F*ck Feelings (21 page)

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• An ability to change others or get them to see why they should change themselves

• A life with better people or more options

• Escape from the tension

• A less touchy personality

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Tolerate long periods of wishing you were with other people while going about your business

• Control your mouth even if you can't control your feelings

• Be proud of what you've accomplished even if you're irritated and unhappy most of the time

• Not let the lack of escape make you despair

Here's how you can do it:

• Remind yourself regularly of your reasons for putting up with unending annoyance

• Develop practical ways to block annoying people from your perception

• Develop your own rules for doing so and polite ways of defending those rules against objections

• Keep track of, and give yourself credit for, things left unsaid

Here's what to tell someone/yourself when you're tempted to let an irritating person know exactly what's on your mind.

Dear [Self/Person Who Always Ruins My Day for Most of the Day]:

I've tried to [like/understand/ignore/accept] the things you do that drive me [insert synonym of “ape shit”] and have discovered it's not going to happen. Therefore, I want you to know I appreciate our good [working/living/unintentional] relationship. If I sometimes [leave the room/read the paper and refuse to look up/remain in the bathroom for an hour], don't feel insulted or ignored—I simply like my alone time. I look forward to many years of [collaboration/cohabitation/gritting my teeth, possibly to nubs].

A little bit of fear, in small, controlled doses, can be enjoyable; that's why people pay money to see scary movies and ride roller coasters instead of just screaming and puking at home for free. Then there's the opposite kind of fear—random, sometimes inexplicable, debilitating—which isn't enjoyable, and can cost you your peace of mind.

The unfun kind of fear is the common denominator of anxiety disorders, and those who suffer from them often share, and run into, the same bullshit attitude that depressives have; their emotions must be understandable, like normal anxiety and sadness, so if they just figure out what's bothering them, confront it, and move on, they'll be anxious no more.

In the same way most people confuse depression with passing sadness or sulking, anxiety is often mistaken for plain, old horror-movie-style fear. In reality, anxiety can get much worse and appear in many forms.

Some people feel anxious all the time and just can't shake it, even when they're wrapped in love and security. Other people experience sudden bursts of fear called panic attacks that can come out of nowhere, last hours, and drive strong, sane people into thinking they're dying, even when they know they aren't. And some people can't stop feeling jumpy and spooked long after they've experienced trauma, be it a car accident or time in combat.

Depression and anxiety are basically stepsiblings; one can cause or feed on the other in the same person, they sometimes respond to the same medications, and both can keep coming back, off and on, throughout a person's lifetime.

People expect to cure those disorders by getting to the root cause or undergoing some kind of corrective experience, from exposing themselves over and over to whatever scares them to finding religion to just willing their minds into health. As with all severe illnesses, mental or otherwise, there is no “cure” (see: cancer, the common cold, that clammy feeling you suffer through after eating a big steak). Therapy sometimes works to some extent, but generally, these syndromes tend to persist and even worsen during one's middle years, and treatment is no cure.

If you believe in the curability of anxiety (or depression), persistent symptoms just mean you haven't found the right treatment or done it properly, faced your fears, found Jebus, grown a pair, or let yourself be loved. The more things you try and the longer your symptoms last, the more your sense of failure grows.

What you should do instead, if you've made reasonable attempts to cure persistent fear to no avail, is accept that life has simply given you a burden you must learn how to bear. Many good people live with fear, and there's nothing wrong with having a powerful imagination, a scary past or future, or an anxious brain, other than the pain.

You're not immature, weak-willed, or lacking in courage; you're just stuck with a particular kind of chronic pain. You will never enjoy it (or a scary movie ever again), but you can learn to bear it, so no matter how much fear you're experiencing, you won't be afraid to face each day as it comes.

Among the wishes fear-ridden people express are:

• To grow up and stop being scared

• To find the deeper cause of their anxieties, which has so far eluded them

• To stop being afraid of things they simply shouldn't be afraid of

• To finally find treatment that works

Here are three examples:

I was violently mugged six months ago, and ever since, I get the jitters every time I'm out after dark. I've gotten therapy, learned meditation, taken meds, and I'm still on edge. Sometimes I catch myself avoiding plans and choosing to stay home because I just don't want to face that
anxious feeling that comes with being on the streets alone at night. My goal is to stop living in fear.

I used to take my health for granted, but since I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis last year I can't stop thinking about dying. My symptoms aren't that bad and they're pretty stable so far, but I feel like death is around the corner. I've gone to support groups and talked to counselors, and I've become a lot more serious about my health, dedicating a lot of time and energy to researching my disease and changing my diet and exercise, but the fear won't go away. I know there's no cure, and I can't get over feeling helpless, like I've got a terminal illness and it's only a matter of time. My goal is to stop being afraid of death.

