Finding Forever (21 page)

I knew I needed to let it go, but that was easier said than done. It wasn’t fair to Maya that I was holding out hope that Tori was going to suddenly change her mind, and hell… it wasn’t fair to
me
either. I pulled my cell out of my pocket, and considered calling her, even though I knew she wouldn’t answer. It wouldn’t have surprised me to know she had gone so far as to block my number, but I wasn’t trying to find out if
that
was true, so I didn’t dial. Now that we were no longer her clients, I didn’t have to worry about seeing her unless she was around Des. I’d gone without meeting her while she was friends with my sister for five years, so there was no reason I couldn’t continue to avoid her now. It was time to start getting over Tori, so I could be all in with Maya.

— Tori —

“No, not
again
! Come on, baby, please turn on for mama.” I tried, for what had to be the 30th time, to get my car to start, with no luck. It had done this to me a couple of times in the last month, but I was always able to get it on. Unfortunately for me, today wasn’t one of those days. I couldn’t get it do more than a few sputters, like it was gasping for air, and now I couldn’t even get it to do that, because I’d killed the battery trying to get it to start.

“Great!
Just. Freaking. Great.
Ugh!”

Frustrated, I scrubbed my hands over my face and pushed my hair back, so I could stare out at the pouring rain battering my windshield. I could call Mel, but she was in Houston with friends for the weekend, and my parents were afraid of driving in the rain.

Shit.

This was one of the problems with your friends and their helpful husbands being long distance. I couldn’t call any of them for help. For about a microsecond, I considered calling Avery, but that was out of the question. He and I weren’t friends, at least not anymore. If the contempt he wore in his eyes during our weekly meetings for
Matched
was an indication of how he felt about me, he would probably laugh my ear off through the phone before he hung up to play kissy-face with his new girlfriend.

That was the goal, Tori
.

Even though I knew that, an irrational part of me was still hurt that he moved on so easily, while I was barely holding it together from day to day. But that wasn’t his fault. It was mine.

So no, I definitely wasn’t about to call Avery, but the thought of him did give me an idea. I pulled out my phone to look up the number, and within a few seconds, I was connected.

A cheerful woman’s voice answered the phone. “Thanks for calling Ignition, how can we be of service?”

Clearing my throat, I tried to sound as matter of fact as I could. “I’m calling to speak with Nick, if he’s available.”

“Sure, darlin’. Hold on.”

A few seconds later, I recognized Nick’s deep, booming voice and southern drawl as he came on the line. “This is Nick, what can I do for you?”

I took a deep breath. “Um… Hi, Nick. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but this is Tori Kennedy… Avery’s friend?”

“Of course I remember you, I never forget a pretty face,” he flirted. “Avery might be a little jealous about you calling me.”

I gave him a dry laugh. “I doubt that, but… um, I was calling because I’m having a little car trouble, and I need some help.”

“I’m sure we can handle that. Bring it on in!”

“Yeah… about that. I’m stranded with it… you guys have towing services, right?”

He chuckled. “You’re talking to the right man for the job, sweetheart. Where are you?”

I told him where I was and gave him the make and model of my car, then hung up to wait. I hoped it was another simple issue, with another quick fix. The hassle of purchasing another car was another added stress I didn’t need, not with the way my life was going. I hadn’t been sleeping well. I was swamped with everything I was doing for my clients, including Avery and Maya. And perhaps the biggest thing, I had been contacted again by one of the big online-dating companies. They were interested in purchasing my proprietary system to incorporate into their own, and to be honest… I was thinking about doing it. They had been pursuing me for several years, and each time they contacted me, the number they were willing to pay got bigger, but that wasn’t my biggest reason for considering it.

It was draining the life out of me to have to go to work everyday and help other people find and develop what I didn’t have. Every time I went home to that big empty house — Mel was usually out doing twenty-something things— I felt a little more emotionally depleted, and I was starting to wonder if it was time to move on. If I did, perhaps it would be easier to manage the overwhelming loneliness that came with the reality that I wasn’t cut out for love.

