Falling Under (11 page)
“Why?” Haden stepped out of his invisible shielded zone before he remembered himself, like he’d wanted to reach for me. “Why ever not?” he asked, but then remembered his own rules.
Encouraged by his bewilderment, I asked, “Why is it a bad idea to touch me?”
“You obviously know I’m not like other boys. It’s not meant for our worlds to mix this way.”
“Yet here we are.”
“You forgot to answer me. Why haven’t you been kissed?”
I rolled my eyes at his innocence. “You obviously know I’m not like other girls. I’m shy and I don’t spend time with boys. My father is strict and—”
“That’s not why.”
He thought he knew me so well. “Fine. You tell me why I haven’t been kissed.”
I regretted the words and my tone instantly. What if he told me what I already knew? That I was lacking. Not interesting or pretty enough.
“You were waiting.”
My blood surged, and I watched his lips now. Studied them. Like they were the answers I sought. “Are you going to kiss me?”
“No.”
The slap of rejection wounded me, and I reeled back. I had to turn my eyes away. I couldn’t let him see how much hurt he could inflict upon me with just one word.
“You were wrong.” The weight of his hands settled on my arms
psychically
, though he hadn’t put them physically on me. It was a poor substitution, but once again, I met his eyes and was dazzled by the earnestness I saw there. “It’s true that I never want to hurt you. But I can’t promise you that I never would. I want to kiss you, Theia, but I won’t.”
psychically
, though he hadn’t put them physically on me. It was a poor substitution, but once again, I met his eyes and was dazzled by the earnestness I saw there. “It’s true that I never want to hurt you. But I can’t promise you that I never would. I want to kiss you, Theia, but I won’t.”
“I want you to.” I ached for him. The longing, like a vine, coiled around me and stretched out towards him, wanting to twine us together. I needed more than a psychic touch.
I needed him.
“I can’t.” He ground out the words even though he moved closer to me.
We were close enough to make it happen right then. I angled my head slightly and whispered, “I want you to be my first.”
Our bodies tried to make the decision for us, bringing us impossibly close, our breath mingling and hearts thumping in unison.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “Sometimes I daydream about your heart-shaped mouth for hours.”
His will was breaking. It chipped off him little by little. He desired me and, surrounded by his scent, I desired to lose myself to him completely. Nothing else made sense but this. Yet he fought a war with himself, even though I offered myself freely. The anguish in his eyes triggered a flash of something I’d seen before. Something recent … something …
I gasped and stumbled backwards.
I’d seen the suffering in those eyes once before.
“You’re the burning man.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
T
he impact of waking so suddenly sent me scrambling out of my bed before I even realized I was awake. I glanced around my room wildly, trying to make sense of where I was. My heart slammed against my rib cage like a trapped animal desperate for escape, and I trembled violently as my conscious self met up with the rest of me.
he impact of waking so suddenly sent me scrambling out of my bed before I even realized I was awake. I glanced around my room wildly, trying to make sense of where I was. My heart slammed against my rib cage like a trapped animal desperate for escape, and I trembled violently as my conscious self met up with the rest of me.
There would be no more sleep for me that night.
After my pronouncement, Haden had recoiled from me in horror. In the blink of an eye, he disappeared—reappearing several feet away and telling me to wake up.
Haden could not possibly be the burning man. That man had died in front of me, and I had watched him turn to dust. If that had even happened. Everything was so confusing. Up is down, down is up.
What I couldn’t discount was the bone-deep awareness that Haden had suffered and that somehow it had something to do with me.
I couldn’t sit still. It was too late to try for more sleep, yet too early to get ready for school. The walls felt like a cage, and I suddenly hated everything in my room. Oh, I’d never really liked it much—it was fine for a catalog but not for a real girl. But now it mocked me. Where were my posters, my dirty clothes? A small concession was given by way of a corkboard with a few snapshots and movie tickets. The rest of the room was staged perfectly for a photo shoot or a real estate tour.
Empty of anything that defined it as real.
That was how I felt sometimes. I existed in a world made for show, not depth, not feeling.
And then along came Haden.
Haden stared at the bathroom mirror instead of going to class. The face looking back at him was what they saw when they looked at him, but his reflection lied. If they knew why he was here … what he planned to do … they would see him as he really was.
A monster.
He’d been waiting for this chance his whole life. To experience humanity. To be a part of it, to understand the feelings he’d been born with but never allowed to express. And now on this devil’s errand, he’d learned there was one more human experience he hadn’t known he was capable of.
A guilty conscience.
Haden cut class.
Disappointment colored my world gray again, and I worked solo on the chapter questions we were supposed to be doing together. If I could forget about him, even for a few minutes, I could get some work done. My mind was not swayed by the logic, though, and instead I thought of nothing but Haden.
I wondered if we shared the same dreams. And then I chastised myself. Just because I dreamt of falling down the rabbit hole like Alice didn’t mean I’d really found a gothic Wonderland at night. As real life put distance between me and my dreams, I found it easier to accept the difference.
Of course I dreamt about Haden. He was unreasonably handsome and the first boy to encourage conversation with me. I had a crush. I dreamt the boy I had feelings for had feelings back. And while I was at it, I exaggerated a little danger to add to his appeal. Honestly, it was more pathetic that I tried to make it more than it was.
In between classes, I stopped at the water fountain in the Main. As I waited my turn, I kept an eye out for Haden—but the lack of tingles and goose bumps probably meant he’d cut the rest of his classes too.
