Feathermore (20 page)

Mom turned around at the commotion and went pale. I looked behind me. Surely they wouldn’t look this way because of me, right? I stood up and took a couple of steps down toward the yard.

“
What’s wrong?” I said. “You guys look as if you just saw a ghost!” I giggled, mostly because I was feeling rather uncomfortable at the way they were staring at me. Neither of them said a word. Mom went over to Dad, who put his arms around her in a protective way. A tear started rolling down her cheek. “What’s wrong, Mom?”
I asked, and moved toward her. They stiffened, so I stopped.

“
You’re not supposed to be here,” Mom said. “Why
are
you here, Jade?”
Her voice sounded worried, as if I were doing something illegal by dreaming about them.

“
It’s just a dream,” I said. “I’m dreaming about you because I miss you both so much.”
I ran toward them, not even caring that they actually took a few steps back. I kept right on going and hugged them both. The tears had started, and I just wanted to be with them, even if it was in a stupid dream.

I felt their shaky arms embrace me, their scents filling up my lungs with lovely memories of happier days.

“
You are not supposed to be here, princess,”
Dad said, kissing the top of my head.

I shook off his words. It was my dream, and I could do whatever I wanted in it. As if he heard what I was thinking, he continued, “It is not a dream and you really need to go before they find out.” I pulled away this time, drying my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. What was he talking about? I glanced at Mom, hoping to get a different reading from her, but I didn’t. She put her hands on my face and kissed my forehead.

“
You need to go back now,” she said. “You can’t stay here too long, or you will never find your way back home, honey.”

I closed my eyes. More tears came, making everything look blurry. “What are you talking about?” I said. “This is my dream and I can stay here as long as I want to, Mom. I don’t want to leave. I miss you.” I could barely understand myself through all the sobs.

Hearing a faint chime in the distance, I looked over to the thick woods to make sense of the music.

“
It’s time to go now, princess.”

I didn’t want to. They held my hands and smiled as the forest behind them started to fade, and gradually they, too, began to grow indistinct. I held their hands even tighter, as if that would keep them with me, but now there was only darkness. It had no beginning and no end. Darkness all around me, until it was both me and the familiar chime in the background.

I leaned over and turned off the alarm, quickly sliding my arm back under the covers, for it was still strangely cold in the room. I looked at the window, and to my surprise, it was open again.

I went over to it and closed it, pressing the latch even harder. From here I could see Claire’s car in the driveway. I called after her, expecting her to be somewhere in the house, but no response came. I went straight into the bathroom for a morning shower I didn’t feel like taking.

The last day of school before winter break was a joke and had been for the past three years. We never got around doing any schoolwork, since the teachers seemed more excited by the prospect of two weeks’ freedom than any of the students did. Ms. Nash hadn’t even shown up for lit class and was probably already in a city far away, enjoying one of those pink drinks she liked to talk about. The cafeteria was rather empty, as many had skipped school or left early, ready to start the partying.

Avan and I were sitting on the same side of the table, facing each other with our legs on either side of the bench. Mine rested on top of his as we talked about tomorrow and the rest of the week in the mountains. Here and there, whenever Miss Fern wasn’t looking, I stole a quick kiss from him. She had once seen us by the lockers, lost in a long, lingering kiss, and interrupted it by clearing her throat and serving us with detention slips. She said how inappropriate it was and how disrespectful of the other students. Of course, nobody really cared about it except maybe for Amy, but that only made it that much sweeter.

“
Have you seen Amy today?” I asked Avan, looking around the cafeteria.

He thought about it a moment and said, “To be honest, I haven’t seen her in a few days.”

Another one of Lilith’s victims? I doubted it—if she had gone missing or had been found murdered, it would have been the talk of the school.

Claire and Nate had skipped school today to get all our things ready for tomorrow, pretending to go into town to “buy” warmer clothes, food, sleeping bags, and some board games and DVDs. We had allowed Avan to pay for gas on this trip since everything else was taken care of, even though we hadn’t had to spend a dime. Still, it went well with the rest of the charade.

“
I need to drop my mom off at the airport by six,” he said, “so I was thinking of maybe coming to get you after. We could grab some dinner in town? Maybe catch a movie?” His face was inches away from mine, and with every word he spoke I could feel his warm breath caress my face.

“
Sure. Sounds like a plan,” I said, feeling almost out of breath, drawing even closer to him and running my hand through his wild, dark hair. I was about to kiss him when we were interrupted.

“
Avan!” That grating high-pitched voice meant she hadn’t been a victim of Lilith’s wrath after all. She looked at him, pretending that I didn’t even exist.

“
I’m throwing the party of the year at my house, and you should totally come,” she said. “Its gonna be fabulous!”

She kept looking at him as if the appropriate response would be for him to jump up and down with joy. But he simply grabbed the green flyer she was handing out, and set it on the table.

“
Awesome,” she said. “I can’t wait to see you there! It starts at seven.” She flipped her hair in that annoying way she had perfected, and strutted over to the next table.

Avan crumpled the flier into a ball and tossed it into the garbage can that was almost ten feet away, nailing it.

* * *

That evening, he picked me up a little before eight. The nights were beginning to get much colder now, and I had needed to bundle up, making a complete hash of my plan to look sexy.

I had decided, with some help from Claire, to wear my black leggings with a plaid skirt over them, a long-sleeved black V-neck shirt, my thick black trench coat, a scarf, and knee-high leather boots. Okay, maybe I did look a little bit hot still.

When I walked into the living room, where he was waiting for me, he stumbled to his feet, his mouth slightly open as he took me in. The outfit appeared to be a success after all.

I giggled under my breath and reached behind him for my purse.

