Faster We Burn (36 page)

I emailed Kayla and gave her the low down, and she messaged back right away that she was coming home early for Christmas and bringing Adam, and that they were going to take some time off and stay with mom for a few months. At least until the next semester was over and I’d be home for the summer.

Right. Home for the summer. I emailed Kayla back saying that was great. I had a whole other semester to figure out what I was going to do this summer. I’d worry about that later.

The rest of the weekend I spent picking up on the slack, including paying bills and doing a few loads of laundry.

I caught Mom crying over her wedding album just before I was due to leave and go back to school on Sunday night.

“Mom?” Most of the time I pretended like I didn’t hear her crying because she worked so hard to hide it. I’d cried a little here and there, but nothing like I should be. Guess that denial thing was still going strong.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She shoved the album away and wiped her eyes with her hand.

“No, it’s okay. You have every right to cry.” I grabbed the newly-replenished tissues and handed them to her.

“I just keep expecting things to get better, you know?” She blew her nose and I sat down beside her, looking at the pictures of my then-young parents, gazing adoringly at each other. They’d had their tough times, but I never doubted their love for one another.

“Everyone says it will get better, but I still feel like a part of me is missing.”

“That’s because a part of you is. When you love someone, you give them a little piece of yourself to keep. When they die, or they leave, they take it with them.” Even Zack had taken a little bit of me with him. “When you lose someone, you have to learn how to live without that missing piece.”

She sighed and blew her nose again.

“When did you get so smart?”

“Just recently.” I took the used tissue from her and chucked it in the trash, closing the album with my other hand. “Listen, I have to get back, but I’ll be here for break next week. All I have are finals, and then I’ll be home, and Kayla will be here, okay?”

“You don’t have to take care of me.” She slid the album back into its place on her dresser.

“Of course I do.” I got up and gave her a hug. “You’re my mother.”

“I just can’t imagine what Christmas is going to be like. I don’t even want to think about it. Nothing’s going to be the same.”

“I know.”

She hugged me back and then touched my hair.

“Pink, huh? It looks cute on you.” She ran some of the newly-pink hair through her fingers. I was still getting used to it, but I was still thrilled with how it turned out. I felt more…me with it.

“Thanks.”

Mom let out a sigh, pushing my hair over my shoulders.

“So, is that boy going to be around? The one that brought you to the hospital?”

Mom still couldn’t remember his name.

“Stryker?”

She nodded.

“Is he allowed to be around?”

“Well, I just thought that you said he didn’t have a place to go for Thanksgiving, so he might not have a place to go at Christmas, and he was so great when everything happened that you might want to invite him over.” She put on a smile as I tried to figure out if it was opposite day.

“I’ll, um, I’ll ask him.” It hadn’t occurred to me to even ask Mom if he could come. Stryker and I hadn’t talked about Christmas plans, mostly on purpose because I knew he didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Trish was teaming up with Lottie again, and everyone else had somewhere too.

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”

***

Winter dropped the hammer down on us with a vengeance and we had snowstorm after snowstorm, causing classes to be cancelled right before finals. Stryker called off Band, but the rest of our crew braved the bad weather and came over instead.

“You still owe me dinner out,” I said as we popped two pizzas into the oven.

“I’m aware, I’m aware. I just don’t know if they’re going to let us back into Caroline’s, ever, and that’s the nicest place that’s close.”

“You don’t have to take me to the nicest place. Just a place with food and a decent atmosphere.”

“But I want to give you fancy,” he said, pouting a little. Damn, that was sexy.

I set the timer and turned around.

“I don’t need fancy. I just need you.”

He leaned in to kiss me just as the door burst open, bringing with it arctic air and the rest of our snow-covered crew.

“Son of a bitch, it’s cold out there,” Trish said, blowing on her non-gloved hands.

“Hon, you should wear gloves,” Max said, taking her hands in his and rubbing them.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Stryker had almost gotten over the fact that his sister was dating Max, but every now and then I caught him giving Max a look like he wanted to disembowel him for touching Trish.