A knock on the window pulled me out of my thoughts, and I glanced out to see that Nick had pulled up. I waited in the passenger seat of the tow truck while he hitched my car in the pouring rain. I wanted to hold an umbrella for him or something, but he insisted he was fine in his poncho and boots.

“Okay, you ready to head out?” He asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat, splashing water all over the front cab.

“Um, yeah. Thanks again for coming to help me out,” I said, wiping the raindrops from my face.

He shrugged as he started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot. “It’s no big. Any friend of Avery’s is a friend of mine.” I didn’t bother to correct his ‘friend’ assumption, because it was the impression I’d given when I called.

When we arrived at the shop, Nick pulled my car into the bay, and shortly after, he was able to give me a diagnosis of faulty distributor caps, corroded wiring, and a list of other things I was clueless about. He sent me to wait in the office while they worked on it. When I walked in, it smelled like Avery, and I felt… comforted by that for some reason. I settled into the couch, letting my thoughts drift freely to him and twenty minutes later, I was asleep.

“Hey… wake up.”

Still feeling sluggish, I opened my eyes to see Avery kneeling in front of me, an unreadable expression in his eyes. I squinted through my hair, trying to figure out if this was still part of the dream I’d been having about him, but then I felt the warmth of his hand as he brushed my curls out of my face. Definitely not a dream.

Sitting up, I moved away from his touch. “I am
so
sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here, I was extremely tired, and I—”

“Tori, stop.” He stood up to his full height, still without his usual smile. “It’s not a big deal.”

I shook my head. “Still. Do you have somewhere else I can wait, so I can get out of your way?”

I was rambling, because I was nervous as hell. I had carefully avoided being alone with Avery, and now here he was.

“There’s a waiting area for customers.”

“Oh,” I nodded, a little confused. “Nick sent me back here, I wasn’t trying to run into you, or intru—”

“I know. Nick called to tell me you were here.”

So it was a damned setup.

I stood then, hurrying toward the door. “I see. Well, I guess I’m gonna go out to the wai—”

“We got the flowers.”

I froze, with my hand on the doorknob. “Good. I’m glad you liked them.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Turning my head a little, I chanced a glance through the corner of my eye. Still not smiling. He was serious. “Oh.”

“That’s all you have to say?
Oh
?” He approached me, slowly, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.

“What else do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me.”

I shrugged, still facing the door. “You know why, Avery. It makes it easier.”

“Makes what easier? And for who?”

He grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand away from the handle as he turned me around, but I kept my eyes averted away. “For both of us, to get past whatever was brewing between us. And for you to explore what you have with Maya.”

“I would drop Maya in a heartbeat to explore what I could have with you.” My breath caught in my throat. Those words cultivated my withered little heart, but at the same time, they cut like a razor, because I
knew
… it would never happen. We could plant that seed, and it would probably grow, but it would never get past the budding stage before it wilted and shriveled away.

I took a deep breath, and looked up, allowing my eyes to meet his as I brought my hand up to his face. “Avery… I need you to know I’m not rejecting
you
. It has nothing to with
you
. This is about me. What you want and need, and what I have the ability to give are two completely different things.”

“Care to explain?”

Hell no.

But how could I live with myself if I didn’t give him any closure?

With a heavy sigh, I leaned against the door as I began to speak. “You remember that night in Chicago, when Des said I “gave my best to the worst, and worst to the best”? I got mad at her for saying it… but it’s completely true. I’m only 30, but I’ve been dating for
fourteen
years, and my God, the number of terrible relationships I’ve had in that short time has to be record-breaking. I’ve been lied to, lied on, hit, cheated on, stalked, verbally abused, emotionally abused… you name it. And truthfully, I’ve done some of those things to other people too. I have a nightmare dating story for
every
category you could think of, and I’m tired, Avery. I can’t do the broken-hearted thing anymore.”

“So
do something else!
” he exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air.

