Feral Park (57 page)

Penelope (the former upstairs maid): “The minister’s cat is an arthritic cat.”

Henrietta (the former poultry maid): “The minister’s cat is an arthritic, bubo-covered, broken-down cat.”

Atkinson (a former footman): “The minister’s cat is an arthritic, bubocovered, broken-down, constipated, can’t-crap cat.”

Mrs. Rooke (the former housekeeper): “The minister’s cat is an arthritic, bubo-covered, broken-down, constipated, can’t-crap, decrepit, doddering, dying and nearly dead cat.”

Timmy (a former groom): “I should like some cheese.”

Anna took Mrs. Epping up stairs where it was quiet, and heard both good news and bad. The good news was that Miss Henshawe had, indeed, made her way to the gipsy camp and had staid with her new friends for two days but then left when she misheard how long by English law one is permitted to reside with gipsies before he or she becomes subject to arrest and hanging under the Bloody Code. They did not know what became of her—only that she wandered farther into the wood with a little bread and a scarf and some earrings which she had been given, and that after such a brief visit they still missed her, for she had helped with the chores and changed the nappies of the merry-begotten babies in the merry-begotten baby nursery.

“But at least we know that she was alive when she left the gipsies, and that is cause enough for great hope. I will go to Moseley Manor at this instant and tell the Henshawes. Do you wish to accompany me, Miss Epping?”

“Alas, I cannot, Miss Peppercorn. Mr. Alford is to give Mr. Epping and myself our dance lesson within the hour. We do not intend to be the sort of chaperones at a ball who only sit and comment on the dance figures and the costumes. We should like to dance ourselves, and most especially to dance the Viennese waltz with one another!”

Anna started. “Mr. Alford did not tell me when I agreed to allow him to program dances for the ball that there was to be a waltz.”

“Aye. It is to be the first in the entire county! It will indeed be a scandal, but we shall be scandalized and transported all at the same time!”

Anna could not believe that Mr. Alford was programming an iniquitous waltz for her ball. She went to have a word with him in the kitchen, where he was found squatting upon a chair and quickly chewing his way through an apple tart.

“Is this true, Mr. Alford? That you are programming a
waltz
?”

“The waltz was danced at court just last year, Miss Peppercorn, and under the imprimatur of none other than the Prince Regent himself.” Colin wiped a napkin across his be-crumbed mouth and hopped down from his perch.

“I recollect it, Mr. Alford. I remember, as well, that the
Times
deemed the display a national disgrace. They called it a contagion, Mr. Alford.”

“Your opposition, which, if I may be blunt, Miss Peppercorn, borders on the ridiculous, is a true puzzlement. Not even three miles from here is the soon-tobe-opened Three Whores monkey parlour—a venue, madam, for scandalous dancing such as to put the waltz into the same category as ‘Ring Round a Rosy.’ You have absolutely no sense of perspective, and my terpsichorean fetlocks will not be hobbled by your Puritanical short-sightedness. There is scandal that appalls, Miss Peppercorn, and then there is scandal which thrills and delights, and I intend to offer scandal of that latter species—an evening of spice and twirl and every thing that makes love bloom and grow, and is this not your purpose for putting this evening together—to bring new love to full blossom?”

“The couples
touch
, Mr. Alford. The man holds the woman about the waist and there is a great deal of, of…touching!”

“What in the world has come over you, Miss Peppercorn? Were you not even three nights ago touching Mr. Waitwaithe in that very same way
and
much more in a dark woods with no one to audit your corporeal intimacy?”

A dark blush overspread Anna’s cheeks. “How do you know what went on between Mr. Waitwaithe and myself on that night?”

With an arch smile: “I study the cut of men’s clothes, Miss Peppercorn, for I enjoy noting the way they fit the male frame, especially if it suits with style. Your Mr. Waitwaithe’s buttons were misaligned. It is certainly not the way that he wore them the day before. I have seen him at Scourby’s offices and he is always perfectly put together. I maintain that they were misaligned, Miss Peppercorn, because the clothes had been removed and then hastily redonned. They had been removed, Miss Peppercorn, because the two of you had, no doubt, spent the night in some form of naked union that could be easily guessed at.”