“Be nice,” I said, brushing my fingers across his chest. “He could be your future brother-in-law.”

Stryker shuddered.

“There’s something I don’t want to think about for at least twenty years.”

“Good luck with that,” I said, watching Trish and Max giving each other googly eyes.

I still hadn’t asked him about Christmas. I wasn’t sure why, exactly. Maybe I was afraid that he’d feel obligated to come, and I really didn’t know how things were going to go, with Dad gone. There was a very good chance Mom was going to go to a really dark place and it would be one giant disaster. He’d seen enough of my family disasters to last a lifetime.

Stryker beat me to the punch.

“How do you think your mom’s going to do? With Christmas and everything?”

He handed me a beer from the fridge, grabbing one for himself.

“Results are inconclusive. It could go either way.” I popped the top and took a sip as everyone else piled in, bringing bags of groceries. “But, um, you are invited to come. You know, only if you want.”

He paused with the bottle halfway to his lips.

“Really? I don’t want to impose or anything. I know this is a hard time—” I interrupted him.

“No, no, not at all. I’d love to have you there. You were so good before, and…it would suck a lot less with you around.”

He smiled at me. “Good.”

“Good.” I raised my beer and he clinked it with his.

Chapter Thirty-two

Stryker

I’d been nervous for Thanksgiving with Katie’s family, but that was nothing to how I felt about Christmas.

“Should I bring a tie? Do you think I should bring a tie?” I said to Katie as I packed a bag. I was only planning on staying for a week or so, to feel things out, even though our winter break was nearly a month long. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.

“You are being way too neurotic,” Katie said, leaning on my suitcase so I couldn’t put anything more in it. “No one is going to care if you wear a tie, although, I like that black thin one you have in your closet.”

I went and grabbed the only black skinny tie I owned.

“This one?”

“That’s the one.” She took it from me, folded it and placed it in the suitcase. “I think you need to be done now.” She zipped it shut and lay on top of it so I couldn’t access it, even if I wanted to.

“Why are you so nervous? You’ve been to my house a bunch of times. You’ve seen us at our worst and still came out alive.”

“That was…different. I was there because I had a place to fill. You were so sad and I wanted to be there for you. But you don’t need me like that anymore. You’re strong enough.”

I shrugged.

Katie got up from our bed and stood in front of me, a little smile on her face.

“You’re an idiot. You’re. An. Idiot.” I’d said the exact same thing to her once. “I do need you. I need you because sometimes I feel like you’re the one thing that holds me together. I start thinking about all the bad things in my life and then I think of you, and all the bad things don’t seem so bad anymore.”

I put my arms around her.

“But the real question is, should I bring another tie?”

***

This time, Katie drove, and we didn’t need a GPS. I also had her hand in mine. She had to take it slow as a few snowflakes drifted down and melted as quick as they hit the pavement.

“You think we’re going to get a white Christmas?” she said, dropping her speed down as the snow got heavier. Pretty soon it would start to stick. I just hoped we got there before that happened. I didn’t exactly trust the Mazda’s ability to navigate a snowy road.

“That would be nice. Haven’t had one of those in a long time,” I said, peering up at the grey sky.

“When I was a kid and it snowed, Dad used to take this thing and make reindeer footprints on the lawn. That was how I discovered that Santa wasn’t real. I caught him doing them one night. He was so upset that year.”

I loved hearing about her Christmas memories. They beat the hell out of mine.

“I guess there won’t be anyone to do it now.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I don’t know. I guess I could.”

“Make you a deal. If it snows, we’ll go out and do it together.” I squeezed her hand and she squeezed back.

“Deal.”

***

The other thing that gave me pause was Katie’s Christmas present. I had two, actually. One to give her in front of her family and one that I’d give her in private. I’d made both of them, and I was beyond nervous that she’d like them. One could be construed as semi-creepy, and that was the one I was going to give her when we were alone.

I had no idea what she had planned for me, but I knew she was up to something, because I’d caught her whispering on the phone when she thought I was doing something else. I didn’t really care if she gave me anything. Having her safe and in my arms was enough.

