Fill Me (23 page)

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Nothing," I say.

I lean towards her and brush my lips against hers. We have four more days in paradise. Whatever happens, I'm making the most of these four days.

She slides her hand around my neck. It's soft, sweet, perfect. That's my Alyssa. For now, at least.

Then the kiss breaks, and I push aside the empty feeling in my gut.

The sky is streaked with stars. They're bight, brilliant, perfect.

I squeeze her hand tighter, trying to soak in every damn ounce of this moment.

After a while she lets go and gets to her feet. She looks at me softly, a small smile on her lips. "Let's go to dinner."

"I have to do something first." I stand and slide my hands around her waist.

"And what is that?"

"This."

I press my lips into hers, pulling her body into mine. I kiss her until she melts into me, until she's putty, until I'm sure she'll remember this moment forever.

The rest of the night is perfect. Fantastic food. Fantastic drinks. Not a word from either of us about what Alyssa is or isn't eating. Honestly, it barely crosses my mind. She did okay on her own in New York City.

We talk and joke during dinner, but it does nothing to ease the dread in my gut. We can't keep going on like this, leaving everything unsaid.

I failed her. I wasn't there when she needed me. The least I can do to make it up to her is ensure we have a nice trip together.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Alyssa

I'm a kid in a damn candy store. Sure, I've been treated to the finest things before. But not like this. Never like this.

The gorgeous hotel room is only the tip of the iceberg. This whole damn island is amazing. Indulgent, expensive, perfect.

Our morning starts with Kona coffee. Real Kona coffee--creamy, smooth, sweet even without globs of honey. I am in coffee nirvana, and I drink cup after cup after cup. Luke teases me, licking honey off his spoon every time I order another cup.

There are no comments about proper breakfast food. No comments about caffeine in moderation. Actually, he hasn't said a thing about my eating since... since forever. That's what I wanted. It's a sign he respects my wishes. That he trusts me. Not that he's stopped caring. Not that he's closing off so he can cut ties.

I shake the thought away, focusing on another sip of perfect, creamy coffee. Focusing on Luke's big, brown eyes. His million-dollar grin. His messy hair.

We talk about little things. TV. Movies. Gossip about Laurie. From the sound of it, he's spent most of his free time in front of the TV or the theater screen. Not that I'd expect anything else from him.

There's something missing in the conversation. Some place where we aren't quite connecting. But I push it aside, push it down as deep as it can go. We're in paradise. We may as well enjoy it.

Our day is too full for dwelling on whatever it is that's wrong. There's a surf lesson, a hike at a volcano park, dinner at a little seafood restaurant under the stars. We spend our evening at a quiet bar, staring into each other's eyes, whispering sweet nothings that promise only the immediate future. No
I'll always love you
. No forever. No
you fill me with so much joy that I must make you my wife
.

Only now. Only tonight.

We take a long, slow walk along the beach on our way back to the hotel. The air is warm, salty, sweet. I squeeze the soft sand with my feet, letting it creep between my toes. Luke presses his hand against mine, but there's a coldness to it. Something is missing.

I swallow hard. The last few months have been miserable. It's not like we can carry on ignoring it. It's not like we're both going to forget it.

But I'm not ready to broach the subject.

So I squeeze his hand a little tighter, and I press my feet into the soft sand. It gives just enough. It's just hard enough. Just wet enough.

The waves roll onto the beach with a gentle roar. It's so quiet here. So peaceful.

I turn to Luke. I can just make out his expression in the darkness. There's something on his face. He's not here. He's somewhere else. Probably trying to figure out how to tell me he can't put up with me anymore.

I push the thought down as far as it will go. It's so pretty here. The sky is a glorious shade of purple, and it's streaked with stars. The water is so calm, so peaceful, so damn blue.

He stops and brings his eyes to mine. They're still so earnest, so full of life.

"Hey." He pushes a hair behind my ear. His touch is soft, sweet, electric.

"Hey yourself." I lean into him, soaking in the feeling of his body. There's something so safe about it, even if he is...

Even if we're nearing the end.

"You having a nice trip?" he asks.

I nod, pressing my palm into his back. There's something in his eyes, something off.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Perfect."

"You sure there's nothing you want to talk about?"

He smirks and wraps his arms around me. "You sound like me." His eyes stay on mine even as his expression grows more and more intense. "We can talk later. Right now, I want to be with you under the stars."

"Now you sound like me," I say.

He nods. "I learned from the best."

I swallow again, turning my head away from him. I can't bear to hold his gaze, not now, not like this. But I feel his fingers on my chin. His touch is so soft, so sweet, so here. Maybe I was wrong and he's not a million miles away.

He nudges me gently, tilting my chin so our eyes meet. "I mean it. I love being here with you."

Our lips meet. It's soft and sweet, and I can't bear to resist him. I press my palms firmly into his back, arching into him.

He sucks on my lower lip, his hands sliding to my ass. It still feels so good to touch him, to taste him, to just be near him.

Our kiss breaks and he brings his gaze back to me. "We're in a pretty secluded area."

"Is that right?"

He nods, steps back, and pulls his shirt over his head. "It's been a while since we've done any skinny-dipping."

He unzips his jeans and slides his boxers to his knees. Jesus. He's not wasting any time waiting for an answer.

I soak in the sight of him. He's sheer perfection.

"Always objectifying me." He smiles, his eyes lighting up. "You coming?"

I nod and slip out of my dress. He looks at me with sheer delight, taking in my body the way I took in his.

"You're still a little overdressed," he says.

My body hums. I squeeze my thighs together to maintain my composure. "I need help."

He moves towards me. "I may be able to provide some help."

I look up at him, into his eyes. That's Luke, and right now, he's mine. I rise to my tiptoes, wrap my arms around his neck, and I kiss him. I kiss him like the ship is going down.

His hands are on my back, pushing my body into his. His touch is so hot, so electric. I can barely take it. My body is buzzing, begging for more.

He slides his hands over my back until they're at my bra. But he doesn't unhook it. Not yet. He traces its edges with his fingertips.

I groan, digging my nails into his skin, arching into him. He slips his hands into my bra and rubs my nipples gently.

He moves his free hand to my ass and slides it under my panties. Damn. This is so much better than what I had in mind.

I melt into him. He sucks on my bottom lip, scraping his teeth against it. Then he slides his tongue into my mouth.

He circles my nipple with his fingers. It's light, soft, perfect.

"Luke..."

"Why are you always ruining my plans?" It's deep, heavy with desire.

He slides his hands up my back, unhooks my bra and flings it onto the sand. His eyes pass over me, a look that says I'm the best thing he's ever seen.

Then his lips are on mine. He kisses me, hard and deep, his fingertips skimming my back, stomach, shoulders. They settle on my chest, and he rubs my nipples with his thumbs.

Electricity surges through me, down to my fingers and toes. I grab his ass and pull his body into mine. He's hard, and I need him here. I need him no matter what might happen tomorrow.

"Please don't tell me you want to wait until we're back at the hotel," I say.

"Turn around," he says.

I do, and he places his body behind mine. He presses his lips into my neck as he kneads my breasts. He kisses me softly, then harder and harder. Then it's teeth, gently scraping against my neck.

I try and reach back, to touch him, but he grabs my arms and places them at my sides. He slides my panties to my knees and I step out of them. Now there's nothing between us.

He grabs my hips, bringing my body into his. I can feel him, hard against me, but he doesn't enter me. Not yet. He drags his fingers over my thighs, so, so close. I feel his teeth on my neck again. It's harder this time. Like he's claiming me. Like he's hoping to leave a mark.

I arch my back, rubbing against him. I need him to claim me, to make me his, to show me how much he wants me.

I grab his hand and place it on my sex. He rubs me gently, sinking his teeth into my neck again and again. My body is swimming with desire, desperate for him to move faster, to fuck me.

But he moves slowly, stroking me with one hand, teasing my nipple with the other. He plants kisses on my neck and shoulders.

