Feel (Sense Series Book 1) (4 page)

“Hey, Honey,” I said to Michael when he answered the phone.

“Oh, hey babe,” he said with a hint of stress in his voice.

“Is everything okay? I’m dressed and ready.”

There was silence over the phone for about 10 seconds and my stomach dropped.

“Hello, are you there?” I asked.

“Uhhh, yes I’m here and I’m so sorry but…”

“No! Please don’t say it. Please don’t tell me that you’re cancelling on me again.”

“I’m sorry but I have to. Work has gotten completely out of control and there are unforeseen factors that have come into play and the team and I have to prepare.”

“I’m so tired of this shit, Michael. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day and then you wait until the last minute to cancel on me. Didn’t you know that you had to cancel earlier today?”

“I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to but things haven’t happened the way that I intended. I promise that I’ll make it up to you.”

“Sure you will. You were supposed to make something up to me tonight and we both see how that’s turning out,” I retorted.

“I’m sorry that you’re so upset about this, but I really do have to work. I’ll come by after I’m finished but that probably won’t be until about 2 or 3 in the morning.”

“You know what, don’t bother,” I said and then hung up the phone.

My blood was boiling and I was beyond upset. I paced around my house and tried to hold in my tears. I was not about to ruin my freshly applied makeup, although it didn’t matter anymore because I didn’t have anywhere to go. I thought about calling Elizabeth but I didn’t want to ruin her night. If I called her crying, she would rush over with no questions asked. I could use a good cuddle but she deserved to have a life even though my own was beginning to fall apart.

I sat on my bed and felt an overwhelming sadness sweep over me. I turned down the opportunity to have a great night for Michael. I was confident that he was going to come through for me and he hadn’t. I was confused because I wasn’t sure if he really had to work or not that night. He could have been at the office or he could have been out with someone else. It still sucked either way in my opinion, because I knew that he was out with someone the night before.

My mind drifted towards thoughts of Adam and I wondered if he was out for the night. I couldn’t expect him to still be home after I turned him down. However, it wouldn’t hurt to try. I didn’t want to sit at home all alone another night. I tried to put my emotions in check and to gather up the courage to knock on Adam’s door. I hoped that I wouldn’t make a complete fool of myself.

I walked down the hallway and my heart beat faster with every step. I timidly knocked on his door. I realized that this must have been how he felt this morning when he knocked on my door. There was no answer and so I knocked again a little harder. I didn’t hear any activity coming from his apartment and so I counted it a loss and started back towards my place.

As I was halfway to my place, his door opened.

“Kerry,” he said with surprise in his voice.

I smiled to myself before I turned around to face him. He was home and the butterflies in my stomach began to wreak havoc.

“Hi,” I said nervously.

“Wow,” he said looking me over, “You look…beautiful.”

I felt my cheeks flush as his compliment washed over me.

“Thank you,” I responded, “But I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Michael had to work tonight and so I was hoping that your offer still stands. I really don’t want to be alone tonight,” I admitted.

“I would be more than happy to keep you company. I didn’t cook but I did just get a delivery of Chinese food, I’m willing to share.”

“Chinese sounds great,” I smiled.

“Well come on down,” he said impersonating a game show host.

I giggled and walked back down the hall and into his apartment. My night was salvaged and I began to feel better already. I felt wanted, welcomed, and gorgeous.

“I’m a bit overdressed, maybe I should go change.”

“Oh please don’t, I’m enjoying the view. I don’t mind if you don’t,” he said as he grabbed me a plate and filled it up with an assortment of grease filled cuisine. It was just what the doctor ordered for me. I could use some comfort food.

“I don’t mind, I guess all of my work shouldn’t go to waste,” I reached out and grabbed the plate, “Thank you so much. I was thinking that you’d gone out tonight.”

“I was considering it, but I didn’t feel up to it. Now, I’m happy that I didn’t. I wouldn’t be here with you right now. I would have kicked myself if I missed this opportunity.”

“I’m glad that someone feels that way,” I admitted before diving into my food.

To hear someone say those words to me broke my heart a bit. I wanted Michael to feel that way, but he was showing no signs of missing me at all. He seemed to be distancing himself, when he should be kicking himself for not spending time with me. I gave an audible sigh.

“Are you okay?” he asked with concern in his eyes.

I thought about giving him the standard, ‘I’m okay,’ but I didn’t want to lie and I really needed to vent. I knew that it wasn’t a good idea to vent to a man about your boyfriend but I needed to talk and he looked like a great listener.

He put his plate down on the coffee table and turned towards me, showing me that I had his full attention. I echoed his actions and mentally prepared myself to talk to him.  I knew that once I opened up about my life to him, there would be no going back. He would know about my fears and I would be vulnerable.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m here with you. I was so disappointed when I had to turn you down this morning because I really enjoyed hanging out with you last night. But I can’t deny that I’m upset about my night. It didn’t turn out the way that I expected it to.”

“Although I’m happy you’re here, I don’t like the fact that you’re upset. I’m sorry that it’s not what you want.”

“Look at you, apologizing again for something that you shouldn’t.”

He laughed, “Well this time I don’t feel guilty about it. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you but sometimes I really don’t think so. I seem to have the worst taste in men, I’m getting what my poor judgment deserves,” I said as I leaned back against his couch.

“No, you just haven’t met the right one. I don’t want to give my unsolicited opinion, but there is no reason that you should be alone at night. If you were mine, you would never be lonely.”

