Fighting Gravity (8 page)

I was so caught up in the scene that the crash of applause made me jump. I realized I’d had my eyes closed. I caught a glimpse of the emperor when I opened them and he was watching me, the quirk of a smile on his lips.

“Thank you, Ms. Sachar,” he said, “that was beautiful.”

She bowed and returned to her seat. He turned to me. “Well, I confess, Mr. Dawes, while I enjoyed the music, I got no new insights into the workings of the universe. Did you?”

I shook my head, but to reorganize my thoughts, not as an answer. “Mmmmm. It makes sense if you think about it…there have to be more sources than we’ve detected. Just because we haven’t observed it yet doesn’t mean…” I looked up at him. The look of polite attentiveness slid off his face. When I slowed to a stop he lost control of the laughter he’d been trying to suppress.

“You’re amazing, Mr. Dawes. You’re going to have to come with me on my tour of the Empire.” My heart stopped. “In two weeks I’m embarking on a year-long tour. I’ve had a lab constructed for myself aboard ship. Not that I’m qualified to make much use of it. I had hoped to find the time to spend the occasional day divining the secrets of the universe. It’s been a lovely delusion, but I know it’s nothing more than a sophisticated shrine to my self-indulgence. It would be such a tragedy to see it go to waste. But with you aboard ship, the lab won’t be wasted at all.”

My mouth was too dry to speak. I was going into space? For a whole year? To work in a lab built for the emperor himself? I sat in stunned silence. He seemed to be enjoying my reaction.

Director Kagawa’s voice came from over my shoulder, “Mr. Dawes is no doubt overwhelmed by Your Excellence’s generosity. Of course, I’m sure it’s frightening as well, the prospect of leaving behind your only home for something completely foreign and no doubt quite strange for someone of his origins, at such a young age.” I wondered if he missed the look on the emperor’s face at that reference to my age. “And to do so alone? Perhaps someone should accompany him, both as a familiar presence and as a chaperone. As his mentor I’d be more than happy to fill that role.”

Fury welled up in me. I could usually ignore Kagawa’s insulting assumptions but this was too much. My hands clenched into fists in my lap. The emperor seemed surprised by the director’s little speech and turned to me with a questioning look.

The heady feeling of power rushed through me. Kagawa was trying to acquire something extraordinary for himself by capitalizing on my success, and the emperor had laid the decision in my lap.

I didn’t even look at Kagawa. “He’s nothing to me, Excellence,” I said. “Had it been up to him, I’d have been Resettled years ago.”

The emperor’s face went blank when he turned to regard Kagawa, as if the director no longer existed. Somehow it was the most frightening expression I’d ever seen. The emperor looked over at Lord Sifer, who nodded acknowledgement of something that had passed unseen between them. He turned back to me and his face resumed its previous expression of polite interest.

“It’s settled then. I can’t wait to see the fascinating things you’ll think up to do in that lab.”

I was paralyzed with horror. What had I done? I forced myself to look over at Director Kagawa. Pale as death, he stared out into space, poleaxed. I dropped my head, my face hot with shame.

I spent the rest of the meal staring at my plate, my appetite gone. I couldn’t look at Kagawa, nor could I look at the emperor, but looking up at the room would have been just as bad or worse. The closest tables would have heard the entire conversation, and many more would have seen the reactions. Unless Kagawa looked markedly different now than he had the last time I’d raised my head, the whole room had to know that something had happened. Something big. Something terrible. Something that was my fault.

I don’t think the emperor spoke to me again. If he did, I didn’t notice. When dessert was served, it was all I could do not to lose what I’d already eaten. I sat in agony until the emperor stood and made a small, closing speech. He praised our work. He promised to return every five years or so to keep himself abreast of all that we did. He spoke of how much he had enjoyed the day, how much he had learned, and how valuable we were to the Empire. He thanked us and we rose as a group and bowed as he left the room.

As soon as he was gone I catapulted out of my place and rushed after his departing retinue. I caught up to Lord Sifer and grabbed at his arm without thinking.

“Please sir, please, what’s going to happen to Director Kagawa? What I said, I didn’t mean it like it sounded. That is, I mean, please sir, I just said something stupid.”

