Fighting Redemption (28 page)

“Cease fire,” Monty roared.

The cracks of gunfire ceased immediately, followed by the sounds of magazines being removed and the discharge of chambered rounds.

In the eerie silence, Ryan felt like he couldn’t breathe. The ease of familiarity was dying off as he stepped back from the firing line. His heartbeat surged as he wiped sweat from his brow with his shirtsleeve.

Monty reached his side as he focused on trying to control his breathing. “Nice job, Kendall. Now pull it the fuck together.”

Ryan gave a sharp nod, not trusting his voice. The sooner he was in Afghanistan where he could live and breathe this shit, the better. He’d lived with a single-minded determination for so long he couldn’t stop now. He could still be that way. He hadn’t changed,
dammit
.

Reloading his chamber, Ryan stepped up to the plate, the weight of the rifle heavy in his hands, and waited for Monty’s command.

Finally exhausted, both mentally and physically, Ryan arrived back at base and showered off the sweat and grime of a hard day’s training. Throwing on the jeans and shirt he wore last night, Ryan grabbed his shoes and sat down on the edge of the bed to slip them on.

Galloway appeared in the doorway. “Mess is open. You coming?”

“Nah. Got shit to do.”

He tipped his chin. “See you tomorrow then?”

“I’ll be back later.” Finished with putting on his shoes, Ryan stood up.

Galloway shook his head. “You do what you gotta do, mate.”

The trouble with doing what he had to do was that it involved saying goodbye to the one person he couldn’t live without. He would never come back from this. Never.

How did people take sick days? Sitting around while the rest of the world got on with their day to day life left Fin twitchy. By lunchtime she was feeling better and made the trek into the office. She spent most of the afternoon fielding emails from Rachael, typing up a report that made no sense and checking her phone for missed calls from Ryan. A missed call earlier from Kyle’s phone had left her panicked, fearing something happened to Ryan, until Ryan himself left a message. The resignation in his voice told her more than what his words could—that his stance on the whole thesis subject hadn’t changed.

By the time Fin arrived home in the dark, she was tired and not looking forward to a lonely night. Her little car purred softly when she pulled into the driveway, her headlights bringing Ryan into focus. He was leaning against the door of his car, hands tucked casually in his pockets despite his body being tense and his eyes hard.

Taking a deep breath, Fin stepped out of the car and forced her feet to move towards him. His eyes tracked her until she reached his side.

Seconds ticked by as they stared at each other wordlessly.

“You’re leaving,” she said eventually.

Ryan nodded.

“I can’t … I don’t know what to sa
y
,” Fin managed, inhaling deeply as numbness wrapped her in its cold blanket. She could almost feel the life fading right out of her. “Maybe there isn’t anything to say. You should probably just go.”

“Fin, I …” His voice cracked but she let it wash right over her. He looked away, pressing his lips together as though he was fighting against what he wanted to say. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered, closing his eyes.

Fin stepped back, creating distance. “It’s too late. I’ve already emailed the acceptance. It was lodged immediately.”

Fin didn’t know why she lied but
fuck it.
After everything it had taken for them to finally be together, he was leaving her. She didn’t need him knowing how much it hurt.

His eyes flew open and she could see both relief and anguish swirling in their depths. “Good.”

“You have your things?” she asked, her voice sounding cold to her own ears.

“I do. I left the keys on the kitchen bench … When are you leaving for Sydney?”

“Soon,” she told him. She was really going to do this. Leave everything and everyone behind. Maybe Sydney might be a fresh start, a new life, uncomplicated and easy.

“Give me your hand.” She stiffened, knowing touching him wasn’t going to make this easier, yet she offered her hand anyway. His fingers closed over it, turning it palm up. She watched his finger trace gently along the lines. “You have a long, beautiful life ahead of you, Fin.” Tears swam in his eyes as he looked at her. “Go and make Jake proud.”

Ryan gave her hand a squeeze, his eyes memorising her face before letting it go, leaving her cold and empty. Lifting his chin, he gave her a quick nod and turned, moving around the back of the car to the driver’s side. He opened the door and slid inside, shutting the door behind him.

“Ryan!” She took a step towards the car, and he rolled down the window but she couldn’t see him through her tears. “Be safe,” she whispered brokenly.

Ryan nodded, wiping at a tear that spilled over and rolled down his cheek. “You too, baby.”

Feeling herself die a little inside, Fin turned and walked towards the house. Without looking back, she unlocked the front door, stepped inside, and closed it shut behind her.

“You’re pregnant.”

Fin flinched, her body jerking visibly in the small chair where she sat opposite Doctor Jensen. After her initial appointment on Thursday and another week’s wait for blood test results, she finally had her answer. She’d been thinking an iron deficiency or some lingering virus, but this …

“Can you …” Fin shook her head. Maybe she heard wrong. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

Her doctor nodded, her glossy, dark ponytail swishing with the movement as her lips curved softly. “It’s a positive, Finlay. You’re having a baby.”

Fin stood abruptly, her chair scraping noisily on the thick, gleamin
g
floorboards. “I can’t … you …” Her hand, cold and shaky, moved to rest on her forehead. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.” Doctor Jensen half-stood from her chair, her brows drawing together. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” Fin’s eyes collided wildly with her doctor’s. “Am I? You’re the doctor here!”