I shook my head, blinking back tears. “You think I haven’t tried? That’s how I ended up married to a man that was
never
faithful to me. I was taking my last chance, and I was all in with him. I gave him all of me, and he made a fool of me. You want the unjaded, happy,
free
Tori and unfortunately, she’s unavailable. She’ll
never
be available like that again, not for love… Not even for you, Avery, and I’m sorry.”

He was silent for a moment, processing my words before he let out a low whistle, and then said, “
Wow.
”

“Yeah. I know.” I gave a dry, humorless laugh before I started to turn back to the door. “I’m gonna go wait on my car.”

“Your car is ready.” He held up my keys, but kept them out of my reach, using his free hand to grab mine. “I wish I could have been your last chance.” He turned my hand over, placing my keys inside before he let me go.

I smiled through my tears as my fingers closed over the jumble of metal. “So do I.”

— 9—

— Tori —

“Ouch! What the— Mel, could you
stop
!”

The first thing I felt when I woke up was the solid whack of a pillow against my head. I sprung up, ready to attack until I saw Mel standing over me, and before I could respond, she hit me again.

“No, actually, I can’t stop. I’m sick of this! Operation “Bitch, Cheer Your Ass Up” is now officially in effect. Get up, take a shower, and get dressed. If you’re not ready in thirty minutes, I’m hitting you again,” she threatened, pointing toward the pillow still clutched in her hand.

I sucked my teeth as I flopped back onto the bed, once again burying myself in the sheets. “Girl, you’re not my mama. I don’t have to do what you say.”

“Try me,” she said, her dimples flashing as she put her knees on the bed, leaning over me so she was right in my face. “The
least
you can do after you closed your business, leaving me jobless and broke, is act like you’re happy to be alive.”

I rolled my eyes at Mel. The day after the incident with Avery at Ignition, I made the decision to sell. That had only been a month ago, and her severance package had been
extremely
generous. As in, ‘She probably wouldn’t have to work for the next year’ generous. The girl was
far
from broke.

“I
am
happy to be alive, sis. Look at this smile.” I put on my cheesiest grin and crossed my eyes, laughing at the look of disgust that crossed her face.

“Your breath stinks, go brush,” she demanded, fanning the air as she stepped back.

Groaning, I tossed the covers back and reluctantly climbed out of the bed. “Well if you weren’t in my room bugging me you wouldn’t have to smell my morning breath, would you?”

“Uhh,
somebody
had to drag you out of your — quite literal— funk. And by the by, it’s 6 o’clock in the evening,
not
morning.”

I stopped mid-stretch to turn to her with a scowl. “Are you serious?”

Instead of answering, Mel pointed to the alarm clock on my bedside table, whose number very clearly displayed that it was after six PM. Where in the world had my day gone? I buried my hand in my hair, massaging my scalp as I let out a defeated sigh. Yet
another
day wasted lounging in the bed and sleeping. Now that I was unemployed — or retired, as I liked to refer to it— I had completely given in to the desire to wallow in my feelings.

She followed me into the bathroom, standing at the door while I sat down to pee.

“… Mel, can I have some privacy?”

“No.”

“You’re gonna stand there and watch me use the bathroom?”

“I’m not watching you, I’m standing here.” She clapped her hands together in quick succession. “Chop-chop. I told you thirty minutes, and I mean it. Relieve your little bladder, wash your hands, brush your teeth, get your ass in the shower, do something with that hair, and put on some damn clothes. Would you like me to write out a list for you?”

I rolled my eyes, again. I was so used to Mel’s snark it didn’t bother me anymore. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror as I stood at the sink to wash my hands, and I was shocked by what I saw. Dull skin, dark circles under my eyes, and my naturally kinky, curly hair was a tangled mess from my disregard for my daily regimen. Desperately, I wished I could say I didn’t recognize the Tori looking back at me, but that certainly wasn’t the case. We’d had another run-in recently, in the immediate aftermath of filing for divorce. The arguments, the lawyers, and the eventual divorce settlement had taken a similar emotional toll, and I’d withdrawn then as well. It wasn’t just with Rafael either. There had been a time before that, and a time before
that
one, and so on.