Falling into the White (The Ancients Series) (14 page)

“It matters,” came the deep voice from the doorway. It was a bit gravely and thick with emotion, but there was no mistaking who had spoken.

FATE INTERCEDES

“Mikael?” I stood, but he was already walking over to me.

“I will wait until you are sure, Jess. I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled me to him in a tight hug, and my arms wound around him too. If I was being honest with myself I had hoped Evan would come to set things straight and tell me that I was wrong about what I thought was going on, but I knew that Mikael would be the one to come. Deep down inside, I knew which one of them would do the right thing by me. I wasn’t conflicted anymore, exactly. It was just that Evan had been my first experience with love and relationships, and it was a little heartbreaking to let go of that.

“Was Antoine pissed?” I asked as I lay my head against Mikael’s chest.

“Honestly, I think he was torn between being pissed, impressed, and worried. That only lasted a moment before he exploded, wanting to know what the hell Clarissa was doing here. He didn’t seem surprised that she was here, exactly, just that she was there at the meeting.”

“Oh.” I tried to pull away, but he wasn’t having it.

“I don’t know what my little brother was thinking. Maybe he wanted to remind me of the opportunity that I already passed up once, or maybe he was planning to set me up with her. Who knows? What I do know is that Clarissa is a crafty one. She’ll do just about anything to seat herself in the middle of a perceived power base. She’s 25 already. She’s wasted precious child bearing years hoping one of us would come back for her.”

“I don’t know if anything happened between them, Jess. I do know that even if nothing did, Clarissa will try to make you think otherwise.”

“I don’t know what happened in their past, but I do know what I heard today.”

Mikael looked puzzled, then asked, “what do you mean?”

I explained what I overheard on the phone earlier, and a clarity seemed to settle in his expression then. “That’s what the texts were about this morning, right?”

I nodded, feeling almost guilty for putting off what happened with Evan onto Mikael this morning.

“Jess, I meant what I said then. I chose to be with you, and only you. If my dumbass brother is too stupid to be faithful, then he deserves what happens.” Mikael pulled me close again, and kissed the top of my head.

“Hey, I ran into the pizza guy coming up the sidewalk…” I looked up to see Evan standing in the doorway holding three large pizzas that smelled divine. After seeing the look on his face, I kind of lost my appetite though. He was looking at me like I had betrayed him. The irony was not lost on me.

I let go of Mikael, and walked over to grab the pizzas from Evan since everyone else seemed to be paralyzed with surprise by him showing up. As I took the pizzas I glanced over Evan’s shoulder to see if he was alone. He caught the look, and understood just how bad he had screwed up. That betrayal he had written all over his face moments ago was replaced by something I couldn’t place. Fear, maybe regret, or loss. I didn’t even want to speculate, so I took the pizzas and turned to go to the kitchen.

“Jess, it’s just me. She wasn’t… I wasn’t…”

“Asriel and Ashley are hungry. I’ll take these to the kitchen, and be right back. Once I set the pizzas down on the counter, I took a moment to catch my breath. Letting go was not going to be an easy thing, because it hurt. It didn’t matter if I had decided Evan wasn’t good for me. I still remembered all the good times we had together, and how magical everything had seemed in the beginning. The only thing that made it a little easier was remembering the phone call, or the way Clarissa had her hand wrapped all around Evan’s arm earlier. Those things reminded me why I was going to get through the hurt and come out just fine on the other end.

Ashley came up and slid her hand gently across my back to land on my shoulder, “are you okay, hon?”

“Right as rain, I guess.”

“Do I need to go kick some ass, like we talked about before?”

The grin that broke out across my face was a testament to how much I loved Ashely, because I didn’t feel at all jovial, but I knew where her heart was. I also knew she was only half kidding. If I said yes, she’d go try to kick Evan’s ass. “Not yet. Enjoy the pizza. I’ll be back shortly. I have to go deal with the nuclear bomb about to detonate in your living room.” I looked down longingly at the pizza for a moment, “save me a slice or three, will you?” I directed the question at Asi who had walked in the room sometime after Ashley had.

“No promises,” he garbled as he shoved half a slice of pizza into his mouth.

