Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel (22 page)

Water drips down my face and off my chin as I continue to stare at myself in the mirror. This is happening whether I like it or not. Running away isn’t going to make it disappear, but I certainly could do what she’s asking – not for her and certainly not for him, but for me. Why not try to let the wound heal? There’s no reason I need to participate. Just stay quiet. Just ignore them all and go on with my life like it is. I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do – not anymore. I can just hunker down like I used to. I could win an award having mastered that. No one cares about all of the pain that I suffered in silence. The years I’ve remained silent when inside all I want to do is scream and scream and scream.

The urge to leave and go somewhere to find comfort is terrifying in its strength. I want to lose myself in the feelings of flesh against flesh, matching desire against desire. There’s no illusion to sex, no secret hiding behind it. There’s one goal, one outcome. It’s all about feeling good and achieving a high, just like a drug.

I’ve tried other kinds of highs before – various chemicals to help me reach the peak I crave, but it wasn’t for me - too hardcore, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. With sex, there’s power. I can control or demand, give or take, as much or as little as I want.

Gripping the edge of the sink in my hands, I grit my teeth and fight the urge. Fight the desire to give in and go out. Like a savior, Ryder’s face flashes before my eyes. I see him across the bar for the first time, I see him bloody and needing stitched up. I see his eyes in my mind. How they shine in delight when he laughs and crinkle in the corners. I see his smirk when he’s amused at himself or me and I see the sincerity in them when he told me he wants to get to know me. I also see the possessiveness when he said there would be no sharing. Part of me thinks he would be better off if I would just end this. Getting close to me, is dangerous. There is no way that this is going to end well, no way at all. Pretending it will isn’t right. It’s not fair to him. He deserves much better than me.

But then – in the recesses of my memory, I hear him tenderly telling me again that we both have pasts. But that they don’t matter. That we both want more. And I do. I don’t want to let my past win. I don’t want to let it in. I refuse to. I’m stronger than that. Better than that. With each thought, my grip eases and my feelings of inadequacy fade. Breathing is easier now and when my phone rings again, this time seeing Ryder’s name on the screen, I’m able to smile once more as I pick up the phone and ask him to come over.

***

When I open the door and find him standing there, we both pause. It’s like we want to take a moment to soak up the sheer joy of just seeing each other before we interrupt the feeling with words. Simply clad in jeans and a black t-shirt, I’m practically drooling at the sight. He could wear ugly checkered parachute pants from the 1980s and still turn heads. My eyes travel down his tatted arms, across his chest and down his stomach. Damn he’s fine.

He opens his mouth to probably say hello, but before he utters a sound, I put my mouth on his. Somehow, I always seem to surprise him with my kisses. He’s unmovable initially, but once he recovers, he wraps his arms around me and meets each demand of my mouth with his own. Gripping the front of his shirt in my hands, I pull him across the threshold, close the door behind him with a kick of my foot and then push him up against it while putting my mouth right back where I want it.

Pulling away from me, his eyes are wide, breaths coming fast, “Well hello to you too.”

I can’t stop staring at his mouth. The suppressed needs from earlier have manifested again with one look at this man. All I can think about is how I want both of us to get naked. Now.

“Tessa?”

When my eyes meet his, I’m not sure what he sees in mine. Desire for sure, but I swear he sees something deeper. Sees that I’m struggling, that I need him to calm something within me, that I need to connect and the only way I know how is to take what I want. Whatever it is he sees, it makes him nod once. “Bedroom?” he asks gruffly.

Without a word, I turn and walk down the hall, him on my heels. He closes the door behind us and turns me to face him. Before he says a word, his eyes travel my room before resting on my large poster bed. His eyes find mine again, his thumb brushing my cheek. He kisses me, just a brush of his lips on my own, before he pulls away. I want more. “Tell me.”

“What?” I ask, not sure what he’s saying.

“Tell me what you want.”

I try to pull away from him, but he holds me fast, not willing to let me go. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes. You do.” He touches his forehead to mine and sighs deeply, “Tessa, you can’t hide from me, not with this, I’ve worn this same look. Now tell me… what do you need?”

Looking into his eyes I search for judgment, but I find none. All I see before me is a man who understands how I’m feeling because he’s been there himself. At that moment, there’s no other option but honesty. “Something to hold onto, something to hold onto me. I need to lose myself in…in connection. I want to be seen, heard, felt, and wanted.”

He nods and then his eyes travel over my body. I’m wearing jeans and a loose tunic - my feet are bare. “Let’s start with removing your clothes,” he says and I’m shocked immobile.

“But, you haven’t wanted to-”

He puts his finger on my lips, reminding me of when I did the same thing to him and the action makes me smile. “We aren’t going to have sex,” he says and I feel my body sag in disappointment but more than that, embarrassment. I told him what I need like he asked. I opened myself up to him and he’s refusing me. I feel ashamed and tricked.

“Stop it,” he says sharply.

“What?”

“Stop that line of thought right now. I can see it all over your face. We’re not going to have sex, no. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to take care of you. That doesn’t mean that your needs, or what you told me, is wrong.”

“Ryder, I feel silly.”

“Don’t. I will always provide for you whatever you need. A laugh, advice, a shoulder, a taco-” I giggle at that and he smiles. “Never feel silly for telling me what you want.”

