Fight or Flight (9 page)

She also needed these last flight hours to qualify to take the recertification test.

“Analyzing the competition?” Josiah asked.

She turned her head to look at him, a slight smile curving her lips.

“Something like that,” she admitted. “I’ve never piloted one of these through here.”

“You know the territory, Tirz. If anyone can do it, you can.” He nodded thoughtfully. “How long until we’re ready to make the passage?”

“I’m waiting for a report from Claudia.”

“She’s practically sleeping in the engine room she’s spending so much time there.” He sighed. “I worry about her.”

“She’s a damn good mechanic and an even better engineer. Plain and simple, we’re not getting through this nebula unless she can get me more power and maneuverability.” Tirzah put a hand on his arm. “She’ll be fine.”

“Are you on bridge tonight?” he asked.

“No, actually. My first officer, John Campbell, is on tonight. I have the night off. Would you like to have dinner with me in the mess?” she asked. Josiah was only onboard because it was her last crossing with Claudia, one of the last chances for the three of them to be together before she returned to Earth to recertify. Once she joined a fight squadron … well, there was no telling where she’d end up, alone.

“I’m sorry, Tirz. I have plans.” Regret, and something else—a blush?—crossed his face.

“You have a date,” she crowed. “Not one of the crew, I’d know. One of the passengers?”

“Tirz, don’t pry,” he teased. “It’s unbecoming.”

“If you don’t tell me, I’m going to call you Becky in front of the crew. C’mon, Josiah, you have to tell me. I live vicariously through you and Clau.”

“Like you ever stopped? Fuck, yes, one of the passengers. Okay?”

“Is he cute?”

“Tirz…”

“Becky.”

“Yes, he’s cute.” He shook his head, sighing heavily. “It’s Max. He came with me because he wanted to see the nebula.”

“Really? I thought you broke it off with him when he wouldn’t—”

“Really. Anyway, it’s just a racquetball game, a late dinner, and maybe some holo-play afterward. I’ve put the brakes on anything more until he comes out to his family.”

“Are you in love with him?” She couldn’t help the wistfulness in her voice.

“Tirzah, you can’t keep trying to live through me. I gave you a hard time about Zeke during the trial, but now that’s over, you should be dating, sweetheart. Haven’t you let Walter hold you captive too long already? Where’s the old you, the girl who wasn’t afraid of anything? You used to—”

“That girl is gone, Josiah,” she interrupted. “She’s never coming back. And I don’t have time to date. I have to steer this monstrosity through the nebula and land it safely on the colony, get them settled in, and report back home before New Year’s Day.”

“You don’t have to be back on Earth for another six months. There’s no need for you to rush back as soon as you drop the colonists off.”

“If I want a fight command this issue, I need to be back by January.”

“Why the rush? Five months ago—”

“Because I need this. To be whole again.” Tirzah felt a momentary panic. A small part of her was terrified at the idea of rejoining the fighter fleet—that’s where she had met Walter. But flying fighters had been her goal since childhood. She’d worked her ass off to get there and then to have it ripped away by her husband? No. He’d taken too much already. She was physically fit now, able to fight hand-to-hand if necessary. She was ready; she would get her gold wings back. No more colony ships. No more passengers. Just crew. Just team.

“I need this,” she repeated.

“I don’t think that’s what you really want. But you know I love you, and I’ll support you, so if January is the deadline, I’m with you. Just be sure, Tirz. You don’t have to be a fighter to be a great pilot. You don’t have to be a fighter to serve your people. The war is over. The Coronals aren’t a threat anymore.”

“You’re going to be late for your date.” She turned and walked out of her office without a good-bye, leaving her best friend staring after her.

* * * *

Zeke had been hiding in his quarters since coming aboard two days before. He didn’t know if Tirzah checked passenger manifests … didn’t know if she knew he was here or not. But she hadn’t come looking for him, so if she did know? Maybe she just didn’t want to see him.

He’d gone home after her trial to tie up loose ends, among them to sell the house where he’d lived with Elinor. He’d been leasing it out for years, but it was time to let it go. After signing the papers to finance it to his tenants, he’d stood in the foyer and relived that last horrible morning with her, the baby bouncing on her hip, covering his ears and crying as Zeke shouted. He felt the cold chill of desperation all over again, how he’d felt watching everyone he loved walk out the front door and into the arms of another man.

