Fears and Scars (19 page)

“
T
hanks
so much for checking up on me, guys. I appreciate it,” I tell Polina and Ivan as we make our way to the hospital cafeteria.

“Of course,” Polina says. “I wish we could do more, though.”

Granny’s recovery will take time, so I decided to take a break and not to enroll in any evening classes this semester.

Ivan throws his arm over my shoulder and tucks me close to his broad chest, steering us along the long hall full of people. “How’re you feeling, princess?”

“A bit tired.” The truth is I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years. My head throbs, and I have no idea when I’ll find the time to create the presentation Ana needs for tomorrow. “But I’m great as long as Granny feels good.”

Giving me one of his boyishly charming smiles, Ivan reassures me, “If your Gran’s anything like her strong-willed granddaughter, she’ll be fine.”

I laugh for the first time in like forever, and Polina gives the world-class flirt that is our friend a light slap on the shoulder. “Come on, charmer, hurry up. Liza’s belly can’t be filled with your nice words. We women need food.”

“Cafeteria food sucks,” Ivan declares.

“It’s not so bad,” I protest and draw away from him.

As Polina and Ivan debate the pros and cons of cafeteria food, I feel his gaze. When I search the crowd, my eyes immediately find Ryan. Dressed in a black leather jacket and dark blue designer jeans, he stands near the window down the hall, staring, watching. It feels like a million tiny shards of pure energy reverberate in the space between our bodies.

Goosebumps race over my skin.

It’s been two weeks since he came back into my life. Even though I spend most days at the hospital or work, Ryan is always there, always close. We haven’t talked about our relationship again after that evening at the hospital, and I’m kind of glad since I’m far from being ready to decide what I will do.

It would be foolish to deny that I want to be with Ryan. My resistance has been dissipating every day since he reappeared. I’m only human, but I’m weak when it comes to Ryan Price. I want to believe things will be different this time; however, hurt and fear still eat at my soul making me doubt if I can ever trust him again.

“You go on and order something for me,” I tell my friends. “I’ll catch up with you in a second, okay?”

“You sure?” Ivan asks while Polina drools over Ryan.

“Yeah.”

After giving Ivan a feral glare, Ryan brings the full weight of his gaze back to me.

“Hey,” I say, closing the distance between us.

He stays silent and appears to be struggling against some dark impulse. I see the moment he loses the fight—his eyes become taunting and daring, and a mask of indifference slips over his features. “So, this is the new boyfriend?”

Unbelievable. He has no right to ask me that. We aren’t together. I didn’t promise he’d get another chance. And I was very clear that I’m not ready for anything. What did he expect? That he’d just show up after all this time, and we’d automatically go back to where we left off?

“Screw you, Price. Ivan’s my friend. A friend who understands I need support right now and not a mind fuck.”

I watch him swallow as his gaze settles on the shoulder where Ivan’s hand rested moments ago. When he says nothing else, I turn and begin walking toward the cafeteria.

Screw Price and his possessive, macho bullshit. I have my plate full without him adding to it. Our messy relationship is the last thing I have time to stress about right now.

I manage to make only a couple of steps when Ryan catches me around the elbow and turns me to face him. I don’t even have time to react when he crushes me to him, lifts my face to his, and kisses me hard.

Ryan kisses me like he’s never kissed me before. With desperation, as if he’d die if he stops. His lips and tongue are demanding, hungry, almost bruising. It’s not the tentative, reclaiming kiss I expected us to have after so many months apart. No. This is a devouring, claiming, and merciless kiss. It’s an I-hate-seeing-other-men-touch-you, why-are-you-fighting-us, every-second-without-you-is-torture kiss.

Feeling fire run through my veins, I bring my hands up to cup his jaw and kiss him back with everything I am. Even if I’m not ready to admit it, being without Ryan has been an insufferable anguish for me too. No matter how hard I try to deny it, my heart still wants him with every beat it takes.

