Fierce Beauty (7 page)

“Oh, one of my classmates brought some pizzas to our college class. Can you believe that?” I said. “It was such a fun surprise. I didn’t want them to feel bad, so I ate some. I guess I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was. I’m sorry.”

She frowned at me, her polite way of saying she didn’t appreciate my not enjoying her meal and wasting it by tossing it in the trash. She caught me doing this at other times too. But I always had a quick answer. Even though I knew my grandparents were stretched financially, this knowledge was not enough for me to cease my utterly selfish destruction of the meals they offered me. My shell game with food became a daily routine, a clandestine challenge that I actually enjoyed. The simple fact that I could hide my indulgence in plain sight only fed my sense of power.

No one was going to stop me … and I didn’t want to stop myself. Like the zipper head tapping against my thigh, what started as a “little sin” quietly tapped its way into destroying my heart, my life, and my relationship with my Lord.

Thankfully, there is no depth of sin we can ever know that is beyond Jesus’ ability to reach when we genuinely cry out to Him.

It’s not enough for us to recognize our plight. An authentically repentant soul is a person who chooses to actively move away from damaging habits and
toward
the Lord. We’re not Christians simply because we call ourselves such. For me, being a Christian means turning away from my selfish, self-centered life and turning toward Christ and trusting Him to lead me.

It wasn’t until I chose to put Jesus’ plan for me above my own ideas that the shackles of my destruction were finally broken. This happened when the rules of my game were irreversibly challenged. When I was nineteen, I married the man of my dreams. Suddenly I could no longer hide in public or carry out my fanatical exercise regimes. I was now forever linked to a handsome, six-foot-three-inch mirror, who reflected how truly selfish and destructive my behavior had become.

I remember Troy saying during a heated conversation, “What you’re doing is fake. It’s a cheesy, man-made attempt at creating value. It’s simply an excuse to become something you’re not, something God never intended you to be. Your hands, feet, and bones are as big as mine. Of course you’re supposed to weigh more than a kid. What you’re doing isn’t pretty; it’s just selfish!”

Yet no amount of talking or counsel was going to fix what was broken inside my head. I was certain I was right, and no one on earth was going to convince me that I needed to change.

And no one on earth did.

It was the One from heaven who ultimately healed my brokenness. It wasn’t until I chose to look intently at what I’d become that I finally realized my need for a savior. Most of my life I’d known the right answer, but I’d never fully embraced the
real
answer. It was no longer enough to know about Jesus. I wanted to
know
Jesus.

Though I could deflect human counsel by an internal rolling of the eyes, I could not hide from the raw, timeless truth of God’s Word. As I started to read my Bible every day, its power began to systematically
dismantle the lies I’d built into my heart, and my destructive habits were revealed. I wasn’t righteous at all; I was selfish … incredibly selfish. By holding on to my obsession to be thin, I was telling everyone—including God—that I loved my appearance more than I loved Him. Once this fact flooded into my heart, I couldn’t deny it, and I was deeply ashamed.

The change in my life was not instant. I grew by degrees, like a baby learning how to walk. I rose and fell countless times. But because I was honestly allowing Jesus’ freedom and power into my life, I learned that I could always rely on Him to give me the strength to stand up and try again.

I had chosen to live in a prison of my own construction. Tap by tap, choice by choice, I nearly allowed my “little sins” to steal my life. It was only the truth of God’s Word that released me, restored me, and gave me the answers I so desperately sought. Now I am thankful every day for the freedom I have in Jesus: “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.… So if the Son sets you free, you will indeed be free” (John 8:32, 36).

All of us have a nemesis that, left unchecked, will destroy us. Our problem is … sin.

We might think,
It’s such a ridiculously small thing. I can stop any time I want to. It doesn’t hurt anybody. It makes me feel good about myself
. When it comes to opening our lives to sin, our lists of excuses are long. As my battle with anorexia taught me, how we justify allowing these little “pets” into our lives is irrelevant, especially when compared to what they will do in our hearts once we say yes to them.

As a child, I heard a rhyme that impacted me so greatly I remember it to this day. It went something like this:

Whether we acknowledge it or not, all sin destroys. As Scripture reminds us, it is like “a little yeast [that] spreads quickly through the whole batch of dough!” (Galatians 5:9). If something as minuscule and harmless as yeast can permeate and change an entire lump of dough, clearly our sin can do much more. Without a doubt, the garbage we allow into our lives is going to hurt us. Our sin will eventually destroy our lives. It will also devastate those whom we are called to care for. Even worse, it offends our King, because all sin is a form of rebellion against Him.

The truth is, no heart can rebel against God and draw near to Him at the same time.

Every believer has experienced times of feeling far from God. Often we inadvertently blame Him for the distance we sense when we’re the ones who’ve continued to allow sin into our lives. This resulting distance isn’t because He’s left us; it’s because we’ve left Him.

The Lord has said, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far away” (Isaiah 29:13). No matter how good we think we are, we can never please God with our outward actions if our inward attitude is not right before Him.

If we confess our sin to God, like any good parent He allows us to bear the consequences of our waywardness while also adding His deep, abiding joy. God wants a close relationship with each of us. He’s done mighty things to facilitate that. But, friend, we have to want that closeness as well.