He looked at me without emotion. “Mr. Dawes, you may address me as Lord Sifer or ‘my lord.’ Please remove your hand from my arm.”

I snatched my hand away. “Forgive me, my lord.”

He nodded. “Mr. Dawes, what happens to Director Kagawa is not your concern.”

“But sir! My lord! I didn’t mean what I said. You can’t do anything to him just because of what I said!”

He raised his eyebrows. “Was what you said untrue?”

I flushed. “No, my lord, but it’s not what it sounds like…”

“Mr. Dawes, I’m sure you’re very brilliant when it comes to the physical sciences. I would not be in the position I am in if I were not also very good at what I do. I won’t presume to tell you how to conduct your work, and I expect the same courtesy in return.”

My heart dropped. “Please,” I begged.

“Good evening, Mr. Dawes,” he said. I watched in despair, crawling with powerless desperation as he walked away.

-

Lord Sifer had almost disappeared down the long hall when a hand clamped around my upper arm and I was hauled into motion. It was Dr. Okoro. He didn’t look at me, his gaze fixed on something ahead as he dragged me down the hallway, fury chiseled into his profile. I wanted to say something, but I was too afraid to make a sound. It took all my attention to keep up with his angry steps without tripping.

When we got to his study, he thrust me, stumbling, into the room. He walked past me to his desk without a word, digging through the top drawer in search of something. When he didn’t find it there, he moved on to the cabinets on the left wall, then the ones on the right. He grunted in discovery and emerged from one of the cabinets with a cane in hand, which he leveled at me.

“I’ve never whipped you, boy. The thought never even crossed my mind. You’ve never given me the first reason to consider punishing you. But tonight—do you realize what you just did? What your spiteful, vengeful little speech there has just done to that man’s life!”

I forced words past the lump in my throat.

“Yes, sir. But I swear I didn’t mean it like that! I didn’t think…I was just…I just didn’t want him to come with me. You understand that, don’t you? I didn’t mean for anything else to happen! I swear it!”

“That’s why you think about what you’re going to say before you open your mouth, Jacob! That man is going to lose his assignment, or be Resettled, because you vented your petty childhood resentments in front of the wrong person.”

“I know!” I wailed. “I’m so sorry. If I could do anything to fix it I would. I tried to talk to Lord Sifer but he wouldn’t listen. I’m sorry!”

“I doubt that will bring Director Kagawa any comfort.”

I stared at the floor, wishing desperately to be anywhere else.

“Get over the desk,” he said, his voice hard.

I approached his desk and cleared a space on the surface. Without being told, I dropped my pants and undershorts before I bent over. It wasn’t the worst beating I’d ever taken, but I sobbed all the way through it.

-

When it was over, the cane clattered to the desk beside me. The door opened and closed and there was silence. I pushed myself up, scrubbing the tears from my face, and eased my pants back up with a wince. I hadn’t been caned in several years and had forgotten how much it hurt.

I looked around, but I didn’t need the confirmation that I was alone in the room. I stood there for a long time, contemplating my miseries and trying to decide what to do. The one thing I was sure I did not want to do was walk out that door. It wasn’t a well-traveled hallway but there was no way back to my room that didn’t involve walking through one or two of the high traffic areas, and facing anyone else at that moment was about the worst thing I could think of. I grabbed the blanket and curled up on the couch to meditate on my sorrows.

I woke several hours later and decided it was late enough to risk the halls. The few people I came across were servants who only glared at me as I passed, and two junior history fellows who were a little worse for the drink. I entered my room with relief.

There in my room, Kirti was asleep on my bed. I was so shocked to see her that I stumbled backward against the closing door. She opened her eyes and sat up. With all that happened that evening, I hadn’t even considered that I was leaving for a least a year. More? What if I had to stay for good? It was only then that I realized I might be leaving Kirti behind forever. I saw in her face that she had already reached that conclusion.

She stood and buried her head in my shoulder. I held her, laying my cheek against the top of her head. She looked up at me. Our faces were so close together, our bodies. Leaving. Maybe forever.

I don’t know who initiated it, but we were kissing. The more we kissed the more urgent it became. My hands were tangled in her hair and clutching her close to my body.