I don’t even care that we’re making a scene when my hands roam over his hard body, grabbing and squeezing.

When our lips finally part, we stare at each other, his breaths as labored as my own. I swallow. Neither of us moves as tension zings between us.

Shit, what have I done?

In a poor attempt at protecting my heart, I take a step away from Ryan and murmur, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

His jaw clenches and his eyes fill with a rush of remorse.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t … God, I’m such a fucking asshole. I’m really sorry.”

No, I didn’t mean that. I want you to do it again. No. I don’t.

God, I’m a mess.

“It’s okay. I mean … I did kiss you back. I…” My stammering will cost me.

His expression suddenly relaxes and a bit of a triumph flashes in his eyes. “You did.”

He cups my cheek, his thumb tracing the line of my jaw. “Let me chase away all your fears about us. Let me kiss all the scars I left on your heart.”

He’s so earnest in his plea.

“Ryan …” I whisper, feeling the walls I’ve built to protect myself crack with his every word. And his expression. God, I’m drowning in the depths of the emotions pouring out of his green eyes.

“Being apart from you, thinking I’d never hold you like this again has been hell.”

Holy, sweet Lord. What is he doing to me?

Radiating agony streams from him. “Never again I’ll make a choice for you or demean your opinion. I promise to always respect your wishes and your freedom to make decisions for yourself. No matter how strong my feelings for you are, it doesn’t give me the right to decide for you.” He pauses and gathers a deep breath. “It took me a long time to realize we have nothing without trust. I know that now. I’ll never make the same mistake again, Liz. Let me make good on every broken promise. Let me dry every precious tear you shed for me.”

He leans down, his lips hovering over mine, and whispers across my mouth. “Elizabeth, please, forgive me.”

His plea wraps around my heart and squeezes, taking my breath away. I push back the tears.

God, I dreamed about this moment for so long. Now it’s here, and I’m stunned and lost.

Before I can form a coherent thought, his lips are on mine again. This kiss is different. It’s loving and slow and begs for forgiveness. And it ends too soon.

“I know your friends are waiting for you. Call me when you’re ready for me to be in your life again. I’ll be waiting. No matter how long it takes.”

Wait. What?

My emotions choke me as I watch Ryan walk down the hall and away from me. He disappears from view, leaving me in such a state that I can hardly string two cohesive thoughts together.

Who does that? Who leaves like that? Asshole.

He was right to leave. His presence, his kisses and touches make me defenseless. I promised myself not to be so easily dazzled again, yet here I am trembling with lips swollen from his kisses. My heart thuds uncontrollably in my chest, and the urge to run after him chokes me.

I draw in a deep, steadying breath.

There are two options here. I can ask him to leave my life for good or take a leap of faith and try to make this work between us.

What do I do?

“
R
yan
, wait.” I run through the hospital parking lot after him.

He is standing against his car, his shoulders slumped like he’s been carrying an enormous weight for far too long.

I forget to breathe when he turns toward my voice and his eyes set on mine. Our gazes tangle, and I get lost in his green depths. I can see his heart in his eyes, and I can’t help but fall for him all over again. That’s my Ryan standing right in front of me.

My Ryan.

The one I’ve been missing all these months, the one I still desperately and irrationally love. I’m blessed to recognize the same kind of love reflected in his eyes.

Suddenly it becomes so clear—what he did wasn’t because he wanted to hurt me but because of the tremendous amount of love he has for me. That’s just the type of person Ryan is. He’ll give up everything to take care of those he loves, even if it means he’ll be miserable.

I slow down when I’m a few feet away from him, my heart beating a million miles a minute.

Let me chase away all your fears about us.

Let me kiss all the scars I left on your heart.

Let me make good on every broken promise.

Let me dry every precious tear you shed for me.

The emotions I hoped to suppress surge forward, completely overpowering my hurt, anger, and fear. Any barriers I had left crumble to dust. What we have, that feeling is unstoppable. Heady, frightening, beautiful. Our love isn’t perfect, it may be as flawed as we are, but it has always been the most right feeling I’ve ever experienced. Our love fills every tiny void in our chests. Our love makes us whole.

