Fallout (82 page)

IMPORTANT? ME?

I’ve never once thought

of myself as

important,

or considered

I might have a special

reason for being. I’ve

mostly thought

of myself

as an accident.

Someone in the way.

Something important to

do? Like what?

Guess I

don’t need to

think about that right

now. Like Grandpa Scott

said, let’s just

get through

today. And make

big decisions tomorrow.

Hunter
SOMETIMES I SHOULD SHUT MY MOUTH

I knew bringing up Brendan

wasn’t the most tactful thing

to do, especially on Christmas.

But sometimes Kristina makes

me so mad, I want to hurt her.

It’s stupid. She doesn’t injure

easily, at least not when the slaps

are verbal. When I mentioned

Brendan, she didn’t say anything

immediately. Finally she said,

I’m surprised he came back.

Surprised he’s still alive
,

actually. He ripped off a lot

of people. Even worse than

he took advantage of me.

We were almost home by

then. I slowed enough to get

a few words in. “Don’t suppose

you’ll take some responsibility

for what happened that night?”

ANGER PUFFED

From her mouth in

abbreviated breaths.

What? You

want to

blame me

for getting

raped?

Oh

my

God.

And then she really

pissed me off.

Just like

a man.

Despite Grandpa

Bill’s obvious

uneasiness, I jumped.

“All men are not alike.

And, thank God, all

women are not like you.”

SHE HASN’T SPOKEN

To me since. Not that I care.

When we got home, she went

straight into the house and

retreated somewhere with

the boys. For all of ten minutes.

Then I noticed Donald join

Grandpa Bill in the family room.

He got a new game system

for Christmas. They’re playing.

I am helping Mom wash veggies

when David bops by with Sasha.

“Where’s Kristina?” I ask.

He shrugs.
She went outside

to smoke a cigarette. Why

does she like those stinky things?

Mom answers,
Tobacco

is addictive. Once you start

smoking, it’s really hard to quit.

I’ll never smoke
, he decides.

Not if it makes you smell

like that. Come on, Sasha.

EVENTUALLY

Kristina comes back inside,

trailed by Jake and Misty,

who have just arrived bearing

gifts like Christmas magi.

They sweep into the kitchen,

Leigh close on their heels,

put the presents on the table,

chant a chorus of “Merry Christmas.”

Kristina heads straight for

the brightly wrapped boxes,

finds one with her name on

it.
Ooh. Can I open it now?

Leigh stops her from tearing

into the Santa-and-puppy

paper.
Why don’t we wait

for Scott to get back?

Kristina, who has managed

to ignore me completely,

reluctantly agrees. Nicotine

obviously can work wonders.

Jake goes into the family room,

and I hear him say,
Grandpa

Bill! I didn’t know you were

here. Where’s your car?

Damn DMV wouldn’t re-up

my license. Said my eyes

don’t work so good anymore.

Hate to admit they’re right.

The banter picks up speed in

the kitchen as Mom and Misty

and Leigh and Kristina start

yakking girl talk. Enough, already.

I’m on my way to the family room

when the doorbell rings. Nikki?

She’s early, but that’s all good.

I swing the door open. “Nik!”

Autumn
THIS HOUSE IS INSANE

Insane, as in beautiful.

I stand on the front porch,

staring up at the tall doors.

Oak, with beveled stained glass.

I wait for the familiar tingle

in my fingers. But I don’t

feel close to panic. I reach

out. Ring the doorbell.

The door jerks open.
Nik!

But I’m not Nik, whoever he

is, and the boy who is waiting

for him is confused.
Uh …

Can I help you?
He is older

than me by a year or two,

with mink-colored hair and

eyes an unusual shade of green.

We are related, but I’m not

sure how, and even less sure

of what to say. I start to back

away, but Trey takes over for me.

You must be Hunter. Wow.

I haven’t seen you since you

were a baby. Damn. I’m, um …

Is Kristina here, by any chance?

Hunter—my brother—nods an

“oh, okay” nod, turns, and yells,

Kristina! Someone’s here to see

you.
Beyond him, amazing Christmas

decorations swag staircase

railings, and the scent of turkey

roasting and bread dough rising

makes my mouth start to water.

A woman comes to the door.

I have dreamed of this face,

only a younger version of it.

Kristina. My mother. Curiosity

lights her eyes, only to be

replaced by sudden wonder.

Trey
, she says.
What are you …?

Then her eyes fall on me.