Fat Assassins (21 page)

“Next up is a Nitro first - a female driver. Help me welcome Becky Bodine
from Charleston. Her five-and-oh record at the Rocky Mountain Racetrack
automatically qualified her for the final race of the night.”
 

We looked down at Bubba in his Eddie Bauer outfit yelling at the top of his lungs and joined in with the cheers. Now we were torn between friend loyalty and women’s liberation!

“Clarence ‘Cornnut’ Maple is a racing veteran and holds the title for most
wins at the Dirty Beaver racetrack. We’ll see if these youngsters can stop the
record holder!”

Betty stood up and whistled over the crowd cheers. We clapped diplomatically since we did like him.

“The sixth and final spot will be driven by Johnny Mueller. He’s a last minute
stand-in for Michael Shomacker of Tornado, WV. We’ve never seen Johnny
chasing anything but women, so this should be an interesting race.”
 

Johnny drove the car around the track and stopped in front of our bleachers and blew Ulyssa a kiss. All the girls sighed and purred at his display of affection. I looked at Ulyssa and she was glaring at him with fury, not affection. He drove over to join the pack.

Heavy metal music rocked through the speakers as the cars took their place on the starting line and burned through the starter lap. The music faded as the drivers completed the circle and the green flag signaled the start of the race. The massive roar nearly shook me off the end of the bleachers. I scooted both cheeks back onto the metal seating and watched as the cars began maneuvering for position.

Johnny’s inexperience was evident as he was quickly moved to the back of the pack. Becky managed to grab the inside position on the turn and block Cornnut from passing her. This forced Mitchell and Rob high onto the outside. That was just the first lap of thirty! This was going to be a great race. The next laps continued much the same way. Becky was in the lead, Cornnut jockeying for second, Rob and Mitchell fighting for third. Johnny trying not to get lapped.

Tamera and Jennifer had closed up the concession stand and were standing at the edge of the bleachers cheering on the racers. As the racers turned the corner for the twenty-fifth lap, Tamera jumped forward and pulled up her airbrushed tank top and flashed the drivers. I think she was trying to give Rob a competitive edge, but it caused him to drive straight into the wall. A white flag waved to caution the other drivers while everyone worked to pull the wrecked car off the track. Rob was yelling at her and she was crying as they followed the car into the pit area.

The cars regrouped in the position order and made another lap before the green flag kicked off the final laps. Each lap was a quarter of a mile and only took the cars about fifteen seconds per turn. Those final minutes were exhilarating as Cornnut and Becky battled for first. Mitchell was pretty much guaranteed a third place finish at this point. Cornnut cut in front of Becky on the next lap and continued to weave so she couldn’t pass him. He held the lead for the next lap then they alternated leads. On the final lap, they came out of the back stretch neck in neck. The crowd went nuts as the checkered flag dropped on the photo finish.

The only problem is that Beaver hadn’t installed cameras for a situation like this, so a giant argument erupted down on the field about the winner. The audience quieted down waiting to hear the results. The anonymous voice declared Becky the winner and the crowd ran onto the field led by Bubba. He ran and grabbed her in a big hug as she hoisted the trophy above her head. The Nitro Daily reporter was snapping her photos and trying to get a quote from her, but she walked over and shook hands with Cornnut, Mitchell and Johnny. Cornnut didn’t look happy about losing, but seemed to have a newfound respect for Becky.

We ran down and congratulated Mitchell on his third place finish. He seemed pretty happy with his miniature trophy and fifty dollar winnings.

“You were awesome!” Tater slapped him on the back.

Mitsy gave him a hug. “Congrats!”

Sam, Ulyssa and I slapped him high fives.

“Thanks for coming out to cheer for me! I could hear y’alls big mouths over the cars!” He joked. “Anybody want to go out and celebrate?”

”Not us. We got an early day tomorrow.” Ulyssa declined for us.

“I’m game.” Tater said.

“Me too.” Sam and Mitsy both added.

“Y’all have some fun for us too!”

We made our way back to the Pinto and joined the line of cars waiting to exit the parking lot.

Our blissful state evaporated as soon as we saw the familiar towncar parked outside the trailer. We stomped up the stairs and swung the door open. Joey and his sidekick were sitting on our couch drinking blended mochas. We were still full of adrenaline from the races and that seemed to downplay the danger of having two mafia goons hanging out in our trailer.

“Hey guys!” Ulyssa said, dropping her purse and keys on the counter. “How can we help you? No redecorating this time?”

“Nah. This is just a courtesy visit to let you know that Nicolo is tired of waiting on yous and hired some other exterminators. You got some competition now, so yous might want to step it up a notch.” He scraped the rest of his mocha from the glass.

“Did you try the hazelnut or plain mocha mix?” I asked.

“Mocha. I didn’t even see the hazelnut. Maybe I’ll try it next time.” Joey responded.

“You should. The hazelnut is my favorite. It’s really good if you add some Kahlua.”

Ulyssa shot me a shut-it look.

“Well thanks for the heads up and for not trashing our trailer again. But if you’ll excuse us, we have a big day tomorrow.” She held open the door waiting for them to get off the couch and leave. They sat their glasses in the sink and walked to the door.

“Gawd!” Ulyssa stomped over and plopped down in the couch.

I sat down next to her. “Yeah. My stress level just went through the roof again.

How are we supposed to compete will real assassins?”

“I don’t know. I’m all out of ideas too. We’ve tried all of Hollywood’s recommendations and none of them worked.”

“No kidding. We’ve almost been killed three times now and we’re no closer to offing Marcus!”

“I wonder why they didn’t trash the trailer again.” We both sat upright and ran to the bathroom. Ulyssa grabbed the Tampax box and pulled the lid back.

“Damnit!” She pulled out a note.