My memories of the remainder of that night are hazy. Though I remember other sexual encounters since with almost perfect clarity, that one, my first, is just a jumble of impressions, emotions, sounds, and sensations. We clung to each other, frantic with our fears and needs until we slept, exhausted, in each other’s arms.

fg
9

I woke up in the morning to the realization that I should be panicking. Kirti had been out of her room all night, which was one of the biggest infractions a student could commit. The repercussions were very serious. And yet lying there with her warm and soft against me, with all the other problems waiting for me just outside the door, I couldn’t make myself care.

She woke not long after I did. I hadn’t moved and was still wrapped around her. She looked up at me and smiled, but a crease of sadness appeared in her forehead.

“You’re leaving.”

I nodded. There was nothing else to say. She watched my face for a long moment then pecked a kiss on my lips and got up to get dressed. I watched her from the bed, wanting to say something but not sure what. She scrambled into her clothes and kissed me once more.

“See you at breakfast,” she said, and left.

If I’d thought entering the dining hall the night before with the emperor had been uncomfortable, it was nothing compared to walking in for breakfast that morning. Four steps into the room, the sudden silence was palpable. It was like I had walked into a thick, sticky gunk that became more and more viscous with every step.

I made it to my table and found Chuck there, but no Kirti. I took my usual spot beside him. I tried to ignore my tablemates but I didn’t miss the glares Chuck was giving out, daring them to say or do anything to me.

The conversation in the room resumed, though at my table there was a horrid, stifling quiet. Kirti soon entered and sat beside me. She acted normal; normal as anything was that morning. No one looked at her any more than usual and I wondered if anyone knew she hadn’t slept in her room last night. Of course, whether our classmates did or didn’t realize wasn’t the problem. The dorm head wouldn’t have missed it and he was the one that mattered.

She gave me a sad smile and watched as the members of the head table entered the room. Director Kagawa, of course, was not there. When crushing disappointment settled in my chest, I realized I had been holding out hope that he would be among them; that nothing would have changed. The administrators took their places, leaving the director’s chair empty. Mr. Harris, to the immediate right, spoke.

“As you are all aware, Director Kagawa is no longer with us. I will be filling in for him until a permanent replacement can be selected.” He offered the blessing and we sat.

When I thought about it later I concluded that Chuck must have threatened our tablemates before I’d arrived. No one said a word to me, contenting themselves with withering glares. I did my best to pretend I couldn’t see them.

At the conclusion of breakfast I was summoned to the director’s office. I felt an irrational stab of panic, but reminded myself that the director’s office no longer belonged to Kagawa, which made me feel worse. I went, dragging my feet, and reported to the functionary outside the office. She looked daggers at me but sent me in.

I opened the door with sweaty hands, more afraid to enter that office than I had ever been. Mr. Harris looked up from behind the big desk. “Come in, Mr. Dawes.” I took my place before the desk and waited. “You may have a seat if you’d like.”

I stared at him, thrown off balance.

“You’re not here for discipline, Mr. Dawes. Have a seat. We have a lot to talk about.”

I dropped into the chair, stunned. He smiled. I was baffled.

I knew very little about Mr. Harris. He had been the second highest administrator at the IIC, under Kagawa. He was very young for such a high position at such an important facility. I had almost no previous experience with him, but I’d never had any reason to think ill of him. Of course, I’d never had any reason to think of him at all.

He watched me for a moment, maybe to let me get my bearings. Taking the opportunity offered by his silence I blurted out, “Mr. Harris, I’m very sorry for what happened last night with Director Kagawa. I promise, sir, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“You do?” It felt like we weren’t speaking the same language. That whatever he was replying to couldn’t be what I’d said.

He smiled again. “Jacob—may I call you Jacob?” I nodded dumbly. “Jacob, I was assigned here not long after you arrived. I’ve seen what happened between you and Kagawa, and I’ve heard more. I’ve heard things that you didn’t, things that Kagawa would say behind closed doors. I never agreed with his treatment of you and I said so on many occasions. He did you a great wrong, and could have deprived the Empire of your talent. I respected and liked the man for many reasons but his treatment of you was unconscionable. It’s not your fault that he is now suffering the consequences of his own errors of judgment.”