Fatty Patty (A James Bay Novel) (38 page)

I trace the edges of Sam’s moustache with one finger. “How did you find me?”

“Priscilla.” He grabs my hand, kisses the tip of my finger. “She said you’d started doing laps again at the pool.”

God bless Priscilla. She brought us together at the beginning and she’s led Sam back to me again. “I missed you,” I confess. “I missed you so much.”

“Not as much as I missed you.”

His words bring a surge of hope. Maybe it’s not too late to make things right.

“Sam, about those things I said…” I rush the words out. “I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t forgive me. God knows it’s been hard enough trying to forgive myself.”

“Quit beating yourself up,” he replies. “A lot of what you said was true and I needed to hear it.”

I bite the fleshy bottom of my lip. Typical Sam, offering me an easy way out. It would be so simple to take it. Simple and easy… but unfair to him.

“No, I was wrong. I had no business judging you or saying what I did. I’ve lived with the guilt for months. Besides, who am I to talk? Just look at you.” I push him away, admire his new physique. “You look great, but as for me?” I shoot a rueful glance at my belly bulge and chunky thighs. “I’m still just the same old Patty. Still fat.”

No more pretense, no more lies. The f-word is finally out in the open.

“You’re not fat. You’re beautiful.” He pulls me close against him. “I love you just the way you are.”

“How can you say that?” I blink hard, struggling to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks. “How can you love me when I don’t even love myself?”

“Patty, I never stopped loving you,” he says. “And if you can’t love yourself, then I’ll love you until you do. Let me be your mirror.”

“The last thing I want is to look in a mirror. I probably look like a wreck.”

“Yep,” he says with a grin. “But you’re a beautiful wreck.”

A powerful surge of happiness bubbles up inside me as Sam gives me another kiss, only to be stopped by a shrill whistle. We turn and see the lifeguard grin, give us a thumbs-up.

“Looks like someone approves,” Sam chuckles. “Why don’t you go get dressed?”

I search his face. I’ve lived so long without him. Now he’s back, I don’t want to let him go. “Promise you’ll be here when I’m done?”

He laughs and gives me one more kiss. “I’m not going anywhere.”

# # #

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. How can a person be deliriously happy and dreadfully scared at the same time? My stomach bunches in a tight knot as I push open the door and stumble outside, wet curls and all. What if Sam took off? What if he didn’t keep his promise? I halt in the doorway, squint against the brilliant afternoon sunshine, lift my hand to shield my eyes. Is he still here?

And then I spot him, leaning against his car, and inside me it feels like a thousand firecrackers are exploding. He hasn’t spotted me yet and I study him for a moment, take in how good he looks. Trim and tan in a white polo shirt and khaki pants, he’s lost a lot of weight—at least forty pounds.

My heartbeat quickens as he notices me coming. It pounds in my ears as he smiles and opens his arms. It roars through my brain as I melt against him and yield to the slow sweet taste of his kiss.

“I still can’t believe you’re here,” I say moments later when we come up for air. “It seems like a dream. I feel like pinching myself.”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “If there’s any pinching to be done, I’m the one who gets to do it.”

“But I don’t understand. Why did you come back? Why now, after all this time? It’s been months since we talked.” I think about New Year’s Eve, how I shoved the diamond necklace in his hands, how I ranted and raved about the way he looked. Why would Sam come back? But safe in his arms, I feel brave enough to ask the question. “I thought you’d forgotten all about me.”

“Never doubt it, Patty. You were always on my mind.”

“I was?” I duck my head, suddenly shy.

“I almost sent you flowers for Valentine’s Day. I drove to the florist and I sat there in the parking lot and thought about you.” His arms tighten around me. “I sat there in the cold for half an hour until I finally talked myself out of buying you flowers.”

“Priscilla got roses,” I say slowly, remembering how radiant she looked as she showed me the beautiful bouquet… and how I spent Valentine’s night gorging on Nick’s chocolate.

“I wanted to send forget-me-nots, so you’d know that I still cared. But I knew you had to sort things out for yourself and so I decided to skip the flowers.” His eyes lock on mine. “But I never stopped hoping or praying that you would change your mind.”

“Wait, I’m confused.” I push away slightly. “If you felt like that, then why did you snub me that day at your office?”

