F*ck Feelings (11 page)

Given the amount of evil you can cause by pursuing fairness, you should know better than to trust your instincts when you feel a strong need to right a wrong, nail a villain, or, worst of all, get closure.

At least force yourself to think of probable and unintended consequences, so you don't wind up, say, hurting two of your children while punishing whoever hurt your third. Then redefine your goal, so that it's not to pursue justice or punish unfairness but to accept the unfairness of the world, bear the humiliation and helplessness that go with it, and then seek to do the most good.

You need to know when to accept the fact that you've been fucked and know when fighting will get you further fucked and the only way to make life fair again is to move forward and treat others fairly yourself.

There's a certain kind of person—usually middle class, sometimes conservative, always in Florida—who feels that they have a right to live in safety, free from fear. This is an illusion not shared by less lucky people, many of whom are the very people who end up shot by the safety-entitled, often in Florida.

The danger of believing in your right to security, especially when faced with danger and lawlessness, is that it can draw you into either slow, unwinnable conflicts, or sudden, regrettable acts of rage. You're safer knowing, from the beginning, that you can never count on safety, rather than having the illusion that it's something you're obligated to fight for. You'll be much better at knowing when to suck it up, shut up, and/or duck and live for a better day.

The other risk in believing in your right to safety is that you feel you have a right to blame someone if you're threatened or harmed. Sometimes, in the course of seeking help against your perceived threat, the called policeman arrives on time, the authorities place responsibility fairly, and you either wind up protected or compensated. Most times, however, the timing is wrong, the facts get distorted, and the process of pinning responsibility and getting restitution is prolonged, expensive, and possibly futile. Such ordeals also may then stimulate your tendency to ruminate over could-haves and should-haves and blame yourself. It's better to avoid the issue of responsibility, get restitution when it's available, and think of other things.

Instead of expecting to be safe, assume that every life can, with sufficient bad luck, turn into a war zone—your new neighbor could turn out to be a nut, you could park your car on a sinkhole, you could have a perfect bill of health and get hit by a rogue bus—and fighting to restore your safety may attract more danger and ruin your life.

If you can accept the fact that you live in a jungle, however, you may not sleep as well at night, but you'll be more alert to danger. Then you'll do what you can to preserve your safety, regardless of whether it requires retreat, humiliation, and victory for your enemies. And you'll avoid blame, regardless of how frustrating it is to keep it inside, unless you're really lucky (or at least have an excellent attorney).

You might like yourself better if you could enforce your safety with your own strength, or at least your own firearm (Florida). You deserve more respect, however, when you recognize things are beyond your control, and make whatever tough, humiliating, weaponless steps are necessary to minimize the danger.

Among the wishes people express are:

• To figure out why they can't make themselves safe without fleeing or otherwise putting their life at risk

• To get through to authorities who are either failing to protect them or siding with the person who is threatening them

• To figure out what they did wrong to let themselves be harmed

• To figure out how to get closure after an event that leaves them feeling violated and terrified

Here are three examples:

My husband's ex is mentally ill and really can't help herself, but ever since she had a breakdown after going off her meds a few months ago she's been determined to kill him because voices in her head tell her he's possessed by devils. The last time she was hospitalized, she was trying to burn down our house when I woke up and smelled smoke. No real damage, but now she's about to get discharged, and she always stops her meds as soon as no one is watching. Right now she sounds perfectly sane, so the police tell me there's nothing they can do. I know she'll be crazy again within six months and no restraining order will stop her then. I have no intention of giving up my job or moving out of our home. My goal is to get someone to stop her and not have to give up the home we've built for ourselves and our kids.

My boyfriend is a sweet, loving person, but he gets violent when he's drunk, and sometimes he hits me. I forgive him because I know he's trying to stop, which is especially hard for him since both of his parents are alcoholics and his childhood was pure torture. My friends tell me I could get hurt if I don't leave him, but I know they're just saying that because they're my friends and don't know or understand my boyfriend like I do. My goal is to figure out a way to support him and get him help, so we'll both be safe from his violence.

After getting mugged by a burglar I interrupted when I came home early, I changed the locks and installed an alarm, all of which should have made me feel strong and empowered and all that shit. Instead I have nightmares, I'm afraid to answer the doorbell, and every little noise makes me jump and hyperventilate. I've recovered physically but I can't get over my fear; it's so bad that sometimes I get anxiety attacks in the middle of the day and can barely do my job. My goal is to recover my sense of security and get back my old self.

