Finding Home (14 page)

“I’m not talking about the goddamn ball!” I
shook her wrists in exasperation. Her bones felt like those of a
small bird, so fragile I could snap them.

“And I’ve cut my finger,” she whimpered. She
gazed down at her hands as if she’d never seen them before, the way
babies do.

“Oh for god’s sake! I’ll go get changed and
bring you a Band-Aid and then we’ll talk.”

When I came back Kiera meekly held out her
hand for care. Her nails, those always perfectly manicured
shell-pink ovals, were like buds on some hot-house flower. The
Band-Aid applied, I pushed her to a wing chair by the fire.

A crystal decanter of sherry sat on the
mantle. I poured her some. “Here. Drink this.” I stood with my back
to the fire, glaring at her. “I suppose it’s really none of my
business, but I
am
curious. Why on earth would you want me
to have Nick’s child for you if you’re so in love with Angus? And I
did see you together, before I came in, so don’t try to deny
it.”

Kiera sat sobbing, clutching the glass of
sherry with trembling hands. I waited. The mantle clock ticked. She
drank the sherry and I poured her some more. Then finally she
spoke.

“I’ve been in love with Angus MacLaren all my
life,” Kiera said, “though I didn’t always know it. Do you remember
when I told you about my childhood?”

“Yes.”

“I was dying to tell you everything then. It
would have been such a relief.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No. I was afraid you wouldn’t
understand.”

“Try me.”

She got up and wandered over to the Christmas
tree, stroking the soft green boughs idly, the way a parent might
caress the hair of an adored child. “I’ve told you how I was
raised, to be a perfect princess in an elite, wealthy world. By the
time I was a teenager I’d begun to hate all that. I wanted to be an
actor, but my father forbid it. He planned to marry me off to the
son of one of his business associates. He expected me to be happy
with a life like my mother’s.”

She paused and made eye contact. I had the
feeling she’d rehearsed this monologue well. “The summer after I
finished college I had the chance to work with a theater group in
upstate New York. I’d never spent a summer away from Malagash, and
I fought with my father over it, and then finally I just went. He
cut off my allowance, but I didn’t care. There was such righteous
pleasure in living on nothing. Being poor was high status to
me.

“That was the summer I met Nick. He was
traveling around the States before starting law school. When he
went back to Canada, I went with him.” She left the tree and poured
herself some more sherry before sitting back down. “My father was
furious. He knew Nick only wanted my money. But I wouldn’t listen.
I married him anyway. And as our wedding present, my father put
everything in Nick’s name.”

“What?” I said. “Why?”

“To punish me,” Kiera said. “To make me live
with what I’d chosen. If I divorce Nick, I lose this house and all
my inheritance.” She looked away from me then. “My only hope is
that Nick dies young. If he predeceases, I get everything
back.”

“But can’t you sue him?” I cried.

“Lucienne,” Kiera said. “I have no money of
my own. Nick controls my trust fund.”

I gasped. “But that’s so unfair!”

Kiera made a swooping gesture with her hands.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she said. “Life isn’t fair, you
of all people must have heard about that. And some would say what’s
not fair is my having inherited money at all.”

“Yeah,” I said, “yeah, but I’m still confused
here, Kiera. I mean, with the baby and everything. What exactly is
the status of your relationship with Nick?”

“I want out,” she said. “Oh, we had some good
years, back when Nick was in law school. I had some work in
theaters around Toronto, even a couple of major parts. But by the
time Nick was called to the bar, he’d had enough of being a poor
student. He started earning big bucks and acquiring things. An
overwhelming desire for possessions possessed him. We bought a
house, spent thousands on renovations. Then he wanted children, but
I didn’t get pregnant.”

Kiera looked so sad I forgot I was furious
with her. “That must have been very hard for you,” I said.

But she shook her head hard. “Oh please, I
don’t deserve your sympathy.” Then she started to cry. “I have to
tell you something,” she said, sniffling. “I wasn’t entirely honest
with you. It wasn’t a doctor who told me to give up the theater. It
was Nick. He was obsessed, as if he could make me pregnant by
monitoring my every move. He’s a very jealous man, he even tried to
make me stop seeing my theater friends. He’d phone every few hours
during the day, to check up on me, make sure I was home.”