A frown tightens on his face. “What are you talking about?”

“That day last month when I dropped by to pick up my tax return, remember? I asked to see you but the receptionist told me you were with a client.”

Sam shakes his head, looking puzzled, and I rush on. “I thought you were trying to avoid me. I thought you were still mad. And when you didn’t return my call, I thought things were finished. I thought—”

“You thought wrong,” he says flatly.

“But why—?”

“Patty, I had no idea you stopped by the office. No one told me you were there.”

“They didn’t?” I search his eyes, looking for the truth. “You’re not just saying that?”

He blows out a long sigh. “Do you honestly think I could ignore you? My feelings haven’t changed. I’m still in love with you.”

And there they are again, the words I’ve longed to hear. Sam is in love with me. I shiver in delight.

“You’re cold. Let’s sit in the car.” He opens the passenger door.

“Always the gentleman,” I murmur as I brush past him and settle in the seat.

He slides behind the wheel, starts the engine, fumbles with the heater. “Where would you like to go? We’ll talk over dinner.”

“No, please, I’d like to stay right here. There’s something I need to say and I don’t want to do it over food.”

His mouth tightens and my heart skips a beat. Will he hear me out? Have I made him mad without saying a word? Finally he nods. “All right.”

I clench my hands together tightly in my lap. “About what I said on New Year’s Eve—”

“We don’t need to go into that again,” he says firmly. “It’s over and done with.”

“Sam, please. It’s important. You have to hear me out.” I draw in a deep breath and gather my courage. “That night, you told me there were some things I needed to work on. Well, guess what? It turns out you were right. This was never about you, Sam. It was all about me. I was stupid and blind, and… well, I want you to know that I understand that now. And I’ve been trying to work on myself. To figure out who I am and what I want.”

He stares at me a long moment. “And have you?”

“I think so,” I say quietly. “It hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying.”

“What about that guy?” he finally asks.

Much as I hate to revisit what happened with Nick, Sam deserves to know the truth. In a halting tone, I tell him the story, holding back none of the details. “They fired him. I haven’t seen him since,” I finish soberly. I lean my head against the car seat and close my eyes. I wouldn’t blame Sam for gloating. He tried to warn me about Nick and I refused to listen.

“I’m sorry things turned out the way they did,” he finally says. “Not because of him, but because of what it did to you. I know he hurt you, Patty, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. But I’d be a liar if I said I felt sorry for him. I never liked the guy.”

“I know.” I’ve swallowed down the guilt and embarrassment for months, but there’s no holding it back anymore. It bubbles to the surface. “I should have listened to you, Sam. You were right all along. But I guess I didn’t want to hear it. Or maybe I wasn’t ready to hear it. Then, after I finally began to see the truth for myself, the last thing I wanted to do was admit it—especially to you.” I hang my head. “I’ve been so stupid. Stupid, foolish, and proud. I can’t tell you how ashamed I am of myself.”

“Know what I hated most? The way he treated you. He used you, Patty. It was so hard sitting there and watching him do it.” Sam blows out a deep breath. “Maybe if it weren’t for that damn contest, he would have left you alone.”

“Maybe.” I think about Nick and how proud he was to be nominated as First-Year Teacher of the Year. How proud I was to help him out. How happy I would have been, once upon a time, to hear his name pronounced the winner. “But we’ll never know, will we? Besides, it doesn’t matter who wins. It’s just a silly contest.”

“What about you?” he asks quietly. “I thought you were still in the running.”

“Not any more.” Briefly I fill him in on the details of that cold day in March, the gas leak that threatened our students and how I skipped the final interview.

“I’m sorry, Patty. You deserved to win.” He reaches over and gently strokes my cheek. “There’s always next year.”

“No, I don’t think so.” I shake my head. “I don’t need the grief.”

And I don’t need a Teacher of the Year Award to tell me who I am.

“Well, if you’re okay with it, then so am I,” he says. “I’m glad it’s over.”

“Me, too.” In my quest for the perfect man, I came close to losing everything… Priscilla, Sam, and myself. It makes me shiver, to think how close I came.

“You’re cold.” He grabs my hands, rubs them briskly. “I’ll turn up the heat.”

