Fearless (14 page)

“That’s good to hear. Just give her time,” Liam advised.

I did feel worlds better, though. Even if my mom didn’t like the fact that I was gay, she was at least trying to cope with it. It was the “trying” part that made all the difference. The complete rejection she’d started with had been too much to handle. The situation wasn’t at all comfortable—dinner was an awkward affair that night—but at least the secret was out and I didn’t have it hanging over me anymore.

Chapter 14

I
WAS IN A MUCH
better mood when I showed up for training the next morning. I’d gotten some real sleep, which helped. With things at home less scary, I was able to focus on the fact that Kanoa had been so incredibly kind to me the day before. Training with him was already fantastic, but the idea that we were becoming friends made it so much better. I was even thinking of asking him on another waffle friend-date—just to say thank you.

I got quite an unwelcome surprise when I spotted Kanoa talking to some girl I’d never seen or heard of before. I stopped out of earshot, not wanting to eavesdrop. They seemed to be arguing. They used a lot of very big hand gestures. And then there was hugging. I didn’t like the hugging
at all
.

Of course he has a girlfriend, you idiot.

I’d even sort of assumed there was some girlfriend-person somewhere. But having her show up during
my time
with Kanoa filled me with this overpowering jealousy. Couldn’t she leave me the space to have my fantasies? Was that so much to ask?

When she departed, I approached him, forcing the sour look off my face. “Morning.”

He beamed at me. “You look better.”

“Yeah, I sort of worked things out with my mom.”

“Oh good. Congrats.”

“Thanks.” I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me that he’d taken the time to look out for me yesterday. But that just sounded weird in my head. Instead, I said, “Guess we should work off those waffles.”

At least that got a grin from him. “So, three weeks from the first meet. You excited?”

I was terrified, but I didn’t want to show that. “Can’t wait.”

“You’re doing the one-hundred meter freestyle?”

“That’s what Lancaster told me.”

“That’s my race.”

“Any advice?”

“Be faster than the other guys.”

I laughed. “Thanks a lot.”

His responding laugh was like music in my ears. Oh yeah, I was in serious crush land.

Things at home remained tense, but there wasn’t anything to do about it. Spending time with Liam made it a lot easier to bear. Whoever said laughter is the best medicine was one smart person.

Zach did end up asking for a new partner. My new table-mate was a girl named Shelly who spent the whole class texting. That was fine with me. I was just glad to not have Zach and his unpleasant homophobia sitting next to me. I had too many other things on my mind, like a swim meet that was coming up pretty fast.

Most of the team was buckling down and getting ready. Jimmy, of course, kept up his pranks because he’s apparently a five-year-old in a teenager’s body. I kept expecting the coach to say something to him, but Lancaster seemed way too willing to let the team sort out its own problems.

As I came out of the locker room one day, I came on this really twisted scene. Jimmy, who really needed to fucking grow up already, had invented a new game. Somehow, he and his jerk friends had gotten Bailey’s suit off of him and were playing keep away with it.

I barely had time to wonder where the coach was before I charged in.

Bailey was holding up better than I would in the situation. He had one hand over his bits while with the other he was trying to get his suit back. I would have bolted for the locker room if had been me. Either Bailey was incredibly brave or he was so freaked out the idea hadn’t yet occurred to him.

One advantage of being six feet tall? Keep away is a game you always win. I grabbed the suit in midair and handed it to Bailey. Then I turned on Jimmy, ready to fight for the first time in my life. I was just totally pissed. I’d had it with his bullshit.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “We’re just having some fun, matchstick.”

“Bailey’s on your team, you dumb fuck.”

Everyone stared at me. Even Bailey just stood there, his suit in one hand, his eyes wide in absolute astonishment. No one could believe what they were seeing.

The air crackled with tension as the alpha wolf and his challenger faced off once again before the pack. This would be the last time, though, I decided.

“You think you’re something?” Jimmy sneered. “You think you’re all that? The coach only asked you to be on the team because he felt sorry for you. I heard him say it.”

