Far From Home (31 page)

I didn’t think I’d be able to speak, but a moment later, I could.

“What we have shared means everything to me, Jesse.  I need this from you right now or else I don’t think I’ll be able to make it when you leave.” 

“Please remember I love you,” he said, his voice cracking as he looked into my eyes.  I smiled, knowing I’d never forget how he loved me.

“I’ll remember,” I replied, kissing him softly as I fell into his embrace.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Jesse’s flight was at one o’clock the next afternoon.  He was meeting another group of recruits at the airport, so we had to leave around ten to make it to Wichita on time.  I thought I was ready.  I thought I’d prepared myself the night before.  I’d stayed late at his house and we’d just laid there together as I tried to burn the feeling of him next to me in my mind, hoping it would last until he could hold me again.  But, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I wasn’t ready and I was hardly prepared to say goodbye to Jesse.

My mom was already at work and my grandma was on her walk when I left to pick him up. I was glad they weren’t home.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about how I was feeling.  I’d considered asking my friends to come with us, but Jesse said he didn’t want any big send off and would rather if it just be him and I.  In a way, I was grateful.  While I knew the drive back to Carver would be the loneliest forty-five minutes of my life, I also knew I probably wouldn’t be in the best of shape and didn’t want an audience for my teary drive home. 

When I pulled up, he was already outside and I couldn’t help but think how normal everything seemed.  He looked the same as he always did: jeans and a t-shirt and the Red Sox hat on his head.  He had a small duffle bag beside him as he sat on the stoop in front of the door and he was holding onto something in his right hand, but I couldn’t tell what it was. 

He stood up when he saw my car pull in.  I put it in park and got out.  We walked towards each other, and I didn’t know if we did it on purpose, but we moved slowly, almost as if that would keep the clock from ticking ahead. 

“Are you all set?” I asked him when we finally reached each other.  He nodded as he turned and looked back at the house.

“It’s weird not knowing when I’ll see this place again,” he said and I wondered if he felt that way about me too. 

“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “It’ll be strange not coming over here anymore.”

He didn’t say anything, but turned back to me and I found myself staring at the blue item in his hand.

“What do you have there?” I asked, gesturing towards it.

“Well,” he began, lifting it towards me and I realized it was his Royals hat. “I thought I’d take my Red Sox cap with me, so it appears I have an extra hat.” He placed it on my head and met my eyes with his. “Royal blue looks good on you.”  I just nodded, trying not to cry.  I really didn’t want to make this more impossible than it had to be. 

“I’ll make sure to take good care of it for you and return it to you at graduation.”

“Nah.  It’s yours,” he said with a grin before slowly leaning in and kissing me sweetly.  When he pulled back, I had to bite my lip to keep the tears back.

“We should get going.  We don’t want you to be late,” I managed to say.

He nodded and followed me to the car.  He threw his bag in the back seat and then climbed into the passenger seat beside me.  I didn’t say anything as I pulled out on the road, glancing back in the rearview mirror at the blue house that had become my second home.  I noticed Jesse didn’t look back though.

We were quiet as we drove up the turnpike and he held my hand as he stared out the window.

“Get a good look,” I said as we drove past a large field of sunflowers. “I’m sure San Diego will look much different.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“I hear they have great weather there and awesome beaches.  I’ve always wanted to go to Sea World.  Maybe we could do that when I come out for graduation,” I said, trying to make conversation, but he didn’t say anything. “Whaddya think?” I asked when he didn’t answer.

“About what?” he said, obviously distracted.

“Going to Sea World when I come out for your graduation.”

“Oh.  I don’t know.  I’ll probably be really busy,” he said and then was quiet again.  I didn’t push him any further.  I was having a difficult time with this, but I could only imagine what Jesse was feeling.  Yes, he’d been the one who’d chosen to leave, but at least I’d still have my family and friends when he was gone.  Jesse, however, was leaving into the total unknown.  It must have been terrifying for him.