“No, I’m fine.” I study him for a moment. “I can’t get over how good you look. Healthy and tan, like you spent lots of time in the sun.” I venture a small smile. “Have you been going to a tanning salon?”

“Me?” He chuckles. “I just got back from a ten-day cruise.”

His words catch me by surprise. I was half-kidding.

“I told you we shut down the office every year for two weeks once tax season ends. Usually I go to Arizona, but this year I had the urge to do something different, so I took a cruise instead. I got back today. I haven’t even unpacked. When I heard your message on my answering machine, I rushed over to your house, but you weren’t there.”

“And Priscilla told you where to find me.” My heart races as I finish his sentence with a brilliant smile.

“Here at the pool, just like the first day we met.” He squeezes my fingers. “I’ll never forget how you looked with those wild red curls and your pink bathing suit.”

My thoughts flood back to that day last summer. Sam a few lanes over, swimming strong steady strokes while I struggled to keep my head above water in that ugly pink suit.

“By the way, whatever happened to that suit? I always liked it.”

“Ugh.” I winkle my nose. “I threw it away as soon as I got home that night.”

His eyes widen. “You looked cute in it.”

“Ha! You mean, I looked fat.”

“You’re not fat.”

“Come on, Sam, we both know that’s not true. I need to lose weight. Twenty-five pounds.” Just thinking about it makes me groan. “Sometimes I wonder, what’s the use? Why bother trying? I’ll always be fat.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Patty. Remember, you’re talking about the woman I love.”

Love
. A tiny smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. Bad as I feel, Sam makes me feel good. And he looks good. I wag a finger at him. “But look at you! You look fantastic. Come on, share some of your diet secrets.”

He shrugs. “There’s no magic formula. Less fat, more exercise, and skip the desserts. Losing weight is hard work. A lot harder than putting it on.”

“Tell me about it.” I sigh. “It takes a lot of willpower.”

Sam ponders for a minute. “I don’t think it’s willpower as much as desire,” he finally says. “You have to want it for yourself. You have to want it more than anything else. More than you want to pick up the fork.”

“But I want it.” I grimace. “Besides, if it were that easy, I’d have lost these extra pounds years ago.”

“Maybe I didn’t say that right,” he says carefully. “Being on a diet wasn’t easy, but it was simple… once I learned to tell myself
no
. When I finally started saying
no
to food, I lost weight. It was that simple. And that important. Nothing else mattered.”

Something catches in his voice. Something that makes me pause. “But why?”

He stares at me like I’m totally dense. “Why? Because of you, Patty. You made the difference.”

“Me?” My forehead wrinkles in a tight frown. “What did I do?”

“You got me to take a good hard look at myself. Until you said those things on New Year’s Eve, I was content with the way I was. But you got me to thinking. And I figured if it was that important to you, maybe it should be important to me.”

I’m still shamed at the memory of that bitter cold night when I cried out against him. Such cruel, spiteful words, yet somehow Sam found it in his heart to forgive me. And despite the things I said, he never stopped loving me. “You lost weight for me?”

“No, Patty. Much as I love you, I didn’t do it for you. I did it for myself.” He grips the steering wheel, his knuckles white against the black leather. “I’ve got to admit, I didn’t much like the guy staring back at me in the mirror every morning. He was gaining more weight every year and I was doing my best to ignore him. But after hearing what you said, I took a good hard look at that guy. It was like seeing myself through new eyes. Your eyes. When I finally admitted the truth and accepted myself for who I am, that’s when I started losing weight.”

“I don’t think there’s much hope for me,” I say with a shaky laugh, swiping away the tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m
Fatty Patty
. That chubby little girl with the bouncy curls and a craving for sweets has always been a part of me. How can I say good-bye?

“You’ll never know unless you try.”

“But what if it doesn’t work? What if I don’t lose the weight?” Sam doesn’t know what he’s asking.

“You still don’t get it, do you?” His eyes fasten on my own. “I love you, Patty. I’ll love you fat and I’ll love you thin, but most of all I’ll love you happy. So do us both a favor and make up your mind. I don’t care. It’s your choice. Either make up with the food and decide to eat, or stick with a diet and lose the weight. But this back-and-forth yo-yo thing is driving you nuts. It hurts me, watching you hurt yourself.”