The student at the fountain finished and as he turned, I realized it was Mike Matheny, the one true love of Amelia. He was cute, I guessed. Like most in our school, he was a jeans-and-tee kind of guy. Not long ago, he’d shaved his head in solidarity when his wrestling coach began chemotherapy, but it was growing back now. He’d never had hair as nice as Gabe’s, of course, but most humans didn’t. He was still handsome, if a little … vacant.
As per my usual custom when confronted with a boy my age, I cast my eyes to my shoes while he passed me. I thought of Ame. How her crush had lasted years with no reward or even acknowledgment. Was her commitment to him courageous or just … lame? And was his oblivious nature a scam? Was he just trying to be nice or did he really not know how much she’d pined for him all these years?
An unusual sentiment flashed through me.
It wasn’t fair
.
.
It wasn’t fair that she invested so much energy—so much of her heart—for nothing. She deserved to have someone in her life, a real boyfriend. One of us should have a crack at happiness. It wasn’t fair.
“Mike,” I yelled before he’d gotten too far.
He looked back at me, confused. And who wouldn’t be? It was well-established that Theia Alderson did not socialize with boys. But Ame deserved a chance, didn’t she?
“Amelia is coming over after school to study trig. Can you come?”
“Um.”
My tongue felt thick, but I persevered. He was just a boy. If I could waltz at a zombie creature party, I could converse with a boy I wasn’t even interested in. “Monday’s test is supposed to be brutal. We’re hoping massive amounts of caffeine and cramming will help.”
“Um. Okay.” He answered, still clearly perplexed.
As was I. I think I just wanted something to work out for someone. I didn’t dare hope I stood a chance with Haden. Maybe I would invite Gabe too and not tell Donny until she got there. Wouldn’t that be something?
I wrote down my address on a corner of notebook paper and tore it off. As I handed it to him, I sensed the heat of a stare on my back. I began turning towards the source when all the locker banks on either side of the hall opened and slammed violently at the same time. The momentum of the sudden force made some of them swing back and forth several times, smacking a few students who’d been caught unawares while they were retrieving their books. My adrenaline spiked, and Mike and I exchanged confused glances.
People came out of the classrooms to see for themselves what had caused the noise. A teacher blamed the wind and guided students back into class; another badgered those of us who hadn’t yet gotten that far. I blinked and saw Haden at the other end of the hall, staring at Mike.
“Are you okay?” Mike asked me.
I nodded with very little enthusiasm and the bell rang. Instead of a short burst, the sound grew sharper and louder. Those of us still in the hall covered our ears. The noise was hideous and it felt like an electric screwdriver boring holes into the bones of my jaw.
I couldn’t think clearly, the screech obliterating my thoughts, and judging by the other kids pushing their way to the door, it was affecting everyone the same way. Mike grabbed my sleeve and we ran towards the exit.
We got outside and kept running. All of us had to get away from the shrill screams. Had to. The clamor was so disorienting that I couldn’t remember where I was going or what I was doing. As several of us spilled into the street, traffic horns blared and the smell of burned rubber assaulted my nose. The constant barrage on my eardrums gave me vertigo and nausea gripped me tightly, but I didn’t dare stop yet.
When I got far enough away that I could uncover my ears, my hearing was filtered as if I were deep underwater. Kids were falling down around me, and I’d lost track of Mike sometime after we’d gotten outside. I choked on the bile burning my throat and searched the mob for my friends. And for Haden.
Across the street, people threw chairs out of second-story windows to get out. There were emergency ladders, but students were panicking and dropping off them too soon in order to escape the whining din that sounded like hell had opened up and screamed.
And was still screaming.
We, the refugees who’d managed to escape, wandered around dazed and unhearing across the street from campus. The bell had been bad enough, but the mass exodus bruised and battered us too. Kids were crying and trying to call their parents even though they couldn’t hear them on the other end of the phone. They held their phones and mouthed words into them. Maybe they yelled. I could hear nothing anymore.
Emergency vehicles came from all directions and barricades went up. We’d practiced similar situations before; evacuation and lockdown drills were mandatory in the American schools. But I’d always assumed I’d be able to hear the directions from the crew sent to save us. Instead, everyone was confused.
Were we okay
? How do you answer that?
Were we okay
? How do you answer that?
I found Donny and Ame in time to be shuffled onto a school bus headed for the emergency room. We squeezed into one seat and held hands. We didn’t bother talking, since none of us could hear. We clutched one another, and the weight of unspoken fears filled the bus like a balloon with too much air. The vibrations of the wheels tickled my eardrums, but very little sound got through. I’d never heard of an entire school being stricken deaf. Who would have thought it was even possible?
As we pulled away, I searched for Haden in the crowd not yet on buses, almost relieved when I couldn’t find him. Part of me wondered if he’d had something to do with the disaster—which was crazy.
Part of me remembered Varnie’s warning, though, too.
My ears popped a couple times and the pain doubled me over. Ame’s gentle hand rubbed my back until I felt her body racked with what must have been the same pain. I concentrated on shallow breaths and trying to stay conscious. I thought of my violin and what my life would be like without music.
In between the popping sensations, it seemed like as we got farther from the school, my hearing was returning little by little, yet only certain pitches were audible. By the time we got to the ER, they had set up an outdoor “lobby” to evaluate the seriousness of each student’s wounds—those who were bleeding and broken were guided into the hospital. The rest of us, who were in varying degrees of pain as our hearing returned bit by hurtful bit, had to wait it out under the tents.
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