Finding Harmony (7 page)

Chapter Six

(Trey’s Point of View)

Harmony.

I love her. There was never any doubt in my mind about how much I loved her. But sometimes love just isn’t enough. One only had to look at her to see how destroyed she was. I knew she’d had a rough time and I also knew that was partly my fault for not being there when she needed me. It made me feel like a fool. She had a real reason to justify her fall from grace, it made my antics look like child’s play.

I hated myself for getting involved in her life again. The moment she moved in, Freddy and I should have moved out. She has an image of me in her head, the image of how I used to be and the fact is I’m not the same guy any more. I can’t be her super-hero; I can’t be the man she needs me to be, I can’t save her this time.

All I want is a simple, uncomplicated life. Harmony is far too complicated for me to handle right now. She’d been living in a very dark place, but unlike me, Harmony was actually on the road to recovery. The world I live in is far too corrupt for her to get involved in. That’s why, as much as I hate to admit it, she’s better off with Leo. She should go back to him, marry him; I bet they’d be happy together. It doesn’t take a genius to work out how crazy that guy is about her, despite his little violent outburst earlier.

I was lying when I promised her everything would be worth it. It wouldn’t. If she got involved in my life, she would inevitably end up broken beyond repair. I don’t want to be responsible for that.

She’s a good person. I’m not, I’ve stopped trying to be, I’ve accepted what I’ve become. I can’t drag her down with me. I won’t do it to her. I love her too much. I wish I could make her understand that we can’t be together, that we can’t be a part of each other’s lives but I know her too well, she’d never accept it, that’s why I’m not even going to waste my time trying to explain why we can’t be together. It’s probably better that she doesn’t know, anyway.

Then, there’s Miranda to think about. I can’t leave Miranda; she’s already suspicious of Harmony and me. I can’t risk pissing Miranda off and having her let rip on Harmony. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to Harmony because of me.

Miranda doesn’t have a patch on Harmony. Harmony is so beautiful she is unnatural; her beauty is an abnormality, a deformity, for none of her features exhibit any of those touching imperfections that reconcile us to the imperfection of the human condition. Her beauty is a symptom of her disorder, of her loneliness. Her skin is so soft you’d think she’d never been touched, her temptingly kissable crimson lips fall into the perfect pout and her eyes… those huge dark eyes nearly broke my heart with their waiflike, lost look. Harmony was otherworldly, far too rare and precious to belong on this earth.

Miranda, on the other hand, is in complete contrast to my rare flower. She isn’t ugly but there is nothing spellbindingly spectacular about her either. She’s a manager at the strip club I go to regularly. I’m sure she was a nice person once, but not anymore. No, everyone at that club has lost their souls; we have no morals, nothing to live for. She’s uncomplicated, just the way I like them. Other than sexual favors in return for drugs, she doesn’t expect anything from me. She’s a lover I don’t have to love.

I took Harmony back to her apartment and left her there. There was something so alluring about her; I could feel myself being drawn to her by some magnetic pull. And yet she was so quiet, so reserved, so mysterious, completely engrossed in her thoughts. She was probably wishing she’d run after Leo, and with the benefit of hindsight, I wish she had too. She didn’t even look at me or notice me as I left. There was something wrong with her, something deep down in her core, but Freddy was going to have to deal with that, I couldn’t get involved.

I knew what Freddy was going to say, I could practically hear his voice inside my head as I entered our apartment.

“Well, is she alright, you didn’t stay with her very long?”

“I can’t do it, Freddy. I’ve changed my mind, I can’t get involved, I can’t ruin her life all over again.”

I could feel Freddy’s disappointment wash over me as I brushed past him to collapse on the sofa. I hate disappointing my brother but I had to stand by my decision this time.

“I can’t believe you, Trey, I didn’t think you were that cruel!”

“Huh?”

“You gave her false hope. You let her think that everything was going to be ok and what happened? She chooses you over her fiancé only for you to then decide that you’ve changed your mind and actually, oh you don’t want to be with her. You’re sick!”

“Look, I know what I’m doing, Freddy, don’t aggravate me!”

“Do you though? Because to me, what you’ve just done is fed Harmony to the wolves. All because of your stupid games she’s ended up lonely and by herself at Christmas, and the worst part is she probably still thinks you and her have a chance. You’re stringing her along and hurting her more all because you’re too much of a coward to leave Miranda-.”

“I could leave Miranda if I wanted, there’s plenty other girls out there just like her-.”

“That’s the problem, you could leave Miranda but you can’t leave this lifestyle you’ve gotten yourself into. As long as there are stupid whores like Miranda feeding your addiction, you’ll never really leave… You’re pathetic, what you’ve gone through is nothing in comparison to what Harmony has, you want to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip!”

