Farewell to Cedar Key (16 page)

29

S
omehow I'd managed to put aside my concerns about Orli and had enjoyed the spirit of Christmas Eve.

On the drive to Grant's mother's house the next morning, my cell phone rang and I answered to hear my mother say, “Merry Christmas, Josie. I hope I'm not interrupting the festivities.”

“No, no, not at all. We're driving to Molly's house. Merry Christmas, Mom. How're you feeling?”

“Actually, quite well. Give me a head's up . . . have you said anything to Orli?”

“Not really.”

“Okay. Good. No sense ruining her time up there over something that might turn out to be nothing.”

I had a million questions for my mother, but Orli's presence in the backseat prevented me from asking. “So you and Dad are having a good Christmas morning? And Mags is there?”

“Yes, yes. She's here. I made eggs benedict for breakfast. We're enjoying some coffee on the patio.”

“Who's going with you for the testing tomorrow?”

“Your father is. Mags is going to spend some time visiting with Jane.”

“Promise to call me as soon as the tests are over and you leave Gainesville?”

“Yes, I will. But Josie, it's probably going to take a while before we have any results.”

If they were rushing the scan, I had a feeling they'd also rush the results.

“Listen, honey, I'll let you go. Wish Grant and Orli a Merry Christmas from all of us here and give them our love. I'll call you tomorrow. Promise.”

I disconnected the call and let out a sigh.

Grant reached across the seat and squeezed my hand. “Everything okay?”

I nodded and turned around to face Orli, who had been listening to music on her iPod. “That was Nana. She wished you a Merry Christmas and sent her love. To you too, Grant.”

“Oh, good. Is she feeling okay?” Orli removed the earbuds.

“Yeah, fine. She'll have those tests tomorrow and then we'll know more.”

 

I took a sip of coffee and looked around Molly's dining room table. It had been such a great morning and afternoon. When we'd arrived, Jeff, Melissa, and Dirk were already there. I was astonished at how much my nephew had grown in the few years since I'd last seen him. He was a tall, good-looking young man, and it was obvious that he and Orli enjoyed each other's company. They'd been talking nonstop since we got there. It was good for her to have a relationship with her only cousin.

I glanced across the table, where Grant and his brother were discussing something political and Melissa and Molly were talking about a segment they'd seen on the
Today
show the week before, and I smiled. This was nice. The entire day had been nice—exchanging gifts by the tree, enjoying a turkey dinner, and now lingering over dessert and coffee. It made me realize all the holidays that I'd missed with Grant's family. All the closeness and various events. All because of a choice that I had made sixteen years before.

“Any more coffee? Pie?” I heard Molly say, and I shook my head.

“None for me. Thanks. I'm stuffed.” I took the last sip of my coffee.

Melissa followed Molly into the kitchen, and a few minutes later they returned with Molly carrying a candlelit cake and both singing “Happy Birthday.” All of us joined in, and I saw the look of surprise and delight on Orli's face.

Molly placed the cake in front of her granddaughter, and Orli quickly blew out sixteen candles.

“Oh, wow! Thank you. I had no idea you were doing this . . . but I'm glad you did,” she said, causing all of us to laugh.

“Did you make your wish?” Grant asked.

Her glance went from her father to me, and she nodded. “Yes, I did.”

She then opened gifts of bath products, books, and a lovely gold necklace from Molly.

“Your mom and I are giving you your gift on Sunday,” Grant said.

“Oh, good. I like spreading out my birthday over a few days.”

Dirk laughed. “Doesn't look like you missed out celebrating your day right after Christmas, cuz.”

“Not in the least,” Orli assured him.

Following birthday cake and more conversation around the table, I glanced at my watch and was surprised to see that it was already seven.

Molly got up to begin removing plates and glasses, and Melissa and I did the same. We followed her to the kitchen, and I had to smile because the three of us seemed so in sync. Molly began filling the dishwasher, Melissa was covering leftovers with plastic wrap, and I continued cleaning off the table.

When I walked back in, Molly said, “Oh, Josie, I wanted to ask you. Do you think it would be okay if Orli spent the night with me Saturday evening? I know Grant has lots of plans, but I'd love to spend some time alone with her.”

“Of course it's okay. I know Orli would love that. We're driving her to see the campus at Emerson on Saturday, and we could drop her off here on the way back.”