Joan Didion famously said, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live,” but people don't just tell their autobiographies; they're prolific in their own fan fiction as well. Such fictions, also known as lies, are also integral to all of our lives, and one of the biggest lies we often tell ourselves is “everything is going to be okay.”

We nurture this illusion of safety so we don't have to live in a constant state of panic, but sometimes wishful thinking makes us fool ourselves into believing we can reform either someone dangerous or our own dangerous thoughts after a random, overwhelming trauma.

The facts are, however, that we can't count on safety even when we're careful; neither can we stop feeling fear once it's got hold of us, and sometimes we have to give up all we own and flee.

In any case, it takes careful thought to be realistic about safety, avoid exposure to danger for the wrong reasons, and stop blaming ourselves for the harm and losses that occur when safety is impossible.

When a relationship is unsafe and you don't know when or how
you might be attacked, a lawyer is usually your best therapist, because knowing your actual risks is the best antidote to both unreasonable fears and wishful thinking. Just don't look for a lawyer who will listen, hold your hand, and sympathize with how unfair it is that the police and courts can't really protect you. Lawyers charge too much for you to use them for sympathy alone, and besides, it would be a waste of time for everyone involved.

Instead, look for a lawyer who will tell you what will really happen; help you estimate your risk exposure after doing everything you can to preserve your home, relationships, etc.; and encourage you to do what's necessary, however unfair it is that you have to do it, to protect yourself.

Don't make the mistake of looking for a shrink who is well meaning and foolish enough to try to help you work out your relationship with a dangerous person, because pursuing such a goal can stir up and stimulate a psyche set to explode.

If you have a loved one who is dangerous but wants to control it, urge them to find a shrink who won't waste time figuring out why they're so angry, but will just help them put a lid on things and keep it there, regardless of the pain inside, while you stay out of it.

Even if you've done the right thing, don't expect to feel good. No one controls their reaction to trauma, which may linger for years. Certainly, you should try standard PTSD treatments, like medication and cognitive therapies, which sometimes help. Remind yourself, however, that whether or not you continue to have anxiety attacks and phobias, you've done the right thing and you're not to blame for your current condition.

Accepting the fact that you can't protect yourself or your family from crazies or the fear they inspire doesn't ever mean you've been defeated. It just means life is full of crazy dangers and you're a success as long as you get the message and act accordingly, even if you have to cut off your right arm in doing so.

Indeed, every day that you venture out of your house, do your usual job, and endure fears and symptoms, you're a hero, and in a nonfiction way.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Safety, security, and control over same

• Guaranteed preservation of your closest relationships, job, home, etc.

• Exorcism of demons in those you love

• Restoration of your peace of mind

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Find the best compromise between safety and your other priorities in an unsafe world

• Reduce the risk of violence by walling yourself off from dangerous people, even those close to you

• Strengthen your survival skills and help your family survive

• Become strong enough to pursue your usual life in spite of humiliation, loss, anxiety, and fears that won't go away

Here's how you can do it:

• Judge your risk by what is likely to happen, not by what you wish will change

• Gather information from experts about what you can actually do to reduce your risk

• Discard wishful thinking and do what's necessary

• Manage the pain of loss and persistent fear without feeling like a failure

• Take pride in your survival efforts and what they require

Here's what to tell someone/yourself when you're feeling endangered.

Dear [Me/Family Member/Dangerous Family Member/Ex/Nut Job Who's Forced His Way into Your Orbit],

I hate to think that the danger of violence means we can't find a way to [work things out/avoid legal action/prevent an explosion], but that's something you or I can't control, regardless of what we do. I'm therefore going to [take whatever action is necessary/leave town/go into witness protection] to put an end to the risk and allow both of us to move on. I believe we should stop communicating and will not accept [insert any type of communication here, including carrier pigeon].

Child abuse is a particularly heinous crime because kids are helpless and defenseless against it, the effects stretch on forever, and if you really care about helping kids grow and become strong, then watching them harmed is truly heartbreaking. Not only is it instinctive for us to punish child abuse; we want to eliminate abusers from our world, and in a most painful manner.

But sometimes, punishing an abuser may harm a victim more than it helps, while making it harder to reduce abuse in the world. For those abusers who are easy to manage—the drunken parent who never does it again once he's outed—jail does no good while destroying the family's financial security and, most important, making it more difficult for victims to recover. The prospect of punishment may also deter reporting by family members who fear its effect on the family.

Some would argue that it helps recovery to have victims confront their abuser, or at least see their abuser confronted by authority. In fact, a kid's feelings of responsibility for the condition of his or her parents and other adults aren't easily erased, even by validating the much greater responsibility of parents for kids.