F*ck Feelings (37 page)

It's part of our parenting instinct to create harmony in the families we're responsible for, no matter what the sacrifice, be it gritting our teeth through tasks we don't enjoy, doing things the other guy's way, and attending get-togethers with people we don't like and who don't like us but with whom we happen to share DNA.

All the while, we're working hard to keep sarcastic, negative thoughts inside, where they won't cause hurt or start a feud that future generations will inherit. A good parent develops lots of diplomatic skills and takes pride in maintaining the
pax parentis
.

Part of what divorce does, unfortunately, is directly disrupt not
just these parental instincts but your child's expectations. By not keeping the family together, you're potentially disappointing everyone, and violating some credo in Latin.

It's natural then that divorced parents, particularly the nice ones who aren't bitter and nasty, feel responsible for conflict, enmity, divided loyalties, and lingering resentment. However, they can't control the bitterness of an ex, the resentment of hurt children with divided loyalties, and the impact of conflict on their pocketbooks, legal status, and new relationships. As much as you want to give peace a chance, everybody else just wants to give you a piece of their mind.

That's why the most important thing to do postdivorce, aside from getting a new haircut and blowtorching the ring off your finger, is to accept the fact that your parenting role may be changed and damaged in ways that are not your fault or responsibility, even though, again and again, there's someone to tell you the opposite and blame you for ruining the marriage, their lives, the known universe, etc.

If you try too hard to meet your expectations of normal parenting after a divorce, you're more likely to withdraw, feel defeated, or overreact when it turns out to be impossible. As a result, you say something nasty or try so hard to be nice that you become a total pushover and wind up weakening your ability to be a good parent.

If you're willing to accept bitter estrangement without taking it personally or feeling obliged to make it right, there are many more ways to avoid mistakes and build a new, solid foundation. Your old plan for peace may no longer be applicable, but with new boundaries come new opportunities for negotiation; just ask any teenagers who share a bedroom.

You may not be able to parent as effectively as you'd wish, but you can still offer good parenting that you can be proud of under conditions that you believe are good for your child and new partnership. Even if you don't know when your new family will stop trying to punish you and one another, you can lead them toward peace with the same amount of compromise and discomfort that any family would have.

Among the wishes people express are:

• To stop their spouse from making unfair claims and allegations

• To get their child to see they had good reasons to leave

• To stop their child from acting like a jerk with them or their new partner

• To get their partner to stop leaning over backward for her kids

Here are three examples:

My new wife is good with kids, and she's not particularly negative about my ten-year-old son from my first marriage, but he loathed her before he even met her, and being around her just made him even more hateful. I think it's partly because he blames her for the divorce (even though I didn't even meet her until long after the divorce was final) and the fact that I'll never get back together with his mother. In the meantime, he's unbelievably rude to her and says he doesn't want to visit me when she's around. My goal is to make their relationship work so it doesn't interfere with my being his father.

My wife and I weren't getting along for a long time, so when she told me it was over and I had to move out, I just did what she said because I didn't want to fight her anymore. Unfortunately, she must have assumed I would come back, because after I left, she became even angrier and began blaming me for everything, which is why my kids now hate me. They used to have a great relationship with me, but now they blame me for the divorce and ruining their mother's life. They're rude and act like I'm their jailer when I have custody; everything I do annoys them and they're counting the seconds until they can go home, even though I bend over backward until my head scrapes the ground. My goal is to get back a positive relationship, but I don't know how.

I love my husband, but I didn't realize until we married that he can't say no to his bratty kids from his first marriage. I never expected them to like me (and they're out of the house, so thankfully, they don't have to), but I was determined to be patient and get to know them. What bothers me is that he's so totally responsive to their needs, whether they want him to cancel lots of plans, arbitrarily change the date of a visit, or give them extra money (outside of the generous divorce agreement), so that it negatively affects our life together. I get mad at them, but I know it's really his fault for letting them walk all over him. My goal is to get him to stop being such a wuss about his kids before it destroys our marriage.

If a team is only as strong as its weakest member, then a divorced team is only as amicable as its angriest ex. One partner can do her best to tolerate the kids' multiple loyalties and create stability in a new home, but if a former spouse or kids are bad-mouthing her, the settlement, or the new partner, then working for the best will lose out to the person acting the worst.

That's when divorce-surviving parents must accept chronic anger and potentially nasty behavior as part of the package, at least in the short term, if they are to retain their confidence and manage their new family successfully. If at least one person involved can't hold their shit together, then the family won't hold together, either.

Most kids like their parents' new spouses as much as they like shots, liver, and standardized tests, so if you can't stop your child
from hating your new partner, don't be surprised, don't take it personally, and don't get too defensive, even if your new partner has no reason to like your child, and it shows. You can offer your sympathy, but any decent stepparent understands that it's a difficult adjustment for everyone involved.

Certainly, you can try to hear your kid out and give him a chance to talk about his resentment with a shrink if you think it will be constructive and not just a chance to bitch and fuel hatred. If treatment, mediation, and understanding don't work, however, accept the fact that their relationship is both terrible and out of your control. You can have them both in your life, but only if you create rules for good behavior, enforce them with your child, and encourage them with your new spouse. Buy yourself a striped shirt, because you're going to be a ref.