It was a really good, really low blow. A couple of weeks ago, it would have crippled me. But things had changed.

“I don’t think I’m all anything,” I said, surprised by my calm. After facing off with my mom, though, this just didn’t seem that scary. “I’m just here to swim. But we’re a team, not your personal toys to fuck with. I don’t know
what
your fucking little psychodrama is. I don’t know if you’re queer and taking it out on everyone around you or just an asshole. But knock it off.”

“Did you just call me a fag?” Jimmy asked, his voice low and dangerous.

“No, I just said you might be queer the way you like yanking guys’ suits off.”

That was the breaking point. Jimmy’s handsome face contorted into something ugly and scary and he came at me. It was just him, though. He’d lost all of his fans and all of his support. He needed to put me down if he was going to get his alpha status back.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster or whoever is up there has a sense of humor, though. Because just before he reached me, he slipped on the wet cement, flailed and went into the pool. The whole team laughed, because it was the worst end of a bully in the history of the world.

But then I noticed he wasn’t coming back up.

“He’s faking it,” Chad said.

“Too scared to surface,” Tony said.

I’m the current expert on falls though. I know what a real fall looks like, and I know that when you’re in one, you don’t have any control. It’s pretty easy to knock your head onto something. I dove into the pool, straight down to where Jimmy was blissfully sinking.

He was a limp rag when I grabbed a hold of him (from behind, like we’re taught). I pushed off the bottom and brought us to the surface. Jimmy didn’t stir, which freaked me out. The rest of the team stopped laughing when they saw it. Bailey, Chad and Tony all leaped in to help me.

We got Jimmy out and onto the concrete. Fortunately, Bailey knew CPR, so he took over. I sat back and waited, quietly freaking out about having accidentally killed a teammate. That was a new level of fail for me. And I’d thought I’d gone as low as I could.

But Jimmy sputtered and coughed up pool water a few seconds later. Everyone let out a cheer and Bailey got a lot of pats on the back.

“What the hell is going on out here?”

We all turned to the coach, a chorus of innocent faces. “Nothing,” I said.

“Jimmy slipped and hit his head is all,” Chad added.

“I told you all to stop horsing around. Someone take Jimmy to the nurse.”

“I’ll do it,” Kent volunteered.

Jimmy was in bad shape as he wobbled to his feet. He leaned heavily on Kent, groaning a little from the massive headache he had. I hoped it would teach him a lesson.

“Thanks,” Bailey whispered to me. “I owe you one.”

I was still riding an adrenaline high. I could feel it coursing through me, making my fingers and toes tingle. “Don’t mention it,” I told him with a grin. “How was kissing Jimmy?”

Bailey went beet-red. “Like kissing day-old trout.”

The face-off with Jimmy elevated me in the team’s eyes, which was flattering. Some of them actually
talked
to me. And Jon high-fived me after I beat him in the fifty-meter freestyle. I still had no earthly idea what to say or do to come off as cool, but they seemed to accept me anyway.

Chapter 15

A
S
O
CTOBER FADED AWAY, DAY
by day, I got more and more anxious. This translated into me practicing even harder every day. I knew I had no hope of winning, but if I could somehow get third place then all of the coach’s faith and Kanoa’s time would not seem so wasted.

For once in my life, I just didn’t want to fail completely. Was that too lofty a goal?

Those heavy worries were compounded by something really unexpected. Because, really, what I needed was something
else
to stress about.

“Gather round,” Lancaster ordered one day before practice.

I was expecting another of his motivational speeches. I mean, they were cool and all but I was anxious to get into the water. I was determined to shave another second off my time.

“It’s time for you guys to elect a team captain,” Lancaster said. “Obviously, since you all have your individual races, this isn’t someone to be in charge of the team. It’s really just someone you can call if you can’t reach me when you’re sick or going to be late or your Aunt Dinah is in the hospital.”