Melissa looked up from covering the cake. “Emerson? That's great. So she's going to be going to your alma mater?”

I leaned against the counter and shrugged. “Still not sure. This really just came up over the past few days, but yeah, I think she's strongly considering it.”

“Even though it's still over a year away, I know I'd love having my granddaughter so close,” Molly said.

Little do you know,
I thought,
there's a possibility you could have her very close by the time this school year ends.

Following the cleanup we found the guys watching a football game in the den and Orli and Dirk playing a game of Monopoly at the dining room table. It was refreshing to see two young people playing an old-fashioned board game rather than glued to some tech device.

“Tea, coffee, or a drink in front of the tree?” Molly asked.

“Tea would be great,” Melissa said.

“Same here,” I said. “Let me help.”

She shooed us into the sitting room. “No, no. You gals sit and gab. I won't be very long.”

I chose my usual armchair, and Melissa took a spot on the sofa.

“Molly sure does an exceptional job with the tree, doesn't she?” I said.

“She does. We come here pretty much every Christmas, so I never bother to put one up at our house. Not that I'm complaining.”

I let out a chuckle and nodded. “Yeah, it's a lot of work, but with both my mom and Molly, it's a labor of love.”

Melissa reached over and patted my knee. “I'm so glad you're here with us this year, Josie. I'm really happy you came.”

“Thanks. I'm having such a good time.”

“I know Grant's thrilled that you're here.”

“Yeah, he loves having Orli for the holidays.”

“True, he does.” Melissa shifted on the sofa and leaned forward. “But I meant
you.
”

I wasn't sure what to say and could feel a flush creeping up my neck.

“God, Josie, you have to know . . . he still loves you so much. He always has, and no matter what . . . I don't think that's ever going to change.”

“Well . . . I love him too. I mean, geez . . . we did have a daughter together.”

Melissa raised her eyebrows and took a deep breath. “Look, I've known you since the first time Grant brought you to this house. I've always liked you, so I've never wanted to offend you and say anything. Besides, it's really none of my business, but . . . there's so much more going on between the two of you than simply parenting a child together. I respect the decision you made when you found out you were pregnant with Orli, but . . . you have to know . . . Grant's always been crazy in love with you. That'll never change. I just want to make sure that you
do
realize this.”

Did I realize it? I wasn't sure. Actually, I'd never given it much thought. He was always so good to Orli and me. He always agreed with me, no matter what the issue, about how our daughter should be raised. But hadn't it always been about Orli? Surely, it wasn't about
me.

Melissa reached over and gave my arm a squeeze. “I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have said anything. It's just that . . . I see the way Grant looks at you, the way he talks about you, and it always makes me feel so bad. I adore my brother-in-law and I'd love for him to have what Jeff and I have shared all these years. And of course . . . life is so short.”

I nodded and recalled what Mallory had recently said to me: You've always been that one great love in Grant's life.

“Thanks, Melissa. Thanks for being so honest. I do appreciate it.”

No doubt about it—my past was definitely on a collision course with my present. And the worst part was, I didn't have a clue what to do about it.

30

S
aturday was turning out to be another perfect day. The snowflakes had disappeared along with the overcast sky. Although it was cooler than when I'd arrived, the sun was shining, and it felt good to wear a winter coat along with one of my knitted hats and scarves.

It had been sixteen years since I'd returned to Boylston Street and Emerson College. It was located across the street from Boston Common, and Grant, Orli, and I walked around so that she could see the various buildings. I could tell by the look on her face that she was captivated.

“Which one was your dorm, Mom?” she asked.

Before I had a chance to respond, Grant said, “She was in the Colonial Building. Just down here.”

The residence hall and suite-style accommodations were on the floors above the historic Colonial Theater, which was the oldest continuously operating theater in New England.

Orli nodded. “I bet it was so much fun being in the heart of Boston, so close to everything. You never stayed in touch with your roommate or any of your classmates, did you?”

I shook my head. “No, unfortunately, I didn't.” Although I didn't say it, I knew the main reason was because of my circumstances. Leaving college, pregnant, at the end of my freshman year put me into a whole different world from the girls who stayed on at Emerson. Had I chosen to stay and had I married Grant, there was no reason why I couldn't have also continued on with my education. But sixteen years ago that wasn't the choice I'd made.

