Father of the Man (2 page)

Yet today he found no solace. Today all the inscriptions which said in loving memory of this beloved wife or that lamented husband—mother, father, whatever—struck a merely mocking note. Today for possibly the first time in his life he could scarcely bear to contemplate them.

Take Abby, now.

Ephraim thought that Abby would never lament him, cry for him, as much as she had lamented, cried for, a friend, a fellow undergraduate, who had six years ago hanged himself.

And Roger? Well, about Roger…Ephraim even now admitted that he couldn’t be quite sure. About Roger he would simply have to reserve judgment.

Oscar, though. Oscar was easy. Like Abby. Oscar was unlikely to mourn him as he had mourned Rick’s dad—again this had happened six years before—Rick’s dad, whom he had hardly known; mourned him pale-faced, almost silent, for two whole days, maybe three. At the time Ephraim had put it down to a sense of shock (no, it was Jean who had formulated this): shock that the tanned, athletic forty-three-year-old, with the boisterous sense of humour and the particularly loud laugh, who had reportedly collapsed in the middle of a nearby court whilst clawing grotesquely at the net, could in fact just as easily have been his own, Oscar’s, dad. “You see, there but for the grace of God,” said Jean, soberly, to a forty-six-year-old Ephraim, “there but for the grace of God, my love, go you.”

But that had been then—then, when he’d had a fairly decent job and the money had been coming in with unwavering regularity.

Now he truly believed that Jean would never cry for him as much as she had cried last winter for her cat.

Oh, well. Who cared? He said it aloud. “Who cares?” Not just once but several times. Shouted it. “Who cares?”

A snatch of tune ran through his head. “I care for nobody…no, not I…and nobody cares for me.”

It made him think not so much of
The Miller of Dee
as of an old black-and-white film he’d seen on television—and long before that, but he could scarcely remember it, at the Classic in Baker Street. The one with the Cornish Rhapsody and Margaret Lockwood; made sometime during the war.

Love Story
. From the days when he had wept and been romantic…when he had actually believed in the possibility of a happy ending, even for the very messiest of situations and against the most unlikely odds. He had always wanted (well, perhaps this was a legacy from his parents, who certainly didn’t have one, anyhow not together)…he had always wanted a love story.

3

“Heigh-ho,” said Roger, “I suppose I’d better shift.” He had to catch a bus to the railway station. “Otherwise Dad will be back and I could just as well have gone with him and Polly.” He’d meant to get it over with quickly, this chore of seeing to his ticket, and then return in time to do some studying before tea. Once tea was over, it would be television, bath-time, bed. He had to be up in the morning by half-past-five.

“Anyway, it’s good to see you take life easy,” said his mother. She too was relaxing: working on the embroidery pattern she’d bought two years before in London. “I mean, doing nothing, not even watching the wretched box.” (By this time he’d cast aside the Sunday supplement.) She herself watched television—quite a lot, indeed—but she felt irritated by the fact. For her, it symbolized vicarious living, empathy with those residing in trouble spots as well as anywhere else, whilst Ephraim chiefly wanted to watch old movies, which he regarded as a much-needed form of escape. Well, Ephraim would, wouldn’t he? “Take a leaf out of Oscar’s book,” she now counselled Roger, smilingly.

“No, thank you.”

Jean looked up. Decided not to comment. It was the ant-and-the-grasshopper syndrome. When she’d been fifteen or so Somerset Maugham had been her favourite author. The trouble was that she liked—no, loved—both ants and grasshoppers. Loved them equally, though the first could be priggish, obstinate and far too serious, whilst the second could be infuriating, wildly irresponsible, leave an emptied saucepan standing on a burning hotplate, allow the bathwater to overflow.

Ironically, though, each had the wrong appearance to match up with his own half of the metaphor. The ant was long and scrawny; the grasshopper was squat. The ant didn’t care much about clothes but could easily have been stylish. The grasshopper, when in England, subscribed to the
Gentlemen’s Quarterly
but failed to attain the casual elegance he saw therein and struggled so to emulate. Roger took after his granddad—Jean’s father—not only in height but in his regular and clean-cut features; his hair was thick and lightly waved, dark brown, possessed a natural sheen. Oscar’s was dry, mouse-coloured, kinky. Furthermore, Oscar’s nose had been broken at football, then badly set. Nor were his teeth as white and even as his brother’s. But what he did have was his
smile
. His smile and his charm and his sex appeal. Jean had often told him this and she didn’t care if that wasn’t the sort of thing you were supposed to say to your own son. She wanted her children to be confident.

