Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel (35 page)

“You’ll never be anything special do you hear me, Rowan? No one will ever love you. No man will ever stay. You’re not worthy.”

Words I’ve heard over and over again so many times, I’ve lost count. It’s so stupid that I actually thought that today would be any different. It may be my sixteenth birthday, but the shameful truth is, my mother doesn’t care. It’s not special, not to her at least.

When I arrive home from school she’s actually sober for once and I’m momentarily excited and relieved thinking it will be a good night. The fact that she actually remembers that today is my birthday is a good sign. When she suggests that we go ahead and leave for dinner even though my twin brother Tyson isn’t home yet, I quickly agree. I’ll agree to anything if it means she will keep her good mood. I’ve learned any hesitance, disagreement or question can make her mood change in the blink of an eye, and I really, really don’t want that to happen today of all days.

Feeling excited that she lets me pick my favorite diner, Al’s, to go to for dinner, I’m positive we are off to a great start. Maybe this birthday will be different. Maybe she’ll even take Tyson and I to get our drivers licenses this weekend so we don’t have to take the bus. I momentarily feel bad again that Tyson isn’t here because it’s his birthday too, but I just go with the flow and do what she wants me to do.

Ordering my favorite BLT sandwich with fries, I begin happily digging into my food when it arrives making small talk about my day. “I saw Tyson at lunch and he seemed like he was having a good day too. His friends even sang happy birthday to him even when he started punching a couple of them,” I laugh.”

My first warning came when she orders a beer immediately when we sit down. When she drinks it quickly and promptly orders another, the little hairs on the back of my neck rise in trepidation. Forcing myself to ignore the feeling and her drinking, I keep talking.

“Then Mia, you remember her, right? She gave me a gift and it was wrapped in really pretty blue paper that said happy birthday all over it. I tried to open it slowly because I didn’t want to rip it, but she laughed and told me to go faster. It was a book I’ve really been wanting to read. It’s the one about the girl that likes a boy only she finds out that his family isn’t what they appear; they are all vampires. Mia told me that he even sparkles in the sun, mom. Isn’t that cool? Remember, how I told you about that book?”

I’m babbling trying desperately to hold her interest. She looks at me a couple times and nods absently, but I lose her completely when a family sitting in the booth across from us distracts her. Out of the corner of my eye I see a mother, father and two children enjoying a meal together. Upon closer inspection it appears that the boy at the table is about my age, and he has a younger sister. He parents are sitting on one side of the table, the children on the other. My mom is facing the parents and I can tell she’s taking in the couple, the envy mixed with curiosity, want, and anger clear on her face.

“My gift from Erica was this bracelet,” I hold up my wrist and watch how the thin silver bracelet with the small half heart sparkles even in the poor lighting of the diner. “Isn’t it pretty? She has one that attaches to the heart; see how it’s only half? She laughed that it may be kind of immature for our age, but I don’t think so. I really love it.”

She doesn’t answer. She’s too busy flagging down the waitress to order another beer. I have a bad feeling churning in my stomach, my heart starts to beat faster, and I can feel tears press against the back of my eyes.

She hasn’t looked away from the family so I turn to look at them as well, too curious what she’s finding so interesting. I stare openly, even though it’s rude, desperate to understand what it is that’s holding her attention. The man is sitting close to his wife, her hand in his on top of the table. They are listening to something their son is saying and when they laugh, they look at each other clearly passing a look sharing their amusement. I’m embarrassed, feeling my cheeks flush, when the man catches me staring, and gives me a soft smile. I start to return it but quickly look away when my mom hisses my name, “Rowan!”

Turning to her wide eyed and embarrassed at being caught, my stomach drops because I know the tone of her voice very well. Her mood has officially turned and the night will be far from pleasant. She’s clearly feeling the buzz of the alcohol she’s consumed so far, and I know she’s far from finished. Ripping money out of her wallet, she throws it on the table, not caring that I haven’t finished my food, or that we haven’t received a bill. “Let’s go. Right now.”

Knowing better than to argue, I slip out of my side of the booth and wordlessly make my way out the door with my mom. I can’t help but spare one last look at the family over my shoulder, longing filling my heart and soul.

Gripping my arm tight enough to bruise, she drags me to the car. Knowing better than to cry out at the pain she’s causing, I bite my lip and walk as fast as I can. When I trip, her nails slice my arm, drawing blood. “Dammit, Rowan. You’re such a fucking klutz. Move it.”

Finally getting to the car, the minute our doors slam, she starts in. “Did you get a good look at that family? The family that you wish you had instead of the one God gave you?”

“Mom, I was just-“

“Shut up, stupid girl. I saw the way you were looking at them. Do you think I’m stupid? You were looking at them wishing you could be with them instead of me. Don’t you dare judge me you stupid bitch! It’s not my fault your father left us. He didn’t want you two brats. It’s the family curse. I knew it would happen, I knew it. But I hoped… I hoped, but I was wrong. My mom warned me, but I didn’t listen.”

I remain silent. I’ve heard this so many times I’ve lost count. I find myself once again wishing for Tyson. For some reason she isn’t as harsh to me when he’s around. Not that he hasn’t heard the same thing I have over, and over, but he always does his best to protect me and be a buffer when it comes to our mother.

