Authors: Stephen Benatar
FLORA | Hello, everyone. I’m sorry I’m late, Mother. You shouldn’t have waited tea. |
HESTER | How nicely he’s done your hair! |
FLORA | Oh, thank you. I’m so glad you think so; I wasn’t really sure. (To TONY) Hello, darling—have you had a good week? (She kisses him) Ellen. This is a pleasant surprise. I don’t seem to have seen you in ages. |
ELLEN | Oh, I shouldn’t be here by rights. I’m gate-crashing. In recent weeks your mother and I have been having one of our little spats. |
HESTER | Have we? I didn’t realize that. What little spats? |
ELLEN | Hester Berg. May God forgive you. |
HESTER | (Tolerantly, to FLORA) I ought to warn you, darling. She’s behaving rather oddly…one of her more outrageous moods. We’ll have to pretend she isn’t here. |
ELLEN | You and the world both. |
HESTER | (To FLORA) You see what I mean? |
FLORA | Oh dear. Poor Ellen. |
TONY plays his violin. MARY comes in with the silver teapot and matching jug of hot water, which she sets on an occasional table, next to HESTER—the sugar, milk and slices of lemon are already there, along with cups, saucers, teaspoons; slop basin and strainer. Apart from the cinnamon balls, the tea comprises daintily cut sandwiches, a sponge cake and a plate of biscuits. HESTER pours the tea. MARY passes round the cups—she has brought in an extra one for ELLEN. She also passes round the teaplates, with paper napkins, and the sandwiches. During the scene that follows, TONY will take over from her in seeing that everyone has food.
MARY | (To HESTER) You forgot to ask if anyone wanted lemon. |
ELLEN | I think perhaps we’re none of us too shy to put our hands up if we did. |
MARY | No, but it’s a good job Mrs Berg has me here to look after her, that’s all I can say. |
She is holding the silver sugar bowl—and tongs—for TONY. He takes one lump with the tongs, then two more with his fingers.
HESTER | Has Mr Davis had something, Mary? |
MARY | Yes, of course. About half an hour ago. He’s probably forgotten it by now. |
HESTER | Well, go and see if he’d like anything else. And tell him again that Flora and Tony are here. |
ELLEN | And Ellen. |
HESTER | (To MARY) Yes, say that Mrs Drapkin and Mr Tony and Miss Cotton are here, and ask him if he’d like to come to join us. |
MARY | He won’t want to. |
HESTER | But ask him, anyway. Say that it would give us much pleasure if he did. |
FLORA | (Laughing) Liar! (HESTER silently but smilingly denies this.) |
TONY | (To MARY) And if he says no, tell him I’ll come in later for a chat. |
MARY | Yes, Mr Tony. Shall I say you want to hear all about Henley Regatta as it was before the First World War, and how little boys used to run behind the carriages all the way from Victoria to Cricklewood, so they could maybe get a shilling for helping with the luggage? |
HESTER | Thank you, Mary. That will be all. We’ll ring if we want you. (MARY goes out.) |
ELLEN | (To HESTER) How’s she been with him recently? One thing I’ll say for her: she certainly makes good sandwiches. |
HESTER | She’s been all right with him, on the whole. At least she hasn’t |
FLORA | Oh dear, I know it shouldn’t, but the thought of it still makes me laugh. |
HESTER | (Also laughing a little) Well, I can promise you it wasn’t very funny at the time. Although Walter is a lesson to us all. “Oh, my dear girl,” he says to me, “what does it matter? A hundred years hence, what will any of it matter?” I’d have got rid of her at once, if it hadn’t been for him. |
TONY | Yet I suppose anyone can lose their temper—and most of the time she’s pretty good with him. Not every au pair would agree to take on a ninety-three-year-old as part of her general duties. |
HESTER | But throwing an old man’s teeth out of a fifth-floor window! (Despite herself, however, she is still almost laughing; they all are.) |
ELLEN | I suppose you could say…it’s a good thing he wasn’t wearing them. |
HESTER | And really he couldn’t be less trouble. He’s always so easy to please. Why, only yesterday I happened to fold over his piece of bread-and-butter—“By Jove,” he said, “ |
FLORA | And actually—no matter how tired you or I may get of hearing the same old stories—Tony always finds them interesting. Don’t you, darling? |
TONY | (Shrugs) I don’t care how often he tells me there were only fields between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green at the turn of the century. It gives me a sense of continuity and connection. |
HESTER | (To FLORA) Well, I daresay he’ll have plenty of scope to go on strengthening his connections this evening over supper—and also to make further trial of his undoubted saintliness…and other such inherited characteristics. |
FLORA | I only hope it won’t be spaghetti again, like last week! When Walter got the sneezes I had to hide my plate under the table. |
She illustrates how voluptuously he sneezes…with his hand shaking back and forth in front of his nose, clearly ineffectual.
HESTER | Well, don’t think I didn’t notice—and don’t think I didn’t feel thoroughly ashamed. I only prayed that |
FLORA | There were nine sneezes, I counted them. Each about five seconds apart. So every time you thought it might be safe to…And you needn’t think I didn’t see you move your plate over, too. |
HESTER | There’s a difference between merely edging it across a little and actually putting it on your lap. |
As before, they are all laughing about it—particularly FLORA. We get a glimpse of the high-spirited girl she used to be.