“Well hello again,” Kayla said, opening the door and giving Katie a huge hug. As soon as they let go, Kayla grabbed me and gave me one too. Well that was unexpected.

“Hey, man,” Adam said, giving me a handshake.

“Oh my God,” Katie said, staring at Kayla.

“What?” she said, giving Adam a nervous look that he shared. I looked at Kayla, but didn’t get it.

“You’re pregnant,” Katie said, removing her hand from her mouth. “You are freaking pregnant!”

“Keep your voice down,” Kayla said, grabbing Katie’s arm and yanking us back out on the porch. I had no choice but to follow, and Adam closed the door behind us.

“I haven’t told mom yet, you moron. Besides, we just found out. How did you even know?”

“Look at you.” She looked exactly the same to me. I even let my eyes travel to her stomach, but it looked just as flat as ever. “I can totally see it.”

“Where?” Kayla flattened her shirt over her stomach.

“Right there.” Katie pointed to an invisible bump that only she could see.

“If it’s any consolation, I can’t see anything,” I said as Kayla smoothed her hands over the invisible bump.

“I told her that, but she’s been paranoid,” Adam said. “I’m telling you, sweetie, you can’t see anything.” He put his hands around her and kissed the side of her face.

“Well, congratulations anyway,” I said, poking Katie, who was still gaping at Kayla.

“Thanks,” Adam said. “We didn’t plan it, but then some of the best things are unplanned, aren’t they?”

“Amen to that,” I said.

Katie still seemed like she was in shock.

“You’re pregnant?” she whispered, looking at Kayla.

“Yeah, I am.” Kayla said, starting to cry. “You’re gonna be an auntie.”

Then Katie burst into tears and they hugged and cried and laughed. Adam and I just looked at each other. Sometimes there was no understanding the Hallman women. Didn’t mean we wouldn’t try.

The front door opened and Mrs. Hallman poked her head out.

“What are you all doing out here? What’s wrong?” She was immediately alarmed because of the tears.

Kayla sighed and looked at Adam.

“Well, I was going to wait until Christmas, but I guess now is a good a time as any.” She took Adam’s hand and pulled him close. “We’re going to have a baby.” She beamed and waited for the reaction.

“You’re pregnant?” Mrs. Hallman clutched her chest and looked like she was going to faint. Katie reached out and grabbed her so she didn’t fall. “Oh my God, you’re
pregnant
?” Like daughters, like mother, she burst into tears and threw herself at Kayla and at Adam. Lots more tears and hugging ensued.

“So you’re happy?” Kayla said. “I know we’re not married…”

“Oh, who cares?! I’m going to be a grandmother. Oh, Kayla! Come on, let’s get you into the house.”

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“The cold isn’t good for you, come on.” Rolling her eyes behind her mother’s back, Kayla let herself be led inside and the rest of us followed.

Unlike Thanksgiving, the house was nearly bare of decorations. There was an undecorated tree, and not much else, which surprised me. Or maybe it wasn’t surprising, giving the absence of Mr. Hallman.

Mrs. Hallman led Kayla into the kitchen and forced her to sit down and have some tea, before slamming her with questions about the baby and how far along she was and everything else. Katie and I slipped away so I could get my things and put them in her room. She’d said that it would be okay for me to stay in her room, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath. I could always bunk down in the basement if I had to.

“Kayla’s a big one for the surprises, isn’t she? First it was the engagement, now this.”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it. I knew she wanted kids, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this soon.” She sat down on her bed, lay back and closed her eyes. “I wonder if this means she’s going to come home. That would be good.”

“Yeah, it would take some of the pressure off you.”

“I shouldn’t even think of it as pressure. I shouldn’t think of it that way. I should want to do it. She’s my mom, Stryker.”

“I know, I know.” I lay down next her, squishing myself against her on the twin bed. “Listen, I have a present for you, but I wanted to give it to you when it was just the two of us. I know it’s not Christmas, but I want to give it to you now, if that’s ok.”