“She told me that just like her, and her mother before her, that men always leave. We aren’t worthy of love. We aren’t worthy of commitment. Our family is cursed. Men come and go, but never stay. Believe me, I’ve tried. I stupidly thought your father was the one. And he would have been but then I fucked up and got pregnant. As soon as he found out he was gone. I should have gotten rid of you but I didn’t have the chance. He was gone the same day I told him and what the hell did it even matter at that point? At least I would have two children that have to love me. That have to stay.”

The only time I learn tidbits about my father is during her painful rants. She reveals a little bit more each time. I don’t even know his name. I know that they went to high school together, that he played basketball, and that she says he was very smart. My mom got pregnant with us right out of high school, and while he went on to college, she did not. We lived with my grandmother for a while and then jumped from house to house. Usually we’d move in with whatever man she was dating at the time – until they’d leave or she would leave because of “the curse” and then we would go off somewhere else. Always staying at my grandmother’s in between men. When my grandmother died from lung cancer, my mom moved into her house permanently. Now, even though men still come and go, at least we don’t have to go from place to place any longer.

“Did you see the way that man looked at you? He may have been with his family and looking like he cares about them, but he looked at you with lust in his eyes. I can tell you right now if his family wasn’t with him, he would have tried to have his way with you.” Her words disgust me and I know they aren’t true, but once again I know better than to argue with her. My thoughts on the subject aren’t relevant to her. “Just remember that, Rowan. Men are assholes and aren’t worthy of your love and attention, because they won’t stick around long anyway. You’re a Martin. You aren’t worthy of love any more than the Martin women before you.”

We pull into a gas station and I wait in the car as she gets out, knowing she’s going to stock up on beer. Hopefully it’s only alcohol and not drugs this time, but really, I should know better than to hope. She’s worse when she mixes the drugs and alcohol. With alcohol she remains somewhat coherent, but with the drugs, her words are harsher and eventually she’s not even aware of anything going on around her. She’ll have men over and not even care if they do inappropriate things right in front of me. One time a man tried to leave her and hurt me. He had me pinned against the wall when suddenly Tyson was there with a knife in hand. The man laughed but backed off and Tyson and I left the house for several hours until they passed out.

Both of us spend a lot of time behind locked and closed doors when we are home. A lot of times when Tyson and I leave the house we go to the library. It’s my favorite thing to do. I love to lose myself in someone else’s world. Sometimes, I dream that I’m one of the characters that I’m reading about and that I’m far away from here.

Tyson promises me we will get out of here as soon as we turn eighteen. I hope he’s right. The thought of going somewhere new, somewhere we can start over, is one of my favorite. Starting over with just my brother and no alcohol, no drugs, and no mom. Maybe it’s wrong because she’s my mother, but I want to get away from her. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.

Immediately feeling guilty for my thoughts, I try to give my mom a smile when she returns to the car.

“What are you smiling about? When we get home, I want you to get your ass to your room. And your brother too, if that little troublemaker has decided to grace us with his presence by then. Where the hell is he anyway?”

“I’m not sure,” I lie. “He said he had to get something from his friend Jeffrey after basketball practice today.” Truth is, he’s working his after school job at the car wash. He’s saving every penny he makes so when we leave, we have money to get an apartment and live for a month or so before we have to get jobs, he said. If my mom knew, she would take all his money and spend it on drugs and alcohol, so I make excuses whenever she’s coherent enough to notice he’s not around. Sometimes I work in the library after school. They pay me too and I save it all as well dreaming of the day we can start over.

“Yeah right. He just doesn’t want to be around you anymore that I do. Even on your birthday. He probably hates the fact that he’s your twin and has to share a birthday with you.” She laughs at herself and that’s all it takes for a tear to slip from my eye. I was holding it in as tightly as I could, she doesn’t deserve my tears, but I couldn’t any longer. I feel angry with myself. I know better than to let her see any emotion.

“Oh that’s right you big baby. Cry. Cry all you want. It’s not going to matter. News flash. No one cares.” She’s wrong. Tyson would care.

When we finally pull into the driveway, I practically throw myself out of the car and run into the house not stopping until I get to the safety of my room. Locking the door behind me I shut out my mother’s cruel laughter. Walking to my bed, I reach under it and pull out the gift that Tyson gave me this morning. It’s a travel book. Inside are thousands of places in the United States. The book talks about each. Closing my eyes, I flip through the pages until I randomly land on one and begin to read about it. Columbus, Ohio. I wouldn’t mind moving there. Fact is, I would move anywhere if it meant not being here.

Reaching back under my bed, I take out my old CD player. I hide all the things I don’t want my mom to find under here, she’s too lazy to check under my bed. Putting my headphones into my ears, I turn the music up loudly, and then begin to read. Flipping pages and dreaming about a new place, I use music and the captivating pictures in front of me to drown out the words that keep replaying in my mind, “
No one will ever love you
.
You’re not worthy.
” Closing my eyes, another tear falls down my face, and I know full well that like it or not, they’ve already embedded themselves in my heart.