It’s the feeling people live for. And this is the only truth I care about.

I take a step toward him. At the same moment, Ryan begins to close the distance between us.

“I feared there would be no healing us. That the scars were too deep,” I admit. “I didn’t know if I could ever fully trust you not to leave again. I guess some selfish part of me was trying to stay away from you to prove to myself that I was strong enough.”

Ryan closes his eyes. “Liz—”

“It’s all a bunch of crap.”

And his green eyes reemerge, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“Because when I look at you, it feels like there’s no painful past, no mistakes were made, and nobody’s feelings were hurt. It’s just us.” While I struggle for the right words, Ryan blinks, looking slightly confused but relieved. “Giving our relationship another chance, letting myself go all-in again, knowing damn well it might hurt again … it’s scary as hell, but I know it’s worth the risk. That
you
are worth every damn risk in the world.”

“I am?” he asks, his forehead scrunched up in confusion.

“You are,” I reassure him. “I’m absolutely sure. My heart … Ryan, it still beats inside your chest. I have no idea how it’ll work. I don’t think we can start where we left off, nor can we go back to the beginning.”

Triumph fills his face. He smiles brightly at me, his eyes shining. “Then we start somewhere in the middle, sweetheart. We start where it feels right. I promise you we’ll figure it out. All of it. Together. No more planning on our own.”

It’ll take work, and faith, and a whole lot of trust to get where we were before. It’ll take letting the hurt go, too.

“And there are so many things we should discuss. What about Jacob and Granny? My job’s here, and your dreams are across the ocean.”

His grin is huge when he pulls me to him. He wraps his arms around me, lifts me, and spins me in a big circle, squeezing the breath out of me and making me laugh.

“We’ll figure it all out,” he vows as he sets me back down and pulls me so close it feels like every inch of my body comes in contact with every inch of his. God, we fit together so perfectly. “My only dream is right here in my arms.”

His lips meet mine with raw hunger. I make a small, triumphant moan when his tongue parts my lips and slides into my mouth, stroking against mine as his fingers curl around the nape of my neck. A jolt of arousal spreads through my blood when I feel the pressure of his erection against my belly. I thread my fingers through his hair and kiss him with the same intensity that he kisses me.

“Let me take you to dinner tonight?” He asks me when we come up for air.

He nips at my lower lip, coaxing me into agreeing as if I am not convinced enough by now.

Before I can tell him I’d prefer he take me to bed, my phone shrieks from my jacket pocket, startling us both. I step back and reach for it, shaking my head in exasperation. “Sorry, I have to take it. It must be Ana.”

T
hey say
life can change faster than the beat of a hummingbird wing.

They also say life doesn’t give you anything you can’t endure.

I say the Universe has a mission to inflict pain upon the person I love most in this world.

The phone call Liz received wasn’t from her boss, it was from the hospital. Maria Smirnova crashed during some tests, and the doctors could do nothing to save her.

Just two weeks ago, Elizabeth stood in this same waiting room and was told her granny would pull through. Today, the doctor tells her very different news. When Liz breaks down into choking sobs, I take her into my arms, gently lower us to the floor, and hold her against me. I alternate between kissing away her tears, running my fingers gently through her hair, and tenderly rubbing her back. My gut twists as I witness her misery.

Hours later, her sobs subside. When she says she’s ready to say goodbye to her grandmother, I tag along. I didn’t know Maria very well, but I’d spent hours visiting her with Liz back when we got engaged. I listened to her stories in Russian. Even though I understood nothing, the language barrier didn’t prevent me from seeing what a good person she was. Elizabeth may not have shared blood with her, but they were definitely related by kindness.

Saying my goodbyes, I thank Maria for everything she’s done for my girl—for taking her in, for being there for her, for doing everything in her power to make her feel better, for loving her granddaughter.