Since Orli wanted to spend the night with Molly, Grant suggested we have lunch in the North End rather than dinner. By the time we dropped her off in Marblehead, it was close to four.

“Anything special you'd like to do?” he asked as we drove away from his mother's house.

“No. I'd be happy just to go back to your place and relax.”

He laughed. “You're going to need a vacation by the time you get home. I think I'm wearing you out.”

I looked over at his handsome face and smiled. “Not in the least.”

 

We entered the atrium to find Estelle Fletcher watering various plants.

“Hello, hello,” she greeted us as she pointed a finger in my direction. “You still haven't come over to visit me.”

I smiled, but she made me feel like a recalcitrant teen. “I know and I'm sorry. We've just been so busy since I got here.”

She waved a hand in the air. “Not to worry, but maybe you could stop by in the morning for coffee.”

“Yes, that would be great. Around ten?”

“Perfect,” she said before bending over to water a large ficus tree in a terra cotta tub.

Grant let out a chuckle when we entered his condo. “I'm really sorry about that. Estelle can be a bit overpowering.”

I laughed as I headed to the kitchen. “Nah, not a problem. I'll pop by in the morning to have a chat with her.”

“How about some of my mom's turkey pie for supper? I can warm it in the oven now.”

“Sounds great,” I said as my cell phone went off. I saw that it was my mother.

“Josie,” I heard her say. “Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, we dropped Orli to spend the night at Molly's and just got back to the condo. What's up?”

There was a pause before she said, “Well . . . I have some news for you. I had my CAT scan yesterday and we'll have those results on Monday, but . . . the doctor did a biopsy when I was there this past week, and he called this morning to tell me they got the lab report back.”

“So what did it show?”

“Josie . . . I'm afraid it indicates uterine cancer.”

I found my way to the stool at the counter and plunked down. “Oh,” was all I could manage to say for a moment before I mustered up my nursing voice. “Well, okay. At least now we know what's going on. Did he indicate what stage it is?”

“Stage? No, he didn't mention that and I didn't think to ask. He wants to see me in his office next Tuesday. What with the bleeding, I think he wants to move on this fast.”

“Bleeding? What bleeding?” This was the first I was hearing about bleeding.

“Oh . . . uh . . . I had some breakthrough bleeding the week before last. That's why I thought I should see the doctor, as I'm finished with menopause.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “God, Mom! Why didn't you tell me? Yes, that's pretty significant.”

“Okay. Yes, I know that. That's why I made the appointment, and now's not the time to be reprimanding me.”

She was right. “I'm sorry. What can I do, Mom? What can I do to help?”

“Well, I know you're flying home on Tuesday and you arrive in Gainesville at twelve-thirty. So I made the appointment for two.” There was a pause before she said, “I was wondering . . . well, I'd really like . . . for you to go with me to the appointment.”

A warm feeling went through me to hear my mother request that I be the person by her side. “Yes, yes. Of course I'll go with you.”

“Your father and I will pick you up at the airport, and he'll take Orli for lunch while you and I go for the appointment. Will that work for you?”

“Yes, that'll work out fine. How're you feeling, Mom? Any pain?”

“No, no. I'm okay. Still a little tired.”

I had no doubt she was minimizing what was going on.

“Okay, I'll definitely go with you and I'll call you tomorrow. I love you, Mom.”

“Love you too, Josie,” she said before hanging up.

I turned around to see Grant holding a bottle of wine, a concerned expression on his face. “It's not good, is it?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face and I found myself in Grant's arms as he patted my back and attempted to soothe me.

“Come on,” he said, leading me to the sofa. “I'll pour the wine, and you can tell me what's going on.”

My mom has uterine cancer,
I thought.
She could die. That's what's going on
. Bad news always has a way of allowing our rational thoughts to be replaced with the worst-case scenario.

“Here you go,” Grant said, passing me a glass and sitting beside me.

I took a deep gulp and nodded. “Thank you,” I said before blowing out a breath. “She had a biopsy and the results show uterine cancer. I don't know much more than that except she's seeing the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and she asked me to go with her.”

Grant grasped my hand in his. “I admit, it doesn't sound good, but Josie, you know that there are some remarkable treatments for cancer.”

I nodded. He was right. Then why did I feel so scared?

“I know it's easier said than done, but you have to think positive.” He waited a few moments before saying, “Do you want to fly home sooner? I could arrange a flight for tomorrow.”

