Fighting Redemption (22 page)

He nodded. His mother was right. She wasn’t strong, but the type of people his parents were only made him work twice as hard to be everything they weren’t. “Are you happier?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be that, but I’m better. What about you?”

His mind went immediately to Fin, his pulse racing at the knowledge she was tucked safely in his heart. He smiled at his mother. “I’m getting there.”

Ryan strode out the door.

“Ryan!” she called out, and his chest tightened at the memory of that voice calling him inside when he was little. He turned. “Call me sometime. If you want to. My number’s listed.”

He nodded and gave her a casual salute before getting in his car.

“Well that went well.”

Ryan started the car and wiped the light sheen of sweat from his brow. “You think, Jake?”

“I don’t think. I’m just a voice in your head, remember?”

“Is this you reminding me about letting you go or risk being a looney tune again?”

“Just read my letter, Kendall.”

“Why? So I have to say goodbye to you forever?”

“There are no goodbyes in life. Only see you later.”

Ryan followed the coastline as he drove from the northside of the city back to Fremantle. His eyes fell on Mettams Beach where Mike and Julie always took them on the weekends.

“Stop here, Kendall.”

Ryan pulled into the car park and switched off the ignition. Sitting back in his car, he gazed out to the horizon.

“Remember that day we snuck off with Dad’s paint and immortalised ourselves in stone?”

He did. They’d only been thirteen and had snuck the paint inside their bag of towels. When Mike and Julie had taken Fin to go snorkelling, they ran off down the beach and used Mike’s good brushes and house paint to plaster their names over the rocks. After getting caught, they were both supposed to come back and scrub it off but never did.

“Do you think it’s still there, Tanner?”

“Go look.”

Swinging the door open, he got out of the car and breathed in the fresh, salty air. Reaching back in, he grabbed Jake’s letter out of the glove box. After taking off his shoes and putting them in the car, he rolled up the legs of his jeans and trudged along the sand towards the rocks where he and Jake had spent hours plotting their future missions as soldiers.

It took him awhile to remember where their names were, but he found them. Swallowing the lump in this throat, he ran his fingers over the worn paint.

“What are you putting, Kendall?”

Ryan turned and grinned at Jake, the harsh sun beating down on his bare chest. He held the paintbrush aloft, white flecks speckling the rocks they were crouched over.
“Ryan rocks!”

Jake guffawed loudly.
“You’re a dick.”

“At least mine’s a big one. What are you putting?”

“I’m already finished.”

Ryan stood up, balancing across the rocks to peer over Jake’s shoulders. He read it silently.
‘Jake Tanner. Who Dares Wins.’

His mouth fell open as he looked at Jake.
“You put the SAS soldier motto.”

Jake grinned down at him. His blond hair was tousled from the sea and sand, his green eyes flashing with excitement.
“Yep. You don’t think I’m letting you do this alone, do you?”

Ryan swallowed hard at the memory. “Fuck you, Jake,” he whispered as the breeze fluttered his hair. “You went and left and now I’m doing it alone after all.” He waited for an answer, but he didn’t hear anything except the sound of waves crashing against the rocks.

As the sun slipped across the sky, he eventually slid his finger under the opening of the envelope and pulled out the sheet of paper. Tears blurred his vision as he unfolded the single page. He waited for them to pass before his eyes fell on the words.

Kendall,

Sleeping during training was bad enough, but leaving you alone to finish what we started together is probably taking it a bit far, huh?

I’m sorry.

Despite what you always said, out of the both of us it was you that was the strongest. The only difference was that I smiled a little easier, but we both know why that is. You and Fin have each other now. Take care of her for me. She has such a big heart and most of it is filled with you. Remember when she was fourteen and trying to learn the clarinet? We both wanted to jab hot pokers in our ears to make it stop. I know that’s how you felt when I played my guitar, but that’s what you get for putting those baked beans down my pants. Yeah, I knew that was you.

I want you to give my guitar to Fin. She doesn’t know how to play it, but she’ll learn. She can carry on the Tanner tradition of playing good music badly and annoy the shit out of you in my place.

Remember the day we sliced our palms open with mum’s kitchen knife and shook hands? Do you remember what I said?