His mouth meets my own and he traces the bottom of my lip with his tongue. He sighs and I open for him. When his tongue touches my own, I let out a soft moan at the feeling. He’s kissing me sweetly and softly. His hands move to my plaid shirt and he begins unbuttoning it. As he undoes each button, the back of his fingers drag down the front of me inch by inch as he moves lower and lower. My breath catches in my throat at the sensation, and I break our kiss and drop my head back reveling in the feeling.

His mouth finds my neck and kisses me gently, “I’m going to show you what it means to have someone give to you, and not just take from you.” His whispered words make goose bumps spread like a wild fire up my body from my toes to my scalp. I shiver and he laughs. “Do you like the sound of that?” I think I moan because I’m not capable of speech.

Without further conversation he opens the snap of my jeans and unzips the zipper. Leaning down, he slides the jeans down my legs and I step out of them, leaving me standing in my white lace bra and matching panties. I lift my head and open my eyes to find him staring at my body. He takes his fingertips and traces circles around my areolas through the lace of my bra making my nipples stand on end. “Beautiful,” he murmurs.

Lifting me up, he carries me to my bed and places me in the center. His body follows mine and it feels sexy and sinful having his fully clothed body against my almost bare one. He thrusts his hands into my hair and grasps handfuls. It’s pleasurable and stimulating at the same time. He kisses me hard and thorough. There’s no question about him also being turned on. When he places his body on mine I can feel his hardness against my thigh.

He breaks the kiss and begins trailing kisses down my body. My collarbone, my chest, between my breasts. He looks up at me as he playfully bites my nipple through my bra making me laugh. My laugh cuts off abruptly when he pulls the lace aside and wraps his lips around my nipple and sucks. The feeling fires straight to my clit and I involuntarily pump my hips in need.

Moving his hands to my back, he unclasps my bra and slides the straps down my shoulders before throwing it off the side of the bed. He returns his attention to my breasts, lavishing them both with his tongue. Nibbling on them with his teeth. Sucking and tasting them so thoroughly I swear I could orgasm from the feelings he’s invoking from that alone.

“Ryder,” I whisper in need. “Feels so good.”

He sighs deeply and his kisses begin moving down again. Anticipation makes heat pool between my legs. A kiss on my belly. A kiss on one hip, and then the other. My body begins to writhe on the bed, my body betraying exactly what I’d like to happen next. Stopping him with my hands, I sit up. Quickly, I grasp the bottom of his shirt and lift it over his head. Throwing it over the side of my bed, I smile. He looks hesitant at first, but as soon as my hands explore his chest, it goes out the window. He’s all hard curves and edges and I can’t get enough of him. Tracing the design of his tattoos with my finger tips, I circle one of his nipples that’s pierced. “This is hot.” I tell him.

“You like that?”

“I do. But how can you have that as a fighter?”

“I take it out during fights so it doesn’t get ripped off.”

Lowering my head, I kiss his chest. I’m shocked when he pushes me back down on the bed and shakes his head, “No more of that.”

Sticking my lower lip out in a pout, he’s quickly forgiven when he starts leaving kisses down my body again. When he reaches my lace covered core, I can feel the heat of his breath through my panties. Holding my breath in anticipation, I almost die when he traces a single finger tip down the seam of my sex. A slow moan escapes me and he laughs knowing exactly what he’s doing to me.

He kisses the inside of my thighs and even kisses me softly through the lace. Just when I think I can’t take his teasing another moment, he wrenches my panties to the side so quickly that when his tongue tastes me for the first time, it’s startling. The feeling is glorious and I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven.

My eyes roll back in my head and it’s all I can do to not fly off the edge so soon. He takes his time with me, and I fight the need to climax because I want to enjoy the pleasures he’s bringing me longer. I shouldn’t have worried; he takes his time.

Licking, tasting, teasing, he does it all. My hands are gripping his head, and my moaning is out of control. Every single bit of concentration I have is between my legs right now. When I lift up to look down at him, his eyes meet mine and it’s so erotic, I explode in orgasm. Wave after wave of intense pleasure sweeps over me blessing me with the sweetest release.

He lifts up and looks at me with a soft smile on his face. I sit up once more and grasp his face in my hands and place a small kiss on his lips. I’m turned on further when he deepens the kiss. Rising up to my knees, I straddle his lap, “Ryder. Please. Forget everything else. I want you.”

A look of uncertainty crosses his features and the struggle on his face is plain. I can see he wants it too so it’s not as if I’m taking advantage of him - I silently tell myself. I can’t help it. Need pulses through me and I want nothing more than to have him inside of me. I want to feel us moving as one. Make him feel as good as he’s made me feel.

As he stares into my eyes, my hands run down his chest until they find the front of his jeans. Rubbing the bulge I find there, I undo the snap, slide down the zipper and reach inside his pants. “Fuck,” he murmurs as I begin stroking him. His eyes close and he licks his lips, his breathing getting more and more shallow.

“Please,” I beg with absolutely no shame.

His eyes open and he stares deeply into my own. I stare at him and let him see everything. How much I want him. How this is about nothing other than the two of us, right here, right now, and the need and desire he makes me feel. He cups my face, his thumb brushing my cheek. He moves toward me, easing me back to the bed, the tip of him barely touching my entrance.

He exhales slowly.

I inhale in anticipation.

Then suddenly, a screeching resounds through the room so loud it makes Ryder shoot off the bed like a shot. He grabs me and has me in the center of his arms in seconds. Wrapping his arms around me protectively, he looks around the room. “What the hell is that?”

It takes us a full thirty seconds before we realize it’s the fire alarm. Ironic, and so damn reflective of my life. Well, at least the fireman is already in the house.