“Aw, man! Fine, but if you eat it all, I’m sending you for more chocolate ice cream, and you can’t say no.”

Asi choked back a laugh as he tried to swallow his pizza. “Deal.”

I was stalling at this point, and even I knew it. So, I pulled up my big girl panties, and walked my butt back out into the living room to face the music, and let the brothers know exactly where I stood on everything. When I took inventory of the room Mikael was sitting in a chair and Evan was on the couch. I could either sit next to Evan or on Mikael’s lap. Damn if that wasn’t a setup somehow. I was pretty sure they both would have taken more meaning out of my seating choice than I would have intended so I opted for Switzerland, and parked my ass on the coffee table between them. Mikael smiled at my diplomacy. Evan did not. That was the difference between the two of them. I realized. There would always be a tense air to things where Evan was concerned. I would always wonder if I was going to offend him with something I did. I didn’t have that worry at all with Mikael. He actually respected the decisions I made, supported them even. That is something I was going to need as a ruler one day. I would need someone who would support me, and not throw a tantrum when they my decision didn’t suit them. There was a time, not long ago, that I would have plastered myself to Evan’s side, or his lap, without a thought. Part of me missed that. The other part of me realized I was finding my own strength again. Now that I was looking at things differently, I enjoyed being a person who was secure with herself.

No one spoke for a few minutes as we sat there in contemplative silence. Evan was the one to break it. “You two seem to be getting along a lot better these days.”

“If you only knew,” Mikael taunted.

“STOP!” I said eyeing Mikael with a frustrated sigh.

“Sorry,” he all but whispered, “old habits, and all.”

I decided not to beat around the bush at all. “I broke through Antoine’s hold today.” Mikael already knew from what he’d overheard earlier. While Evan probably guess by what happened at the club, this was a shocking confirmation.

“That’s great,” Evan broke into the conversation. “I knew you could do it, Jess.”

“Really? Because all I’ve heard from you recently was a bunch of disappointment that I hadn’t done it already.”

“That’s not fair. It was just frustrating for me to have to see you running off to go play with my brother.”

I rolled my eyes at him then. “Seriously? It wasn’t fair? It was frustrating-for you?” I swore under my breath. “That’s what you’re going to go with? Poor Evan! How horrible for you. Hell, of the three of us, you had it the easiest. I told you I belonged to you-with you. I had my decision already made from the beginning. You know what the hard part was? It was hard for Mikael to know that, and still try to find hope.” When Evan looked like he was going to interrupt, I held my hand up to stop him. “No, you’ve said enough. This is my turn! I had to deal with being forced to date another person, with feeling the excruciating pain of trying to deny your father’s order to satisfy you, and when that didn’t work, I had to deal with your fucked up commentary about how I wasn’t trying hard enough, and worse. I almost gave myself a god damn aneurism trying to break your father’s hold on me to satisfy you.”

“Well, you broke free of my father’s hold now. So, we can work it all out, and get past this.” Evan threw a scathing look at his brother. “I guess there’s no reason for you to be here any longer, since she’s not being forced into it now.”

“Excuse me?” I squealed in a high pitch that startled me as much as it did Evan. “Have you lost your damn mind? What makes you think I would pick you?”

“But you said you’ve chosen me from the beginning.”

“I did, in the beginning. You made me rethink things when you were a complete asshole to me though.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jess?” Evan was getting pissed. His hands were gripping hard at the edges of the couch cushions.

“For all his faults and all the times he’s antagonized you, Mikael has never taken this situation out on me. Not once! Every time he was around, texting me, or you knew I had a date with him, you treated me like shit. You acted as though I had a choice in the matter at the time. You begged me not to go on dates with him when you knew I was in a great deal of pain all the times I refused to go. It tore me apart inside knowing not only that I was being forced to do something, but that it was hurting you too. Not to mention the fact that you didn’t care how much it hurt me, emotionally or physically. You just cared that you weren’t getting what you wanted, when you wanted it. You’ve behaved like a spoiled child. Worse, you acted like I was less of a person, not enough, not living up to your expectations of me.”

