Feel Like Makin' Love (Rock and Roll Trilogy #3) (21 page)

“I read on the
internet this morning that if you put the shakes in the freezer about an hour beforehand, they start to get slushy and it feels good in the mouth.”  

“Mom,
she’s got like four more weeks.”

“
Tamara told us that everyone handles it differently. Carlee’s so little; maybe her system just can’t take it. Maybe we need to talk to Tamara,” Geni said.

~ ~ ~

At the flat, Andy sat beside her on the bed. The TV was on, but the sound was down. He stretched his legs out, lovingly stroking her hair, and noticed some of it in his hand - it was coming out.

“Papa, I know,” she said. “You don’t have to try to hide it. I saw Matthew grab a handful off my pillow this morning
and when we showered yesterday,” she said and started crying.

“What are you crying about?” he asked abruptly. “I remember a conversation in the hospital;
‘It’s just hair; my beauty is more than these reddish curls,’
you said.”

“I’m not crying over the hair; really I’m not, Papa. I just can’t stop crying. I
t just pisses me off, all of it! The crying makes me feel weak, and that just pisses me off more!” she said and folded herself into his arms.

~ ~ ~

An hour later, Geni and Matthew returned to find the two of them still sitting on the bed, just like that. Andy got up, and Matthew gave Carlee the medicines that he’d just picked up. She lay back down, and he slid down in the bed beside her, holding her in his arms. He stayed with her until she fell asleep and then joined Geni and Andy in the kitchen.

Geni planned a dinner of mashed potatoes with beef and gravy. She shredded the beef to make it easier for Carlee to manage. She didn’t know if she would tolerate the beef, but she knew Carlee loved mashed potatoes and gravy. While they were together they talked about her toleration of the treatment, about her hair, her emotions. Andy shared
what had happened with him while they were gone. And all of them found themselves sad.

~ ~ ~

Later, Carlee called out to him, “Matthew!”

“Everything OK?” he asked as he quickly entered the room. She’d slept almost three hours. He noticed that she looked remarkably better.

“I feel much better. Can you sit with me a minute?”

“Sure,” he said.

“When I woke up I had an idea, and I wanted to share it with you,” she said excitedly.

“Go,” he smiled at her.

“Well, I was thinking about all those people who go through this same crap and how unnerving and frightening it is. I know my hair is coming out. I don’t want you to keep picking it up off the pillow. And I don’t want you trying to hide that you did - or Papa loving on me and ending up with it in his hands…”

“OK?” Matthew waited.

“I have a big idea for tomorrow. I want someone to shave my head, but it can’t be you.”

“Why can’t it be me?” he asked with a big smile.

“Because I want you to take pictures,” she explained. “Lots and lots of pictures.”

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.

“Positive… Don’t laugh, but I was thinking we could call Johanna, and she and Kyliejo could come over. You’ll have to go get a razor and stuff, and we could shave it funny and get some colored markers and y’all can draw on my head. But they would have to be the wash-off kind…” she smiled.

“Are you delirious, high on those meds?” he asked, and smiled, but he knew
– this was just Carlee. This was her way of dealing with her fear, and she was thinking of Kyliejo going through the same thing, knowing this would make it easier for her too.

“Andy, Mom, come in here quick, she’s lost her mind!” he laughed.

The two of them entered the room quickly.

“What’s going on?” Geni asked. When they entered the room and saw the smile on Carlee’s face
, she had no idea where this would go.

“Matthew thinks I’m whooped up on drugs, but I’m not! I had an idea
, and he’s not come around to it yet,” she laughed. “I want to shave my head, just get it over with. My hair is coming out, so I thought we could make it fun. I want to invite Kyliejo over, and I want Matthew to take pictures. Y’all can draw on my head, and we can get Percy and Megs on the video app and let them watch, if you think that would be OK.”

“And then Matthew, my sweet husband, we’ll tie some of the pretty scarves around my head
, and you can take some beautiful shots, too,” she told him.

“I told you, she’s lost it,” Matthew laughed. But the more they all processed what she was sayi
ng, the more therapeutic it felt.

~ ~ ~

Matthew stayed with her while Geni and Andy went out. Carlee called Johanna Smithson to tell her of her idea. “I don’t know how far progressed Kyliejo’s treatment is; I mean I know when she started, but I don’t know if it’s hit her as hard as it’s hit me in the last few days. My hair is coming out in gobs, and I had a bad bout of vomiting this morning.”

Johanna
listened as Carlee told her what she was going to do. “Remarkable,” she said finally.

“Hunh?” Carlee asked with that scrunched up nose expression that Matthew loved.

“You. You are a remarkable young woman. You know, it’s just Kyliejo and I; her dad left us when she first started to get sick. Oh, he sends a check once a month, but it’s hard sometimes. His insurance takes care of most of her medical bills, but he’s not around to help me through this… and I’m off work so much. Oh, I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to tell you my troubles. We would love to join you, be around happy people. What time?”

Matthew took the phone and gave her directions
, and they agreed on three Sunday afternoon. As he talked to her, he saw Carlee out of the corner of his eye. She’d slid down in the bed and was crying. He knew what she was thinking; he’d heard the conversation. Carlee was thinking about her dad.

~ ~ ~

Andy and Geni returned an hour later with the supplies Carlee requested. Geni also picked up a few more scarves, bigger than the ones she had gotten to cover the shaved area of missing hair. Carlee stayed in bed as Matthew went and told them the plan for the next day. And he told Andy about Carlee.