In fact, Abby and Oscar
were
confident; nowadays she had few fears for either of them. In the latter’s own words he was ‘a bouncer-back upon the tennis court of life’. The same was true of Abby. And the game they played was one which they’d both most likely win; plus, there was almost sure to be good money in it. Yet regarding Roger she felt less certain. Far less so. For one thing, he was too sensitive. His siblings were sensitive as well—she couldn’t have loved them so dearly if they weren’t—but they hadn’t the same vulnerability (Oscar called it softness), they wore a protective covering which their brother seemed to lack. Roger carried Abby’s and Oscar’s qualities to extremes. He was completely reliable, more so than they, perhaps more considerate too, more attached to concepts of justice and integrity—this time Oscar called it stuffy, yet did so with unmistakable affection—indeed, Roger was everything that from some viewpoints was the most admirable; but it wasn’t necessarily the world’s viewpoint, and these days, for Jean, it was sometimes the world’s viewpoint which mattered most. Roger was a plodder. A plodder could be held up in school as an example, but a plodder wasn’t dashing, didn’t gamble, and didn’t, not usually, end up rich. Not poor either, maybe, but not rich-rich, let’s-go-for-a-first-class-meal sort of rich, let’s drive to London for the weekend, let’s fly off to the Bahamas or the Caribbean. Plodders didn’t get the fun out of life that life should have on offer.

Nor unfailingly, of course, did non-plodders. Look at herself. Look at Ephraim.

No, don’t. Don’t look at either of them; the spectacle would prove too disheartening for the observer, too shaming for the observed. Yet once—the pair of them—oh, such high hopes as they had had, such plans, such conversations: midnight conversations; lights-out and holding-hands-in-bed conversations, one o’clock, two o’clock, three. Not invariably sinful hopes, either, requiring the bended knee to Mammon—what about that smallholding in the Dordogne they had so frequently discussed?—she thought they could have made a go of that. A secondhand camper or estate car?…now they didn’t have
any
sort of car and, anyway, Ephraim still couldn’t drive, neither of them could, nor had they taken lessons. (Both Abby and Oscar, however, had passed on their first attempts.) Theirs was the only family she knew that didn’t have a car. She had to drag the shopping back from Tesco’s in a bus. She’d used to catch a taxi home but in recent weeks even a taxi—although the journey cost well under two pounds, they didn’t live that far from the Victoria Centre—even this was out of the question. (And if she ever went to Sainsbury’s, which actually she preferred, there was a far longer walk to the bus stop.) Oh, damn it. Damn it all. She wanted so much better for her children.

Suddenly she stood up. “Darling, how about a cup of tea before you go? I’ll put the kettle on.” It was comfortable, sitting here before the gas fire with Roger; she didn’t want the moment to end too quickly.

As she ran the tap she allowed herself a bleak, unwitnessed smile. She herself at one time could have been described as a bouncer-back upon the tennis court of life…before twenty-six years of marriage had worn out the soles on her Reeboks. Had broken the strings on her racket. Had, into the bargain, made her overweight.

Too bad that she, like Oscar, hadn’t taken after her father, that she’d inherited the waistline problems and relative lack of inches on her mother’s side of the family.

But she’d also inherited the prettiness of her mother, and on good days, in a good light, the prettiness, much of it, remained. Chestnut hair was now reinvigorated from a sachet but on the increasingly rare occasions when she could afford to have it cut or when, as Ephraim’s Great-Aunt Julia had been wont to say, it looked as if it were her birthday, she could still draw a glance or two in the street…unless, that is, she was with Abby, who seemed to have inherited the best from everyone, the willowy figure, the regular features, the smile, the sex appeal, the auburn hair—the only thing she had obviously missed out on was Ephraim’s blue eyes. Well, Jean didn’t begrudge her one iota of that admiration. Just so long, dear God, as she always made the most of what opportunities it might present and didn’t get entangled with weak men. If a man was weak, it probably didn’t compensate if basically he were lovable. And most certainly it didn’t as you grew older, had less energy, fewer illusions, a greater need of protection.

She remembered whilst waiting for the kettle that she hadn’t yet looked today at the paperback which Oscar had given her on her last birthday, along with the chocolates and the wine and the flowers, and which she kept propped against the microwave. “Listen to this, darling,” she called. Then she came to stand in the archway between the two rooms—there wasn’t a door—holding the book at some distance from her eyes. “It’s exactly twenty-one years since Jackie Kennedy married Onassis. There was a marriage settlement. If she left him in the first five years she’d get twelve million pounds;
pounds
, not dollars; and if he left her he’d pay six million for every year the marriage had survived. What do you think of that?”

