Find Me I'm Yours (24 page)

“So, if I tell you something, you promise to keep an open mind?”

“Promise.”

“You promise not to judge, and stay positive?”

“Promise.”

“You promise to never again, for the rest of your life, mention the Newman Curse?”

She had to take a bit of time to really consider this one. “You know the only reason I've ever said that is that I never found anyone after your father, I'm sure Grandma Dotty will die of, or at least
with
, a broken heart, and her mother spent her last years in an asylum, a lonely spinster. So they always said the curse was passed down.”

“Well, I'm about to break it and free us all.”

I think I spotted a glimmer of hope in my mom's eyes. That, or it was just sunlight reflecting off her contact lenses. (Yeah, I inherited her bad eyesight. Thanks, Mom!)

“Then I promise.”

So I told her everything. Well, except about quitting/getting fired. But I did tell her about finding the tape. The dog with the polka-dot tongue. The apartment in Venice. Sole Mates Shoe Repair. The DELHICATESSEN truck. The big rooster in Chinatown. Mr. La Salsa. The campsite in Malibu. The puppet show. The lost dog poster and website ploy, and where I left off with my giant donut research.

“That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!!” she exclaimed. “Crazy in a good way,” she quickly added.

“Right?”

“So, are you ready?” she asked.

“For what?”

“To go to all the giant donut places. I'll drive.”

I wanted to weep again. My mom was finally doing something for ME.

“Seriously?”

“Of course. Anything to break that damn curse! I'm ready to get married, too!”

Oh well. At least Narcie and I had one thing in common.

DAY 10—DAY

I started seeing Mom in a new way. Literally and figuratively. LITERALLY: Before we hit the giant donut spots, she took me to get new glasses. We found a place that filled prescriptions while you wait, so within an hour, I was once again seeing clearly! FIGURATIVELY: This was the first time in years that we really hung out together, and I got to see she was actually kinda cool. While growing up, she was so busy working by day and dating by night, when we saw each other, it was mostly about logistics. “Can you take Cooper to his dentist appointment after school?” “Will you pick up some toilet paper on your way home?” OR if she went out of her way to make a “special time” for Coop and me to go out with her, it always felt like an obligaysh.

When it came time to pay for my new, black-rimmed, adorkable (
without
the A and ABLE—just the DORK) glasses, I was ready to do my “I left my wallet at home” spiel to buy time (since that's all I could afford). Mom didn't need to know that on top of all my other failures since moving to Los Angeles, when I quit/got fired I left without taking my last paycheck. But before I could even insist on paying, she did. I argued, wanting to convince her I was doing fine, and thankfully she bought it. The story AND the glasses.

We spent the next two hours giant-donut-shop hopping, and found nothing at any of our stops except more caffeine and sugar. OH, and a shout-out to Amazon's eBook reader:

Parked outside on our last stop, the Donut Hole drive-through, Mom had me go through all the clues again carefully. When she hooked onto something, I was beginning to see that maybe my supah-sleuthing skillz were hereditary—in addition to the bad eyesight (but not THE CURSE, right, Liza?!).

“So,” she said, “you keep getting led to these websites that end in L.A., right?”

“Yeah…”

“Then let's try some different names having to do with BIG and GIANT and end them in L.A.”

“YOU'RE A GENIUS!! Who knew?”

She gave me a sad look, not blaming me for not knowing, but blaming herself for not letting me know. We both turned the focus to our phones. We searched for things like, “big landmarks + LA,” “giant landmarks + LA,” “big statues + LA,” “giant statues + LA,” and did the same spelling out Los Angeles as well.

We couldn't find any specific sites, but we kept trying various combinations till we finally struck gold:

www.GiantThingsLA.com
, which then forwarded to
www.GiantThings.com

It featured, what else? Giant pics of giant things! And very funny captions on each. There was a search bar at top of the site, so I simply entered “Los Angeles.” There, two of the three giant things I had been to so far were pictured, and there were several new large landmarks I had no idea about before!

“So, what should we
hit
first, the giant golf balls in Studio City?” Mom asked. “Get it?
HIT?
”

“Funny, Mom. The giant light bulb would have been
a bright idea
,” I gave it back to her, “but the site says it's no longer there. So let's stay on
course
and go to the golf balls.”

Thanks to my fave traffic-avoidng app, Waze, we found the quickest route to the Valley, and Weddington Golf & Tennis. When we pulled up and saw eight towering tees with giant balls (yeah, I said it), I was taken aback by their beauty. When we ran up to them we realized they were LIGHTS, which was even more brill! But we found no clues at all.

“So where next?” my mother asked.

“Well,” I pondered as I looked at more giant things on the GiantThings.com website, “like getting back on the horse after you've been thrown, maybe I had better conquer my newfound fear of tikis.”

“Nice plan. Let's go.”

I just hoped the giant ones on Bronson wouldn't be as tanked as I was the night before.

DAY 10—AFTERNOON

Good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

I'm always curious to see which people prefer, so…

Go take my poll and let me know:

Personally, I like hearing GOOD NEWS first so I can be buoyed up enough to be able to make it through the bad news. So here goes.

WE ACTUALLY FOUND A TAPE FROM MR. WTF AT THE TIKIS!!!!!!

The bad news: There was only ONE tape there. Not THREE. Or even TWO.

Could Whitney AND someone else have gained a lead? FUCK. While I was busy wreaking havoc at a crafts fair, getting roofied at a bar, having a slumber party in emergency, and checking out six giant donuts and eight enormous balls, two other potential MRS. WTFs could have totally gotten ahead of me.

“STEP ON IT,” was all I said to my accomplice (would that be A-MOM-PLICE?!) “Back to the apartment and my camera, STAT!” (I had overheard STAT in the hospital, but not from a doctor or nurse—on a rerun of
House
coming from the TV behind the curtain next to me.)

While Mom sped, NY taxi–style, I checked out
www.ISpottedYourDog.com
and found that seven pics had been uploaded!! But none looked much like the dog with the polka-dot tongue (one was even a poodle!?).

Keep looking, people! Keep posting! There's a reward involved!!!

“Mom, I didn't ask you, how long are you staying?”

“My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 8:00. Got to get back to work and Cooper. Make sure that while I was gone he didn't turn the apartment into a meth lab! So, are you going to come home with me?”

“Mom, I'm sorry, I really can't. I'm there for Cooper. We talk all the time. But I can't just uproot my life because you need help.”

“I'm sorry I asked.”

I think she actually meant it. In a good way.

“But thanks for coming, Mom. It means a lot to me.”

“Of course. You're my daughter and I love you no matter what.”

I wasn't sure what the “no matter what” was about, but I didn't really want to know.

“I love you too, Mom. Sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I do. I know I've been an awful mother, but I've tried my best, Mags.”

“You haven't been awful,” I lied. It was so hard to hear my mom acknowledge her faults. I actually preferred her to stay strong, even if it meant her being oblivious and narcie. “And it wasn't your fault.”

She looked broken and I couldn't take it, so I tried to find something posi to say, Liza-style. “Hey, you're worried about me and Cooper. So that makes you a great mother.”

My mom hugged me. Maybe that was all either one of us ever wanted from each other. Just a little acknowledgment.

DAY 10—EVENING

“Very impressive so far.”

That's how the tape started. I was on my bed watching first, using my earbuds so S.H.A.R.I. couldn't overhear anything. Then it would be my mom's turn to see—as close to in the flesh as possible—who her future son-in-law might be.

Click the pic to watch the video: