Fighting To Stay (4 page)

“What the heck happened to you?” They ask in unison.

It is then I remembered about my face. Waving their concern away, I slide into the booth. “I’m fine. So did you guys already order? I’m starving.”

“No, we did not order. We aren’t until you tell me what the hell happened to your face?” Hailey demands.

My sister is drop dead gorgeous. Honestly, I’m shocked she’s not a model. Josh always thought every guy in the world had a crush on her and they may have. She is tall, curvy, and beautiful. However, I’m finding it hard to remember the last time she didn’t dye her hair. Today, it is blonde.

“You’d get in the way of me and my food. You know it’s a bad idea to get in the middle of me and my food. Remember the last time,” I wink at Josh.

He unconsciously starts rubbing his hand where I had stabbed him with a fork when he tried to take my chicken wings. It was all in fun and I never meant to
actually
stab him. Honestly, I expected him to move his hand, but he kept it there.

“Stab me again if you need to, but I’m with Hay on this one.”

Sighing in defeat, this is honestly the easier of the conversations I had to have today. To be perfectly frank, I’m glad he’s gone. There’s no way I’d want him around for when I celebrate going into remission and definitely no way I want to waste another day under his controlling, demanding thumb.

“Vince and I are over. He hit me and I kicked his ass out. The End. Now can we order?”

“Fine,” they mumble, but I could sense the anger boiling under their skin.

Once we order our food, we talk about what exactly happened between Vince and I. Several times, I have to stop each of them from leaving the restaurant all together.

Our food arrives and I shovel it all in my mouth like there’s no tomorrow. Removing the worry from my shoulders has brought my appetite back with a vengeance.

Hailey is fiddling with her coffee cup when she finally asks, “So what’s going on Dee?”

“The results came back. I have Stage Two B breast cancer. It’s treatable and a good chance of going into remission. I’m not stressing over this. Therefore, I don’t want you to either. Do you understand me? But I will need rides to the office for treatments and to get my port put in.”

Hailey nor Josh say anything for the longest time. They simply stare down at their drinks. The quiet is bugging me. I decide to fill it with something else that is on my mind.

“So, today, Garrett kissed me. Part of me thinks it was only a friend trying to make the wound go away. Another part of me wishes it's because he likes me. Is that weird of me?”

Hailey clears her throat. “Kissed you where?”

“In the office,” I purposely respond wrong.

“No, on the lips? Where?”

“On the cheek, but it is more what he said after it all, when I was getting ready to leave.”

“What did he say,” Josh asks, finally joining into the conversation.

“He asked if I wanted him to come with me to tell you guys. I asked him if he’d really do that. He was like, ‘you’d be surprise what I’d do for you’. I mean what the hell is that supposed to mean. I have to be reading that wrong, right? Hell, he took off one day and no contact from him, nothing. He broke me,” I whisper.

Hailey stares at me with a small smirk on her face. “He’s finally getting the balls,” she mumbles under her breath so low I almost didn’t catch it.

“What do you mean?” Immediately forgetting about the pain from the past.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it. So, what’s the next step?” Hailey seems eager to move away from the question.

“Well, he’s one of my oncologists and I don’t think there’s really a next step for us honestly. I’m mean I’m pretty darn sure that it was merely him being a friend and feeling bad for the bruise and the news he was about to deliver,” I shrug.

Josh’s fist hit the table hard causing both of us to jump. “You know that’s not what she’s talking about. Can’t you be serious for five damn minutes Dee! We are talking about your life here,” he hisses hurt.

Reaching over, I place my hand on my brother’s, “I’ll be fine. You watch, it’ll be just like me getting a cold. I’ll be under the weather, but bounce right back,” I smile feeling the love he has for me.

“How can you be so sure,” he asks as his voice cracks.

“Because this is Dee we’re talking about. She’s kicked our butts for years. You think she’d seriously let this push her around?” Hailey says, but I can hear the sadness and worry in her voice too. “Besides she has something far better to live for, I’m betting,” she winks at me.

“Really? You mean better than the two of you? What would that be?”

“Doc, McLovin Stuff,” Hailey laughs.

Rolling my eyes at my sister, I bump her shoulder. “You have really lost your marbles, haven’t you?”

She falls into a fit of giggles. “Garrett Hepner has been in love with you ever since we were in school. You just never gave him the time of day.”

“You have not just lost your marbles. You’ve chucked those puppies into the river, they were swallowed by fish, who were then swallowed by a bigger fish. We’ve only ever been friends.”

Josh starts shaking his head back and forth with a smirk on his face. It is nice to see him forget about the fact that I am facing breast cancer and be caught up in my sister’s infectious behavior. These two are my world. They are all I ever need in life.

My sister is the woman I go to when I need a budget plan figured out. The woman is a genius with bargain hunting and space saving. Josh is the one I always go to when I feel the need for a debate or in depth discussion. Not that Hailey isn’t smart or anything, but Josh is just so detailed and really engrossed himself in history, numbers, politics and his views on things are at times a good stark contrast to mine.

See Hailey didn’t so much care to have those kinds of debates or conversations. She is a live in the moment, plan for the future, leave the past where it lay type of person. We had plenty of conversations on life matters.

“He does, Dee. That man has tried everything to impress you. Who knew he’d finally be taking a chance?”

“Oh pish posh, it doesn’t rightly matter anymore now, does it? He’s my oncologist. There are strict rules against that or something.”

This is too funny. They seriously thought that Garrett could be in love with me. Me? The same girl the kids used to call ‘klutzo’ in school. Yeah, I think not.