Our conversation was going down a very slippery slope that I wasn’t prepared for.

“So many men say that, and then they’re off doing exactly what they claimed they would never do.”

“I pegged you to be a lot of things, but a pessimist isn’t one of them,” he said.

“See, you don’t know me very well at all,” I laughed.

“I know enough,” he countered.

“Please enlighten me.”

“Well, I know that you are a great friend, you’re introverted like me, you’re feisty, you’re beautiful, career driven, you want more, you’re strong, and you have an obsession with Whole Foods.”

“How do you know all of these things? “ I asked trying to hide the feelings that were starting to come to the surface.

“I’m observant, and at the risk of sounding like a creeper, I’ve been watching you since you moved next door to me. I was heartbroken when I saw that you had a boyfriend.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. You’re with someone and I know that women like you don’t go for guys like me. I can’t say that I blame you.”

“Oh shut up,” I said, “What do you mean women like me? You’re good looking, thoughtful, and wonderful to be around. You’re a catch, any woman would be lucky to be with someone like you.”

I clamped my mouth shut at my own admission and my words shocked him. He cleared his throat and re-adjusted in his seat. The silence between us was deafening and I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. I looked down at my hands and began to fidget.

“Well this is awkward,” he said breaking the silence.

“You’re right about that, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to lead you on. You’re a wonderful guy but I do have a boyfriend. Actually I don’t think that I should be here at all. I’m sorry,” I said as I stood to my feet and bolted for the door.

He was on my heels, “Now look at who’s apologizing,” he laughed.

I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him. His hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me tight against his body.

“How about we don’t make anymore apologies tonight,” he said before he placed his lips against mine. My entire body responded to his sensual assault.

My head, heart, and body were all giving me mixed signals and my body went into autopilot as I returned his kiss. My lips were pliant against his; his kiss was demanding and assertive. I was shocked because it wasn’t what I expected from him. My heart raced as I felt his impressive bulge press against my lower belly.

This couldn’t be happening to me right now. I wasn’t thinking straight but at this point I just didn’t care anymore. I needed to forget and lose myself in the moment. I wanted to be free of worry and anxiety even if it was only for a moment. I lifted my hand to the back of his neck to deepen our kiss. His tongue tentatively probed inside of my mouth. He tasted sweet and the spicy smell of his cologne intoxicated me.

My hands lowered along his back and I felt his taut muscles through his shirt. He was small in stature compared to Michael but he was powerful. Adam broke our kiss, and stared into my eyes. I felt self conscious beneath his gaze and kissed him again to end his uncomfortable appraisal. My hands went to his belt and I began to unbuckle it.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

“Shhh,” I told him. “Let’s not talk. I just want to feel,” I said as I pulled him closer to me and explored his mouth with my tongue.

I felt his entire body become rigid beneath my touch and I knew that I did something wrong. He pulled away from me and went to take a seat on his couch. He ran a hand over his face and regained his composure. I self-consciously smoothed my dress back down and readjusted my hair.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.

He gazed at me with a solemn expression, “I don’t just want to fuck you, I want you, and I want all of you. Even if we only make love tonight, I don’t want a detached version of you. I want more and if you can’t give me that, then it’s best that we don’t do it at all. I won’t be happy that way.”

I felt as if I was standing before him naked. He saw a part of me that I seldom showed anyone. I was curious as to how he knew that he wasn’t getting all of me. I’d gotten to the point where I used sex as a way to distance myself from emotion. He was asking that I combine the two. I felt completely unprepared to deal with the fallout of what would happen if I let go. Would I be able to stay connected during sex? My hormones demanded that I try, and I wanted to know if he could usher me through the process.

“I haven’t stayed connected during sex in a long time,” I admitted as I took a seat next to him. “I really didn’t realize that I was using it in a way to distance myself. I’m willing to try it as long as you don’t use it against me later.”

“I would never use something like that against you,” he rubbed my cheek with his palm. “All I know is that you and I are here tonight and I want you. I hope that the feeling is mutual, and I would like to explore the possibilities. You don’t have to feel obligated to do anything that you don’t want. Either way, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

I looked into his brown eyes as if I could find the truth there. My heart was telling me that he was being honest and his words sank into my psyche. I fought the urge to mentally cast his words away as lies. I realized just how badly Michael had messed me up mentally. I was no longer sure if I could discern between truth and lies. I closed my eyes and exhaled all of my doubts, tonight I would do my best to focus on the positive. I was ready to experience real intimacy.

I leaned in against his hand and kissed the inside of his palm.

“Okay, let’s do it,” I said.

He didn’t need any further coaxing. He reached into my hair and slowly pulled each of the pins out of my hair. As he removed each one, my hair fell down onto my back and shoulders.

He whispered, “Beautiful,” and I couldn’t tell if he was speaking to me or to himself. I was losing myself in his admiration. I wanted to bathe in it, I felt safe and beautiful in his presence.

“Lay on the couch for me and put your legs in my lap,” he commanded.

I obliged his request and placed both of my legs in his lap. His hands explored my bare legs just below the knee. His callused hands rubbed and caressed my calves; I relaxed beneath his touch and leaned back as he explored my body. His hands lowered to my ankles, he raised it to his lips and pressed a firm kiss against my flesh as he unbuckled each of my shoes.

He massaged each foot in his strong cable hands and I reveled in the pampering.

“You have beautiful feet too,” he said to me, “I’ve wanted to get my hands on them for hours.”