Fever (26 page)

Her lips parted and he waited as she collected her thoughts. He could see her processing all he’d

said. Hell, he wasn’t even sure
he’d
processed it yet. This spilling his guts was not something he

indulged in on a regular basis. Or ever, for that matter. He’d never felt so goddamn vulnerable in his

life and he didn’t like it one bit.

He felt as though someone had opened him up and he was bleeding out in front of her.

“So what do you want from me?” she whispered. “I mean, really want? What am I to you, Jace? A

fling? A temporary submissive? A charity case? You have to understand that I’m scared too. I don’t

know what you want from me. You’ve done so much for me but I’m afraid to embrace it because all I

can think is that if you toss me out tomorrow, it’s going to be that much harder to go back to my life.

I’d rather never have known you and been able to savor our relationship than to suddenly be stripped

bare and return to the existence I’ve led until now.

“I’ve lived it most of my life. Even the parts of my life when I wasn’t on the streets weren’t happy

years. They were years of survival, of hoping for the best and usually not getting it. I’m okay with that

life. It’s all I’ve ever known. But you’ve shown me a
different
life.”

Her voice cracked and the pain hit Jace in the chest, nearly suffocating him. He wanted to pull her

into his arms and stop the bloodletting but he knew she needed to say this. They both needed it so they

could forge ahead.

Tears filled her eyes and she looked so afraid that it gutted him all over again.

“You’ve shown me how things could be,” she whispered. “And I want it, Jace. I shouldn’t want it.

I shouldn’t even dare to dream that something so beautiful could happen to me. But I want it all the

same. But if you’re going to take it from me, if this is only temporary, some amusement for you, then I

don’t want it because it will kill me to go back to
my
life.”

Tears slipped silently down her cheeks. To his shock, he found his own eyes burned, as if someone

had thrown sand in his face.

“And I know it sounds crazy for me to be asking you this. We’ve known each other for such a short

time. And it’s not fair for me to demand this of you. But I have to know because I can’t go back to

where I came from after dreaming of how different things could be. Of dreaming how it would be to

be with a man like you. Someone so far out of my league that I can’t even wrap my brain around it.

Don’t lie to me. I need to know if that’s all this is to you. Just something to pass the time with. A new

challenge. Please give me that much respect at least and let me go if I’ll never mean anything to you.”

No longer able to listen to the aching pain in her voice, he crushed her to him, holding her so tightly

he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.

“God, Bethany. Jesus, baby, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“With the truth,” she said against his neck.

He pulled her away, his hands sliding almost frantically up and down her arms. He wanted to give

her so much. Comfort. Reassurance. The words swirled in a cloud in his mind, but he had to get this

sorted. He owed her the words. The truth she’d asked for, even if it stripped him utterly bare before

her.

He sucked in a breath and leveled his gaze at her, hoping like hell she could see the sincerity in his

eyes.

“The truth is I’ve never felt this way about another woman. The truth is I’m fucking obsessed with

you. The truth is I want you in any way I can have you. The truth is if you told me right now that you

could never submit to me, never give me what I want so badly from you, that it wouldn’t matter. I’d

take you any way I could have you. The truth is
I’m not letting you
go
.”

Hope stirred in her eyes and it hurt him to see how quickly she made it go away. As if she was

afraid to allow that emotion in.

“I’m never letting you go back to the life you’ve led up ’til now, Bethany. No matter what happens

with us. And even if you ever decide I’m not what you want or need, I’m not letting you go back there.

Even if you won’t be with me, you’ll always be taken care of and provided for. Do you understand

that?”

She slowly nodded, her bottom lip pulled firmly between her teeth. Her grip was so tight on it that

she’d break skin and bleed. He gently nudged her mouth open, freeing her lip.

“What do you want, Jace?” she asked again. “I need to know what you expect from me. I can’t live

with the uncertainty of not knowing if I’m doing it right or wrong or if I’m screwing up.”

He sighed and ran his hands up her body and then back down again. She was cold. Chill bumps

dotted her torso and her skin was cool to his touch. All thoughts of sex fled. His arousal had waned.

Not because he didn’t want her. Not because he wasn’t desperate to possess her. But because some

things were more important than sex and satisfaction. “Get dressed, baby,” he said in a gentle voice.

Her gaze was immediately fearful.

He kissed her forehead. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re cold and we need to talk.” He

hesitated another moment. “Would you come back to my apartment with me? I’ll fix you some hot

chocolate and we’ll sit by the fire and we can talk. I’d like you to spend the night with me there.”

To his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her naked body to his. She hugged him

tightly.

“I’d like that,” she whispered.

chapter twenty-two

Bethany snuggled into Jace’s couch and stared at the flames flickering in the fireplace. She’d taken

her shoes off and curled her feet underneath her as she waited for Jace to return with the hot chocolate

he’d promised.

A moment later, he approached the couch and handed her a steaming mug. He too was barefoot and

she found the image of him in jeans, casual T-shirt and bare feet extremely sexy. But the man was just

gorgeous. Head to toe.

His hair was delectably mussed, flipping up at his collar, and a dark lock fell over his forehead

until her fingers itched to straighten it.

He settled onto the couch beside her and scooted in close so their bodies were touching. Then he

simply wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she sipped the cocoa. In between the times she

brought the cup to her lips, he pressed his mouth to her temple, kissing her skin and then sliding over

her hair to retreat when she took the next sip.