“Not very much. What do you?”

“No, not very much, either.” Even as she said it she recognized that maybe she wasn’t being consistent. But naturally there was a difference between avarice and ambition; between fighting for alimony that was astronomical and fighting for your rightful place among the stars. “Oh, listen. This was the birth date in 1780 of a man called Thomas Horne. Apparently he spent a whole seventeen years counting every word and letter in the Bible. Concluded there were three-quarters of a million words—well, give or take—and three-and-a-half million letters.”

Roger bit his lip. “He evidently imagined he was doing something useful. Poor fellow. Seventeen years! I wonder if he woke up every morning and felt excitement about the day that lay ahead?”

The kettle began to boil. Jean returned the bulky volume to its place. “Anyway, thank you, Oscar, for today’s addition to our little store of learning. Bless you, my sweetheart, wherever you may happen to be at this moment and whatever you may happen to be doing.”

“Amen,” said Roger. Even with a friend, he knew he would never have dared to emulate his brother’s behaviour.

To be so far from home! To have so little money! To be able to speak only English and a smattering of French!

He sometimes resented Oscar but he wished he had a portion of his courage.

Blu-tacked to the fridge was a picture of the Ganges: not surprisingly, Oscar sent more postcards than letters, though not even a great many of
those
. The Ganges! Well, at any rate, thought Jean, last July she and Ephraim had bought themselves a time-share flat in Spain. They had borrowed heavily but it was worth it.
Mi Jardin
didn’t appeal to her that much—oh, of course it would be interesting to have a look at it just once—yet the joy of the thing was its incorporated system of exchange which meant that, in theory, they would now have the option of travelling almost anywhere, even to places like the banks of the Ganges, or Japan or Canada or South America. It was like a throwing open of the world’s portals when she had begun to believe them closed to her forever. A time-share apartment meant,
in theory
(if they could only raise the cash), the almost unheard-of luxury of going on holiday each year, because a good part of it would already have been paid for and Ephraim couldn’t bear to throw away his money—although in fact there was an arrangement whereby you could let the apartment and not lose anything, a kind of escape clause, but she didn’t think Ephraim had absorbed this yet and she certainly saw no need to point it out to him.

Escape clause
…when a time-share in itself symbolized the happiest escape route anybody could imagine? Adventure! A broadening of horizons! Unending source of wondrous anticipation and of wondrous conjecture! Before this, she had often lain awake torturing herself with the thought of all the faraway places she would never get to see; for some nights back in July, however, she had been kept awake by sheer excitement at the prospect of the countless enticing paths which now led off from the prison.

She poured their cups of tea and brought them through. “Like a rock cake?” she asked. “I think there should be one left.”

“No, thanks.”

“Yes, do. If not, your father will only get it. And you’re the one who’s still a growing lad.”

But again he shook his head. He took a reflective sip.

“There’s nothing wrong between you and Dad, is there?”

She shrugged. “Oh, well,” she said. “You know your father. We often have our moments.”

At first it seemed as if she might clarify these statements. But she went on: “No, no, of course there isn’t. What even made you ask?”

She rose from her chair and went to add some more milk.

4

There were three people ahead of him in the queue at the ticket office. The first was a soldier who was having trouble with his rail warrant; the clerk was needing to explain the same few points over and over again, his patience waning visibly at each repetition. The clerk was a young man with a ponytail and one earring, both of which assorted oddly with his collar, tie, tweed jacket. While Roger waited—there was also a male dwarf in front of him and a fat teenage mother, with a black eye and a baby—he idly looked around the vast booking hall at things which he had never noticed before: particularly at some decorative pillars high up on the walls with, between them, porthole windows encircled by stone wreathes and, beneath them, squares of green and brown marble. None of this was especially interesting but it annoyed Roger that in a year of coming and going he hadn’t once been aware of it. He was also annoyed by the obtuseness of the soldier; by the unchecked mucus running from the baby’s nose; by the minutes ticking past without apparent progress. His annoyance deepened. What was really beginning to get to him was the economy of having only one ticket window open, when the price of the annual fare to London had now risen to roughly three-and-a-half thousand pounds—when, because of this, he was having to give up his job and didn’t know what the heck he was going to do about a new one—when even trying to work out the alternatives had the power to make him speedily loose-bowelled. And in the face of all this they had only one ticket window open. You’d suppose for the prices they charged they might offer you a bit of service.