Final Encore (17 page)

said, “Very interesting, go on.”

“Finaly, after a couple of drinks at home, I found

the courage to stay for a while. And that’s where we

met. His name was Steve. He was a schoolteacher and

was cute as a button.

“One night I was sitting at the bar, and a very

attractive blue-eyed blond, not near as handsome as

you,” Bily added, “named Larry sat down next to me

and asked if he could buy me a drink. Stil being new to

this type of attention, I said sure. Larry, who I found out

later that night was also divorced, was the first man I

ever picked up or was picked up by. We met at the bar

a few times, then he asked me to his house for dinner,

and I stayed. I know, I was a slut, but what can I say.

We started a casual relationship, and I soon figured out

he was one messed-up puppy. He was into some things

that I wasn’t familiar or comfortable with, and I, thank

God, I had enough sense to break it off. After it ended,

we saw each other occasionaly because that was the

only bar I felt comfortable frequenting, and one night

while we were having a drink together, he introduced

me to Steve.

“We had an instant attraction, and he asked me

out. After several dates, we took our relationship to the

next level, and I was hooked. Steve was, how do I put

it, pretty promiscuous and didn’t realy want a

monogamous relationship, but as you’l learn, I’m

always up for a chalenge. I pushed. After al, I was in

love with him, and if I was in love with him, he must be

in love with me, right? Not!

“I realized that as long as I threw myself at him

and waited in the wings for his attention, he was never

available. I, of course, tired of that quickly and started

to play his games. I shamelessly flirted with any man

who would give me the time of day, and that was al it

took. After a week or so of that behavior, he was ready

to commit to only me, or so I thought.

“We were together, as I mentioned, just about

three years, and I was the only one in the entire gay

community who didn’t know he was sleeping with every

man that breathed. I was so in love, so blind, that I

didn’t see any of the warning signs. Even after I found

out he was sleeping around, I continued the relationship,

hoping he would change. I became very concerned

about STDs or even AIDS, and eventualy I found the

courage to end it. We tried to get back together a few

times, but he never stopped sleeping around, and

thankfuly, I’d finaly had enough. It was a very difficult

and painful time in my life that I do not look back on

with any sense of dignity, which nearly kiled me.”

Bily had tears running down both cheeks, and Ian

wished like hel he could get up and hold him. But al he

could do was reach for his hand, which Bily took

gratefuly.

Now Ian had tears streaming down both cheeks

as wel. Bily didn’t know it, but he had touched a

sensitive nerve.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Ian

said.

“Thanks,” Bily said. “It was tough, but I survived.

My mother believes that everything that happens to us

in life makes us who we are, and I believe it. I didn’t

then, but I do now. For many years after Steve and I

broke up, I couldn’t trust and I couldn’t be in a

relationship with someone I didn’t trust, so I just stayed

single. By the time I matured enough to know that I

couldn’t control people and they were going to do

whatever they wanted regardless of how it made me

feel, I was used to being alone, so I just stayed that

way.

“Besides, by then, I had made a choice to chase a

career in music and thought it best that I simply lay low.

I didn’t want photos of me in a black leather thong

popping up at the CMA awards.”

Ian chuckled at the thought and poured Bily

another glass of wine.

“In addition, after everything I had been through, I

set my standards pretty high, and no one ever measured

up, until now. In hindsight, I think it was just a defense

mechanism. If no one met my standards, I wouldn’t

love, and in return, wouldn’t be hurt. How’s that for a

nutcase story?” Bily said.

“You’ve been through so much. How do you get

beyond the things that broke you down?”

“I deal with them,” Bily said, “one at a time, until

I’ve worked through them and they make sense to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m stil cautious and protective of

my heart, but I’ve learned to read people, and I think

I’m now a pretty good judge of character. Knowing in

my heart that a person’s genuine gives me courage to

go out on the proverbial limb.”

By the time Bily’s story was over, the meatloaf

was in the oven, the mashed potatoes were in the

fridge, the red beans were simmering on the stove, the

shrimp Creole and a piping hot loaf of bread were

ready to serve, and Bily had made enough rice for two

or three meals. They ate at the bar with Ian’s right leg

stil on the stool to his right and Bily seated to his left,

and Ian proclaimed the meal a success.

“So why now?” Ian asked as Bily started loading

the dishwasher.

“What do you mean, why now?”

“You said because of your career aspirations, you

decided not to get involved or even date. So why

now?”

“Good question,” Bily said. “I asked myself the

same question while I was driving to the ranch, and the

only solution I came up with is you! Maybe I was

always open to it, if the right person came along, but he

never did, so it didn’t matter.”

“That’s an awful lot of pressure,” Ian said.

“No, it’s realy not,” said Bily. “These are my

feelings, not yours, and I can’t make you feel what you

don’t. If you don’t feel what I feel, there’s no pressure.

I love myself enough to take care of me, and you should

do the same.”