Create simple rules for respectful behavior, similar to what would apply in school if child and teacher didn't like each other but had to work together, and spell out your penalties. Rules include answering questions politely, not being rude, and not refusing reasonable requests. Enforce them without negative feeling. Buy a whistle if necessary.

You can't make the nastiness stop, but you can be confident in your belief that, the more they both avoid negative feelings and treat each other decently, the sooner they will be happier in their new home. Besides, if they both bristle under your authority, then they'll at least have something to build common ground on.

If you're the target of your child's divorce rage and the usual interventions aren't working, don't bend over backward or get defensive. Presumably you had good reasons to divorce and you made a settlement with your ex that you believe is fair. Trying too hard to appease or defend yourself makes you seem guilty for doing something wrong (like staying married to someone who hates you).

Your interest in your child hasn't changed and your insistence on visitation is not to control your child's loyalty but to do your job as a parent. So again, spell out a positive moral vision. It's right for you to share the job of caring for and guiding your child, even if your child doesn't like you (and even if you don't like your child).
You can make life better, provide a good place to live, and do good things together.

While it's hard to live and work with family when you're not getting along, it's important in life to learn how to move forward when feelings are negative. In the long run, negative feelings often fade if you're working well together and feel like you're growing and getting somewhere. Just having confidence that things can get better is enough to create actual improvement.

Share your justified disappointment and anger with friends or a shrink, but not with your child; any obvious negative feelings toward your kid will just justify his negative feelings toward you. Parenting includes many thankless tasks, even when the parents aren't divorced, and providing reasonable parenting under tense conditions is one of them.

If the fallout of divorce isn't just persistent anger but also the way a parent's pushover tendencies can leave his new partner out in the cold, then there's no solution for you, the new partner, unless the pushover parent sees the problem.

Yes, you should ask a shrink or some other respected, neutral party to confirm your impression and validate your needs. Then, together, you can deliver a positively toned warning to the bad-boundaried parent and ask him whether he sees any reason to change.

As the new partner, don't spend too much time talking about your anger or apologize for feeling needy if you think your needs are reasonable and unmet. Otherwise, your overly reactive spouse will try to make you feel better by giving you a little more attention and love, perpetuating the problem instead of admitting that there's a problem in the first place. Instead, urge your spouse to learn to say no, not just to make you happy, but to become a stronger parent.

Make specific suggestions about limits that need to be set and positive ways for announcing them, describing the benefits in terms of less-spoiled kids and a happier partnership. Then sit back and assess progress by what happens, not by what's promised in order to soothe your worries away.

Parenting is always a team sport, even if the marriage ends, but
divorce can cause problems that neither you nor your teammates may ever be able to resolve. If, however, you're careful to take responsibility for nothing more than offering good parenting, and you're willing to tolerate persistent conflict and hostility, you can be proud of the job you're doing as a parent, even if it seems like a losing game.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• The ability to get your postdivorce family to act reasonably

• An end to being held responsible for major family unhappiness

• Kids who don't feel they have a right and obligation to punish you and/or your new spouse

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• To offer and provide good parenting, regardless of nastiness

• To put limits on bad behavior after figuring out what it's really about and trying to be understanding

• To be a good parent of a kid who claims to be a political prisoner in your home

• To find time to build a new partnership despite demanding, needy kids

Here's how you can do it:

• Accept and learn how to live with grievances after all the usual attempts to address them (patience, sympathy, understanding, shrink visits) haven't worked

• Don't take grievances personally or let them influence your management decisions

• Envision a positive goal for your parenting, even if your relationship with your child can't feel positive

• Set limits on bad behavior, as distinct from bad feelings

• Respect the challenge you're facing and your achievement in persisting

Here's what to say to kids and current and ex–family members who can't stop fighting with you or one another after a divorce.

Dear [Child/Ex/New Partner/Innocent Bystanders/Busy Lawyers and Therapists],

I can understand how divorce sparked a [conflict/blood feud/personal hatred], but at this point I don't think continued [talk/mediation/airing of grievances] will improve the [synonym for “shit show”]. I'm going to see my [kids/new partner/ex-dog] within whatever agreement the court authorizes, and I will be patient and avoid [small battles/pissing contests/smashing windshields], both with my kids and my ex. I will not, however, let any major bad behavior happen without trying to prevent it from [happening/erupting/getting the neighbor to call the cops] again. I believe I can provide a good, secure home and be a good parent in spite of anger and unhappiness.

There are many positive ways to manage parenting problems, but most require you to keep your cool, which is almost impossible if you feel totally responsible, which, for the first twentyish years, you legally are. Dedicate the same amount of time to developing your child's skills and potential as you do to meditating on the things that you and your child can't accomplish and shouldn't feel responsible for. Then teach your child how to do the same. Whether or not you can raise a kid you can be proud of, take pride in tolerating what you can't change and doing the best with what you've both got.