HESTER | (Cont.) Ellen dear, you’ll stay and have a meal with us, won’t you? |
ELLEN | Is it spaghetti? |
TONY | (Suddenly—and not sounding as casual as he might have hoped) Oh, Gran, I meant to tell you. I shan’t be able to stop for supper this week. I’m meeting somebody at seven. |
FLORA | What! Oh, Tony! (This is almost a wail—she hurriedly tries to disguise it.) But darling! You always stop for supper on a Friday. It’s…tradition. |
ELLEN | (Sings: just the one word) “Tradition…!” Yes, I will stay on, in that case. Thank you, Hester. |
TONY | (Turning towards her with relief) You mean, Aunt Ellen, you’ll stay on now that you know I’m not going to be here? Charming. It always helps to know who your friends are. |
ELLEN | I hoped I was being subtle. By the standards of this family, I think I probably was. |
FLORA | (To TONY) If we don’t see you on Friday nights, when do we see you? |
TONY | Oh, Mum, it’s only for this evening! Besides, I often see you twice or even three times a week. |
HESTER | (Tongue-in-cheek; to FLORA) And I imagine—if we really set our minds to it—that just this once we |
TONY | I’m sorry I forgot to tell you earlier. |
HESTER | And who…may one be so bold to ask…who is it you’re meeting? |
TONY | (Laughs, evasively) Someone. |
HESTER | But would it be wrong to suppose this someone is a member of the opposite sex? |
TONY | No. (Pause) I mean, it wouldn’t be wrong. |
HESTER | Ah. Then let us take a further small step. Her first name doesn’t begin with a C by any chance? |
TONY | (Puzzled) C? |
HESTER nods, sure that his bewilderment is fake.
TONY | (Cont.) No, it doesn’t. Who’re you thinking of? |
HESTER | (To FLORA) Who am I thinking of? No, he can’t be serious! (To TONY) Now tell me that K, for the surname, also means nothing…you heartbreaker! |
TONY | Oh. Carol Klingman. |
HESTER | Carol Klingman, indeed. (Jokily, but not all that jokily) The very Carol Klingman who lives in the flat right under this. Lives there with her father the insurance broker and with her mother the insurance broker’s wife. The very Carol Klingman, what’s more, who resembles nothing so much as a fashion model—or a princess—or a film star. The very Carol Klingman who— |
TONY | Who resembles |
FLORA | Darling, you can’t deny that she’s extremely good-looking. |
HESTER | Good-looking? Beautiful! |
TONY | Always you say that and always I think we must be talking about two wholly different people. Aunt Ellen, have |
ELLEN | Well, with my living right across the road, you’d think that I must have. But perhaps I was so dazzled I thought I had the sun in my eyes. |
HESTER | (To ELLEN) I assure you, she’s tall and willowy and graceful, and exceedingly distinguished, and totally unspoilt— |
TONY | —and totally stupid— |
HESTER | —and very sweet and unassuming when she talks to you— |
TONY | —and clearly just as clueless when she doesn’t. |
HESTER | Please pay no attention to him. They’ve been out together twice and he thinks he knows her. And, both times, they’ve had a really lovely evening—her parents told us so. They, by the way, are quite as charming as she is, and not simply are they extremely well-heeled…with Carol being their only child…they’ve also intimated, more than once, that they could easily imagine worse things than their daughter one day becoming a Berg. |
TONY | Don’t you mean a Drapkin? |
HESTER | What? Oh, yes. Well, you mustn’t split hairs. I’m only thankful that the Klingmans aren’t here with us right now. For some reason, though apparently right-minded in every other way, they seem to think you possess something called intelligence—and class—and a really brilliant future. So far, I haven’t disillusioned them. Of course, if you truly mean to turn your back on such an unrepeatable opportunity, I shan’t feel obliged to. |
ELLEN | Perhaps this girl that Tony’s meeting tonight has a father who’s…well, let’s see…a doctor or a banker or a lawyer? (To TONY) Tell me something that would top a Klingman. |
TONY | Hopefully—in this case—an axe. |
HESTER | (To FLORA) And there you are. There speaks your saint. |
FLORA | You were the one who called him a saint. |
TONY | Listen, everyone. Can’t we just be serious for a minute? There’s something I want to explain. It’s about Sandra—this girl whom I’ll be seeing tonight. |
FLORA | My God! He’s got himself engaged! |
TONY | No. We’re not engaged. |
FLORA | Well, then, you’ve got her into trouble. |
TONY shakes his head. There’s a knock at the door. MARY comes in.
MARY | (To HESTER) Shall you want more hot water? |
HESTER | No! (Less sharply) No, thank you, Mary. We have everything we need. |
MARY | You haven’t eaten very much. Is the sponge cake heavy? (To HESTER) You remember—I warned you—I thought the sponge cake would be heavy. (Skittish again) It was all your fault! You told me I should write that letter to my father—so I hurried with the beating of it. Therefore, blame Mrs Berg, everyone. Has everybody finished? Shall I clear away? |
HESTER | No. Just leave it all till later. |
MARY | Really? Oh, yes. Very well. |
TONY | And the sponge cake wasn’t heavy. |
MARY | Thank you, Mr Tony. But I think I didn’t beat it up enough. Next time it will be better. |