Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel (26 page)

“It is, right?”

“It really is. It’s beautiful.”

“You know,” Ryder says as he watches me look at the sky. “I guess we’re crossing something off of my bucket list tonight. Something I didn’t even know was on it.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“I’ve never star gazed before.”

“You haven’t? Not ever?” I ask.

“No, not like this. I mean sure, I’ve looked up at the stars before, but never through a telescope. I bought it so we could use it tonight. It’s pretty cool.”

“It is. Thank you for doing this. It’s wonderful. And I’m glad we could cross this off your list.” I take my eye away and look at him instead. Another amazing sight, truth be told. “You know, I think this is one of my favorite things about Arizona.”

“What is?”

“The sky. I mean, the nights here are so clear. When things feel… I don’t know… I guess overwhelming sometimes, doing something as simple as looking at the sky can remind you that there are so many bigger things going on in the world and then suddenly, the huge thing you were so worried about before, seems much smaller.”

“I like that,” he says. He moves me into his arms and we lie back together and look at the sky. My hand rests in his, and I can hear the slow and steady inhale and exhale of each breath he takes. There’s a soft breeze in the air and it kisses our skin as if it’s trying to say hello.

“Tessa…” Ryder whispers. Without moving my head from the sky above I answer, “Yes?” He’s quiet for a moment and I start to think that maybe he’s not going to say anything after all. “What’s something that you’d like to do, but you’re too scared to try?”

This time, I do turn my head to look at him, “What makes you ask me that?”

“There’s something that I never thought I would be able to feel again. But I think… I think maybe it happened when I wasn’t paying attention.”

I’m afraid to ask. I’m not sure I’m going to, but before I can think about it for long, my lips betray me, “What is it?”

“I don’t think I’m going to say,” he says while studying me intently.

“Why not?” I whisper.

“Because I’m scared. And I don’t know if it’s the actual feeling that I’m scared of, or its imminent revelation.”

I’d like to be the kind of girl that could look at him and tell him right here and right now, that I’m falling in love with him. That when I least expected it he somehow found his way into the shut off closed pieces of my soul and somehow chiseled out his own place there. I wish I could kiss him deeply, snuggle in his arms, and daydream of a future with him. I wish I could make love with him here, now, under the stars. I wish for all of these things and more, but instead, I remain quiet. Not letting him know how I feel one way or the other. Not letting him know that I know exactly what he’s talking about. Because, although he may not know the answer to his question, I already know what it is that scares me more. And it isn’t the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him.

No. What I’m scared of is how he will react when he realizes whom he’s actually fallen in love with. What I’ve done. And not done.

And I can’t let that happen.

He deserves better.

Last night was an amazing night with Tessa. There’s only one thing that could have made it more perfect. If I had finally been brave enough to tell her how I feel about her. I started to, I even hinted at it, but it just wasn’t right yet. I worry I may have scared her off a bit with my intimation, and that’s the last thing I want to do. I backed off and we just laid and looked at the stars – quiet, for quite some time, and then we mechanically packed up and I took her home. It seemed we were both in deep thought.

After my pathetic ineffective attempt to tell her how I feel, she was quiet. And withdrawn – not cold – but at an arm’s length, emotionally. Part of me wants to believe it was due to the calming and relaxing tone of our evening, but I’m likely deluding myself. Something was off. She didn’t say one single word the entire ride back to her house. I attempted to pursue the conversation about her bucket list items, but she wasn’t very receptive. I held out hope that when we got to her place she would invite me in, but once we were at her door she yawned and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, dismissing me into the night. After she closed the door, I stood there and momentarily contemplated knocking and demanding her to tell me what was on her mind, but wisely retreated to my car instead.

Most people would think it’s not real – the way I feel about Tessa. That we’ve only been together a short time and yet I’m certain of how I feel. While the depths of my feelings are foreign to me, they are nonetheless, undeniably real. Those same people would be amazed to learn that I know exactly what being in love feels like. How she’s all you can think about. How seeing her makes your stomach feel like you’re on a fast ride. How you just get through each day minute by minute, sometimes second by second, until you can talk to or see her again. How you want to make her happy and protect her and share life with her. How you know you can have a life without her, but you really don’t want to. It’s both exciting and fucking terrifying. Because I know better than anyone how having that in your life is precious, how you should hold onto it fucking tight because it’s almost impossible to recover from such loss.

Being with Tessa on an intimate level is almost painful. My need for her is all consuming, however the urgency to have more of her is still there of course; but it’s tamed, controlled. Holy fuck, I want to have her in every way possible. And I want to act out all the fantasies I’ve had about her. The ways I’ll finally make her come flow through my mind daily. But, I know that when the time is right, it will all happen. There’s no point in forcing it before the time is right. I’m not going anywhere and I sure as hell don’t want to fuck it up.

I can’t help but laugh at myself. I’ve sure come a long way. It’s… nice. I feel alive again.

As I walk into the fire station, I sip on my hot coffee and head straight to my locker so I can deposit my bag. I brought a change of clothes to train in when my shift is over. I may have just won a fight, but the next one will be on the horizon soon, I have no doubt. And no one remembers any victory of the past, it’s the current one that they measure you by. Hopefully after that, I can see Tessa tomorrow night.