“I get where you’re coming from, Bily. You

know I haven’t dated in years, and I have no real idea

why you’re here with me now. I decided long ago that I

would keep myself buried in my work and that was al I

needed. After meeting you, I was wrong, dead wrong;

work is not al I need. And I feel like I want to move

forward, I’m just not sure how to do it.”

“Day by day,” Bily said.

“You’re so open, Bily, with everything. You face

your demons head on and get them out of the way. I

wish I was like you.”

“This demon-facing, as you cal it, didn’t happen

overnight. For the longest time, I was an emotionaly

wounded man. I went through life on autopilot, but one

day I woke up and just couldn’t get out of bed. I spent

the entire day curled up in the fetal position with

thoughts of ending the pain and loneliness consuming

me. By day’s end, I finaly gave in and downed a bottle

of over-the-counter sleeping pils with a glass of scotch.

Looking back now, I realize how fortunate I was that it

wasn’t enough to kil me; just, sure as hel, made me

sicker than I’ve ever been.

“When the sickness was over and my body was

exhausted from heaving, lying on the bathroom floor, I

finaly gave in and came apart at the seams. I sobbed

for hours and simply let it al go. When I had no more

tears, I dragged myself into the shower, and with the

steam surrounding me like a fog and the hot water

beating down on me, I said to myself, ‘No more’. And

from that time, I’ve spent every day of my life exploring

my feelings and trying to be a better man. I look at each

new day as a day of self-discovery, and you can’t

imagine how very liberating that is. When you hit rock

bottom, there’s no way but up.

“Ian, you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I’m going

to give it to you anyway. I think you’ve kept your

feelings buried for so long, it’s probably easier to let

them stay there. I remember those days wel, but please

trust me on this. You may think it’s easier that way, but

eventualy it wil be the emotional death of you.”

“I know, Bily, you’re right. I’m not there yet, but

you give me hope. We al have baggage, and of course

I have a history of my own, a very painful history, and

I’m just not ready to share it.”

“I’m not asking you to. When you’re ready, I’l

be here, but I don’t want you to tel me about it out of

obligation. I know that someone hurt you badly, Ian. I

can see it in your eyes, I can hear it in your words, but

it’s up to you to want to get over it. I can’t do that for

you. Maybe trying to bury the hurt just isn’t cutting it;

maybe you should start to think about dealing with the

feelings instead of burying them.”

“Bily, al I realy know at this exact second is that

you make me want to be a loving, feeling, and living

person again. Please be patient with me. I want to do

this.”

Bily sighed and squeezed Ian’s hand. “I’l be

patient with you as long as you need me to, as long as

it’s healthy for me.”

Bily put the leftover shrimp Creole in a plastic

bowl, removed the red beans from the stove, and

placed everything in the refrigerator. The fire had gone

out long ago, but he turned off the CD player, which

was on repeat and had probably played three times,

brushed his hands together, and said, “That’s it. We’re

done!”

“Halelujah,” Ian said. “Can we go upstairs now?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Bily said. Ian’s

crutches were stil upstairs, so Bily picked him up, and

they headed up the stairs with Ian’s head lying on Bily’s

shoulder.

BILLY didn’t wait until he reached the bedroom. His

lips were already covering Ian’s by the time they’d

reached the top of the stairs. Ian opened up for Bily,

and their tongues explored as if their mouths were the

entrance to their hearts.

When they reached the bed, Bily gently sat Ian in

an upright position on the edge. In one fluid move, as

Bily began to straighten, Ian puled Bily’s sweatshirt

over his head. Folowing Ian’s lead, Bily did the same

for him.

Bily lovingly nudged Ian to lie back, and when he

did, Bily slid his pants down to his ankles. In one

continuous move, he slipped Ian’s pants over his feet,

taking Ian’s left sock with it. Bily threw the pants and

sock behind him, removed his own pants, and knelt

between Ian’s legs.

Al he could think about was Ian, his hot,

muscular body waiting to be taken. Bily began to nibble

at Ian’s already stiffening cock through his underwear.

He turned his head to the side and ran his teeth up and

down the shaft of Ian’s cock, teasing and tormenting

with every stroke.

Ian began to slowly raise and lower his hips,

responding to Bily’s tender touch. Bily puled the

waistband of Ian’s underwear down far enough to

expose his thick, now rock-hard cock. In one slow,

tantalizing move, Bily’s mouth slid al the way down to

the base of Ian’s dick, stopping only when he inhaled

the sweet smel of Ian’s manhood through his crotch

hairs. He slowly slid his mouth back up to the head of

Ian’s cock and began to move in slow, even strokes as

Ian moaned with pleasure.

He reluctantly released him when Ian took him by

his upper arms and puled Bily to him. Ian plunged his

tongue into Bily’s mouth and consumed him with every

ounce of passion he could muster. Then a sense of

panic overtook him. He knew that in that very moment,

he wanted Bily more than he had ever wanted anyone