I groan, and he moves a little faster, strokes me a little harder. My sex clenches, my body filling with pleasure.

He rubs his thumbs against my nipples again. It's so soft I can barely feel it, but it sends sparks down my spine. I tilt my head back, turning to him.

I kiss him, plunging my tongue into his mouth. It's desperate and needy and proof that he wants me as badly as I want him.

He moves his hands to my chest and traces circles around my nipples. I turn back, pressing my ass into him, arching my back as far as it will go.

"Luke," I groan. "Please..."

He sinks his teeth into my neck. His hands find my thighs and he pries my legs apart. His cock strains against my sex, almost. He kisses me one more time.

Then he slides inside me.

My body floods with relief. I'm exactly where I need to be.

He grabs my hips and shifts into me with slow, tiny movements. My body hums, filling with pleasure. I arch into him, to try and feel as much of him as I can, to give him space to go deeper.

He squeezes my hips, pulling me closer as he thrusts into me. He groans, his breathing heavy. He's almost shaking. He wants this, and badly.

I close my eyes, soaking in the feeling of him inside me, his body against mine, his hands on me. There's a pressure between my legs and it's getting tighter and tighter, deeper and deeper.

I turn back to Luke, kissing him hard, sliding my tongue over his. He squeezes my chest, rubbing my nipples with his thumbs again.

His hands move to my hips and he brings his mouth to my ear. "Touch the ground."

I bend over and press my hands into the sand for support. I can barely stand. He can do whatever he wants to me.

I can feel every movement deep in my core. I'm so close, almost there.

He thrusts into me, slow and steady. He groans. "Fuck, Alyssa..."

He's close.

He squeezes my hips as he moves deeper, filling every inch of me. I moan, squeezing the sand and biting my lip. Fuck, I'm so close.

He thrusts into me, again, and again, and again. The pressure inside me grows, more and more and more.

He groans, diggings his fingers into my hips. Damn he's so deep in me, and I'm so close and...

One more thrust, a little deeper, a little further. I bite my lip to keep from screaming. I dig my fingers into the sand. I clench my sex.

A torrent of pleasure washes over me, from my fingertips to my toes.

He holds me tightly, thrusting into me a little deeper, his groans getting louder and louder. His nails sink into my skin, and he releases everything, coming inside me.

He reaches for me, pulling me back to a standing position. He slides his arms around me, squeezing me tight.

We catch our breath, our bodies pressed together, nothing around us but the glow of the moon.

He presses his lips into my neck. "Now, how about that skinny-dipping I mentioned?"

I nod and he leads me to the water.

***

We spend forever in the water, swimming and kissing under the stars. Everything is warm and sweet and perfect. We don't discuss the last three months or the next three months. Hell, we don't discuss anything at all.

We swim until we're both exhausted.

When we get back to the hotel, Luke crashes. I've never seen him fall asleep so easily. Hell, I almost never see him sleeping.I try and get comfortable. I read on the couch. I brush my teeth and change into pajamas. Hell, I even flip through TV channels with the volume turned way down.

But I don't get anywhere near tired enough to sleep.

I try for a while, but it's in vain. Even next to Luke, with his body warming the bed, I still can't get comfortable.

The time difference is wonky. I'd be waking up in New York. But it's more than that.

Something is wrong, something is missing.

I can't stop thinking about Ryan's words.
I hope I was wrong. I hope he isn't afraid of how hard it is to reach you.

It must be bullshit. Ryan is always full of it. But something about it rings true. Luke has been backing off. He has been afraid. And I've pushed away all his attempts to reach me.

Ryan was my friend for years before he was my boyfriend. If anyone knows how hard it is to put up with me, it's Ryan.

But he said... There's no way he meant that he stills love me. That he'd still have me.

Not if I am as hard to reach as he claims.

I push off the couch and look for my phone. It's still early in Los Angeles, really early, but this might be my only chance before Luke is awake.

I deleted Ryan's contact information a long time ago, but he's had the same number since high school. I punch it into the phone, but I can't bring myself to hit send.