Everyone else seems comfortable with the boss, but he gives me the willies. I don't think he likes me, and he's not the sort of person who pats you on the back or jokes with you, so I just don't know where I stand. I dread having a one-on-one meeting with him, partly because I'm afraid my fear shows, and partly because every time he wants to talk to me, I'm convinced I'm about to get fired. I need this job very much—I've put in quite a few years at this company, and I think I'm too old at this point to get hired for the same work anywhere else—so the thought of getting fired is terrifying. My goal is to figure out a way to get over it, be myself, and not let anyone terrify me.

If people who suffer from anxiety are guilty of anything, it's being born at the wrong time; there was a time when being hyperalert and quick to fear was the best way to keep from being eaten by a prehistoric megabear or stay prepared for an attack by a rival warlord.

Alas, in today's world, where megabears are long gone and rivals post all their moves in advance on Twitter, such hyperalertness is more of a burden than a gift. That said, it's not a burden that's impossible to bear (pun intended).

After all, the reason you have PTSD after being mugged and hate to walk alone on dark streets is that your brain is trying to protect you from ever, ever being in that situation again. It's the megabear reflex, not just because that's where its
roots are, but because, like a megabear, it's incredibly powerful. More powerful than your efforts to persuade your brain that you need to go out and the street is safe.

While you may never be able to erase that reflex, there are many treatments to try. Check out cognitive treatments (e.g., talking about the details of the traumatic experience in a controlled, calm manner), biofeedback, and self-hypnosis. Given the fact that fear usually prompts helpless, negative, irrational thoughts—e.g., “this is going nowhere, I'm wasting my money, and I'm going downhill”—cognitive treatment that gets you to recognize and challenge these thoughts is of first importance.

There are nonaddictive medications that help all kinds of anxiety, as well as some addictive medications that pose very little risk if they aren't taken daily. Many people who suffer from anxiety attacks find that just carrying medication around and knowing it's there, just in case, provides some relief. It also helps to meet people with PTSD, or whatever anxiety syndrome you experience, who live full lives in spite of their symptoms.

If facing a life-threatening illness triggers obsessive ruminations about death, you may find yourself stuck with them for a long time, like with PTSD; once an external event triggers repeated symptoms, they tend to last. It's as if fear has worn a path in a brain that was a bit soggy to begin with.

Yes, it's tough to be terrified of dying and have people trying to comfort you by reminding you that we're all going to die, because they don't have the burden of knowing exactly how and feeling like they should be able to do something about it. That said, talking about your fear repeatedly and thinking about medical solutions will only make you worse.

So stop focusing on the importance of a clean or not-so-clean bill of health, and instead block behaviors that make fear stronger, like oversharing and giving up regular life activities that might otherwise distract you. Look at a fear of death as a bizarre brain symptom, not evidence that you're a deep admirer of Woody Allen and Ingmar Bergman.

It may help you to hang out with other people living with MS who share your fears and nevertheless live fully, much as it helps an alcoholic to spend time with those who are in recovery but still feel vulnerable. The need for reassurance, like the need for alcohol, however, is simply a drive for unhealthy behavior that you're not responsible for having, just for blocking.

If you get terrified in anticipation of a social or work situation or performance, your anxiety will get better, to some degree, if you do the same scary thing over and over, but it won't necessarily disappear. It's amplified by thoughts about being afraid “for no good reason” and wondering if fear will cause you to stutter, blush, fart, and thus embarrass yourself further. Fear is amazingly good at causing fear; it's the mind's best perpetual motion machine.

A cognitive technique that helps with fear of embarrassment is to spend time every day defining your own goal for pushing yourself into the danger zone. Keep reminding yourself that you're at work because you're there to make a living, and you have your own definition of a good presentation. Then define goals that derive from your own standards and needs, not the response of others, and applaud yourself for pursuing those goals in spite of persistent fears.

What's most important, assuming you accept the unfairness of having to live with fear, is respecting what you do every day to limit its reach. Challenge fear-driven thoughts about what you should have done to avoid anxiety, or about the horrible effect it will have on your life and relationships. Every time you stop yourself from seeking relief in avoidance, substances, or other behavior that interferes with your goals, give yourself a cheer.

Although relaxation may be good for your blood pressure, remember, it's that good ol' fear reflex that made your life possible, since it kept your ancestors alive long enough to have kids. Like your pelt-wearing forebears, you're never going to relax for very long, so take pride in what you do with your fear. If you can tolerate it without letting it take over your life entirely, use it for self-protection so you, too, can stay alive.