I was shocked but I didn’t respond. I knew it
was important to stay quiet so she’d keep talking.

“Oh, how I hated myself,” she said. “I was
becoming what I’d tried so hard to avoid, a woman living her life
for her husband. We entertained the right people with the right
food and wine, attended the right parties, took the right
vacations. It was incredible to me, but somehow, somewhere along
the way, Nick had become just like my father. And I’d become just
like my mother. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t get up the
courage. He’d totally destroyed my self-esteem.”

“So how’d you end up here?”

“One day last spring
Toronto Times
called, you know that really snobby magazine? They wanted to write
us up for an article on Toronto’s trendsetters. I was disgusted.
But of course Nick loved the idea, and was furious when I refused
to be interviewed or photographed. When he tried to force me, I
finally left.”

“Do you mean he used physical force?” Now it
was my turn to get up and pretend an interest in the Christmas
tree. “Was he violent?”

Kiera didn’t answer.

I returned to my chair and waited.

Finally she said, “For years Nick abused me
verbally and emotionally. He was violent in a psychological way.
But I got out before he actually hurt me physically.” She took a
few deep breaths, then added, “It’s ironic, but my father died a
few years ago, just a bit too soon to see Nick become his
clone.”

“Oh,” I said. “I see. And your mother?”

“She retreated to Europe and remarried. She
has her own money, and I barely communicate with her. We never
really had a relationship. As you know, Phoebe’s been like a mother
to me.”

“Speaking of Phoebe,” I said. “Does she know
about this thing with you and Angus?”

Kiera sighed. “Yes, she knows. How could she
not? But we’ve really tried to keep it quiet, so as not to
embarrass her. She’s pretty old-fashioned, and she does live in
town.”

“Does Nick know?”

“Possibly,” Kiera said. “But does he care,
that’s the real question.”

She didn’t elaborate, so I dug for more. “How
long has it been going on?”

“Just since last March, when I came to live
here,” Kiera said. Talking about Angus again, her voice brightened.
“I met him on the street one day when I was wandering around alone.
We had lunch together in Loaves & Fishes, and all my childhood
feelings for him just bubbled up and overwhelmed me. He’d never
married,” here she actually gave a little giggle, “and he swore it
was because he’d always been in love with me.”

“But Kiera, I still don’t understand about
this baby thing. Why didn’t you just divorce Nick and live happily
ever after with Angus? He’s a doctor, he must have some money.”

“Oh, Lucienne.” Kiera squirmed in the ivory
velvet chair and brushed at her eyes. “It’s all so complicated now.
Of course we planned on that, but then Nick came up with this
surrogate idea and you arrived and we suddenly saw a possibility
for us.” She rose and crossed to where I sat. Taking my hands in
hers she begged, “You must forgive me. I didn’t know you, and I
didn’t ever expect to get to know you, and I, well, Angus and I
wanted a child very badly also. We thought we’d go along with it,
and then after the baby was born, I’d divorce Nick and we’d keep
the baby.”

“Oh my god!”

“I know,” she said, letting go of my hands.
“Shocking isn’t it? So many times these last few weeks I’ve been
appalled at being so devious. And how I’ve wished we’d told you
everything that very first day. I wanted to. But you were Nick’s
friend, not mine, and I was so afraid if you knew the truth you’d
just walk out on us.

“Which is what I should do right now.”

“Oh but please, you have to understand how
desperate we felt. It’s not as if it was premeditated or anything,
it just sort of came to us.”

I thought for a minute. The whole thing still
didn’t make sense. “But how would you get custody of the baby?
Don’t you think Nick would put up a fight?”

“Absolutely. I know this will sound silly and
naive, but we thought we’d worry about that when the time came.
Nick can be pretty aggressive, we knew we’d have to be careful how
we managed things, we wanted to be sure we did it right. But Angus
and I are prepared to do anything necessary.”

“That’s bizarre! It sounds like a bloody soap
opera Kiera!”

“I am so, so sorry.” She smoothed her hair,
flicked non-existent lint off her black sweater. “I guess it’s all
a bit of a mess.”