Either you owe me $11,000 or I owe you $29,000. You decide.

“Oh no!”

“Things just got a little more complicated.”

We were sitting at the Starbuck’s outdoor patio mulling over the latest complication in our job when loud motor reverberations began shaking the whip cream on my mocha.

“What the …?” Ulyssa stopped talking as a leather clad driver steered a sleek black motorcycle into a nearby parking spot. The slender driver dismounted the bike and pulled the helmet from her head.

“Wow.”

What was a movie star doing in Nitro?

She moved across the street with deliberate smoothness and sat down at our table. “So, you’re the competition?” The steely undertones in her voice made my spine go rigid.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ulyssa put on her tough girl exterior, but she was no match for this woman.

“Cut the shit! I know who you are and what you were hired to do.” She leaned back in the chair and crossed her booted ankles before continuing. “And now I’m here to do the job, since you can’t finish.”

“We’re halfway through! You can’t just come in here and take over.” Ulyssa bristled.

“There’s no halfway. Either he’s dead or he’s not. And he’s not.” She turned her deadly gaze towards me. “I’m not surprised. You’re clearly not assassin material.”

She extended her arms and flicked her fingers, like she was about to attack.

“Killing you certainly won’t bring any honor.”

I found my voice. “Killing us? You don’t even know us. Why would you kill us?”

“My orders are to kill you after I kill Marcus.”

“What if we kill him first?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I doubt you will, but if you do, you get to live.”

“Are we supposed to kill you after we kill Marcus?” Ulyssa asked.

This made the movie star laugh. “Hardly. I’ve done work for Nicolo in the past, so he trusts me. You two are wildcards. You’ll have to do the job to earn his trust. And live.”

“If you’re so great, why didn’t he hire you instead of us?” Ulyssa poked.

“I was
unavailable
, so to speak.”

“Can’t you just let us do the job? I mean you don’t want to kill us, remember no honor in it, and we don’t want to die…..” I reasoned.

“It’s business. I get paid to do the job. And I get paid well.”

“We’ll give you $30,000 not to kill us.”

“No dice! I get $50,000 for doing the whole job.”

“You’re getting $50,000? We got gipped!” Ulyssa protested.

“Our future murderer is sitting across the table from us and you’re worried about the money?” I protested.

“She’s only our future murderer if we don’t finish the job!”

“Just be glad it’s me killing you. I’ll make it quick and painless. The Russians will probably be here tomorrow and they’re not as nice as me.”

“Russians?”

“Yeah, they do odd jobs for Nicolo too. But they’re especially unpredictable, so he hasn’t been using them much lately.”

“Why Russians?”

“They’re good. And it’s tough tying them back to the family.” She leaned forward in her seat. “Just like I’m Canadian. Heading straight North after this job.”

I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice!

“Hate to bust up the party, but I’ve got a job to do.” She stood up. “I’ll be seeing you later.”

My heart stopped.

“Not if we see you first.”

Did Ulyssa just threaten a professional assassin? Great!

My determination increased as the reverberations of the motorcycle muffler evaporated into the distance.

“Did you see how buff she was? She could kill us with her bare hands!”

“We need to do this. And do it fast!” Ulyssa chugged her drink. “Finish your drink. We’re going back to the library.”

It was Monday, so we were stuck waiting behind Ruth again. It must’ve been a lonely weekend because she was taking forever to finish her online romance session.

So much for acting fast!

I killed time talking to Jennifer, finding out why she was hanging out with the snobs at Buck’s.

“Good Morning!” I said, leaning on the counter.

“Hey Shasta!” She answered in her exaggerated Southern accent. “Y’all waiting on the Internet again? You may want to come back later. Ruth seems really chatty today.”

“I figured I’d hang out and talk to you while we waited. Unless you’re busy?”

“Nah. There ain’t too much to do here once you’ve stocked the books and cleaned the desks.”

“Do you ever get bored?”

“Sometimes. But it’s kinda cool getting to see all the different types of books people check out.”

“Really?” I asked with genuine surprise. I had never considered being a Librarian an interesting psychology study.

“Yeah. Take George Dilford. He’s always checking out Chemistry books. I never took him for book smart, but maybe he’s a scientist or something.”

“Yup. I bet he has a Chemistry lab in his house making all kinds of concoctions.”
More like a meth lab.
I didn’t say it out loud because Jennifer seemed naive and I didn’t want to be the one to tell her the whole town was crazy.

“You’re parents are always checking out Botany books, but that makes sense since they run the fruit stand.” She leaned forward and whispered, “Ruth has a bunch of yoga and sex books that are overdue.”

I retched, making her laugh.

“I know! But apparently she’s a hot ticket in the 70+ club. And let’s see…. Bob and Billy have been looking at police and martial arts books lately.”

“Ha. That’s explains their tear gas attack on Saturday! Can you believe that?”

“Yeah. I can’t believe they didn’t get arrested!”

“They didn’t?”

“No, Buck didn’t press charges since he said that knocking out Salvo with the gas saved the bar from being destroyed in a fight. He said that woulda been a lot more dangerous than some tear gas. He even offered everyone a free round once the bar has been properly ventilated.”

“Wow! That was nice of him!”

“Yeah. Daddy is pretty cool when it comes to that kinda stuff.”

“Were you having fun until the evacuation?”

“It was okay. Virginia and her friends are really dull. I’m not sure why she even invited me. I’m not even in their age group.”

“You guys aren’t friends?”

“Nah. She spent Saturday morning, hanging out and reading the latest fashion magazines. On her way out, she asked if I wanted to hang out with them at karaoke. I never really get invited to anything, so I said sure. It was really boring, but it looked like you guys were having a lot more fun.” 

I didn’t realize how lonely she’d been. “You can hang out with us anytime you want. Just be warned that we’re raving mad!”