Done now. He was moving forward. Back to Solomon to prosecute Guszak, and from there, wherever the law would take him.

When he was looking for passage back through the nebula, he had jumped at the chance to book aboard Tirzah’s ship. It was coincidence he’d finished settling his affairs for the move to Solomon City just in time for her passage. He didn’t much like the idea of crossing the nebula in one of the old-style ships, but if anyone could do it, it was his pixie.

Was she still his pixie?

He scrubbed his hands across his face. Why was he putting himself through this? He knew Josiah Beckett’s ’com number. He could easily find out if she was seeing anyone.
I’m scared.
Scared to find out maybe the intense attraction they’d felt had been simply circumstances.

He still wanted her.

Growling, he glared at the nondescript passenger quarters that would be his home over the next weeks. He had only weeks to convince her—hell, convince himself—they could make something work between them. Maybe they just needed a no-strings affair to work the lust out of their systems.

Or maybe it was more.

Maybe it was everything he’d fantasized it could be when he fell for her back in Solomon City.

Whatever it was, he needed to stop hiding in his quarters. He had to get out, maybe for a workout, maybe to the mess. He couldn’t stay here though.

Out in the corridor, he braced himself against the tide of colonists coming back from watching the light show taking place around the ship. In a moment of horrifying confusion, Elinor’s face flashed before his eyes, a trick of the light, because as soon as he focused she was gone, a memory. He knew she was dead, had been dead five years now, but sometimes, her memory surfaced like a superstitious tribute thrown out on the tides, washing up the following morning when all the fires on the beach had died. Why would she haunt him now? Now, when he was finally ready to move on?

He didn’t know where the thought came from, or why he needed it, but it rang true.

Fix me, pixie.

Chapter 16

Tirzah ate alone in the mess, falling back into her usual routine. Not that she wanted to be alone, but it was simpler than cultivating new friendships. The court martial had been very public, and the media had not always portrayed her at her best. People weren’t sure about her yet, and that would take time to earn. Time she didn’t have, not now.

After dinner she decided to go work out, swinging by her quarters to change. She hated the wrist-length workout suit she wore, but it covered her scars—all her scars—and she didn’t like to show weakness, or even evidence of past weakness, in front of the crew.

Brad had decided to take a position on the ship as well, working in the boxing gym. The one voyage working as a personal trainer would pay him more than a six-month assignment as a Fleet physical therapist. She waved hello as she moved toward the weight machines. It was important to her to rebuild the muscle tone she’d lost during her imprisonment. Even a year and a half later, she still felt the effects of the periods of inactivity. It wasn’t that she loved working out; it was just part and parcel of living in altered gravity. The muscles and bones needed it, and even if she felt tortured at the end, she was way too familiar with the consequences of going without.

She gritted her teeth as she lay under the bench press and pushed. Each rep would make her stronger, even as it tore her down. She needed it, counted on it, believed in it. If only everything in space were this fucking simple.

* * * *

Zeke saw her the moment he walked into the gym. He took a deep breath, willing his blood to stop racing at the sight of her. It was no use; in the tight workout suit, every curve of her athletic body was accented to perfection. Her hair hung in a ponytail down her back, and she grimaced with effort at every rep as she hoisted herself up on a chinner bar. The muscles in her arms shook as she pulled one last time and dropped. He remembered the first time he saw her, in almost exactly the same situation, watching her work out back in Solomon City.

He was lost. He’d been prepared to see her again, but seeing her now, knowing her taste, her scent, the feel of her fingers on his body? God help him. He walked over to where she was recovering between sets.

“Impressive.”

She startled and looked up.

“Zeke.” She sighed, a resigned smile crossing her face. “Nice to see you.”

“Nice to see you too, Tirzah,” he answered. He was
not
going to let her play the cold politeness game. He might be damned foolish, but he still wanted her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. It wasn’t because of you.”