“I’ll always love you, Granny,” Elizabeth whispers clutching her grandmother’s hand while silent tears run down her cheeks.

“Ryan, I’m okay,” she reassures me when we leave the hospital.

The pain I see in her eyes sends a blaze of anguish through my chest and up into my throat. The woman I love more than anything is being torn apart once again, brick by brick, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

“But I can’t think about us right now. I don’t know when I will be ready. I know it’s not fair to you, but I just can’t.”

“Take all the time in the world. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

“Thanks,” she whispers and bites her lower lip trying to contain her emotions.

I don’t hesitate to pull her into my arms and hold her tightly, my fingers twine into her silky hair.

Kissing the top of her head, I say, “Your granny lived a long, good life. She’s in a better place right now, where there’s no pain, where she remembers everything. She’s happy there.”

Elizabeth nods against my chest. “She’s with Mom and Dad, and my grandfather.”

A
s the minister
says his final words at the graveyard, I slide my arm around Elizabeth’s waist and hold her tight, wishing my love could ease her pain.

Although she’s been stoic while making funeral arrangements and during the entire service, the truth was in her eyes all along. Another loss has been utterly devastating for her. It’s crushing her. Even though I feel her pain, I can do nothing to ease it.

As the casket is lowered into the ground, a weak, tortured sound escapes Liz’s mouth. She hasn’t shed a single tear since the hospital, but I’m afraid this is too much. I’m ready to catch her if her legs give out, but it doesn’t happen. She takes several deep breaths, murmurs something to herself, and straightens her spine. After she pulls herself together, she gives me a quick nod and leaves my arms. Watching her throw a handful of soil onto the casket and silently say her final good-bye makes my chest so tight I find it hard to breathe.

Why is life so cruel to such a sweet, fragile soul?

Mark comes up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’m jetting off after saying goodbye to Liz. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

I give him a short nod.

Mark arrived in Moscow as soon as he heard about Maria. Jacob wanted to come too, but I knew it was too much for Liz. I didn’t make the decision this time. I asked Liz, and she said she’d rather meet her brother under better circumstances.

“Thanks for coming, Mark.”

“Don’t worry about a thing back home. I promise to take care of Jacob and everything else.”

He pats me twice on the shoulder and heads toward Elizabeth who’s standing with some of her friends from school. When Mark hugs Liz and murmurs something in her ear, Nina gives him the evil eye.

Elizabeth’s best friend isn’t my fan these days either. She hasn’t spoken a word to me except the threaten to wrench my balls off and hand them to me if I hurt
her girl
again. Nina also did nothing to stop me from staying as close to Liz as I could, but each look she has given me feels like it’s meant to burn me alive. I can’t blame her considering what I’ve done. I’m actually happy
my
girl
has someone as loyal as Nina by her side.

Maria outlived most of her friends and Liz is the only close family she had left. Most of the clinic personnel as well as some patients attended the service. The crowd thins as people head back to their cars after offering their condolences.

When I spot Liz kneeling down at the spot where the casket now rests in the ground, I make my way to her.

“How do I forgive myself, Ryan?” she asks me, lovingly running her hand over the soil.

“Forgive yourself?”

She stands up and turns to me. My eyes trace down her sorrow-laced face. “I agreed to the surgery. She might still be alive if I—”

“Hey, baby. Stop it. It wasn’t your fault.” I stroke my knuckle down her cheek. “You did everything right, and the doctors did everything they could. You know I consulted with the best specialist from New York, and they totally agreed with your granny’s treatment plan.”

“I know. It’s just hard to feel helpless. I could do nothing to beat her Alzheimer’s and then her heart …”

I feel her pain like it’s my own.

“Liz, you did everything you could for your grandmother, always putting her first. You did great. Things just happen. Terrible things we can do nothing about.”

She wraps her arms around her center. Her gaze drifts to the grave.

“I’ll deal with her death the way she’d want me to—by really living. One day I’ll make her proud.”

I have no doubt she will.