Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody (20 page)
Read Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody Online
Authors: Fanny Merkin
Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in
Fifty Shames in Space
, the thrilling sequel to
Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!
Acknowledgments
Thank you to Brandi Bowles and the fine folks at Foundry Literary + Media for believing in this project. Pony power!
Thank you to Brandy Rivers and the Gersh Agency for scouting locations for my luxury mansion in Beverly Hills.
Thank you to Renée Sedliar, Lissa Warren, Sean Maher, Kevin Hanover, John Radziewicz, Alex Camlin, and everyone at Da Capo Press and Perseus Books Group.
Thank you to Christine Marra and
Marra
thon Editorial Production Services for beating the manuscript into shape.
Thank you to Jennifer Sullivan, Hilary Rose, and the entire Tantor Audio team.
Thank you to the talented Allyson Ryan for bringing Anna Steal to life for the audiobook.
Thank you to my beta readers, Tiffany Reisz and Karen Stivali.
Thank you to the thousands of readers who followed this story through the first three chapters back when it was serialized on
EvilReads.com
as
Fifty-one Shades
. I wasn’t lying when I said I would sell out, change the characters’ names, and hide from y’all in my brand new McMansion. Good luck getting past my alligator-filled moat!
And, last but not least, thank you to Stephenie Meyer for the inspiration.
Index
A
“Aaaarrrrghhhh!,”
Ackroyd, Dan
Apple, poison(
see also
Poison)
Apple, product placement of
Ass, burnt (
see
Starbucks)
B
Babies, Beanie
Basket-weaving, underwater
BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick)
Beyoncé,
Body wash, expensive
C
Camellia sinensis
Cleveland Steamer
Cornell, Chris
Crocs, bright pink
Cruise, Tom
Culkin, Macauley
Cullen, Edward
D
Deliverance
(joke)
Dice, sixty-nine-sided
Dice, twenty-sided
Dirty Sanchez
Diving, drunk
Drew, Dr.
E
Elevators
Eyes, gray
F
F-14 Tomcat
Fingers, long
Four Loko
G
Gates, Bill
Gossip Girl
Grey, Earl (man)
Grey, Earl (tea)
Griffey, Jr., Ken
Guidette, Inner, overuse of
Guitar Hero
“Gulp,”
Guns N’ Roses
H
Hair, tousled
Harry Potter
Hello Kitty
Hotmail
J
Jägerbombs
Jay-Z
Jurassic Park
L
Lincoln, Abraham
M
Manticore,
Mermaid (naked women swimming in a fish tank)
Mermaid (topless in Starbucks logo)
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
N
Nickelback
Nail, nineteen-inch
Nails, Nine Inch
Nirvana
O
Obama, Barack
“Oh my,”
Olive Garden
P
Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki,”
Park, Jurassic (
see Jurassic Park)
Perry, Katy
magic tricks out of Anna’s
perfume
Pinot Noir, three hundred dollar bottles of
Poison(
see also
Apple, poison)
Pretty Woman
R
Red Bull and Jägermeister (
see
Jägerbombs)
Red Bull and NyQuil
Rib, Mc
Romney, Mitt
Rusty Trombone
S
Safari, Triassic (
see also Jurassic Park)
Shamrock Shake
Snooki (
see
Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki”)
Space Needle
before
after
Sparks, Nicholas
Spiner, Brent
Starbucks
Super Mario Kart
T
Tambourine
Tampons, vodka-soaked
Tape, cassettes
Tape, duct
Tea, Earl Grey
Tea, not Earl Grey,
Tea, white,
Teabagging
Tension, sexual
Thunder, Days of
Tie, smiley-faced
Triceratops
(
see
Safari, Triassic)
Twilight
U
“Uh-oh,”
Unicycle, dangerous operation of
V
Vampire, sparkly
Vedder, Eddie
W
Wall Street
Walmart
Winfrey, Oprah, painting of
Womb, growing needy with want
Words With Friends
Z
Zuckerberg, Mark
Zumba
About the Author
Fanny Merkin hides from her fans lives in a Beverly Hills mansion purchased using the embarrassingly large advance she received for
Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
. She is a former Walmart employee who writes under the pseudonym “Andrew Shaffer” for publications as diverse as
Mental Floss
and
Maxim.
Andrew Shaffer is the author of
Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love.
He reviews romance, erotica, and women’s fiction for
RT Book Reviews
magazine.
This is a work of parody. It imitates an author’s style and work for comic effect. Its intent is to ridicule. Its purpose is to make people laugh. The dialogue, thoughts, attitudes, and actions of its characters, even those based on public figures, are all fictional. They are included only to enhance the overall value and effectiveness of the parody.
Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Shaffer
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.
Editorial production by
Marra
thon Production Services.
www.marrathon.net
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for this book.
eISBN : 978-0-306-82200-1
First Da Capo Press edition 2012
Published by Da Capo Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].
Table of Contents