Ryan closed his eyes and pulled the memory from his mind. It was only weeks after the paint incident at the beach and night time. The full moon had washed the backyard with pale light as they sat cross legged opposite each other in the grass.

“Jake? What are you doing?”
Fin called out from the back patio door.

“Nothing, Fin. Go away!”
Jake yelled back, a frown marring his face.

“I saw you come out with that knife. You better not be doing anything bad with it or I’ll tell Mum.”

“Mind your own business!”

“It’s nothing bad, Fin,”
Ryan called, his eyes seeking her out in the soft light.
“Promise.”

Her eyes were wide as she nodded at him.
“Okay, Ryan,”
she replied, and with a brief look at Jake, she went back inside.

Jake raised a brow at him.
“She always listens to you.”

Ryan grinned.
“That’s because I’m the voice of authority.”

Jake reached over and shoved his shoulder, laughing when Ryan flew back into the grass.
“Maybe in your own mind, asshole. Now give me the knife. I want to go first.”

With a shrug, Ryan sat up, brushing grass from his hair as he handed it over. He watched Jake fist the sharp paring knife in his left hand and slice deeply into the thick flesh of his right palm.

“Fuck, Jake. I don’t think it’s supposed to be that deep.”

He grinned at Ryan as blood dripped down his palm.
“No pain, no gain. Your turn.”

Jake handed over the knife and Ryan took it. A sharp searing burn rolled through his stomach as it cut through his skin. Dropping the knife to the ground, Ryan looked up, his dark eyes locking on Jake’s green ones, and held out his hand.
“Brothers until the end.”

Jake took hold, his grip firm, and squeezed Ryan’s hand hard enough for a trickle of blood to travel the length of his forearm.
“There is no end. Brothers forever.”

“Brothers forever,” Ryan said out loud. Despite his heart aching, he smiled at the memory and went back to the letter.

Don’t ever forget those words.

I love you, brother.

Jake.

“Jake, you saved my life,” he muttered gruffly. Where would Ryan have been without Jake in his life? Jake had given him a past filled with happy memories and a reason to keep breathing. “You saved my life and you didn’t even know it.”

“How did he do that?”

Ryan jolted at the sound of Fin’s voice from behind him. He twisted around, shielding his eyes in the sun as he looked up at her. She was wearing a thin, yellow dress with tiny straps that were slipping off her bony shoulders. A pair of brown sandals dangled from her right hand as she focused her eyes on the letter clutched in his fingers.

“I love the two of you. I just want you both happy, you know what I’m saying, don’t you?”

“He gave me you,” Ryan said softly. He folded the letter carefully and returned it to the envelope, trying not to notice how his hands shook slightly with the action.

“You’ve always had me,” she said simply as he tucked it into his back pocket.

“Come here,” he told her, patting the rock surface between his legs.

Fin walked gingerly over to the rocks and settled herself between his legs. He urged her back until she relaxed against his chest, her forearms resting on his thighs.

“How did you know I was here?”

Fin’s head fell back, resting in the crook of his neck. “Rach rang. She saw your car and thought we were at the beach. I came down because I was worried about you,” she admitted.

“I’m okay.”

“Then why are you sitting here alone?”

Ryan tilted his head and pressed a kiss against her temple. “Because I went to see my parents today.”

“Oh, Ryan.” Her fingers dug into his legs. “Tell me?”

“My sister died when I was seven,” Ryan told her, tired of keeping it to himself. For too long the loss had weighed him down.

“What?” she breathed. She tried to turn, but he locked his arms around her so she couldn’t move.

“Just … let me get this out.”

She nodded mutely against him.

“There were only two years between us, but she annoyed the crap out of me. She’d take my toys and draw on them in bright coloured texta and it wouldn’t come off. Everything of mine she touched, she would break. Not purposely. She was just careless and clumsy. She was so much like you, Fin, with her big eyes and sweet smile. She would have been your age now, but she didn’t make it past five years old.”

“It sounds like she spent a lot of time trying to get your attention. She looked up to you, just like I do, Ryan.”