That sick feeling I’d been battling since the moment Jesse told me he was leaving returned ten-fold when I saw signs for Mid-Continent Airport.  I exited off the highway and pulled into the short term parking.  Jesse got his bag and grabbed my hand, holding it tighter and with more resolve than I could ever recall.

We walked inside the airport and Jesse stopped and looked around. 

“Where are you supposed to meet the others?” I asked.

“Over by the gift shop,” he said and I knew exactly where he meant because there was only one gift shop in Wichita’s airport. 

We walked silently towards it and I instantly saw the group of guys he was meeting.  The six of them were hard to miss as they all stood there, looking nervous and unsure.  There was a man with them wearing a uniform and I figured he was in charge.  Jesse looked over to the man and then back to me.  When our eyes met, I could no longer fight the tears.  His face became blurry and when I blinked, they spilled down my cheeks.  I hiccupped as I tried to control the emotions bubbling up inside of me. 

“Please don’t cry, Riley,” Jesse said as he pulled me to him, kissing me on the forehead, but when I looked at him, his eyes were moist too.

“I’m trying not to,” I said softly. “I’m not doing a very good job though, am I?”

We both tried to laugh, but couldn’t. 

“I love you, Riley,” he said, holding both of my arms as he stared hard into my eyes.

“I love you too,” I answered, but he looked at me more assertively.

“Don’t forget how incredible you are.  You’re going to have an amazing life,” he continued and a tear finally fell from his eye as he quickly brushed it away. “Take care of yourself and remember how special you are.  You’re gonna be alright.”

“Thirteen weeks isn’t that long,” I said, almost in a whisper since my voice didn’t appear capable of anything more than that at the moment.

He pulled me to him and I sobbed into his chest.  His hands stroked my hair and I refused to believe this was the last time I’d feel his arms around me for three months.  I held on tightly and never wanted to let go. 

When Jesse finally released his hold on me, my arms fell limply to their sides and I knew it was time. 

“I need to get going,” he said, gently stroking my damp cheek.

“I love you,” was all I could say.  He smiled sweetly and kissed me once more as I savored every taste and touch of his lips against mine because when he pulled away it would seem like a lifetime before I’d feel it again. He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear as our eyes locked and my heart started to pound in my chest knowing that in a moment he’d be gone.

“I love you, Riley.” His warm voice washed over me and when he turned and walked away, I’d never felt such sadness in all my life.  I could only watch for a moment, memorizing the way he moved and the outline of his body, before it became too much.  I turned and walked quickly out of the airport, forcing myself not to look back.  I couldn’t look back. 

Chapter Thirty-Seven

My tears carried me home as my eyes kept glancing at the passenger seat.  Since being with Jesse, I’d rarely ridden in the car alone.  We were always together and looking at the vacant seat beside me made me feel so empty. 

I’d finally stopped crying by the time I’d reached the Carver city limits.  Instead of going straight home, I found myself in the Braum’s parking lot.  They made the best chocolate shakes and I was in need of some serious comfort.  I practically inhaled it on the drive back to my house, needing to drown my sorrows in chocolate. 

My mom was still at work when I got home, but my grandma was home and she looked at me with sad eyes when I walked in.  She didn’t say anything as she met me in the kitchen, taking me into her short, thick frame. 

“How’re ya doin’, sweetie?” she asked a moment later when she’d let me go.  I put a smile on my face, realizing it would do no good to cry anymore.  If I was going to make it through the next thirteen weeks, I had to stay positive, even if the thought seemed impossible at the moment.

“I’m okay, Grandma.  I stopped by Braum’s for a little chocolate therapy,” I said, holding up the nearly empty styrofoam cup. 

“Chocolate makes everything better,” she laughed.

“I have a feeling it’s going to be my new best friend.  Jesse won’t even recognize me in three months when I’ve gained fifty pounds.”

She patted my face and smiled at me again.