“I never thought less of you, Jess.”

“Yes, you did. You constantly told me I could fight the command if I wanted to. You had no faith in my original decision to be with you in the end, which means you had no faith in me, or us.” Evan started to deny that, but I cut him off. “No! Don’t even try it. If you had faith, you would have let things play out, and helped me through the fact that your father was mind raping me to date someone else.” I felt horrible for my choice of words, because Mikael looked as if I had slapped him with that last statement. I couldn’t stop and coddle him at that moment though, as much as I wanted to. “I had no choice. You had no compassion for my position at all. You just thought of yourself the whole time, and how everything was unfair for you. You weren’t the one being forced to date two people. I was.”

I looked at Mikael then, “I feel like I should apologize to you, because it isn’t fair for you to hear that. Your father’s mistakes are not yours, even though you’ve apologized enough for them.” I turned back to Evan, “When I called you this morning…”

“I didn’t get a call from you.” Evan stated as he interrupted me again. Apparently he was going to play this out with lies.

“After my mom told me you stopped by, I called. You weren’t the one to answer though. Clarissa was. She took a message while sounding extremely preoccupied and even downright giddy.” I watched his face then, the shock and something else that I saw there prickled at my brain. Mikael was shaking his head, clearly disappointed in his brother.

“It didn’t…” Evan stopped and chose his words again, “we didn’t…” That apparently didn’t work for him either. “It stopped when she said your name.” He at least had the presence of mind to look ashamed.

I knew I didn’t have any right to feel bad or betrayed, considering my little foray to the hot springs with Mikael that morning, but it hurt to hear that Evan had started to get intimate with someone else.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Evan said to Mikael. Then he turned to me. “I did show up at your house, and I followed your scent to the edge of the woods where I ran into some teenagers complaining about a couple getting down to business in the hot springs. I knew Mikael was with you, because I could smell him while I was tracking you.”

Well, that explained a lot. I had wondered if he had tried to follow me the way Mikael had.

“Those kids saw a kiss, and nothing more,” Mikael said to his brother. Oh there was way more than just a kiss, but that admission coming from Mikael, who liked to goad Evan with innuendos of what we did alone made it sound entirely believable.

“Well, I didn’t think you were having sex since she’s determined to stay a virgin until she’s bonded.” I turned beat red. That was not something I had discussed with Mikael–ever. Evan had just outed me for the virgin I was to Mikael.

Mikael turned to me, and looked stricken, “What?”

“You didn’t know?” Evan asked, surprised.

“It never came up, but thanks for putting that out there for everyone.” I couldn’t even try hiding the embarrassment that was written all over my face since I was sitting in between them with nowhere to go.

“You guys haven’t talked about it before?” Evan was astounded.

“You’ve been letting your imagination run wild while we were out together brother, and apparently taking your imaginings out on Jess.”

Evan actually had tears in his eyes when he looked back up at me. “I’m so sorry, Jess. I’ve made a complete mess of this.” He moved closer, trying to take hold of my hand now that he realized all of his mistakes. “I didn’t…” he started with a growl. “I let the past color what was happening here, and I shouldn’t have.”

“No, instead you decided to bed the past,” Mikael spat at him, getting testier the closer Evan got to me. I didn’t like seeing Mikael angry, even though it wasn’t directed at me. So, I stood, and moved a ways off, pacing the floor.

Evan growled as I stood to move away from him. “I thought the two of you…”

I turned quickly at that, “you thought what? You just said you knew I was determined to remain a virgin. So, you thought what? That we were in there having wild cave sex?” We almost did, but since it didn’t happen, I figured there was no harm in letting some of my anger and jealousy rush out. “So, your first instinct was to go screw an old flame? Judging from the issues you two have, I’m guessing you were seeing Clarissa, maybe in secret, when she was given to Mikael? And now, because you imagined I was a horrible person, and that I was being completely unfaithful, that I would just go against everything I had told you… You decided that it was okay to go and screw around with her? You let her answer the phone and speak to me while you did it? I mean, honestly, did you ever even want anything with me, or was it all some sort of twisted joke? Because I’m not seeing it now. Not at all.”