The rest of the time goes well. We joke and tease having a good ol’ time. Just as I yawn, Josh tenses and calls for the check. He pays for everyone, as he always tends to do for his sisters, and we start heading out the door.

“Dee, I’ll put your bike in the back of the truck and take you home. You rode around a lot today and it’s dark.”

Too tired to fight, I agree. Before I know it, we are pulling up to my house. After helping me put my bike away in my storage area, I hug my brother and head upstairs.

Heading inside, I lock the door and go right to bed. It has been a very long day.
Time to close it up for the night.
With one last sigh, I close my eyes and fall asleep in my nice comfy bed.

The port procedure was pretty easy. The whole idea of tube like things going into my heart is nerve wracking, but thankfully, it isn’t something I feel every time my heart beats. It sounds weird, but that’s what I was worried about. The things that run through your mind when you find out you have cancer.

After the procedure, still under the anesthesia, I blurt it all out.

“My brother and sister are insistent that you love me,” I laugh.

He stops mid-reading and looks at me with wide eyes. “They did?” He swallows. “And what did you say?”

Laughing again. “I told them that they’d lost their marbles. You’d never love klutzo.”

He sets my chart down, pulls the curtain all the way closed, and walks over to my bed. “As much as I’d love to have this conversation with you right now, I want you completely lucid. Let me take you home tonight.”

“Josh and Hailey are here,” I giggle.

“I’ll talk to them,” he smiles.

The port sits in my arm, about three inches from my elbow. There is no pain really. I mean there’s tenderness, but nothing big. For a few days, I have to keep a wrap around it to prevent infections. In a week, I start my chemo treatments. Am I nervous? Well, duh! Am I scared? Sure, a little. Am I going to let this stop me from living my life? Hell no!

Riding in the car, I’m so nervous, but for a different reason. Garrett is sitting very close to me. I can smell his cologne and feel the heat from his body.

“How, uh, how did you get my brother and sister to agree to this?” I ask unable to listen to my rapid heartbeat in my ears any longer.

“I told them the truth,” he answers as if it explains anything at all.

“And that was…” I ask just as he puts the car in park. “Wait, where are we?”

“I’m taking you to lunch. We need to talk,” he climbs from the car and walks around helping me out.

Pulling my hand from his, I look at him. “What is the truth Garrett?”

“Are you sure you want to hear that right now?” He asks as his eyes bounce between my own.

“Of course I do. If you feel the need to lie…”

My sentence is cut short when his hands cup my face, his lips pressing against mine. My heart stops completely. How many times growing up had I fantasized about this moment?

His fingers gently massage the back of my head as he deepens the kiss. Our tongues touch briefly before he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time.”

Slapping him, I pull back. “What the hell, Garrett?” I yell as I begin to pace. “You are my oncologist for crying out loud! You shouldn’t be kissing me.”

He steps next to me, taking my hands in his. “Donna, I’ve been in love with you for years. Sure, I’m a doctor at the same clinic that you are having treatment at, but I’m not
your
doctor. But even if I was that was only temporary. This is more than temporary. For me it is anyway.”

Turning my back on him, I try to curb this sudden surge of longing pouring through me. My heart knows the decision that I need to make.  Turning back around, I face the man that I’ve secretly loved since school.

“Can we just be friends? I just got out of a bad relationship. I really don’t think it’s wise to get in another one at this moment. Not without knowing,” I say softly.

The twinge of pain on his face breaks my heart, but he forces a smile and nods. Leading me inside, we find a table. Looking around, I watch families enjoying a nice outing together. My heart breaks a little. Before I could think about what I was saying, my mouth starts moving.

“Does this mean that I’ll never have kids?” My eyes never leave the little baby next to me.

“Not necessarily. Don’t get me wrong, it is unlikely, but given your age… I always say never say never,” he says. “Do you want kids?”

“I used to,” I say sadly.

“What changed your mind?”

Tearing my eyes away from the baby, I look down at my hands. “Because of this. I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to bring a child into the world and not know if I’ll be leaving it behind soon.”

He reaches across the table and takes my hands. “Look at me, beautiful,” he urges quietly.

Hesitating briefly, I meet his eyes and I’m in complete shock at what I’m seeing in them. There’s compassion, kindness, but what took my breath away is the love I see in them.

“You can’t live like that. At any point, any of us could go without warning. Even the completely healthy ones. I know what you mean by not wanting to leave your child or children behind, but why stop living because one moment of uncertainty?”

“That’s so easy for you to say. You’re not in my shoes,” I almost hiss cynically.

Abruptly, he moves to the seat next to me. Once again cups my face in his hands, my wide eyes meet his intense ones.

“If you think I’m not going through this, you’re wrong. It kills me to know that there is the possibility of losing you when I feel like I’m just getting you. But you know what kills me more?”

Shaking my head, I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. “No, what?”

“The thought of not having even a little time with you, kills me more than anything. I’m not going to push you, beautiful. I’d never want you to feel forced to be with me, but can’t we take small steps.”

Looking at him for a moment, I wonder if this would become a regret if I didn’t try. Knowing that it definitely would, I take a deep breath and make sure I get my piece in before I say my answer.

“Do you understand what I’ve just been through with Vince?”

“No, I don’t, but how is it fair to compare me to him?”

“I’m not trying to, but you need to understand. He was great in the beginning. Honestly, I thought I’d won the lottery, especially since I couldn’t have you. Then the longer we were together, his disguise started to fade away. He practically moved himself into my place. I had to have supper on the table by the time he got home. I was his servant. When I had the biopsy, I over slept and he woke me up by screaming at me and yanking my blankets off me. When I told him he could fend for himself, he hit me. I’m not saying you’re like him, but I’m saying how do I forget that?”