“Be proud of him.  He’s been through so much,” she said gently and I nodded because she was right. “Do you want to play some dominoes to keep your mind off of it?”

“Thanks, Grandma.  Maybe later though.  I think I’m gonna head up to my room. I just need to be alone for a bit.”

“I understand, honey.  I’m here if you need me though.”

“You always are,” I said, hugging her and then slowly climbed the stairs until I reached my bedroom door. 

I pushed it open hesitantly and was greeted by the bright ultramarine walls.  Every time I looked at those walls, I thought of Jesse and the time we spent painting it together.  It seemed like so long ago now.  

I stepped inside, shutting the door behind me and plopped myself on the bed.  I reached for my iPod, cued up my For King & Country playlist and stared at the ceiling as I listened to the lyrics, trying not to cry anymore, even though the lyrics seemed so fitting to our situation:
Our last memory, she had water in her eyes, she cried stay with me, how can this be love if you’re leaving me, but darlin’, love’s to blame.
  Thoughts of the summer began to whirl through my mind like a bad movie.  I wanted to forget all of it.  I wanted to go back to the way things were.  Hanging around the fire at Jesse’s house with our friends…tearing down the trails in the mule…lying in the grove of trees wrapped in his arms, as close as two people could be.  It would never be that way again.  Our lives had changed so much and I ached for how it had been and how we’d planned it be. 

I laid there for a few more minutes before I realized I couldn’t wallow in my sadness, listening to music that only made me want to cry.  I sat up, turned off my iPod and went downstairs where my grandmother was doing a crossword puzzle at the table.

“Is that offer to play dominoes still good?” I asked and she smiled at me, patting the seat beside her.

****

We were on our third game, and I had to admit, it was helping to keep my mind occupied, when a knock on the door interrupted us.  My grandmother and I both looked at each other, curious as to who it could be. 

“I’ll get it,” I said, standing up. 

The door was open and I was surprised to see Matt standing in front of the screen.

“Matt…what are you doing here?” I asked, pushing the door open for him to step inside.

“I have something for you,” he said and I instantly noticed the nerves in his voice.

“What is it?” I asked and he held up an envelope. “What is that?”

“A letter…from Jesse.”

“What?” I asked, my face twisting up in confusion and anticipation. 

“He came by the shop early this morning.  All he said was, thanks for making her laugh.  Then he handed me this and asked me to bring it by this afternoon after you got back from Wichita.”

I grabbed it from him and stared down at my name on the front, scrawled in his familiar handwriting.  I walked over to the couch and sat down.  Matt followed and sat on the opposite end.  I stared down at the envelope and my heart started to pound as I ripped it open and began to read:

Dear Riley,

Let me start by telling you how much I love you. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love you. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will miss you more than you could possibly know.

I’ll never forget when I first saw you sitting in Mr. Barry’s class, looking bothered and annoyed, but you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I think you already know this, but I fell in love with you that day.  The time we’ve spent together have been the best of my life, even if it’s been hell lately.

I had to leave Carver because I can't be the one that drags you down with me as I try and find my way. I love you too much to do that and while you may not see it now, you’ll realize it’s for the best. You deserve to be young and happy. You deserve to have a normal college experience. You don't need a boyfriend half a world away dampening your life. You need to laugh and have fun. If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that you deserve someone better than me. You deserve someone who can offer you more than I can. I could have been that someone, but since my dad died, I've been broken. You’re too good for me.

I realized this that day I walked in on you and Matt in the flower shop.  You were so beautiful and happy and you didn't even realize I was watching you. You were smiling and laughing and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd laughed like that together. You deserve to laugh and be happy. You deserve someone who can give that to you.

I’m sorry for saying goodbye this way, for taking the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t stand to see the look on your face as I tried to explain and I needed the opportunity to say this without interruption. I never hurt so much as when you're hurt and I’m sorry that I’m hurting you, even though I promised I never would. So, it turns out, not only am I coward, but a liar as well.  I guess it’s just more proof that I’m not good enough for you.