Fertility: A Novel (34 page)

“I guess my mom checked back with the therapist who had worked with me all those months I was in the hospital. When he gave the okay, my mom agreed. My father didn’t give a shit. So we went to court and I became Richard Smith. I still remember that day. It was like with the stroke of his gavel, that judge scrubbed me clean.”

“I had no way of knowing, Rick. We never talked about things like this when we were together.”

“I tried to put all that crap behind me. But what I didn’t realize was that all that crap wasn’t done with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the thing I feared all my life was being anything like the man who had fathered me — a man who married and divorced several more women after he was done with my mother. I mean I look just like the bastard — at least from my memory of him. I think I ran away from any woman who wanted to get too close because I didn’t want to find out how much my father’s son I was.

“The terrible irony, of course, is I did exactly what he did. He left my mother and me high and dry, and goddammit if I didn’t do the very same thing to you and Anna. Believe me when I tell you that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

“But I refuse to let biology be my destiny. I
will
be a better man than the guy who fathered me. I want to be a better man for you, Sarah. Please let me. I swear to you, if you let me into your life, and into Anna’s life, I will love you both, and care for you both. No more running, no matter what.” He took her hand and brought it to his face. With eyes closed he kissed each of her fingertips and her palm, then laid her open hand on his cheek. She offered no resistance.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Much to Sarah’s relief, she fell asleep after Rick left and couldn’t remember a single dream. Abdominal cramping awoke her at six. Sarah called the nurse who quickly provided her with her new best friend, the bedpan. As difficult as it was to use the steel receptacle, she knew it was preferable to the debacle of the other night. Her belief in low expectations proved useful, allowing her to do what had to be done without self-recrimination. The nurse who assisted her was calm and efficient. The whole thing was over in a few minutes. Rick and that Dr. Lyi had been right. It was just a fact of life in the hospital.

News of her achievement, as well as her quiet night, was left on her chart, pleasing Jeff. Given her good lab results and physical exam, he decided that today was the day to close up her wounds and move her to oral antibiotics. He and his minions left Sarah’s room gratified with their patient’s progress.

After the doctors left, the therapists had their way with her. They got her off the bed and to the toilet. There she had another success, which buoyed her spirits. When Eva, Joseph and Rivka arrived at nine, they immediately sensed that Sarah was doing better than the day before. She asked for Anna to be put into her arms, just as Joseph bid everyone a good day. He was a man on a mission: a ten o’clock meeting with a major pharmaceutical company interested in his lab’s regenerative medicine research.

Eva asked Sarah if she was hungry and was pleased with her response: “I could eat something.” She’d brought her daughter’s favorite, a fresh, toasted garlic bagel with butter, and a thermos of some home-brewed coffee. Eva had no idea that it wasn’t the return of her appetite — but the knowledge that she needed fuel to recover — that prompted Sarah to chew and swallow.

As she worked on her breakfast, Bubbe Rivka sat beside Sarah, getting vicarious pleasure. “
Essen, essen, mein kint
. You neet to eat and drink and take goot care of yourself.”

“I’m trying, Bubbe.”

“I know. I know how hart it is for you — all dis
mishegoss
dat’s happent to you. You must feel like da whole verlt iz upside down.”

“Actually, I do.”

“During de var I felt dat vay day in and day out. It vas a horrible feeling. I vas so
farblondjhet
. Notink made sense. Everytink I knew — it vas all gone. So many people lost, dey shoult rest in peace. So many tinks lost. De verlt vent crazy. I almost vent crazy, too. I never talk about it because vat’s de use?” Rivka stopped for a moment, eyeing her granddaughter. “Now, maybe der is a use. I vant you shoult know a little of vat your zadda and bubbe vent tru. Maybe it vill help you a little bit now dat you have
tsoures
of your own.”

“
Tsoures
?”

“Troubles,
mein kint
.”

“Oh. That’s a good word to know. I guess I do have
tsoures
.”

“
Gevalt
.”

“If it wouldn’t be too much for you, Bubbe, I would be interested in hearing how you and Zadda Sam made it through the war,” Sarah said, looking at her mother to make sure she thought it would be all right. Eva nodded her assent.

“If it vill help you, den I vill try.”

“Thank you, Bubbe.”