Anna was mortified. She could not even speak. The two were standing in the empty kitchen, but still Anna looked about to see if there was anyone who may have audited the allegation. Thankfully, the corridor outside the door appeared empty as well. Anna sat down at the kneading table and bowed her head. She kept it this way for a moment and then looked up and said, “Do you intend to tell your brother Perry what you have found out?”

“Have I any reason to?”Colin Alford sat down across from Anna. He did not look cross, but neither did his face seem to acquit her for what she did. “I know why you find it objectionable that we should have a waltz, Miss Peppercorn. You do not wish to be accused of hypocrisy—fighting the monkey parlour, yet having salacious dance sets at your own ball. But permit me, if you will, to point up the difference between a man and woman touching one another in whirling sensuous affection as the Germans have been doing for decades and the Parisians since the Revolution (and not a single proper Frenchwoman has dropt dead from the witness of it), and that vile business which is to take place at the Three Whores Tavern. Attend what I am saying, Miss Peppercorn: you must not worry that there will be any thing more than a turned head or two, or perhaps a briefly raised brow. And since only a small number of those who will be attending your fête have even been to a ball before, there may be even fewer manifestations of shock and distaste than
that
, for with what will your guests have to make the comparison?”

Anna took Mr. Alford’s point with a nod.

“There are only three things that I wish from you in exchange for my not telling Perry of your inconstancy.”

“Yes?”

“First, I must know for certain if you maintain any relic of feeling for Mr. Waitwaithe which may ever again put you in the position of giving yourself to him as you did in the woods.”

“I do not love Mr. Waitwaithe any more than you love those with whom you romp and trifle.”

With a smile: “Aye. But this is my brother we are talking about. It is not my desire to see his heart broken in the event that something be rekindled between you and Mr. Waitwaithe, or even should some other Mr. Waitwaithe come to entice your female loins.”

Anna coloured deeper but did not protest the vulgarity.

“Take Mrs. Taptoe’s son Maurice, for example. Perry has told me that you have expressed a great interest in meeting him when he is come.”

“He has already come, Mr. Alford, and will be up to Feral Park as soon as the quarantine is lifted.”

“And do you fancy him?”

“I have not even met him. That is, I have not met him as a woman, for I knew him only as a very young child. Besides, my father does not like him. He has made this clear. Contrariwise, Papa is quite fond of your brother Perry, notwithstanding his laudanum habit. For my part, Mr. Alford, I am quite fond of your brother as well. Excessively fond. I am wild for your brother, and would find no one better with whom to spend the rest of my life, should I live to be two hundred.”

“That makes me very happy to hear.”

“And does this admission suffice to put the matter of Mr. Waitwaithe to rest?”

“Not quite, my sweet. I still have not mentioned the other things I wish in exchange for my silence.”

“The waltz. Yes, yes, you may have your clutching waltz.”

“But not the waltz only. I seek a promise from you that
none
of the dances I chuse will raise objection from you.”

“But I know not what dances you will have.”

“Then you must trust me. I assure you that none will be of a simian nature or like the Balum Rancum, which the lewd ones do, requiring that all the women hop about without a stitch.”

“Yet you intend for there to be
other
dances in which men and women touch and place their hands where hands do not usually go, am I correct, Mr. Alford?”

Colin Alford nodded. “Dances which allow love to effloresce, Miss Peppercorn. For if it is to be truly an amative ball, then all must leave the assembly with both feet off the ground! Oh, yes, and the last thing: Mr. Groves and I will be dressing most of the men who will attend. There is a rig that I have in mind—a uniform, if you will—and Mr. Groves has taken the design and got two tailors from Smithcoat to help him turn them out. I intend to see that a majority of the men at our ball should be fitted up in the way that will best recommend them to the ladies.”