Doctor Jensen reached her side and gently gripped her elbow, guiding her back to the chair. Unsteady on her feet, Fin sank back down into the slightly uncomfortable cushioned seat. Her doctor shuffled backwards until she rested up against the edge of her desk. “Finlay, look at me.”

Fin looked up, meeting her doctor’s concerned brown eyes.

“Are you doing this on your own?”

“What?” she whipped out more sharply than she intended. “You think … I didn’t do this on my own!”

“Finlay.” Her doctor’s voice was calm, as though soothing a wild animal. “When you came in over a week ago, you gave the impression that you and Ryan were no longer together. That’s what I meant.”

“We aren’t,” she said, “so I guess that’s a yes. I am doing this on my own.” Fin’s eyes shifted to the window. The slats in the blinds were half-open letting the midday sunshine wash through. Birds chirped noisily in the tree just outside, oblivious to her turmoil. She turned back to face her doctor, unable to process the shock. “How far?”

“You’re three and a half months along. You haven’t noticed your expanding waistline?”

She looked down, focusing on the slight curve of her belly. “There’s a baby in there? I didn’t …” Fin didn’t know what she’d noticed except maybe some bloating. She couldn’t even recall what happened yesterday, let alone a week ago. Panic curdled her stomach as her eyes returned to her doctor’s. “Wait! Over three months? I can’t … you … But I’ve been on the pill since Ryan and I started seeing each other.”

Doctor Jensen shrugged. “These things happen. The pill isn’t entirely effective. Did you have unprotected sex at any time?”

“No! I would never do that!”

Wait! She did do just that. How could she forget Ryan’s eyes, wide and panicked as he told her he forgot to use a condom? That day had been a riot of emotion with protection the last thing on their minds.

She’d meant to sort it out, but instead she’d blocked the entire day from her memory, the reminder of Jake’s letter and her subsequent breakdown far too painful to think about.

“We should do an ultrasound.” Her doctor waved towards a small machine in the corner with an attached screen. “Do you want to meet your baby?”

Oh God.
Ryan was going to be a daddy.

Fin shook her head. “No. I don’t. I can’t. Not without Ryan. I can’t do this without Ryan.”

Doctor Jensen tilted her head, her eyes calm and focused. “You can. You’re going to be surprised at just how much strength you can find when you become a parent. You have family and friends and my door is always open for you.” Her heels clicked solidly on the floor as she shifted towards the slim hospital bed in the corner. “Now come on over here and let’s have a look at what’s growing in there.”

Fin pressed a hand to her belly as she stood, feeling nothing at all. No kicks or flutters or lazy rolls. No evidence at all that part of Ryan existed inside her.

Half an hour later, Fin sat in her car, a photo of their baby clutched in her trembling fingers. She couldn’t take her eyes off it, not even registering the joy that was unfurling in her chest. In that moment, nothing else mattered except her need to see Ryan.

Sliding the key into the ignition, her little car came to life at the same time her phone rang. Reaching into her bag, Fin plucked it out, seeing her mum’s name on the display.

“Mum!” she answered rapidly. “I can’t talk right now, I have to see—”

Julie cut her off. “Honey, where are you?”

She frowned. “I’m just leaving an appointment. I’ll ring you later because I have to—”

“Leaving an appointment? I don’t understand, Finlay. You need to hurry up!”

Tucking the phone between her ear and shoulder, Fin slipped the photo carefully in her purse. “Hurry up? Mum, what are you talking about?”

Pressing the speaker button, Fin put the phone down and backed out of the little car park. A muffled sound came through the phone as she inched her car into traffic. Her mother’s voice began cutting in and out.

“Mum, can I ring you back a bit later?” she called loudly. “I can’t hear you!”

Fin checked her mirrors and blind spot carefully before changing lanes.

“Ryan … base ….” came through.

“What?” Her pulse sped up. How did her mother know where she was going? “Mum? I’m on way to see Ryan now, is that what you mean?”

More crackling.

“Dammit,” Fin muttered as she slowed down for a red light. “Mum, are you there? Where are you?”

“We’re at the base,” came through loud and clear.

“At the barracks? What are you doing there?”

She heard the slam of a car door. “Oh wait, Mike,” her mother said, “I just need to get those cards out of the car.”

“Mum!”

The car behind Fin tooted and she looked up, realising the light was green. She waved her hand in apology and accelerated, almost growling with frustration when her mother’s voice began to crackle again.

“Mum, I’m going to hang up now, okay? I’m on my way to see Ryan and then I have to get back to work. I’ll speak to you tonight.”

“Honey. We’re at Base Pearce.”

All the blood drained from Fin’s face until she felt faint. “What?” she whispered. “You’re at the airfield? Mum? Why …” She licked her lips. “Why are you there?”

Her mother’s indrawn breath came through clearly. “Finlay.”

“I thought they weren’t leaving for another two days.”

“The troops are flying out today. Now.”

“A-are you sure?”

“Yes, honey. We received word of the date and time of their deployment through the DFA support group. I’m sorry. I thought you would have already known.”

Fin’s knuckles went white on the steering wheel. Ryan was getting on the same plane that took her brother away, and he was going
right now.
She wasn’t ready. He couldn’t leave. Not yet. She needed to see him. He couldn’t leave without her seeing him.

Fin took a right turn and put her foot down on the accelerator, for the first time wishing her little environmentally friendly car knew how to move.

“Mum, how long do I have?”

“A little over an hour.”