I realized that once again Grant was putting me and my situation above his own. He relished the fact that Orli and I had two more full days with him, and yet . . .

Before I knew it, tears were running down my face again. I didn't deserve such a caring and thoughtful man.

I felt his arms around me as he whispered, “It's okay, Josie. Whatever you want. Whatever you think is best.”

After a few moments I got my tears under control, sat back, and swiped at my face. I let out a deep breath along with a hiccup and smiled. “Thank you, but no. No. We're not ruining this trip or Orlie's birthday tomorrow. We'll fly back on Tuesday, as planned.”

His smile matched mine. “Okay. We'll enjoy our wine and then have dinner.”

 

I pushed my food around on the plate, consuming very little of it. My appetite had vanished with my mother's news.

“More wine or coffee?” Grant asked after we filled the dishwasher and cleaned up.

I knew I'd already had a few glasses but said, “Wine, please.”

I settled myself on one end of the sofa while Grant poured the wine. He placed the glasses on the coffee table and then went to the CD player and inserted some discs.

By the time he sat down beside me and picked up his glass Roberta Flack's voice was filling the room with “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.”

I looked at Grant and smiled. That was our song. It had played on the car radio the night Grant picked me up for our first date, and we had both agreed the words were written for us. I thought back to that coffee shop in Boston and the first time ever I'd seen his face. I did think that the sun rose in his eyes. And the first time we made love, I knew our joy would last forever.

“We were wrong, weren't we?” I asked.

He shifted on the sofa to look at me. “What do you mean?”

“We always thought our joy would go on forever, didn't we?”

He took a sip of wine and smiled. “It has. We have Orli. She's our joy.”

I nodded, and we both remained silent for a few moments.

“You asked me a question a few nights ago, remember? Whether I ever think how different my life would be had I married you.”

Grant nodded.

“I have a question for you.” I took a gulp of wine. “Something I've wondered about and always wanted to ask you.”

“What is it?”

I paused a moment before saying, “Why did you never ask me to marry you, Grant? Not once did you ask, even after I told you that I was pregnant.”

He fingered the stem of his wineglass and remained silent, making me think perhaps he wasn't going to answer.

And then he said very softly, “Because you never let me.”

I took another sip of wine and waited.

“You never gave me the chance, Josie. You told me right up front which way it was going to go. You were leaving college, leaving Boston, and going back to Cedar Key. You told me you wanted to raise our child alone. You gave me no options.” He took my hand in his. “And I couldn't pressure you. You said you'd allow me to be part of our child's life and that was the most I could hope for.”

“So that was enough for you?”

He let out an exaggerated chuckle. “Enough? God, no. It was never enough. I wanted it all to be so different, but I knew you didn't. And . . . I loved you enough . . . enough to let you go. I couldn't risk losing you completely, and I didn't want the tension of my disappointment coming between us.”

The words from
The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran flashed into my mind—something about loving somebody and letting them go.

I leaned toward Grant, putting my arms around his neck and pulling his face to mine. Without even thinking, I placed my lips on his. And with no hesitation I felt his mouth responding in a long, deep, passionate kiss. Gone was the benign kiss on the cheek, and in its place I felt a surge of desire I had never felt with any other man. The kiss continued as he slid me down on the sofa and awakened a part of me that only at that moment I realized had been dormant for sixteen years.

With both of us breathing heavily, we broke apart and Grant stretched alongside me, holding me in his arms as he stroked my face.

“I've always loved you, Josie. I've never stopped loving you. I want you to know that. I want you understand why I didn't ask you to marry me, and it had nothing to do with love.”

I felt my head nod as I began to realize this. Grant hadn't asked because he knew back then what my answer would be.

I lifted my face to his as his lips met mine again, and again I was consumed with desire. I felt his hands on my body before he pulled away and stared into my eyes.

“God knows I want you, Josie. But if this is going to happen, I want it to be right. I want it to be right with you, and after the news you got this evening . . . I don't think it's the right time.”

I heard the huskiness in his voice, and although my body rebelled, my mind knew that once again it had to do with timing and he was right. I was confused and upset, and I felt like my life was being turned upside down.

“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay. But don't leave me. Stay here with me.”

He kissed my forehead as I snuggled deeper into his arms. “I'll always be with you, Josie.”