All healing and redemption begin the same way. They start with a decision, a choice to trust Jesus more than our own understanding.

All those years ago I knew that if I was ever going to stop my self-destructive weight plan, I needed to fully embrace a leader with power
greater than my own. My alleged power was a ridiculous joke compared to the eternal authority of God: “For the word of God is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are. Nothing in all creation can hide from him. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes. This is the God to whom we must explain all that we have done.… Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him” (Hebrews 4:12–14).

When we allow our faith to rest in ourselves more than in the Lord, we set in motion a collision course with ruin. When I was god of my own life, I nearly destroyed myself. My desire for personal control and acceptance by others became my paltry reward. For that little glittery tiara, I gave up my King’s genuine freedom, love, peace, strength, and joy. It took honest advice from someone I loved and trusted—my husband—to help me begin to see how far I’d separated myself from my Lord.

As long as we’re breathing, God’s mercy and forgiveness have no expiration date. He never gives up … on any of us.

In my hollow tunnels of shame and guilt, the truth of God’s Word brought the only genuine hope I knew: “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38–39).

Friend, we do have a problem when we choose to allow little sins to infiltrate our lives and tap away at our ability to mirror the glory and love of our King. If they are left unchecked, it’s only a matter of time before our mirrors break.

Just as every little sin starts with a choice, so does receiving the hope, forgiveness, and life of our King. There is no place we can go, no damage we can do, no mess we can make that can prevent His redeeming love from finding, healing, and restoring us.

With my eyes shut beneath the faded brim of my ranch hat, I pushed my toes deep into golden, sugary sand. I didn’t want the tops of my feet to scorch under the tropical sun.

I was on the North Shore of Oahu in Hawaii, lying side by side with Troy, my boyfriend and husband of thirty years. A dear friend had flown us here so that Troy, a licensed pastor, could officiate at the wedding of our friend’s son and future bride. We were on a break from our wedding duties, savoring the beauty of Waimea Bay, one of the world’s renowned surfing hubs. Because it was August, the world-class winter waves were long gone. In their place shimmered a sea of green glass.

Troy and I held hands and lounged in hammock-shaped holes we’d dug into the sand. We were like two bears hibernating out of season. I was sure that little—short of a tsunami siren—could convince me to haul my backside out of the comfortable and perfectly contoured sand chair I’d just created.

I was wrong, of course. The explorer’s blood that courses through my veins has a very convincing voice. Regardless of where my ventures lead, I always feel the intrinsic draw to investigate the wild places around me. I’ve learned that every area has its own distinct features, its own unique beauty. During the many trips I’ve made to the Hawaiian Islands, I’ve swum a million miles with my head underwater. Exploring the intricate coastlands with a mask, snorkel, and fins is one of my favorite things
on earth. By doing so, I’ve come to a conclusion: this world is just
amazing
!

What a God of wonders. We only need to look under the waves to see His vivid canvas filled with colorful diversity, texture, and design. When I’m snorkeling, my mind always bends toward the same question: why would God make an underwater world, which people would rarely see, so
astoundingly beautiful
? I’m convinced He did it simply because He can! He’s an artist who instills profound splendor into every minute and grand thing He touches.

His artistry can be seen in the smallest wildflower petals and the highest glacier-sculpted peaks. His glory is crafted into the deepest hues of ocean blue and the broadest canyons and rivers. His awesome power is splashed across the vast purple blanket of stars overhead and captured in the intense color of a child’s eyes. I believe He’s created it all, in part, because He loves beauty.

Because of how deeply I feel the truths inspired by what I see, discovery of this remarkable world beckons my heart like the voice of a cherished friend. Even while resting, I hear the call.

As I was lying in the sun on Waimea Bay, I’d already scoped out the narrow vista between the brim of my hat and my chin. Within this one-inch panorama, I could see several rock structures beyond the mouth of the bay. Standing alone in the ocean only a few hundred yards away, they appeared to be all that remained of some ancient lava tubes. With rain clouds forming on the horizon, I knew this might be the last bit of brilliant sunlight we’d have to light our way. The call drew me like north pulls a compass needle. As enticing as my comfortable spot was, my inner explorer’s voice was more so.

Sand was still firmly stuck to my back as I ducked under the waves to wet my hair. I slicked it back and strapped on my gear. Whether it brands me hard-core or not, this I know for certain: not once have I put my head under the sea and doubted whether it was completely worth it. For me, snorkeling is a wonder
every
time.

Troy, not wanting to miss out on an adventure, was soon by my side. Together we were immediately embraced by the cooling rush of fluid weightlessness. Swimming in suspended silence, with every stroke we drew deeper into a world beset with more color than the human eye can fully grasp. In the shallows we were hailed by a virtual rainbow of aquatic life. We streamed by schools of brilliant yellow tangs partially mixed with black-and-white sergeantfish. Nearly every nook featured finned bits of darting confetti. Each grotto staged a lively vignette of life under the sea.

As we ventured into deeper waters, the color and shape of life intensified into surreal combinations. Heavy parrotfish wore a delicious combination of sherbet colors. Moorish idols traced intricate patterns with their long trailing fins flowing like ribbons behind them.