it was risky driving. But he went after you on his bike.
That was
his choice
. He had a tragic accident, but we don’t
know he killed himself. And either way, it’s not your fault.”

“Thanks,” I said, sniffling. “But it’s going
to take a long, long time to stop feeling responsible.”

“Take as long as you need,” Kiera said. “Just
make sure you do stop. Don’t waste the rest of your life feeling
guilty. Go to Jay.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll keep driving. But
Kiera, I was just wondering. Maybe it’s not the right time to ask,
but it just occurred to me, what about Malagash? I mean, you said
once that if Nick died, you’d get your house back?”

There was a sound like a sob of joy in my
ear. “Yes!” Kiera cried. “I know I shouldn’t be so happy about
that, but I am. I can’t deny I’m glad Nick’s dead for that reason.
I know it’s wrong, but that’s how I feel. Malagash is mine!”

I drove on then. I didn’t stop again until
the border, where I bought US cash and my out of country medical
insurance.

Somewhere in inland Maine the reality of
Nick’s death began to sink in. I cried so much I could hardly see
to drive. I felt so sorry for him, the man who had everything money
could buy, everything but a baby. And who believed a baby would
give him the unconditional love he longed for.

I couldn’t blame him for wanting a child.
Human beings are programmed to procreate. It’s a basic, natural
drive.

But Nick had no inner strength. He’d never
been loved, never learned self-esteem, never developed a solid
core. No wonder he was tormented by jealousy. And when he thought
he’d lost everything – his baby, his money, me – was his only
solution self-destruction?

I’d never know for sure. I’d just have to
live with the questions. ’d have to accept what happened, just as
I’d learned to accept that the lives of my clients at the
Children’s Agency were beyond my control. Life deals the cards and
we all play our hands the best we can. But still, I wished Nick
wasn’t dead.

Eventually I stopped for dinner, feeling
guilty I wasn’t sufficiently grief-stricken to lose my appetite. I
must have been in shock, to just keep going like that. How
heartless I was. But I also couldn’t forget how Nick had treated
me, how scared of him I’d been.

Mostly though I had to think of my baby, who
still needed nourishment. I had to eat. hen I had to forget Nick
and get on with my life.