“Vell, Sam and I ver from Vilna. Ve grew up vit a normal life, a house, parents, foot to eat. Ve certainly veren’t velty, but ve hat enough. Ven de Nazis came dey kilt many, many innocent people who vere mindink der own business, doink notink wrong. Dey lined dem up and shot dem deat. Vomen,
kinder
, olt people. Shot dem like dogs in de street. Den, dey roundet up all de rest of us and put us in a ghetto — vit guards and fences and bright lights. It vas like beink in a prison. But it vas in dat prison dat your zadda and I fell in love. Strange place to fall in love, eh?”

“Very strange, Bubbe.”

“Vell, Got has his vays I guess,” Rivka said, smiling to herself and nodding a bit. “Sam knew some men who hat run avay from de ghetto to join de resistance. He talkt me into runnink avay, too. My parents ver hundret percent akainst it. ‘No, you mustn’t go,’ dey sait. ‘Ve’ll behave ourselves and dey’ll leave us be.’ How wronk dey vere.”

Rivka stared into space for a minute before she cleared her throat and went on. “So, vun night, Sam and I and some uddas escapet tru a tunnel dat de men hat secretly duk. Ve ran like
meshuggenas
into de voots. Ve ran to de Rudnicki forest. I hat never been in de Rudnicki forest or any udda forest for dat matter. I vas a city girl, who likt nice dresses and de cinema. I knew notink about de voods and livink out in de open. Needa did Sam. He vas a scholar, not a voodsman. Luckily, vun of de guys knew de voods like de back of his hant,” she said, patting the back of her own hand. “Tank Got for his
seichel
. Ve valked and ran until I tought my feet voult fall off. It raint. Ve got soakt. Ve ran out of foot and vater. But finally, like a miracle, ve came to a little village in de middle of de voots. Jews hidink from de Nazis hat built dat village. And as little as dey hat, can you believe it, dey
velcomet
us. I criet ven dey callt us
landsmen
and tolt us ve coult stay vit dem.

“But it vas terribly hart dere. Ve livt in de bitter colt in bunkers mate from de branches of de trees. Ve drank vater from de svamp. Ve ate anytink, anytink — rotten potatoes, bits of meat left on bones, pits, anytink we could fint or steal from de fielts, Got should forkive us. Durink dat first vinta I vantet to kive up. ‘Vat’s de point?’ I askt your zadda. ‘Vy struggle so? Just let me die. Vun less mout to feet.’ But your zadda sait, ‘No, Rivka. Ve vill survive. Ve vill get out of here someday.’ And den he voult tell me stories of how it vas goink to be. How de fightink voult stop and how ve voult come out of de voots, how ve voult have a life again, vit a house, vit a hot stove and plenty of foot to eat. He tolt me ve voult have a veddink and den
kleine kinder
— a little
boychik
and a little
maidela
. It vas like he vas tellink me a fairy tale.”

Rivka stopped to blow her nose and dry her eyes. She looked at Eva, and saw she, too, was crying quietly. “But your zadda vas right,” she said, nodding her head slowly. “Ve got out of dose voots, but not for a lonk time. It took years, Sarah. Ant durink dose years ve verkt for de resistance. Your zadda vas a very brave man. I don’t know if you know dat. He helpt de resistance cut phone lines and bomb de Nazis’ trains. Ve vemen sewt and fixt de clothes for de fighters.

“All dat time, ve vere petrifiet for our lives. Ve lernt dat our families in de ghetto had been kilt. My momma, my papa, my liddle sister. All gone. Sam’s too. All gone.” Again Rivka grew quiet for a moment. “But in de voots, ve hat at least a chance to live and to fight de bastards who kilt dem.

“Finally, vat Sam sait really happent. De bat dream vas over ant ve coult get out of dose voots. But ven ve got back to Vilna, dere ve fount anodder nightmare. Everytink ve knew vas gone. De verlt ve knew erast. Completely erast.” Rivka stopped and shook her head from side to side as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

“Again, I almost vent crazy. But again, your zadda talkt to me. He tolt me, ‘It vill be all right, Rivka. Ve vill make a new life. A bedder life. Ve von’t forget dem — our parents, our sisters. But ve have survivet. And now ve vill start again to live. Ve vill make a goot life. You vill see.’”

By now all three women had tears rolling down their cheeks. Even little Anna started to whimper a bit before Eva comforted her with some milk. There was a long silence before Rivka could go on.

