Fifty Shades of Grey (68 page)

From:
Christian Grey

Subject:
Pleading Guilty

Date:
June 2 2011 19:52

To:
Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

Sorry, could you speak up? I can’t hear you.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From:
Anastasia Steele

Subject:
Pleading Insanity Again

Date:
June 2 2011 22:54 EST

To:
Christian Grey

You are driving me crazy.

From:
Christian Grey

Subject:
I hope so…

Date:
June 2 2011 19:59

To:
Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I intend to do exactly that on Friday evening. Looking forward to it

;)

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From:
Anastasia Steele

Subject:
Grrrrrr

Date:
June 2 2011 23:02 EST

To:
Christian Grey

I am officially pissed at you.

Goodnight.

Miss A. R. Steele

From:
Christian Grey

Subject:
Wild Cat

Date:
June 2 2011 20:05

To:
Anastasia Steele

Are you growling at me Miss Steele?

I possess a cat of my own for growlers.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Cat of his own? I’ve never seen a cat in his apartment. No, I am not going to answer him.

Oh, he can be so exasperating sometimes. Fifty shades of exasperating. I clamber into bed and lie glaring at the ceiling as my eyes adjust to the dark. I hear another ping from my computer. I am not going to look. No definitely not. No, I am not going to look. Gah!

Like the fool I am, I cannot resist the lure of Christian Grey’s words.

From:
Christian Grey

Subject:
What you said in your sleep

Date:
June 2 2011 20:20

To:
Anastasia Steele

Anastasia

I’d rather hear you say the words that you uttered in your sleep when you’re conscious, that’s why I won’t tell you. Go to sleep. You’ll need to be rested with what I have in mind for you tomorrow.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Oh no… What have I said? It’s as bad as I think, I’m sure.

My mother hugs me tightly.

“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please – try not to over-think things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear. She kisses my hair.

“Oh, Mom.” Hot, unwelcome tears prick my eyes as I cling to her.

“Darling, you know what they say. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

I give her a lopsided, bittersweet smile.

“I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.”

She gives me her most endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again.

“Ana – they’re calling your flight,” Bob’s voice is anxious.

“Will you visit, Mom?”

“Of course darling – soon. Love you.”

“Me too.”

Her eyes are red with unshed tears as she releases me. I hate leaving her. I hug Bob, and turning, head to the gate – I do not have time for the first class lounge today. I will myself not to glance back. But I do… and Bob is holding my mom, and tears are streaming

down her face. I can no longer hold mine back. I put my head down and proceed to the gate, keeping my eyes on the shiny, white floor, blurred through my watery tears.

Once on board, in the luxury of first class, I curl up in my seat and try to compose myself. It is always painful to wrench myself away from Mom… she is scatty, disorganized, but newly insightful, and she loves me. Unconditional love – what every child deserves from its parents. I frown at my wayward thoughts, and pulling out my BlackBerry, stare at it despondently.

What does Christian know of love? Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother’s words waft like a zephyr through my mind:
Yes, Ana. Hell – what do you need? – a neon sign flashing on his
forehead?
She thinks Christian loves me, but then she’s my mother, of course she’d think that. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It’s true, and in a moment of startling clarity, I see it. It’s very simple: I want his love. I
need
Christian Grey to love me.

This is why I am so reticent about our relationship – because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.

And because of his fifty shades – I am holding myself back. The BDSM is a distraction from the real issue. The sex is amazing, he’s wealthy, he’s beautiful, but this is all meaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don’t know if he’s capable of love. He doesn’t even love himself. I recall his self-loathing,
her
love being the only form he found –
acceptable.
Punished – whipped, beaten, whatever their relationship entailed –

he feels undeserving of love. Why does he feel like that? How can he feel like that? His words haunt me:
‘It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.’

I close my eyes, imagining his pain, and I can’t begin to comprehend it. I shudder as I remember that I may have divulged too much. What have I confessed to Christian in my sleep? What secrets have I revealed?

I stare at the BlackBerry in the vague hope that it will give me some answers. Rather unsurprisingly, it is not very forthcoming. As we haven’t taken off yet, I decide to email my Fifty Shades.

From:
Anastasia Steele

Subject:
Homeward Bound

Date:
June 3 2011 12:53 EST

To:
Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

I am once again ensconced in first class, for which I thank you. I am counting the minutes until I see you this evening, and perhaps torturing the truth out of you about my nocturnal admissions.

Your Ana x

From:
Christian Grey

Subject:
Homeward Bound

Date:
June 3 2011 09:58

To:
Anastasia Steele