“Understatement of the century!”

Certain things came back to me then, like the
way Kiera had acted when Angus was at Malagash for Thanksgiving
dinner. Like the way she’d rushed me to his office to confirm the
pregnancy. Like the way they’d embraced, as if by accident,
afterwards. Yes, I realized, it had been obvious. But I’d been so
busy with my own concerns I’d just never bothered putting two and
two together.

“I know I took a chance, calling Angus to
come over this morning,” Kiera said, “but you’ve no idea how
difficult it’s been for us to get together since you’ve been here.”
She went once more to the Christmas tree and began rearranging the
lights. “Look, you won’t mention our plan to Nick will you? I mean
it doesn’t really change anything for you. You’ll still get paid
and the baby will still go to loving parents who want it more than
anything.”

I didn’t know how to answer her. For the
first time I felt like protecting my baby beyond its birth. What
would happen if everyone fought over it? How could I just give it
up to such a crazy world? “I refuse to be involved in a court
case,” I said. “I used to have to give testimony as a caseworker,
against parents, when their kids were taken into care. I absolutely
hated it, and I simply won’t go to court over a child ever
again.”

Kiera fussed with the lights until they were
perfect. “You won’t need to. I’m sure Nick will come around. If he
knew about our plans now, he’d be fighting with all he’s got, but
if we just wait until the baby’s born, he’ll give up gladly.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because he doesn’t really want a child. He’s
stuck on the idea of unconditional love, because he never had it,
and he thinks a baby will change that. But really he’s just
frustrated because other people have kids and he can’t go out and
buy one. He’d never be able to deal with the reality of a baby. He
hasn’t a clue what raising a child involves. If he had even an hour
with a baby on his own he’d be screaming for someone to take it
away.”

“Maybe,” I said. “But maybe not. Maybe,
because of his childhood, because his mother ran away when he was
just little and his father was so horrible, maybe Nick will make a
great father. Negative role models can be as motivating as good
ones, you know.” I studied the pattern on the carpet at my feet,
intricate tracings of emerald and black and gold on a ruby
background. “But I still don’t understand why Nick pretended things
were okay between you, why he didn’t just tell me the truth.”

“You’d have to ask him that,” Kiera said.
“But my guess is it’s you he wants, as much as the baby, so he
didn’t want to scare you away, he tried to make everything look
fine.”

“Really?” I needed time to think about that.
“Look, I’m exhausted,” I said. “I’m going to rest for awhile.” As I
stomped up the stairs the festive cedar boughs and red bows seemed
to mock me, like a deliberate cover-up for Kiera’s deceit. What
kind of insane scheme had I gotten myself into?

I wanted to call Nick right away and tell him
everything, but I hadn’t the energy. I lay down on my bed and
watched the snow through my window. It dropped in great silent
globs with a calming, almost hypnotic effect. My arms and legs felt
leaden, and I grew so drowsy I could hardly keep my eyes open. I
knew if I told Nick it would declare me on his side, and I didn’t
want that. At least not yet. I didn’t want to be on any side at
all.

I just wanted my money.

But as I lay there I couldn’t help thinking
about what else Kiera’s revelation meant. I’d been repressing my
feelings for Nick because of her. But it was clear now that she
didn’t care. She’d even hinted he was interested in me. From her
point of view, if I wanted Nick, I could have him.

But did I want him?

For a few mad moments I pictured myself as
his wife, living the good life as matron of his superb Toronto
home, giving clever catered dinner parties and wearing a stunning
new designer wardrobe. There’d be a carefully chosen and perfect
nanny, and the baby’s name would be on the waiting lists for the
best schools, music teachers and summer camps.

Summer camps?

What was I thinking? My plans for the lodge
and my own camp would go right down the drain. Hadn’t Kiera just
related a very upsetting story of Nick forcing her to give up the
theater? Why would I imagine he’d treat my plans and dreams any
differently? And what exactly were his motives anyway?

I knew that the really smart thing to do
would be to walk out immediately, just as I’d threatened to Kiera.
This baby business was turning into something I hadn’t bargained
for. And who knew what other nasty little surprises were in store?
I should just forget the money and get out of there.