My thoughts of her are so potent I swear I hear her laughter. Something inside of me quickens at the sound and when I walk into the kitchen the sight before me is so convoluted that I don’t really understand what I’m seeing at first. I’m not sure if my thoughts have manifested her there and I’m seeing things or if it’s for real.

Ronnie is sitting at the table in the kitchen on the long bench. He has a cup of coffee in front of him and a doughnut. Details I don’t really know why I notice. He’s laughing and has one of his hands tangled in the hair of a redhead straddling his lap. Her face is out of my direct sight.

“Well I’m happy to see you too,” he says. “But I have to admit this is unexpected.”

“I just couldn’t stop thinking about you after I saw you here the other day,” the female says.

I must have released a noise, because Ronnie looks over his shoulder and sees me standing in the doorway. His smile immediately falls and I can see apprehension cover his features. As if the girl in his lap senses I’m here, I can see her whole body stiffen. Her whole body that’s wrapped around another man. Fire burns my blood in an instant and sets my world aflame.

“What the hell?” I yell.

Her head turns to the side and her eyes connect with mine. I flinch at the sight. They’re flat, emotionless. The look on her face is one I’ve never seen before, yet one I’ll never forget. Somehow her beautiful face manages to be unrecognizable to me. “Can we help you?” she asks snidely and I don’t believe my fucking ears.

Stalking over to them, I pull her off of his lap. I try not to hurt her, and it takes effort because I want to shake her. “What the fuck are you doing, Tessa?”

She yanks her arm out of my grasp and hisses, “Don’t touch me.”

Lifting my hands up in front of me, I try to understand, “What’s going on here? Why are you with Ronnie?”

A humorless smile covers her face and it makes me instantly sick. “We were just getting reacquainted. What’s it to you?”

“What’s it to me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re my girl!”

“No, Ryder. I’m not.”

“Yes you sure as hell are!” I bellow.

“Uh, maybe I should give you two a moment,” Ronnie says but both of us ignore him too caught up in staring at each other. It’s like something inside of me, that part of me that came alive again is shriveling. It’s dying. And it hurts like hell.

Turning to face me full on, she puts her hands on her hips and there’s challenge in her stare. “Look, Ryder. It isn’t working out. You weren’t meeting my uh… needs, okay? I tried. I really did. But, I’m not the kind of girl that does relationships, and I’m not interested in continuing whatever this was between us.”

I hear the words, I just can’t comprehend them and I stare at her in utter confusion.

As she side-steps to walk by me, I hear her whispered, “I’m sorry.” Grabbing her arm, I make her look me in the face. For a second her eyes are unguarded and I see a flash of pain and regret. “Tessa?” I whisper in a plea for her to tell me what the fuck is going on.

“Let go of her!” Ronnie yells at me, pushing me hard on my shoulder. “She was a fine piece of ass the first time around and I’m not letting you get in the way of me trying it out again.”

I can’t believe my fucking ears. His words have barely left his mouth before my fist is flying at his stupid face. I’ve got to hand it to him, he doesn’t go down with my blow and instead tackles me at my knees and takes me down to the ground. We roll around, each trying to gain position over the other. He sends some blows to my stomach and I know I land a few myself.

Eventually, our co-workers pull us apart, yelling at us to get a grip. “He started it!” Ronnie yells like a fucking baby. He’s got a good black eye forming and I feel satisfaction at the sight. My lip is bleeding and I rip my body away from the person holding me. “Hey! No!” they yell trying to get me back into their control.

“I’m fine. I’m not going to swing at him again. Let me go.” Jack looks at me uncertainly, but listens and I grab a napkin from the counter, using it to blot my lip.

“What happened?” Jack asks.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Fred another fireman asks.

I ignore them all and look around the room for Tessa. When I don’t see her I shove past all of them and go to the parking lot looking for her car. It’s not here. She’s gone.

My entire shift, she’s all I can think about. I replay what occurred over and over again in my mind. I relive every single second we’ve spent together over the last few weeks and read into every comment, every gesture, every look. There’s nothing I can see that indicates this was coming. Clearly she was already starting to withdraw from me last night when I dropped her off.

I see her in Ronnie’s arms in my mind repeatedly, each time I clench my eyes closed and breathe deeply until the image passes. All the guys around me try to act casual but I can see some of them keeping an eye on me out of the corner of their eyes and others giving me a wide berth. Can’t say I blame them.

When my long ass shift is finally over, I can’t get home fast enough. After I make myself something to eat, I swallow it down without tasting it. I sit and stare at the small photograph I have of Tessa from that night we went to dinner. She’s got a large smile on her face, one hand tucked behind the large cowboy hat on her head and the other on her hip. I trace my finger over the image and with a deep breath decide that enough is enough. I want an explanation and I’m going to demand one. It may still be early yet, but I don’t care. I grab my keys and fly out the door. I recall her saying she had today off too, so I have my destination clearly in mind.