“May I?” he asked and Matthew nodded as Andy headed to the bedroom. He
knocked lightly on the door and stuck his head in. She was propped up on pillows, gazing into the room, not seeming to be fixed on any one thing.

“Hey sleepy beauty, may I join you?”

“Sleepy beauty,” she laughed, “haven’t heard that in a longtime.” She patted the place beside her. He sat, putting his arm around her, drawing her closer.

“I can’t think of a time when
I’ve been more proud of you than I am at this moment.”

“Why now, Papa?”

“You and your mama, you are so different. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean that she knew what you are going through wasn’t for her – it was too far along, and here you are, already donating the ponytail and about to embark on a new journey, allowing Kyliejo – someone who is probably just days away from what you’ve experienced the last few days – to join you, to make it easier for her when it happens. I love you so much. I love the passion that is in everything you do. And I am proud to call you my daughter.”

“Those aren’t just words,” Carlee said. “It’s a place.”

“Do tell,” he smiled.

“Any man can be a father, but you, you are the best papa I could ever imagine, and I can’t imagine my life without you. You are a place in my heart.”

~ ~ ~

They sat quietly a moment and suddenly she shouted out, “I’m hungry!”

“That’s a good thing!” Matthew said as he entered the room.

“All I have to do is mash
the potatoes and it’s ready. Andy cooked the meat, and made the gravy,” Geni bragged from the kitchen.

Matthew helped her dress
, and they went to the table. Geni looked at Carlee; the curly hair was flipped to the side covering the area where her head was shaved, and she couldn’t imagine her shaving it off,
but that’s Carlee.

“Papa, you are getting pretty good at this cooking thing,” Carlee laughed.

“You just get good at the eating thing,” he said in reply.

~ ~ ~

Sunday morning when they woke, Carlee felt pretty good. She sat at the kitchen table with Matthew and enjoyed, but slowly sipped a cup of coffee. “You sure you want to do this?” he asked.

“Yep. Partly because I just want to get it over with. Plus,” she said apprehensively, “It will be good for Kyliejo to see.”

Suddenly in his head, Matthew saw Carlee as the best mother he could ever imagine, and he prayed.

“How ‘bout a shower?” she asked, raising her eyebrows as she did.

“Frisky, are ya?” he laughed.

“Ya never know. When the opportunity rises, I gotta grab it and hold on!” As she said the words they both roared with laughter, a sound that had been absent lately.

~ ~ ~

When Andy and Geni arrived, Carlee had
on make-up, and she looked beautiful. She was wearing shorts and a teal tank top. Geni thought it brightened her face and made her even more beautiful, and she felt a lump in her throat. There was a knock at the door, and Geni opened it to find Kyliejo and Johanna Smithson.

“Come in, Carlee is waiting for you!” Geni said. “We’re going to the bedroom, follow me.”

Matthew had a purple backdrop set up on one side of the bed and spread white sheets over the bed covers. He decided that they would sit on the bed, with Carlee in the middle. He called Thomas and Angela the evening before and told them what they were doing and asked if they thought Percy and Megs would be OK seeing it. They thought it was a good idea.

“I don’t want to say these words, but now that this has touched all of us, the girls need to know what’s going on. I think Carlee’s passion will show
, and they won’t be scared,” Thomas said.

Matthew had both his and Carlee’s laptops with th
e video application open. Thomas, Angela, and his girls were on one… Brian and Malia were on the other. He also had a recorder set to video the whole thing.

“Good morning!” Carlee said as Kyliejo and
Johanna entered. “I’m so happy you came!”

Geni showed Kyliejo the screens where Percy and Megs waited
and introduced them.

“Are you ready?” Matthew asked.

“Yep, let’s do this thing!”

“Are you sure?” Geni asked
, and Carlee nodded. Matthew handed the shaver to her.

“OK, here goes…” Geni said. She took two swipes
, while Matthew took several pictures. Carlee looked beautiful. Geni handed the razor to Andy, but he hesitated. It was quiet a moment, bordering on awkward.

“Come on, Papa, you can do it!” Carlee urged.

He made a swipe and watched the hair fall to the bed and held his breath.

“It’s
OK,” Carlee said. “Remember, it’s just hair…”

Finally, he made the second swipe. Geni took the razor back and shaved all but a patch across the top of her head, from the forehead to the back. She then took scissors and cut the hair that remained short. “Mohawk,” she said. Kyliejo and Carlee laughed, and she could hear Percy and Megs giggling.

Finally, Geni gently shaved the remaining hair. “Hand me a mirror please,” Carlee said.

She held her breath and closed her eyes.
I won’t cry, no matter what,
she chanted the new mantra to herself. Finally, she opened her eyes.

The others looked on and waited.
“Bald
is
beautiful!” Carlee laughed and it was genuine laughter. Matthew got shots of her reaction too. She ran her hands around her bald head. “It feels funny!”

She looked at the markers lying on the bed. “You first
, Papa!”

Andy took a red marker and drew a large heart on the back of her head. Inside he wrote ‘I LOVE YOU
.’

Then, Geni washed it off, and with a blue marker in her beautiful handwriting wrote the word, ‘HOPE
.’ “It tickles,” Carlee laughed.

“Smiley face!” Percy yelled and Geni washed her artwork off and drew the smile, and then added a tongue so the smile was sticking its tongue out.

“Flower!” yelled Megs. Geni washed the smiley face off and asked Kyliejo if she wanted to take a turn.

She
nodded and took the blue and green markers and drew more flowers. Johanna was afraid she would be scared, but it appeared that she was having fun. And she noticed something deeper - Kyliejo was thinking about something.

“Mom, can you take a few pictures?” Matthew asked.