“I cannot even imagine what you are devising,” said Anna with a weary sigh that had a tincture of fear mixed into it.

“I suggest that you make the hartshorn available in large quantities, for it will be a night of magnificent swooning! Oh, my word, Miss Peppercorn, I have one final request.”

Anna sighed again, now with impatience. “I cannot begin to imagine what else you seek.”

“A small item. Very small. Another apple tart. The first was quite delicious.”

With another tart in hand, Mr. Alford left to return to his students, and Anna went to prepare herself for her visit to Moseley Manor to tell the good and the bad about Miss Eliza Henshawe, which she had learnt from Miss Epping.

As she was passing Mrs. Taptoe’s room to enter her own, Anna was stopt by the picture of her Auntie seated upon her bed in a fit of weeping. “Auntie, dearest, what is the matter?” Anna enquired with solicitude.

“It is your father. He has just now given me the letter from Maurice which came a full two days ago!”

“I did not think he would wait so long,” said Anna to herself in a low voice, although Mrs. Taptoe heard the whole thing.

“So you knew the letter had come with the Southampton mark on it? You knew that Maurice had reached England and was safe and you did not think even to tell me yourself?”

“I am sorry, Auntie. Mr. Taptoe’s arrival is not the first thing that has escaped my attention. I cannot even count all the things that are crowding my mind these days.”

“Yet you and your father must know that it is the
most
important thing to
me
! How could you neglect me in such a way, Anna? How could you keep me in the dark, when you know that I have spent each hour of every day wondering if my boy will make a safe passage?”

“There is no excuse. Please forgive my thoughtlessness, Auntie.”

Mrs. Taptoe nodded and dabbed an eye. “You are a good girl and not thoughtless as a rule. I therefore acquit you.”

“Thank you, Auntie.”

Mrs. Taptoe blew her nose. The sound was similar to a goose honk, for the mouth was employed. “You look to be off somewhere. Do not let me keep you.”

“I do not mind this interview, Auntie. Perhaps it would serve for you to tell me what there is about your son that puts my father into such a disagreeable state.”

“Did Mr. Peppercorn tell you to come and ask me this?”

“Nay. In fact, he says that I should
not
for I will only be frittering my time.”

“I am so angry with him that I am tempted to tell you.”

“Then tell me.”

“No. I shall not. Only your father maintains that right. Besides, I do not wish to anger him further against the Taptoes, for when word arrives that Maurice may come up, I wish to ask for the carriage to go down and fetch him. Moreover, Maurice will need someplace to stay until the two of us can be settled elsewhere. I cannot run the risk of being turned out for saying that thing which I have promised your father I shall never say.”

“Your arrangement, Auntie, does not take into consideration my own feelings and wishes.”

“You are right. Pity. Run along, my dear. I should like to close my eyes and conjure happy thoughts.”

On her way to see Mrs. Henshawe and the two daughters of hers who were
not
lost, Anna’s carriage came upon a man sitting on his saddle in somewhat the way that a woman would. It was, in fact, the man who also
was
a woman: John Dray.

“Stop the carriage, James. I wish to say something to this person.”

John appeared to be in a state of great agitation. “Miss Peppercorn, I am so glad to see you. I have looked all about the parish since my arrival and cannot find any thing of Miss Godby. The dwarf house is closed up and there is a posting which says ‘to let.’ Pray, Miss Peppercorn, tell me that Mrs. Taptoe has not died and my Miss Godby been sent back to Godby Keep!”

“All is well, Mr. Dray. You are to be married by Mr. Nevers in two days— the very morning of my ball. Come when the knot has been tied and we shall all drink a toast and permit you a special wedding dance.”

“But where is she? What have you done with my bride-to-be?” “She is safe, Mr. Dray. She resides in Smithcoat, at the Pickler House.” “What is she doing
there
?”