It was a moment she’d long remember. The simplicity of them sitting in front of the fire, barefoot,

comfortable. Relaxed. Just being. No place they had to be. No stress. Well, if she didn’t count the

impending conversation. But she’d gotten enough from Jace at her apartment to know that it would be

all right. She was at peace, even though she still had hard questions to ask. Somehow she knew it

would be okay, though. For the first time she could ever remember, she looked forward with

anticipation and not dread. There was no resignation of her circumstances. Things were
good
.

They had things to discuss. She very much wanted to know what his expectations were. But he’d

been completely sincere about wanting her. She believed him. Maybe that made her a fool, but she

didn’t doubt that he was committed to whatever this was between them.

And so was she.

She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed in contentment when he propped his chin on top of

her head. She savored the last sips of the chocolate and when she would have leaned forward to go

put the cup away, Jace wrested it from her grasp and set it on the coffee table.

For a moment they settled back into position, her in his arms, and quiet descended as she stared

into the fireplace’s glow. Then she shifted so she could look at him, saw the look on his face and

knew he realized it was time as well.

“Can I ask you some questions?” she said before her courage deserted her.

He reached for her hand, squeezing reassuringly, and then he nodded. “You can ask me anything,

Bethany.”

“What was it like with the other women you had this kind of arrangement with?”

He blew out his breath in a long exhale, and his words were carefully said. “Bethany, you aren’t

like the other women.”

She added her sigh to his. “Okay. I get that. I don’t think you think I’m like your other women. This

isn’t about me comparing or me being jealous or anything. But I need to know what you expect. I get

that you want me to be submissive and you like control. But that doesn’t tell me anything specific. I

need to know how it’s going to be with . . .
us
, and me asking how it was with your other women is

just me trying to figure out your expectations. I’m working blind here and that’s what makes me

nervous. Not you. I don’t think you’ll hurt me or freak me out. I just need to know what I’m supposed

to
do
.”

He looked discomfited. He sighed again and then ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even

more. It fell back over his forehead and this time she did reach up to smooth it. His gaze softened

when she touched him, almost as if she’d given him much-needed reassurance.

“The first thing you have to understand is that Ash and I . . .” He broke off. “Jesus, there’s no way

to say this without it sounding all sorts of fucked up.”

“Just
say
it,” she urged. “I’m not going to be angry. How could I be? You don’t hold my past

against me. How could I hold yours against you?”

“You’re so damn sweet,” Jace murmured. “I don’t how I got so lucky. When I think what would

have happened if I hadn’t seen you that night. If I hadn’t found you at the shelter . . . It guts me,

Bethany.”

Her eyes widened and her heart pounded as his words washed over her, warm and so very sweet.

She had to be dreaming. Never had she imagined meeting a man like Jace. He was so honest. So

straightforward. He wasn’t afraid to share his feelings. He wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable.

He averted his gaze, took a deep breath and plunged ahead.

“Ash and I shared women. A
lot
of women. As in, it was a lot more normal for us to hook up with

the same woman than it was for either of us to go solo. They weren’t always one-night stands either.”

“Like me,” she said softly.

His eyes narrowed. “No. Not like you at
all
. You were different from the very first.”

“Go on,” she urged, not wanting to distract him from their conversation.

“The thing is, we had threesomes a lot. I’m no saint, Bethany, and I damn sure haven’t lived as a

monk. And like Ash told you that first night, we like control. In all aspects. It’s a kink. It’s a turn-on.

But it goes deeper than that, at least for me. And maybe that’s why I never really got into a serious

one-on-one relationship with a woman. As long as it was confined to a kinky threesome, it seemed to

fit better. It came off more as a game and no one took it very seriously. But for me, it
is
serious. It’s

what I like. It’s what I
need
. And if you want or need an explanation as to why, I’m sorry, but I can’t

give that to you. It just
is
. I’ve never met a woman who made me consider suppressing that part of

myself. Until . . . you.”

Her body tensed in alarm, her protest immediate. “Jace, I don’t want you to be someone else for

me.”

“But you don’t know what you’re getting into,” he said in a low voice.

She shifted up on the couch, relieved they were finally getting somewhere. She pushed up, leaning

closer to him, staring intently into his eyes.

“So
tell
me. Lay it out for me. How do you know what I can or can’t accept if you won’t tell me

what your wants and needs
are
?”

“Because I’m afraid you won’t want the same things I do,” he admitted.

“I think I might surprise you, Jace,” she said in a low voice. “You know about my . . . past. I told

you how things were.”

Jace’s hand cupped her cheek, his eyes suddenly fierce. “Don’t, baby. There’s no need to rehash it

all. I don’t like how it hurts you, and it just reinforces in your mind that you somehow aren’t good

enough for me. That’s
bullshit
.”

She smiled, warmed by the intensity in his tone.

“What I was going to say is that not all of that sex was vanilla. The truth is, I think I tried it all. You

aren’t going to shock me. And I need to know what you expect so that I know if I
can
be
that woman

you need.”

He leaned forward until their foreheads touched. His finger traced a line over the curve of her

cheek and then down to feather over her lips.

“I like a woman to be
completely
under my control. There is something enticing about having a

woman dependent solely on me for her care, for her pleasure, for
everything
. I like to pamper and

spoil them but I’m also demanding. The thing is, I knew a long time ago that if I ever did enter a

permanent relationship my control would extend out of the bedroom and into all aspects of our life