“So ve hat to struggle to get to a displacet persons camp. Ve vere starvink and filty. Ve hadn’t hat a real bat in years. Ven I tink of it now, I don’t know how your zadda coult have lovt me like dat — filty and skinny and half-
meshugga
. But, somehow he dit. And I lovet him — filty and skinny, vit crazy hair ant a long beart. Ve got marriet in dat displacet persons camp.

“Your zadda never gave up on me. Ant I figurt if he vouldn’t give up on me, how coult I give up on me? So I put one foot in front of de udder and kept movink ant doink until, after a vile, I began to feel like
efsha
maybe, der vas a drop of trut to vat your zadda sait. Ven your momma vas born, it vas like sometink inside me turnt on, like a svitch turnink on a light. I knew vat it vas to feel joy again.

“Ve got to dis country and look at the life ve hat here. Your momma and Uncle Max, so educatet, so successful. A beautiful apartment vit not vun — but two — toilets. All de hot bats ve ever vantet to take. All de foot anyone coult ever vant to eat. Ant a
shana
granddaughter, a fancy schmancy lawyer livink on de Upper East Side, namet after my momma. Who voult have ever tought two skinny refugees from de voots coult have a life such as dis? But your zadda believt it vas possible. In de middle of de vorst misery, he believt in sometink bedder.

“So Sarah, I am telling you dis now, not to make you sat. I see you are crying, ant your momma is crying. I don’t vant you shoult be sat. I vant you shoult celebrate. Celebrate because ve survivet. Ant you,
mein kint
, you vill survive, too. Just as you survivet from de terrible accident, a
brokh
, you vill survive all dat you have to deal vit.

“Sveetheart, I’m an olt voman now. Ven I’m not here anymore, I vant you should remember vat I tolt you today. Remember dat as lonk as you are alive, der is alvays a vay out, alvays a chance to make tinks better. Never, ever, ever give up. Promise your bubbe.”

Sarah could hardly speak. After hearing of her grandparents’ travails, she was ashamed of the pity party she’d been having in since the accident. “I promise. And I won’t forget, Bubbe. I’m honored you shared what you and Zadda Sam went through during and after the war.”

“It’s all right. Stop crying now, sveetheart. But always remember who your people are. Ve are survivors. Ant you, my darlink girl, you are a survivor, too. Just as Zadda Sam promist me, I am promisink you — you vill make a good life again.”

When Mrs. Goldberg’s son arrived at noon to pick her up, Rivka was ready to leave, her mission accomplished.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Sarah took to heart what her Bubbe Rivka had said about coming from a family of survivors. A survivor faced what lay ahead — not with resignation, but with grit and determination. She thought about what Rick had said about the need to fight to recover. Fighting was more than submitting to every treatment and procedure. From now on, she would fight to get her life back.

As a first step she decided to tell her parents about Anna’s father. That night, when Joseph arrived — elated with the results of his day-long meeting — his happiness reached new heights when he saw his daughter’s dimpled smile for the first time since the accident. When he asked how her day had gone, she responded, “It was a good day today, Dad.”

Joseph looked at Eva for guidance. She looked back at him, exhausted but beaming and said, “It’s true. Today has been something of a turning point for Sarah. Wouldn’t you agree, hon?”

“I would. I had a memorable visit with Bubbe, my wounds were stitched up and it looks like I’ll be moving to the hospital’s rehab wing in the next day or so.”

Joseph was jubilant. “That’s marvelous, Sarah. I have good news, too. Bob and I met with Adventa Pharmaceuticals. They were impressed with our work and offered us a deal that will allow us to expand our stem-cell project tenfold.”

Eva put Anna down in her stroller and embraced her husband. “Oh, Joe, it’s what you’ve been working so hard for. I’m so proud of you.” She kissed both his cheeks before they shared a kiss.

Sarah looked at her parents, so in sync. Then she remembered Rick’s visit the previous night. She wondered if she and Rick could ever be so attuned to one another.

“Well, break it up. There’s a small child in the room,” she good-naturedly scolded her parents.

“Hey, we’re entitled. It’s about time we had a good day,” Joseph countered.

“I have some more news for you. Maybe you both should take a seat.”

Joseph and Eva gave each other a quizzical look before sitting down next to one another.

“Okay,” Joseph said. “We’re ready. And I, for one, am dying to know your news.”

Sarah dove into the deep end of the pool. “Anna’s father has come back into my life.”