Falling in Love in New York (28 page)

About an hour later, Finn appeared at the front door of the flat.

“What the hell is going on?” he demanded, running a hand through his hair. “Why did you just leave like that? Jesus Christ I thought something might have happened, that you might have had some kind of … episode or something.”

“As if you’d care,” Abby shot back, slightly overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings. It wasn’t as though they’d been together as long as she and Kieran had, but Finn had been there all throughout the most difficult period of her life. So much so that it almost felt like he’d been around forever. She’d shared everything with him, all her fears and worries and all the happier, optimistic feelings too. He knew pretty much all there was to know about her, she’d trusted him, and he’d let her down. She’d fallen heavily for him and he’d thrown it back in her face.

So what else was new?

“Why wouldn’t I care?” he asked, frowning. “Why are you being like this Abby? What the hell happened?”

“What the hell happened?” Abby couldn’t believe he was even asking her that. “You and Danielle sitting and cuddling in a corner happened. You not being able to take your eyes off her all day happened. Why did you do it? Why bring me to that wedding when all you wanted was an excuse to get back with Danielle?”

“Abby calm down, you’ve got it all wrong.”

“Finn, I might have a head injury but I’m not stupid! Don’t patronise me by trying to tell me I’ve got it wrong. I saw the way the two of you looked at one another. I saw the way she was stroking your cheek, and the two of you holding hands. The only thing I am thankful for is that I managed to get out of there before you got down to the serious business!”

“The serious business…” Finn breathed out heavily. “Abby look, you have all of this completely wrong. Yes, Danielle and I were sitting together, and yes it felt a bit strange seeing one another again after all this time. I told you before that things didn’t end well with us and…”

“End? End? To me it looked like nothing at all had ended, in fact, it looked like everything was about to begin all over again! What I can’t understand is why you thought you felt it was OK to string me along all this time, when you were clearly still in love with your ex,” she said, her voice breaking. “Or were you just planning to carry on regardless, because even if I did find out you were sneaking around behind my back, chances are I wouldn’t be able to remember anyway, would I?”

“Abby, for God’s sake please calm down…”

“Actually I’m perfectly calm, but to be honest, I’d be even calmer if you’d just leave now and stop trying to explain all of this away. You can say what you like, it doesn’t matter to me anyway because unlike what I told your friends today, I have absolutely no plans to make a record of today, in fact I have no plans to keep a record of anything concerning you at all!” Folding her arms across her chest, she looked away, and tried to blink back tears.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Look, we made a mistake in trying to think we could make a go of this, and luckily there’s no need for you to feel guilty about it. Just me give it a bit of time and soon I’ll have forgotten you and everything about you. So then you can go on back to your precious Danielle. I certainly won’t stop you.”

“I don’t understand,” Finn said frowning. “What are you saying?”

Her jaw tightened. “It means that I’ve got rid of it all Finn, everything from the last couple of months … the memory chest, it’s all gone.”

He looked horrified. “You deleted the records, all the ones of us?”

“Yep.” Abby’s mouth was set in a firm line.

The blood began to drain away from his face, and Abby wondered why he appeared to be so worried. At least this way it would all be over and done with quickly, wouldn’t it? He wouldn’t have to worry about leaving her in the lurch, and the two of them could move on with the rest of their lives without looking back.

He could have the gorgeous Danielle and Abby would have … well Abby would have all the other memories apart from the ones featuring him. It was quite liberating in a way; it meant that instead of spending months trying to get over a broken heart and mourning his absence, she could now do it as easily as the flick of a switch.

What broken-hearted woman in the world
hadn’t
wished for that at some stage or another? Wished there was some way she could magic away all the hurt and pain a broken relationship caused?

Once again this whole thing had proved a blessing in disguise. She wasn’t ready for a relationship, never would be probably, so it was better to find all this out now before she and Finn wasted any more of the another’s time.

“I don’t believe you,” he was saying. “I don’t believe that you would throw away all we have just because you think you saw something between me and an ex?”

“I
know
what I saw.”

“No, you don’t. What you saw was two people who hadn’t spoken in a very long time catching up.”

She stared at him. “Do you normally catch up with people by crawling all over them?”

“I wasn’t crawling all over her! It was emotional, yes, I’ll admit that but – ”

“Well if it was so emotional, why don’t you go back with her then? Why make a fool of me in front of all your friends, most of whom think I’m off my head anyway,” she finished miserably.

“What? That’s rubbish.” Finn said, exasperated. “Abby, you really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Clearly I don’t. But I know what I saw, and to me it looked far from innocent. In all honesty, I don’t know why I didn’t realise it sooner, Goodness knows all your friends kept going on about how well she looked and how affected you were by her.”

His head snapped up. “What? Who said that?”

“Well … Frances and Jayne, they couldn’t stop going on about how wonderful she looked and all that. It’s obvious they think you’re still in love with her, so I know it’s not just me being paranoid.”

“Abby–”

“Well isn’t it true? Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you went all quiet and unresponsive after bumping into her outside the church? Or that you couldn’t relax for most of the day, at least not until you’d managed to get near her again.” She closed her eyes. “Then, you looked very relaxed altogether.”

“Abby stop it please!” Finn said, his voice rising in frustration. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

“How could I get you crawling all over your ex-girlfriend wrong? Finn, you were holding her hand, the two of you were close enough you were practically entwined and– ”

“Danielle’s sick, Abby,” he cut in flatly.

“What?” she frowned, looking up. “What are you talking about?”

Finn nodded and slumped into a nearby chair.