Everyone looked around and murmured while I chewed my thumbnail. I didn’t care who the team captain was. I expected it would be Jimmy, because he was popular and voting always goes to the most popular person. And that was fine. Like Lancaster said, it wasn’t like the captain was really in charge of anything.

I was more concerned with the problem of figuring out how I could get in more time in the weight room and the pool between now and the first swim meet. I was even considering asking if I could be at school at six AM, so you know I was freaking out.

“It’s got to be Justin.”

“Huh?” I asked, looking over at Jimmy.

He was giving me a weird smile. Okay, it was a friendly smile, but it was weird because it was coming from him. We hadn’t spoken since that day he’d nearly drowned. I hadn’t expected a thank you, not from him. And I hadn’t really needed one, either. It was enough that he had been less of an ass since that incident.

To my absolute shock, the other guys started to nod their heads. Bailey gave me a grin and said, “Makes sense to me.”

“Uh, wait a second.” I wasn’t really sure why I was objecting. I just didn’t think I could handle any more responsibility right then.

“All in favor?” Jimmy asked.

Everyone but me raised their hands. And that was that. I had been drafted. I mean, yes, it was sort of flattering. How couldn’t I be a little buzzed? Like I said, these things are popularity contests, so it was hard to ignore that the vote meant people sort of liked me.

Of course, that will all change when I lose at the first meet.

And that was what really made me sick with stress. Now I was some sort of leader, the guy the team looked to in some way. My failure (which was inevitable) was going to be so very much worse to bear.

I was having such a good time on the team and feeling like I had finally found my place that even the thought of having it all go to shit when I lost just killed me inside.

I had nightmares about it. In one, I would jump into the pool and find my suit missing, then see Jimmy had it and I would chase him around the pool while the other swimmers did their laps. In another, I was in class when Ms. Warner asked me why I wasn’t at the meet that had started a half hour before. My subconscious had all sorts of scenarios in which I failed spectacularly.

I was involved in one of those nocturnal disturbances when I was awakened by a hand over my mouth.

As a way of waking up, I don’t recommend it.

I struggled, but there were other hands holding my wrists. In fact, there were way more hands on me than I cared for. They hauled me out of bed and then put a blindfold on me. Shaken from sleep, I was too groggy to put up much of a fight.

“Welcome to the team.”

It was Kanoa’s voice. I relaxed. He’d warned me that some sort of initiation was going to happen soon, but he’d refused to tell me when or what. I couldn’t figure out how they’d coordinated everything, but that confusion had to be put aside as they dragged me out my apartment.

I was glad I was in my sleep shorts as opposed to just my briefs like I sometimes will do.

I was deposited in an SUV like some sort of hostage in a movie. Knowing that it was Kanoa and the varsity guys made it a fun little adventure. I wondered what the initiation would be like. The only examples I had of such things came from some very, well, explicit videos. I doubted very much that the night was going in that direction.

Not that I would have minded all that much. Not if Kanoa was involved.

When the SUV stopped, I found myself deposited on sand-covered asphalt. That and the salty air told me we’d gone to the beach. I shivered against the crisp night air but I didn’t complain. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in front of Kanoa.

I heard murmurs around me. I guessed it was the rest of the new guys on the team. I could have taken off the blindfold, but I didn’t think that was part of the game. So I just waited in darkness, feeling goose-bumps break out on my arms from both excitement and serious cold.

We were marched down towards the water, which was a nightmare for me. The sand shifting under my feet made the footing treacherous. It would be really easy to trip, even if I could see. Not having my eyes made it so much worse. I paid very close attention to my steps, threatening my feet with amputation if they betrayed me.

At last the blindfolds were removed. I blinked and looked around. It was a dark, overcast night. The full moon could barely be seen behind the clouds obscuring it. All the other freshmen were there. Bailey had a hilarious case of bed-head. Tony had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tee shirt on. The sweats that Chad slept in had more holes than fabric to them. It was definitely not our best look.

Kanoa came forward, beaming that happy smile of his. He had a pair of dark jeans and a dark hoody on. I was very jealous of that hoody, for more than one reason.