“
You look great, babe,” he said as he gave me his arm. “Ready?”

I locked my arm around his and let him lead me out the door.

Neither of us was hungry, so we decided to skip dinner and catch a movie—popcorn and a soda would fill me up just the same. There was nothing very exciting playing at the single movie theater in town, but then, we weren’t feeling especially picky.

We made our way up the aisle. He walked in front of me up the steps and pulled me to the last row, and we sat in the middle of the row, with a perfect view of the screen. He settled into his seat and put the large soda in the armrest cup holder, then set the bucket of popcorn on my lap and grabbed a handful.

For a Friday night, it was pretty empty. There were couples scattered here and there, and a handful of people sitting alone. I figured that everyone who was anyone must be at Amy Crayhill’s party.

I won’t deny it: part of me wanted to go and have a great time like any other kid in school rather than be an outcast, treated as if I had the plague. Even though the rumors about me had proved false and I was cleared of all suspicion, people still kept me at a distance. I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself, though. The second I set foot in Amy’s house, people would start talking about it until word of mouth reached her. I could just see her so vividly, stomping her way over to me, yelling a little, embarrassing me only to kick me out, making a huge scene for everyone to talk about for the next couple of days.

The movie ended up being a real tearjerker, and by the end of it I was bawling. I hadn’t let Avan see me cry when my parents died, but here I was, weeping over some stupid movie. He squeezed me with the arm he had kept around my shoulder throughout the whole movie. He lifted my chin to face him, and I looked up into his eyes, as if I could see through them and into his soul. I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too much.

The pull of the energy between us was almost visible. There was an undeniable connection, and I knew that it ran deeper than the mere fact that I, apparently, had voluntarily fallen from heaven for him. There were so many changes taking place in my life, so much that had been sacrificed. I didn’t want him to be one of them. I would do whatever it took to keep him safe, to keep him from running away. But then again, was there anything I could do about that?

His lips parted as he tried to say something, but I wouldn’t let him. I smothered his words with a kiss. My fingers were in his curls, pressing him against me, my tongue entwining with his. His arm dropped to the small of my back and pulled me closer against him. This time my back started burning, letting me know just how close I was to giving myself away. The kiss deepened, his hands gliding around the sides of my body. I felt him groan softly as our tongues seemed to merge. The stinging between my shoulders grew sharper.

We were both out of breath when I pulled away. My lips felt scorching hot and swollen. I took a few deep breaths, letting the pain recede until it was nothing but a minor ache. I felt as if we were the only people in the world. Everything around us was blurry and out of focus, like an impressionist painting.

A bright light shone on us from the aisle. The usher had caught us making out. I buried my head in Avan’s chest, embarrassed, while he apologized. I wondered how long it had been since the movie ended. It felt as if only a minute had gone by. He handed me my coat, and I slid the leather strap of my purse over my shoulder. He held my hand as we went out into the chilly night.

We sat in the car without talking, waiting for the heater to warm us up. Even inside the car, our breath fogged. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and was glad to see I wasn’t the only one grappling with my inner beast. He looked deep in thought.

Outside, a group of college students walked past our car, knocking on the window and making obscene gestures.

I was afraid of where I wanted to take our relationship next, knowing the full extent and the terrible finality of the consequences that the choice would entail. Somehow, though, right now it didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered. When I fell from heaven, no one came looking for me to take me back. No one did a double take when I went missing. I obviously wasn’t as important to anyone up there as Claire and Nate made it seem. Avan was all I had left, and I loved him to pieces. I wanted to be with him no matter what the risks were.

We drove in silence to my house, feeling a little awkward for some reason. When we finally got there he put the car in park but didn’t kill the engine, instead letting its purr fill the silence. I didn’t want to spend the night alone, and I felt uneasy knowing he would be alone as well. But asking him to stay screamed of desperation. He would most likely get the wrong impression, and there was nothing I could do about that at the moment.

“
What are you thinking about?” he asked as he wrapped my hand in his.

I thought about it for a minute and then shifted my weight to face him. Even here in the darkened car, he managed to leave me breathless.

He stared intently, waiting for me to proceed, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

“
What would you do if I turned out to be someone different?”

“
What do you mean?” His eyelids scrunched.

“
Would you still love me?”

“
Jade, what are you talking about?”

Why isn’t he just answering the question!
I searched his eyes, hoping that somewhere I could find the answer I was looking for, but nothing came.

“
I—I don’t know,” he finally replied. “It depends, I guess.”

I nodded in acknowledgment as the red flag waved right in front of me. Letting go of his hand, I opened the car door, and the chill of the night licked my face and began to seep into me. “Good night,” I said. Before he could say anything else, I closed the door and ran up the driveway and into the house.

After I slammed the door and heard the roar of his engine speeding away, I fell to the ground. He would never accept me for who I was. It was all in vain, I had fallen in love with someone who wouldn’t love the real me back. After the frustration ceased and I was able to think again, I looked around the house. It was empty, dark, and cold—just like my soul.

I dragged my feet up the stairs, and this time I opened the door that led to my past, to everything I had once had and loved. The scent of vanilla floated in the air, wrapping around me and bringing me down to the shattered shell that I truly was.

I stood at the door for a moment, taking in the dark room. My hand found the switch, and the lights blazed on. The bed was perfectly made, and the whole room was immaculate, no doubt thanks to Claire’s cleaning team. I walked in, grazing my fingertips against the dresser with its perfumes and colognes neatly set in a bamboo basket. I picked Mom’s favorite perfume and sprayed it on my left arm, then got Dad’s favorite cologne and sprayed it on my right arm. I smelled one and then the other, both of them together. I started to break down. I could feel my already shattered soul cracking into ever smaller pieces.