“She got breast cancer. I only found out from Chris a while back. He thought he should say something before I bumped into her at the wedding.”

Breast cancer … Instantly, Abby’s mind flashed back to Frances and Jayne’s comments about Danielle’s low neckline and the mention of surgery. She’d immediately assumed they were talking about a breast enlargement or something; she certainly hadn’t considered for a
second
that it could be anything else…

“That’s why I was quiet after meeting her outside the church,” Finn went on. “And why I was fidgety for the rest of the day. I just didn’t know how to react. I knew I’d have to say something, let her know that I knew about the treatment and the operation …” He shook his head. “Abby, I spent three years of my life with Danielle and I cared about her a lot–I still do–but not in the way you think,” he added quickly. “At the moment, she’s going through something huge and I wanted to talk to her about it, let her know that if she needed anything …” His voice trailed off, and Abby knew for certain that this wasn’t a front; he was genuinely upset and worried for his ex.

She thought back again to the two of them on the terrace, how intimate they’d looked. Straight away she’d assumed they were being flirtatious but thinking about it now, the whole thing looked ….well quite
tender
. Finn wasn’t trying to come onto Danielle; he was sympathising with her about her illness. This was why Frances and the others had kept going on about how well she looked, and Abby had stupidly assumed that they were alluding to the obvious differences between her and Finn’s ex. But they were merely alluding to how well she was looking, considering.

Realising all this now, Abby felt like a heel.

“I’m sorry …I had no idea…I couldn’t have imagined …” She shook her head, ashamed. “When I saw you two together, I just assumed…she’s so beautiful… and you’d been acting so strangely…”

“Abby, what Danielle and I had is long gone. I still care about her in the same way I’d care about anyone who’s going through what she is now, and yes, I’ll admit that hearing about it from Chris and then seeing her today knocked me for six. But that’s all there is to it. It took a lot for her to appear at that wedding today knowing that everyone’s heard, and she was nervous about how all her old friends would react. I wanted to let her know that we’re all rooting for her, that we’re all hoping she comes through it OK.”

“And how is she?”

He shrugged. “She’s devastated naturally, same as anyone would be. It’s difficult to explain but for a woman like Danielle…” he shook his head. “Granted, no woman is keen on the prospect of losing a breast, but for Danni the notion is even harder to take. She’s always been very insecure about her looks and something like this is a massive blow for her.”

A woman like that insecure? Abby couldn’t comprehend it.

“I know what you’re thinking, but believe me it’s one of the reasons we eventually split up. Danielle needs to be constantly reassured of how wonderful she is and how well she looks. That’s why she hated moving to Balbriggan. It was a world away from the bright lights and glamour of Dublin. Here in the city, she got all the reassurance she needed, but way out there…”

“But surely she got all this from you?” Abby couldn’t help but be reminded of how she too had yearned for Kieran to say something nice about her appearance or pay her a compliment. But she knew now that this was because her own self-confidence was at an all time low, and her relationship with Kieran was on the rocks.  She just couldn’t imagine how a woman as beautiful as Danielle could
ever
feel that way.

“It wasn’t enough, nothing was ever enough for Danni.” He shook his head and looked away, and Abby could see how much this had hurt him. “She was like one of those rare exotic flowers who needed constant care and attention in order to thrive. I just couldn’t provide that for her.”

“But you really loved her, wasn’t that enough?”

He shook his head. “Not for Danni. I don’t know, I’ve tried to get my head around it for years but I could never figure out why she felt so insecure. Her parents split up when she was younger and I think she may have been a casualty of that, got left behind in all the upheaval, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that in all the years I’ve known her I don’t think she’s ever been comfortable in her own skin. And now, her body’s let her down in the worst possible way.”

Abby didn’t know what to think. If such a beautiful woman wasn’t comfortable in her own skin then what hope was there for anyone? But yet she could see what Finn meant in thinking that contracting breast cancer would be a double blow for someone like her.

“So Chris told you about all this beforehand? About Danielle’s illness I mean?”

“Yes. And before you ask, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about it too. I suppose I just wanted to get my own head around it first. I got such a shock, and then to think that I’d be seeing her again after all this time and in those circumstances…to be honest, I just didn’t know how to feel. But if I’d known you’d mistake my actions today for something else entirely, well then of course I’d have said something. But I just wasn’t thinking straight to be honest. I’m sorry.”

Abby moved across the room, and put her arms around him. “No,
I’m
sorry. I shouldn’t have been so paranoid, and I shouldn’t have doubted you. But from my own point of view it was always going to be hard for me to come face to face with your ex, especially one who looks like her.” Standing in his embrace, she looked away guiltily. “But I feel so awful for her now, knowing what she has to go through and doubly awful for causing you even more grief by running off like that.” She hung her head in shame. “But when I saw you two sitting together like that, and you holding her hand…”

Finn kissed the top of her head. “Maybe I can appreciate that now, but at the time, I wasn’t thinking about that. I really thought you and me were fine and that you’d know I’d never dream of hurting you. But Danielle was so emotional and so scared, yet at the same time I know she really appreciated my saying something. My heart went out to her you know, although not in the way you thought.”

“I know and again, I’m so sorry.”

“And the girls kept talking about how she looked?” He rolled his eyes. “No wonder women are so paranoid! And I didn’t see any of them go near her all day either, did you? Obviously she was right in the end for worrying about how everyone would treat her. Silly cows.”

Abby bit her lip. “To be honest, I didn’t really take to them much. Lyndsay is quite nice but –”