“She did look up to me,” Ryan whispered thickly. “It’s so easy to see that now.”

“What was her name?”

“Kassidy.”

“Kassidy Kendall,” Fin repeated.

His sister’s name sounded so beautiful coming from Fin’s lips, as though it somehow brought Kass back to life.

“What happened to her?”

He closed his eyes and told her.

“Mum!”
he yelled loudly, grabbing the football as he flew out the front door.
“Going outside to kick the footy around.”

“Don’t go far,”
she called out from the kitchen.
“Dinner won’t be long!”

“Can I come too, Ryan?”
Kassidy hollere
d
.

“No, Kass. You can’t catch properly. You’re all thumbs.”

“Mum!”
Kassidy wailed.
“Ryan won’t let me play.”

“Ryan,”
sh
e
replied, the warning evident in her tone.
“Let your sister join in or you can go straight to your room.”

“Fine!”
he shouted angrily.

Seconds later Kassidy came flying out the front door with a big grin on her face.

“Keep an eye on her, Ryan,”
his mum yelled.

Ryan kicked the ball hard and laughed when she fumbled and it dropped to the ground.
“Good catch.”

Kassidy pursed her lips and grabbing the ball, she kicked it back hard and Ryan’s mouth fell open.
“Hey, that wasn’t a bad kick.”
Instead of ditching her like he planned, Ryan returned the ball back to her, more gently this time.
“Let’s see you do that again.”

Kassidy did it again, and again.

“Wait!”
Ryan told her when she went to kick it back.
“Let’s see who can kick it the farthest.”

“Okay.”
Kassidy grinned, glowing under the attention.
“Watch this, Ryan!”

She lined up the ball and stepped back a few paces. She looked at Ryan and smiled happily before running at the ball, putting her boot hard into the underside. It flew wide, out over the lawn. Ryan’s eyes watched as it curved and fell down with a loud
thwack
onto the street.

He turned to Kassidy.
“Wait here, I’ll go get it.”
But he was talking to air.
“Kass! No!”
he called out when he saw her little legs pumping hard towards the street to retrieve the ball.
“Kassidy!”
he screamed.

His pulse racing, he took off after his sister, hearing the squeal of tyres and the sickening thud of her body slamming hard into the ground before he saw it.

Ryan’s legs flew across the thick grass, barely noticing the stones cutting into his feet. His heart lodged in his throat when he knelt by her twisted body. She was covered with so much blood it hurt just to look at her.

She blinked her eyes open.
“Ryan? I don’t feel so good.”

Someone was shouting behind him, but the loud roar in his ears blocked it all out. He looked into her big brown eyes.
“You’re gonna be okay, Kass.”

She tried nodding and winced.
“Did you see my kick?”
she whispered.

“I did,”
he replied, tears falling thick and fast down his face.
“You kick a ball better than I do.”

She coughed and flecks of blood spattered his shirt.

“Oh God,”
he moaned as he heard the wail of sirens in the distance.

Kassidy swallowed.
“Ryan? Are there kittens in Heaven? Daddy never let me have one and it’s the only thing I ever wanted.”

He sniffed messily and wiped his face with his sleeve.
“There are kittens in Heaven, but you’re not going there, you’re staying here. Stay here with me, Kass. I’ll get you a kitten, I promise.”

Fin’s chest heaved with sobs as she turned and grabbed him in her arms.

“She died before the ambulance arrived. That was the day I lost my entire family. My mother didn’t come out of her room for weeks and Dad blamed me for all of it. I let him. I wanted to take her place, just like I did with Jake.” He wrapped his arms around Fin and buried his face in her neck as the guilt flooded to the surface. “If I could take his place, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I would, Fin. Jake wasn’t meant to die. It should have been me.” His voice broke and he let the tears fall down his face and drip into her soft hair as he held her tightly. “It should have been me,” he whispered hoarsely.

Fin pushed him away and he forced himself to meet her eyes. They flashed with anger. “Don’t say that,” she ordered, her voice fierce. “Don’t you say that. It shouldn’t have been either of you ... but you came home, Ryan,” she choked out. “You came home and God help me, I’m so relieved you’re here that it burns me from the inside out.”