“Oh, no, don’t do this. Save us both a little dignity. I don’t need to hear the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.” She glared at him as she wiped the sweat from her face.

“That’s not what I was doing.” He bit the words out.

“Wasn’t it?” She shook her head.
She didn’t believe him.
It stung, seeing that, and knowing he deserved it.

“Good God, Tirzah. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what you wanted. I was scared half to death, and the last thing you needed was for the media to find out about us and a sex scandal to follow you back into the Fleet.”

“You seem pretty sure that’s where that was headed. Maybe it would’ve been nice to just say good-bye?”

“Gossips wouldn’t care whether you and I were sleeping together or not, as long as they could make it seem like we were. I was doing what I thought was best for you. As your lawyer, I had a responsibility…”

She made a sound then that sounded suspiciously like a snort. He looked back at her face and saw the mirth in her eyes. She was laughing at him.

“It’s not funny,” he said.

She nodded, a guffaw escaping behind the hand she had clasped over her mouth.

“I’m sorry, but wasn’t it you who asked me to kiss you
in your office?
How responsible of you,
Advocate
,” she hooted between fits of laughter.

Seeing her exercise-flushed cheeks grow redder as she giggled, one hand clasped over her mouth, the other over her belly, touched a raw nerve in his soul. God, he loved making this woman laugh.
Even if she was laughing at him.

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I needed some time to think about what happened between us, it’s true, but I should have called. I’ve been this way for a long time. I forget how to be social. Can I make it up to you?”

“How?” she asked, still smiling. He was struck at how much more confident and grounded she seemed, back at work. Her healing had finally begun.

“Well, why don’t I skip my workout and spend this time with you instead?” He grinned.

“I need a shower…”

“Take one at my place.” He shrugged.

“Do you really think it’s a good idea for me to get naked at your place?”

He nodded, a smile dragging his lips up.

“Oh hell, yes. I won’t shower with you or anything, unless you want me to. But I have a confession to make.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ve thought about little else besides seeing you naked at my place since the first time I kissed you.”

He caressed the side of her face, feeling the smoothness of her skin, noting the way her breath hitched in her throat and the way the flush in her cheeks warmed his hand.

“Zeke, I don’t look like I did, before Walter. I’m not… My body isn’t pretty anymore.”

“Pixie, you’re lovely to me. What you endured, it’s beyond my understanding. But it doesn’t affect my attraction to you. You have scars? Okay. You’re scared I won’t be attracted to you? That’s ridiculous.”

“Not so ridiculous,” she whispered.

“Then show me. Let’s put this ghost to rest.” He held out a hand.

She swallowed, placing her hand in his. He stroked it with his thumb, caressing.

“Trust me, pixie.” He tugged her to her feet. “I won’t hurt you.”

Chapter 17

Back in his quarters, Zeke pointed the way to the washroom. He set out one of his shirts and a pair of pajama pants on the counter for her, along with a towel and a hairbrush. She looked at the brush. Why would Zeke, with his tight braids, need a hairbrush?

“Came with the room,” he explained. She smiled at him—he seemed nervous too.

“Thanks. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

She let the hot water wash over her and thought about the man on the other side of the door. She wanted him. Since that first night when she had masturbated to fantasies of him, to their explosive kiss, she was destined to give herself to him.

She hadn’t had room in her heart for anything other than getting her fight command back since she emerged from the hospital. No room for anything except proving she was still a valuable member of the Fleet. That she still had fight in her veins.

The fears were still there. Fear that Walter had broken her beyond redemption. Fear that she wouldn’t be allowed to serve her people. The peace accords with the Coronals were holding. Yet she still felt driven to be back on the front lines, policing the edges of their territory, defending her people against whatever space could throw at them. In spite of the accords, there were still Coronal pirates out there. And she could fight them better than anyone.

The water flow waned. She had forgotten about the rationing of passenger water. As captain, long showers were a perk of the job. So many perks in exchange for taking responsibility for all these lives. She leaned her head against the wall of the shower and waited until the flow stopped. She stood in the rapidly cooling enclosure, goose bumps rising on her flesh. Her nipples puckered and she shivered with the cold. Finally, she dried herself and dressed in the clothes Zeke had provided.