“Well I tell you what, Freddy, if you’re that concerned about her, why don’t you go over there right now and comfort her, we all know you’d love to sleep with her!”

“You know what I will go over there, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way she has by you. Merry Christmas, Trey!”

The door slams and he’s gone. Freddy’s pain cuts me deeper than my own but I’d never win with him when it came to Harmony, he’d always had a soft spot for her. She had that effect on nearly every man around her.

I slump back into the sofa and close my eyes. Everything was so messed up and it was my entire fault, I’d ruined everything for myself and for Freddy. When Harmony left, before I even had time to think, I became bitter and twisted about the whole break-up. She’s not accountable for the current mess I’m in, that’s all down to my own selfishness. I gave up on the band, on music, on everything I believed in. It was almost as if because I’d lost her, because I lost my happiness, then I didn’t care about anyone else’s, if I couldn’t be happy, then neither could anyone around me. I wasn’t even surprised when George and James decided to leave the band; the grass was greener on the other side for them. They still call Freddy every now and then but they won’t so much as look at me. I deserve it for the way I treated them.

A loud rasping sends vibrations down the door and across the walls. I glance at the clock on the wall; bang on time.

“Come in.”

The door swings open so quickly I’m surprised it doesn’t fly off the hinges. Miranda comes whirling into the apartment like a tornado and throws herself on to the sofa next to me. She’s grabbing at my clothes and withering on about something but she speaks too fast for me to understand a word she says.

She pulls a small pouch of white powder out of her bag and starts cutting it up into lines on the coffee table. Drugs may be the road to nowhere but at least it’s the scenic route… She finishes cutting the crisp white lines of coke then sniffs one up and falls back against the sofa.

I wonder what Harmony would say if she could see me now, would she still love me? Because I know that there’s nothing Harmony could do that would stop me from loving her…

I bend down to the coffee table and press a firm finger against my nostril as I sniff every last ounce of the lineup, my consciousness and all thoughts of Harmony fading away into the darkness as I let the drugs take control.

Chapter Seven

              “Do you want me to stay? I honestly don’t mind, Harmony, I’ll stay the night if you want me to?”

Freddy was so selfless. Despite his ‘bad-boy’ reputation he had a heart of gold and would bend over backwards to help out his friends and family. I sometimes wondered if cupid had missed when he shot my arrow at Trey, maybe he meant for it to hit Freddy, because right now he was the one caring for me more than that pathetic mess along the hall.

“No, its Christmas Eve, you should be with Trey. I wouldn’t be very good company anyway, I’ll probably just take a bath and go to bed…”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, I’ll be just fine, but thanks for the offer”.

I was putting on a brave face. I wouldn’t be fine. For me, Christmas was bad at the best of times, but spending it in a new city without your family and loved ones was enough to make me cry like a baby.

Freddy comes over and wraps his arms around me tightly. It was strange, but right now, Freddy was the closest thing to family I had.

“Well I’m right down the hall if you need me, and I mean it, if you can’t sleep, need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you”.

“Aww, like the perfect big brother”.

He stands there smugly and I just roll my eyes and laugh as he heads out the door.

The door closes gently behind him.

Silence.

This was the first time I’d spent the holidays by myself and it felt pretty damn awful. I tried calling Leo but his phone must be switched off as it kept going straight to voicemail. He must really hate me; I didn’t even try to run after him or anything. He’s probably thinking what an ungrateful little bitch I am…

I potter around the apartment, cleaning up rooms that didn’t even need to be cleaned. This was a sure sign I was bored out my nut. I didn’t know if it was stress or anxiety or what but I just couldn’t sit still. I rummage around in my bag for a cigarette but I’m all out. Smoking was a filthy habit which I would’ve nipped in the butt years ago, only I loved the taste of a good cig too much every now and then.

I take a look out the window. The weather outside looks unforgiving but I need a smoke, I was just going to have to brave the cold and make the short walk from my apartment to the nearest store. I pull on my boots, slip on my coat, grab my bag and head out.

Despite the freezing cold wind nipping at every patch of open skin, everyone on the streets was full of joy and laughter; people doing last minute shopping and others trying to make their way home.

I tread carefully across the slush covered road where the convenience store awaits on the other side. It’s late evening and darkness has clouded over the sky. It looks like it might snow again.

A small bell on the door rings as I enter the store. A little old man behind the counter looks at me in complete surprise. I take it he wasn’t expecting any customers tonight. He has the heating in the store cranked up which comes as a welcomed relief as the flurries of hot air melt the cold from my skin.